Shark Deaths Number 100 Million A Year

by Shaky Parkinson

Statistics released today show that man's battle with nature has hit an all time high with upwards of 100 million sharks estimated to have been killed in the last 12 months.  The government is said to be  'Happy' with the increase after last years G8 summit pledged $17billion towards the fight for less scary oceans and fear free swimming.

"Myself and the other members of the G8 decided that the shark menace is one we couldn't ignore any longer," quoted Barrack Obama from Camp David last May, "With their dark beady eyes, sharp teeth and ravenous bloodlust we have act now if we ever want to rid the globe of this terrible threat to human safety."

"We still have our work."

Wallet bagging his first kill in 1981.

"We're ecstatic," claimed Dr. Ken Wallet of F.I.S.H. (Florida Institute for Shark Hunting), "This funding has not only allowed us to further a physical presence upon the seas but has given us the chance to pursue much needed research into this creatures mating habits because the way these buggers fuck means we still have our work cut out if we are ever going to get the surfing holiday we all want."

Chinese commercial fishing subsidiaries are said to have proven highly effective since their creation in June with the Chinese coast already showing exhaustion of major fishing locations.  "Francois Hollande and myself have been campaigning to incorporate China into the G8 for sometime," claimed Prime Minister David Cameron, "And the way in which they've thrown themselves into this cause is very encouraging.  They're sterling work is leading the way towards the extinction of humanity's scariest foe and their skill is only complimented by their professionalism with the cute way in which they ritualistically eat the fin from every shark they kill as a mark of respect. Adorable."

"Their limbs are safe."

OMFG!!!

"What good is a blue flag beach when the sea is infested with sharks?" claimed Tourism Minister Burt Beach, "This fish is scaring away our tourist trade and leaving our seaside's to rot in the rain.  Surely the loss of one globally disliked creature is comparable to a world where people can live in ignorance knowing that their limbs are safe from unruly predators?  Isn't that the human approach?"

Wallet continued, "Forty years ago we knew next to nothing about sharks, and if Steven Spielberg had not enlightened the world to their ways with his legendary documentary we would still be stuck in the board room discussing what to do.  His foresight gave us the time to prepare and adapt to the creature's environment so that today we can finally begin to reap the benefits of decades worth of planning."

"World specialists out of work."

Despite numerous animal rights and environmental activists forcing localised bans and litigation onto many aspects of the killing process it hasn't deterred Governments from pushing forward with their plans.  "The shark is a magnificent creature, not only will the endangering of this species put tens of oceanographers and Sea World specialists out of work but it will ruin what should be a natural fear of the ocean," claimed Cathy Newman of F.I.S.H (Friends to Investigate Shark Harassment), "Without sharks to keep them in check as the prime predator of the ocean we predict that a race of Super Crabs will rise to take their place with even more disastrous consequences for the human population and we refuse to let this become a reality."

Children at a Shark Seminar in Perth.

These concerns were swiftly swept aside when the news broke of a shark attack on 17 year old James Talward who had his tattoo disfigured while surfing off the Durban coast.  During a press conference earlier this morning the shaken youth commented, "I'd swum out past the safety nets to catch the morning break and before I knew it my Sharky and George tattoo was being agonisingly chewed up by a baby Dwarf Lantern.  It wasn't until I flicked him off that I realised the damage he'd done.  No amount of hospital bills or re-touching will prevent me being ostracised and ridiculed for my damaged ink."

In the wake of the attack the world's Governments issued joint statements claiming that their shark hunting initiatives and subsidiaries will continue as promised leaving us to ponder whether the answer to the age old question, what is yellow and dangerous is in fact a Chinese fishing trawler.

Corn Wall To Be Reinstated

by Shaky Parkinson

Amid rebuffs of independence Cornwall County Council have shocked the country be rallying volunteers to begin construction on the Corn Wall, a planned 300ft undertaking that will stretch from Plymouth to Welcombe and result in the unofficial annexing of Cornwall from the United Kingdom.

Drastic though it may be the new Corn Wall will not be the first of its kind.  In 900BC and again 1316AD corn walls were erected along the edge of Britain's 'Corn Belt' that marked the border between Devon and Cornwall and gave rise to the county's name.

"It was a big decision," claimed head of research and development for Cornwall County Council Bernard Rick, "But after many months of peaceful campaigning only to be told our desire for a free Cornwall was 'infantile on a level not even a child would understand' we decided to take matters into our own hands.  Although we would like to keep with tradition and build the fortification out of corn the idea isn't feasible or cost effective and so with a modern age comes a modern wall.  We have a long way to go yet but we are confident that in time everyone will come to love and support the project as much as our initial bunch of volunteers. "

"I'm not going to stand."

During a press conference this morning Prime Minister David Cameron was asked how he will be handling the matter and whether or not the actions taken by Cornwall were treasonous, "Sensible, no, treasonous, we can but hope.  If Cornwall want to play independence for a few days I'm not going to stand in their way but the reality is that their plans are completely unfeasible, ridiculous and infantile on a level not even a child would understand."

Artists impression of original
900BC Corn Wall.

He continued, "I mean where will they get the stones?  Years of mining have exhausted all their natural resources and if history has shown us anything it's that you cannot build a defensive 300ft barrier out of tin scraps.  It's just stupid.  However if it comes down to it we'll fight them, no matter how absurd the fight we can't have rogue counties causing mayhem in this manner.  A joke's a joke but that's as far as we'll let them take it."

"So."

Native Truro Architect Richard Price (8th Generation) has been asked to oversee the project, "This is the biggest undertaking of its kind and I'm proud to be apart of the project. We not only want the wall to be practical but also aesthetically pleasing, so we plan on using imported British cement for the structure and a beautiful Cornish granite for the facing, thus illustrating the strength and beauty that emblazons the Cornish people themselves."

"I'm simply the first link in a chain that will go on for the 250 years it will take to complete the wall," he furthered, "We're laying the groundwork of independence so that our grandchildren's children's great grandchildren will finally have the privilege of living in a state free from the tyrannical influence of the British Government."

"The family hopped."

News Guff was on site to speak to volunteers such as Samantha Pastry of Cambourne who has given up her time to aid the project, "After we'd heard the news the family hopped straight into the Citroen and we drove up to help.  We just had to be apart of this."

"This will really stick it to the man," claimed Edgar Plunk of Wendron.

"FREEDOM!!!" claimed Badger Dennings of Looe.

"Get those crazy fucks."

Support for the Corn Wall has already progressed beyond the confines of the county with Devonshire County Council committing extra workmen to aid in construction, "We just have to get rid of them," claimed Devonshire Councillor Kerry Hill, "It's always independence this and independence that so we've sent in labourers to quicken construction and get those crazy fucks locked away forever.  With them gone we can finally give the Devonshire Pasty its deserved placing as the nation's favourite heated snack and finally put Devon on the map."

Working? The Israeli
West Bank Barrier.

Support also came from further afield with Norfolk and Shropshire County Councils both in plans to dissociate themselves from British rule.  A spokesperson for Norfolk County Council stated, "We are sick of being left behind and if Britain is heading towards a state state then we want to be first in the queue."

"We've witnessed these projects fail."

Walls have been used throughout history as a simple form of segregation but UN Worker David Baulderdash has been quick to criticise the Corn Wall and it's unnecessary instigation, "The wall is only a means to distill a short term conflict and cannot succeed as a long term peaceful goal. Despite what they say people don't like to be separated and we've witnessed these projects fail time and time again.  When you think really hard about it, the idea of a Corn Wall is very much retarded."

The feelings of Baulderdash were mirrored by many inhabitants of the Cornish region that resulted in a riot at the workers construction HQ at Launceston.  "You don't just go around building walls without good cause," claimed protest organiser Kenneth Gill, "We believe that words and negotiation are what is needed here, so these idiots can fuck off while we burn down their campsite."

Construction HQ, Launceston.

"They may think they are keeping everyone else out but really they are locking us all in," claimed fellow activist Gemma Beach, "I've seen the plans and although the granite is a lovely touch the project is simply barmy.  I'm all for displays of mass action but as a county there is no reason why we need independence from our neighbours, and we sure as shit don't need a 300ft wall blocking out our most enjoyable asset."

After the riot left three people bruised and eight tents flattened the Territorial Army sent in reserve troops to monitor the scene but with rumours of rain, excessive tea breaks and malcontent circulating, the chaotic diplomatic affairs amongst the Cornish ranks could already spell doom for the plan.

Fifty Shades To Be Classified A Gateway Book

by Shaky Parkinson

After extreme pressure from the NHS, Oxford University and numerous Parent Teacher Associations the Government has today reclassified Fifty Shades Of Grey as a Gateway Novel.  The change comes on a day Birmingham man Gordon Fluck found his stranded mother-in-law spread eagled naked in an incorrectly assembled sex swing in her home in Solihull.

"I was just nipping over to drop off some shopping and make sure the carers had been round," he cringed, "Then the unpleasantness happened.  I'd have fainted had it not been for her Christian Grey t-shirt.  You see I married one hell of a minger, you know the story, one night stand, bun in the oven, game set and match, so you can imagine my disgust at finding my 92-year-old mother-in-law danglingly six ways from Sunday from the lounge ceiling.  The books were everywhere and quite obviously to blame."

"Their pants."

"We have to make a firm stance on this decision," cited David Cameron, "This Government has to be seen to be making a stand on this matter.  Too many lives are being ruined and we hope that with this labelling people will take their hands out of their pants and listen to the dangers facing them."

E. L. James.

Author of the multi-bajillion selling book E. L. James has defended her fortune saying that, "My novel is not poorly written and has given hope to many woman throughout the world.  Without my reader's daily fix of Grey they will not be able to escape the drudgery of their pitiful lives and this classification is going to make a serious dent in that appreciation."

Last week saw a 700% increase in STI's, workplace affairs and hardware sales up from 544% for the month ending August.  The trend in literature experimentation has also brought about a new type of book group where the use of rope and handcuffs have added to the surge in dedicated Fifty Shades Admittance Lines that are now springing up in most major hospitals.

"One guy had it."

"The impact this book is having on our countries infrastructure is massive," claimed Doctor Foster of Gloucestershire Royal Infirmary, "We've seen more chocking, insecurities and broken penis's than I care to relate, although I will say that it's been loads and one guy had it totally bent off.  If Britain wants to survive the next few months the smut has to stop.  A healthy wank inside or outside of a relationship is a good release for the building of hourly tension and I would advise people take precautions to avoid surrendering themselves to Fifty Shades at all costs."

A Fifty Shades addict.

He continued, "With Fifty Shades of Smut, manface James is targeting vulnerable individuals who have probably got some serious Stephanie Meyer experience under their waists to begin with and from their it's only a stepping stone to something harder.  I enjoy a bit of Dan Brown like the next person but I indulge in moderation.  So if you want to see your friends and family shitting themselves in some alley while jacked up on Christian Fundamentalism leaflets praising L. Ron Hubbard and James Patterson as gods then go ahead and buy them the complete Fifty Shades trilogy."

Experts at Oxford University have spent time analysing the text with shocking results.  "What we've found is disturbing," claimed researcher David Fake, "The make-up of this gateway book is a deeply addictive mixture of self pity, laziness and emotional gluttony bonded to a massive string of twattiness.  With Twilight fan fiction of this potency coming from such a bizarre middle aged woman the effects of over exposure could potentially result in loneliness, weight gain, ugliness, cats and excessive masturbation to teenage vampire films.  This creation is sick and we support the Government's decision to alert the public to its dangers."

"This woman's perverted."

"This is just another case of some deranged connected nut case inflicting her talentless agenda upon the world," claimed PTA member Glenda Dale, "Why should the general public be made to play psychiatrist to this woman's perverted insecurities?  In my opinion today's decision is not tough enough and frankly I think all copies of the book should be liquidated and replaced with the works of P.G. Wodehouse so that people can appreciate some good old fashioned right wing frolics and none of this terribly written mess."

Alexander Skarsgard xxx

Despite James' exposure of the British public as sexually repressed perverts, experimentation is on the rise and if rumours are to be believed, the casting of Alexander sex face Skarsgard in the title role of the upcoming film adaption could cause an even bigger surge in poor literacy publishing.

This coupled with the soon to be released Fifty Shades Of Gay, a novel about two homosexual writer's who recite a semi-autobiographical account of their office smuttery that develops into dangerous intensity alongside their quest of topping the UK book charts, could see Britain enter a new age of imagination.

"It's Not Our Fault Today's Youth Are Useless."

by Shaky Parkinson

Tired Deputy PM Nick Clegg
"I have a gun in my pocket,
it's that easy."

The Government has once again been beaten into a corner after trying to teach young people the trait of responsibility after work experience sanctions were today dropped amid vicious attack.  A number of charities and business' decided to take the misguided moral high ground by claiming the proposed scheme to get people into work was nothing but 'Unpaid Labour'.

"It's not our fault that Today's Youth are useless.  It's yesterday's Government," chuckled Prime Minister David Cameron, "There are jobs everywhere, EVERYWHERE!  If employers cannot find suitable people to employ don't you think that hints towards a youth that are simply useless?  This is just a step up program, which has yet to be criticised for its success.  Wouldn't you rather have out of work people earning their benefits as opposed to clogging up the servers of my Xbox Live?"

Despite the Government's best efforts to do anything, criticism has once again reared its nosey face to have a whinge and put across its own personal and superior argument.  "It's disgraceful," claimed Greggs CEO George Pasty, "We won't participate in a scheme where people aren't paid, although we're happy to announce ten new branches to be opening nationally next week."

"They aren't working for free, we keep giving them loads of money.  We don't have to but we do, so a bit of gratitude on their part is much appreciated," continued the PM, "Besides, there are some that actually enjoy being in a working environment, just because they aren't getting paid doesn't mean shit.  I think 8 weeks of reasonably gentle stock adjusting is a good trade for six years of financial freedom."

Some very passive and levelheaded
man who opposes the stuff.

"Any employer that would willingly accept free labour are scumbags," claimed mother Kathy Bates (Not that one), "Why can't all these huge and no doubt financially stable business' pay for my daughter to mess up their shops.  It's scum and a disgrace."

The PM tried again, "There isn't even any obligation for benefit claimers to participate in the first place and now if they display a lack of discipline they are fucking rewarded.  You do understand this lack of motivation and knowledge that the state will pay for your 367inch plasma screens is what caused us to instigate the scheme in the first place.  If that's what you want then bring on the Zombie Nation but don't expect anything with as lasting quality as Kernkraft 400."

"Frankly I think the scheme is horrid," cited local business owner Deborah Twat, "I like my young staff to be fully paid and inept.  Anything else is just a mockery to the system."

Cake!

"You whinge about people mooching off the state so we try and change it and what do you fucktards do, you fucking whinge.  If you want to bring about self destruction we've got a lot of nukes stored up, it'll only take a few minutes to bring about our total ruin, or is that too long?"

The debate is set to continue as they always do and News Guff is proud to vacate the frontline in favour of a doughnut break and Emmerdale.

Jeremy Clarkson Complaints Replayed For Millions

by Shaky Parkinson 

Zillions of complaints have poured into the BBC demanding an end to the insulting comments made by Jeremy Clarkson on yesterday's edition of The One Show.  Mr. Clarkson stated that all public sector strikers should, "Be taken out and executed in front of their families," and the comment has generated huge amounts of public anger when it was picked up by BBC News 24 and played on a constant loop throughout the day.

"I'm really outraged," claimed Nosey Parker, "First I had to write in to complain about Mr. Clarkson and his tirade of filth, then I had to complain about the fact the BBC kept repeating it.  I've been offended over seventy times today by the same event and I'm furious.  I've been down to the post office several times already and God knows the queues don't get any shorter.  Does the BBC think I'm made of stamps?"

"I could do without this shit," claimed BBC complaints manager, Derrick Whinge, "We've just found out about a glitch in the new Frozen Planet DVD where David Attenborough says 'fuck' so things are pretty hectic around here without another Clarkson comment piling up the work.  I still like Top Gear."

"His comments hurt deep," claimed administrative worker Daniel Dumps, "And having to see them being played over and over again just adds salt to the wound.  I went striking in good faith but to realise that I had done so mistakenly was just too much to bear.  I'm going to load up my air rifle and take it into the front garden as per Jeremy's suggestion and do the right thing."

"The public sector workers in this country are privilege to some of the best pensions in the world," claimed Father Chris Mass, "You're not the only ones getting a pay freeze.  At least you teachers are doing a job you bloody enjoy.  If I have to explain God's motives for another dead three year old I'm done.  The rate my profession is going I'll be lucky to retire on anything more than a weekly helping of bread and incense."

"Unfortunately we live in a democracy," remarked Clarkson, "It's my opinion, I know the BBC is pretty weak minded but if I cannot express myself on a 'Topical' magazine show then why bother having me here?  You know what I'm like.  I still can't believe anyone was even watching this hunk of shit.  The only reason this show is here is because of a complete lack competition.  I'd hate to know that Top Gear was getting shared with a plate of microwavable curry.  Do I still get paid?"

Mr. Clarkson's comments could end up with him facing prosecution and eventually see him sentenced to a crime.  "I've done a crime now have I," spouted Clarkson, "It's not my fault you lot can't take a joke, but if you need an apology then I suppose I'll give you one along with the BBC."  The BBC has yet to apologise with any sincerity and the whole affair has wound up turning into yet another attack on the Prime Minister.

"I didn't say anything," claimed David Cameron during a berating at the hands of Philip Schofield, "Just because I know someone doesn't make them my responsibility.  I know people hate Clarkson because he is rich but you're worth a fair few million and he brings in a hell of a lot of revenue for the BBC.  Just because you're on a morning chat show doesn't make you one of the people Schofield.  If Clarkson wants to talk like an arse that should theoretically be his problem.  I will say that his comments were silly, foolish and should not have been given repeated airtime.  That is what Top Gear is for and he should know that."

Calls for Clarkson's removal from television screens have been wide spread.  "There have been many good arguments as to why we should sack Mr. Clarkson," explained director general Mark Thompson, "But the thing is that he makes us loads of cash, and so we can get away with offending people by repeating the story over and over.  It's all great publicity, even if it isn't entirely newsworthy, at least people now know The One Show exists."

Whatever may happen it is thought that the reruns will be continued for at least the next twenty four hours until interest in the story fades with many irate viewers planning sit outs at their local post office to get their complaints into Television Centre on the first post.  If you want information on where your nearest Clarkson Loathers Against Profanity sit out is taking place, simple ring 118 118 and ask for the CLAP.

Youth Not To Blame For Youth Unemployment

by Shaky Parkinson

Today's attacks on the government were leveled squarely at the failing economy that isn't failing but just slow and the fact that youth unemployment rose to over a million.  It seems a pampered and spoilt generation of youngsters are finding it difficult to muster up the strength to look for work.

"It's shit right," claimed one Claimant, "The government is all full of rich tossers and I can't even afford the latest Call of Duty game.  There's jobs out there man but that's not right, I wanna be rich and all that but I ain't serving coffee or nuffin'."

"He's right, jobs start way to early, I can't handle it," agreed his Friend, "Scanning barcodes and puttin' change in a till is just beyond me, they don't teach you anything useful at school man.  I'm not qualified to be intelligent."

The Office For National Statistics said the job rate hit 8.3%, which was more than it had been at some point previous to that.  People in the North East were getting screwed more than them in the South East.  The unemployment rate is the highest since 1996 with the total number of unemployed being the highest since 1994.  The number of woman out of work jumped from 49,000 to 1.9million that was the highest since 1988 and the number of people in work was down on the quarter by 197,000.  "It's a mess," stated Employment Minister Chris Grayling.

"I've looked over the statistics and frankly I'm shitting my pants.  They've got graphs, pie charts and all sorts, it's not looking hot.  Let's face it, the ONS have dropped the ball on occasion with their percentage of babies being named after David Beckham survey being woefully incorrect but even I can tell this looks bad.  People are yelling and there's a lot of whinging going on and frankly that usually spells disaster for someone and looking around it could be me."

Local drug circulator Dennis Fartbum spoke out about his outrage at the situation, "It's outrageous, those poor young kiddies, not being able to work.  It breaks your heart.  How are they going to keep up with their Ford Fiesta payments on job seekers?  And what with the booze and fag taxes going up what sort of example are we setting?  A bad one I think you'll agree."

Not agreeing was Shopkeeper Laura Elle, "I sell flowers.  Young people don't know what flowers are.  Therefore employing them would be a mistake.  I'll speak honestly.  I don't want some glue sniffing ill-mannered moron ruining my business when I can employ someone older and a little bit smarter.  I tried running a work experience placement to get some of the kids into the feel of things but I left one of them with a few telephone orders and he got confused when I told him it couldn't do a text.  They have no one to blame but themselves."

It is the thought the population increase is to blame with a higher proportion of idiots coming out strong during mating season.  "It's the ugly ones that breed," claimed Social Expert Doug Ross, "When you've got nothing to lose there is no expectation and a sheer willingness to procreate.  All the pretty people are so stuck up their own egos they haven't the time to have babies.  It's all very sad.  This trend towards idiocy could well bring about an end to our current civilization.  By my reckoning we'll be fucked into Armageddon by 2017."

"They're not all bad," stuck up Ed Miliband, "The Youth have just been misunderstood, it isn't their fault, it's the Tories.  They've done something bad and look at the results."

"There are a few good ones out there," continued Ross, "I can name at least thirty good young people.  If the ONS are correct and my trust is still shaky after that Apocalypse 2010 debacle then there maybe more.  It is just easier to spot the useless ones."

As the debate rages through Parliament and Cameron musters up the strength to live through another day, questions are still being asked as to why he has failed the youth of yesterday and today and tomorrow.

Campsite Ruined By Mongs

by Shaky Parkinson

St. Paul's new campsite has proven a huge failure with the intended space being taken over by a rabble of mongs.  The campsite was opened a few weeks ago under a new scheme proposed by the Church of England but was quickly over run with smelly beer swigging hippies before the end of the first day.

"I was horrified when we arrived," claimed Tommy Booker, a cash and carry accountant, "I'd booked three nights for me and the family but when we showed up our space had been filled by a half naked drunk man spouting out incorrect political filth.  I've brought up the children with a fairly open mind but the sight of a grown man spitting out the failings of democracy that have been working well for over a thousand years is just too much.  We didn't hang around and I'm disgraced that these fools are aloud outside.  Maybe if we took away the freedom they seem to hate so much we could get away with a bit of state governed killing.  If I want to see stupidity I'll go in there," he fumed pointing to the Cathedral.

Vaguely put.

News Guff tried to track down the leader of the faceless mess but was unable to track down a single soul willing to take responsibility for the protest and our researchers were stumped when they tried to contact the organisation online.

Fortunately we ran into one Protestor who was willing to give us his views on the demonstration. "We're here for the working man," he whinged, "All the politicians have the money and that is wrong, we want some.  Things aren't equal and we want things equal.  Sort of like Communism but like Democracy.  We want equality but as long as everything stays the same right.  It's what we're all about."

When we interviewed a second passionate Fool he had this to say, "If those cunts want a peaceful protest we'll give them one.  This is a free campsite, I'll sleep where I fucking want.  At least I'm not in their bumming God and kids and stuff, what I'm doing is totally rad and cool and you can't arrest us cos' we checked."

Two non-violent protestors
sporting anonymous anarchistic face
masks.

"We never thought things would turn out like this," sighed the Rt Revd. Graeme Knowles, "It was all meant to be taken in good faith but I'm walking around the Cathedral and I'm knee deep in Subway wrappers and shit.  That's not the type of set-up we were aiming for.  We tried being forgiving and people said we were weak, then we decided to get tough and we were being pricks.  Maybe a free Church of England campsite was a silly idea?  Who cares, I'm quitting, there's no way I'm cleaning up this mess."

It is now thought the campsite will stay as it is until the squatters get bored or the cameras find a new focus for attention.  "We don't want another Kowloon Walled City on our hands," claimed David Cameron, "We could always cut off their benefits but that is a risky strategy, these buggers have exploited the weakness's inherent in the Church and Democracy itself, so we may have no other option to turn to Communism and let the Labour Party in.  Shame really, I was doing rather well."

The Weeks Gossip From Perth

by Shaky Parkinson

Last weeks Commonwealth Summit saw 54 heads of state convene in Perth for a bit of a get together.  News Guff's man on the beach, Shaky Parkinson, was there to cover the event.

This gathering of politicians was set to change the face of thinking and get some stuff sorted out and from my detailed research I can safely say that the summit's biggest impact was made in the pudding section of the buffet cart.  And who can blame them, the food was top notch, the service second to none and that cute little blonde number serving the crabs was nothing but a vision.

I also heard rumours that Barbados and the Maldives spent a few interesting moments in the chalet and the Queen had a wonderful time pretending to be interested in her irritatingly numerous subjects.  Sri Lanka's Uncle was also let loose on the bar after slipping free of his health care worker and spent a pleasant week harassing the local talent and getting plastered on gin.  Iain Duncan Smith was also seem practising his dive bombing in the pool and by Friday had gotten it down to a fine art, being able to splash the Solomon Islands with deceptive ease.  I think they would have been more upset if they'd been conscious but they don't get away from the wives to often and the tequila blammer's really took their toll.

As usual the annual twister contest was won by Pakistan but the trophy giving hit new heights of hilarity when India got jealous and botched an attempt at sabotage that resulted in Ghana's Nan getting a full tank in the face from a Super Soaker 2100v.

On the downside someone who has yet to be identified left one mean smelling creation in the lads' toilets and by all accounts the finger is being pointed at you Tuvalu.  Maybe you do things differently out there on the Pacific Rim but there is no excuse for that kind of activity being present at such a significant political get together.  Cameroon's Mum was almost sick and once the smell got sucked into the vents the buffet had to be postponed for the afternoon.  Maybe you did it, maybe you didn't but Trinidad and Tobago were playing hide and seek when they saw you leave the restroom and you know well enough that they can't lie.

Right, it's been a hectic week and Shaky needs him some beauty sleep.  Front side down, after sun on.  Bingo.

Eating Meat Deemed Cruel, Legally

by Shaky Parkinson

A bill has today been presented to the House of Commons that if passed will see the banning of all meat consumption in the UK.  There is outcry everywhere with the bill starting widespread conflict and rioting throughout the nation.

"This needs to happen," claims Animal Welfare Campaigner, Mrs. Bacon Stodge, "Animals are being killed and then eaten.  What kind of ancient barbaric ritual are we practicing in this country?  We've found ways to make things taste like meat without actually eating it so this legislation shouldn't change anything, except give Quorn a more verbal airing."

"This is complete balls," claimed Birdseye President Christopher J. Puma, "No one in their right mind is going to give up their meat without a fight.  Although on the other hand these nutbags are in a minority and they always tend to get their way so there is certainly cause for danger.  This would make Clarence Birdseye turn in his grave.  In fact could you stay clear of the deep freeze compartments because that is where he goes to chill out and news like this could really spoil his afterlife."

"I'm sick of these damn veggies," exclaimed butcher, Pat Shat, "All they do is whinge and protest and whinge.  Maybe they would put up a better argument if they had the strength for debate that only a pork rib can provide.  Linda McCartney made them some bloody sausages, what more do they want?  Next they'll have veggie black pudding.  It's a disgrace, that's ours."

Could you say no to that burger?

We spoke to one Out-and-about on the subject, "They may take our lives, but they'll never take our BACOOOOON!!!"

Another had this to say, "You can take my civil liberties, you can take away my right to vote, you can bend me over and fuck me until I'm blue, but there is no way you're taking away my chicken Ragalosh.  That's just the way it is."

When asked if the nationwide rioting due to her proposed legislation is a good thing, Mrs. Stodge replied, "The riots are fine as long as no animals get hurt in the proceedings."  When greeted with the knowledge that human beings are animals too Mrs. Stodge commented, "In some respects the working class are animals, but not biologically dear.  Don't let their barbaric ways and beer guts fool you, they are just like you and eh, your colleagues.  Simply out to kill anything they can eat and this is the thought that sickens me."

When asked to comment about the situation David Cameron sighed, "Please tell me that isn't a serious question?"  Even Ed Miliband had more constructive ways to spend his remaining time in office.  Presumably rearranging his name plate and ordering more stationary.

The Bill is set to pass from the Commons into the House of Lords on Thursday but the resulting clash with steak night is thought to spell doom to proceedings.

Labour Probably Promise 'Heaven On Earth'

by Shaky Parkinson

The no nonsense, life ruining, money swindling, retarded farts known as the Labour Party have taken policy making to the next extreme by promising the countries' morons 'Heaven on earth'.

"We believe in people being given everything they want as long as it means we look good and get to stay at the top," said Ed Balls, "Everyone is pissed off that they are loosing cash because of the mess left by us the last Labour government so despite it being completely unfeasible we have decided to promise that we will reverse as many of these cuts as we can.  We're not them, we're New New Labour which is really new."

It appears the majority of cuts to be reversed will magically benefit people from strong Labour backgrounds and areas or indeed any potential vote.  "I think people have to believe what we say and that means we have to be very careful about what we say," stated Balls in a Radio 4 interview.

According to Balls, "Britain is crying out for a better way," and that "He would not be making any irresponsible promises," he simply said, "We'll see you all on the lawn outside the pearly gates and it will be heaven with Labour."

"Tossers," remarked David Cameron, "You put on a damn tie and your public enemy number one.  What is wrong with these morons, I bet half the people whinging voted for this mess in the first place.  These cretins all see me as some sort of rich snob, well here's a truth, I see them as a bunch of greedy simpletons with about as much brain capacity as a melted dildo.  If you want to throw our country down the shitter because of a bit of discomfort then go fuck yourself.   I'll get on the blower and tell Oxfam to pull the plug on their latest advertising campaign."

"Whatever people disliked about our last term in office then that is what we will probably not do, and that's a certainty, which is probably better than a promise.  Just vote for us and find out," finished Balls.



News Guff must state it has always been the beacon of impartiality and no amount of bribes or free Caramacs will change that.  Eat Caramacs they're grrreeeeeeaaaaaat! 

Greece Attempts Suicide

by Shaky Parkinson

The current economical situation in the Eurozone seems to have proved too much Greece as earlier today the country decided to take its own life.  Economists were called onto the scene this afternoon and have claimed that 'Strike Action' was said to be the method used in the attempt.

We spoke to George Osborne, "The word on the grapevine is that the money all us sensible countries lent to Greece was apparently too tyrannical.  The methods and restrictions we have put in place to ensure that Greece is still able to feed itself were apparently really mean."

Since the incident Greece has been locked within a stupidity coma that makes communication impossible.  It is hoped Economists and Politicians can somehow bring Greece round but the outlook is bleak, not very good and potentially bad.

"I loved Greece like a son," wept Nicolas Sarkozy, "I work, I toil and for what?  Look at how the world has treated Greece.  Watch it lying helpless and unloved on its own back.  I did everything for it and this is how I am repayed."

The incident has also sparked a number of radical copycats, all hell bent on defaulting this life in the desperate hope of somewhere richer.  "Once that volcano blasts up again we're going to the top and hurling ourselves into the crater," whinged Iceland, "Things are looking pretty grim and we are also running low on cash.  That money we stole from Great Britain didn't even cover the heating bills.  So we've decided this is all for the best."

America toyed with the idea for a few minutes before hearing that the Russians were too enthusiastic about the plans, so unless a double bluff can get the go ahead the threat of more defaulting may be averted.

Economists have said that Greece is in a critical state but even a small union ballot could be enough to send it over the edge.  They were adamant that Greece would recover in time and that they, "Weren't letting go."

"Our thoughts are with the family," stated David Cameron, "They are also with it's wallet.  Let's hope there's a donor card in there."

Chinese Whispers Gets Out Of Control

by Shaky Parkinson

After a recent investigation by Scotland Yard's Technological Detectives Unit a culprit for last weeks rioting has been identified.  The widespread riots that caused chaos in London and other leading cities across England resulted in the death of four men and billions of pounds damage to businesses and the economy.

It seems that the origin of these terrible events can be traced back to the social networking site Facebook.  In particular one single message posted on the morning of 6th August by Tommy Collins that read, "Cereal's lonely, need milk from the shops."

It seems this catalyst triggered a serious case of Chinese Whispers that brought the country to the brink of Civil War claimed Scotland Yard's report.  "As usual events such as these always have a starting point," claimed DC Piggins, "Mr. Collins was unfortunate that his little quip was the catalyst for the worst case of Chinese Whispers ever to grace our country.  We've never seen anything like it.  The story just didn't come full circle.  Those poor cornflakes."

The report states the confusion as instant, with Collins' bit on the side Sally ('In A Relationship With') instantly heading to Top Shop for, "A ruckus of epic proportion."  Things went from shit to chaotic when Sally's message to her chum down in Croydon claiming she was, "Just nipping off for a quick loot," was mistakenly passed on as, "Free stuff and riots in town, BRING FIRE!!!"

From then on a chain reaction of University friends and old school buddies that are their to bump up the numbers caused widespread miscommunication, "On an epic scale of epical epicness," continued DC Piggins, "Facebook really isn't the place for stupidity.  Look at what can happen when one moron mistakes the ravings of a quirky maniac.  It's a wonder the country is still standing."

Social Networking Specialist Peter Dullard had this to say, "This is a freak occurrence.  There is always the off chance that a rogue trail of Chinese Whispers could break free and evolve into an unstoppable train of shit, but that is no reason to blame social networking.  Please don't blame it, without it I won't have friends."

"This goes beyond the normal cock jokes around the table and the silly billy antics of pass the parcel," stated David Cameron, "This is a level of miscommunication only previously experienced in trying to recite the alphabet whilst pissed or in a Coen Brothers' flick.  With the Blackberry culture booming there was no way of stopping the whisper.  I'm just happy with the police's reaction to the riots or maybe not, depends how the press want to swing it."

I spokesperson from Specsavers said, "They should have gone to Specsavers."

Sympathy For Norway Waning

by Shaky Parkinson

After last weeks car bomb attack in Oslo, sympathy for poor old Norway has already turned into bitter resentment.  It seems the incident has quickly lost its global standing with many world leaders calling the Norwegians, "Babies," and to, "Just get over it."

It seems Jamaica's 'Chill Out' and France's 'Shit Happens' sympathy cards have fallen on unsympathetic ears and have been deemed rude and insensitive by the Norwegians.

"Count yourselves lucky this is the worse thing that has happened to your country since the War.  God forbid anything really disastrous happened.  You sour faced bastards would crumble at the shock," fumed one Global Leader, "How about we stick a tsunami up your ass and see how you cope!"

It seems the social Utopian image being emitted from Norway over the past fifty years was just a publicity stunt claims UN Intelligence.  What with Anders Breivik's initial car bomb causing instant racist attacks in the capital, The World is starting to lose their patience.  "It seems homegrown terrorism is too good for Norway," chimed one Nation.

What with Norway's 100,000 strong Muslim population being the motivation for Anders' violent quest the immigrant population are quite rightly getting very worried at these turn of events.  It seems a man whose appearance screams 'Nazi' was deemed normal enough to warrant a lower threat level than the terrorist cell, Al-Qaeda.

When asked to comment Al-Qaeda said, "Who or what is a Norway?  Are they make believe like the Smurfs?  Why would we blow up the Smurfs?  We love the Smurfs."  Indeed initial reports claim that most Muslims thought they were to blame for the attack which in turn didn't further their cause.

Amid the thousands of gushing mourners roaming the capital's streets there was a sheepish group of Somalians getting some suspiciously aggressive looks.  "It seems Anders' goal may see fruition yet," whispered one Muslim Mother, "The shock of the event is too much for their small Liberal minds to handle and a backlash could potentially happen at anytime."

The killings have only highlighted the fact that behind their clean socialist image the Norwegians are just as racist and fractured as the rest of humanity.  "This really is a wake up call for the buggers," alleged David Cameron, "They should be counting themselves lucky the Death Toll went down.  I never catch a break."

Plans for a national Norwegian field trip to Somalia have met with large scale global enthusiasm but little encouragement at home.  "We'd love to go," grieved one Griever, "But there is just too much grieving to be done and we don't want to get contaminated with whatever it is they have over there."

Unfortunately Norway has failed to learn their lesson with a ten fold increase in national security coupled with fear at an all time monstrosity.  It seems a home grown political attack is still not their fault and the whole world should drop whatever it is doing and join in with their grief.

In response The World said, "They were washing their hair."

Miliband Down In The Dumps

by Shaky Parkinson

A shocking revelation has brought to light the fact that Ed Miliband has been walking around Westminster with a toilet on his head.  The toilet was first noticed yesterday at Mario's Pasta Emporium by a member of the public.  It seems the Labour leader was enjoying a light dinner after a grueling day of Tory slagging and upon thanking the waiter for his meal he attracted the attention of his fellow patrons.

Fellow diner, Reg Gusset, was, "Shocked to see the Labour leader express gratitude," but was even more shocked when his application of interest revealed the stained white porcelain of an Armitage classic. "It was incredible, I've never paid any attention to his crap but you would have thought his own party would have noticed something," he continued.

Asked if he would leave the restaurant Miliband said, "No," then politely threatened to sue the owner for emotional damage and whiplash saying, "This is a democracy and my political views are just as valid as anyone's here.  I won't be alienated by my position"  Mario responded with, "What position is that Sir?" and upon Miliband's insistence that he was head of the Labour Party, Mario insisted he should leave.

Once the story broke and people actually started listening to Miliband the toilet was in plain view for all to see. "I don't know what the fuss is about," said Ed's Mum, "It's always been like this.  I remember him playing politician as child.  Streaking up and down the landing with freshly formed policies, waving paper around and spewing out filth.  It is very unbecoming but he is still my little boy and I love him dearly even if he is head of the Labour Party.  Although it would be nice not to get all those looks at the supermarket."

The general opinion floating around Westminster is that Miliband has such a liking for his own bullshit that he can't bear to be separated from it.  Donald Intelligent, a behavioural specialist from Oxford College Oxford was intrigued by the matter, "It seems the ego of this young man, coupled with a knowing insecurity about his skill, intelligence and personality have manifested itself in the need for constant affirmation.  In this case, the bullshit he is being fed by his aids becomes a reassurance and he cannot bare to be parted from the reaction.  This is very much like Gordon Brown's comfort blanket and Tony Blair's toy soldiers."

Miliband's housekeeper Doris was, "Just as shocked as the rest of the country, but it does explain why we have regular deliveries from Toilet Duck."

Ed Miliband quickly organised a press conference to discuss the situation but unfortunately no one showed up and the big hoorah quickly faded from memory.  MP's were seen wondering around Westminster confused as to the recent hysterics and 'funny smell', that a press release from Labour HQ stated was probably caused by the Tories and that Cameron should be forced to resign.

Cameron responded calling Miliband a 'pooh pooh head' and was surprised by the effectiveness of the insult.

PM's Trip Cut By Three Days

by Shaky Parkinson

David Cameron was today peeved at plans to cut his sojourn to South Africa by three days because of the absolute mess caused by News International's alleged phone hacking activities.  "This is bollocks," he sulked to his scheduling committee, "Why can't I stay the full five days, it's Mandela's Birthday Party and everything.  I miss all the fun."

Today's resignation of Met Commissioner, Sir Paul Stephenson, has put increasing pressure on the Prime Minister to shorten his trading holiday.  "It's probably best the PM doesn't look like he is running away, even if the weather over their is looking pretty good," stated the PM's head of staff.

Cameron was even more upset when the trade meetings he had planned were all squished together and his trip to the beach was cancelled.  "This is so unfair, I wanted a nice little dip in the ocean and now I'm stuck talking to people.  I bought a new bucket and spade and everything.  It is so boring, can't they just do what I say and go away," he whined while dragging his suitcase to the meeting.

"I couldn't go swimming in China, India or Afghanistan and now I'm stuck in board meetings.  I can see the beach from the window.  It isn't fair.  I should have gone to Mexico with Cleggy," he commented.

Asked if he could comment on his hiring of ex News Of The World Editor, Andy Coulson he groaned, "How was I supposed to know he was a bit dodgy? I'm a politician, we're all dodgy.  If it wasn't for journalists I wouldn't have anyone fun to talk to.  I only hired him because of his Bob The Builder Lunchbox."

Elaborating he claimed that, "Andy also came with a letter of recommendation from himself which the others didn't have so I couldn't not give him the job, he may have told his Mum on me.  That doesn't excuse his hacking of people's phones.  He is such a twathead.  I hope he gets locked up and never sees a beach as long as he lives.  Does he realise how busy I am now and I haven't even brushed my teeth."

The PM was suddenly ushered away from the press for nap time and colouring in leaving Theresa May to talk to the press.  "No one put any pressure on Sir Paul to resign, it seems Neil Wallis' involvement got the better of the old codger.  These fucking journalists are really just dicking around at the wrong time.  This mess is really going to spill over into the summer break," she sighed.

As usual Labour had nothing constructive to say in the matter.

Gordon Brown Jumps On Ethics Bandwagon In Bid To Be Remembered

by Shaky Parkinson

Former country wrecker Gordon Brown has today attacked News International over its "Disgusting" methods, "Ruthless tactics," and links to the "Criminal Underworld."  "I'VE been out of the limelight for a while and MY PR team said I should attack something big and this seemed the best candidate," the MP stated off the record, "I AM totally willing to rape the notion of ethics if it gets ME and MY POOR, POOR, ill son into the papers."

Asked what he thought about the phone hacking scandal he said, "It is outrageous and disgusting, but enough about that let's talk about ME.  You know they had MY bank details, MY details, it is a disgrace at the way MY personal information can be shared around without any regards to the consequences."  The rest of his mumbling about "Unlawful tactics, Milly Dowler and ordinary citizens," went unheard as our reporter was usurped by a man claiming to be himself.

Further questioning about his administration's dependence on spin journalism and his own alleged media abuses, Brown concluded the interview and ran out of the building, he later claimed, "In tears," but failed to make the exit after slipping on an ID card brochure.

Ed Miliband was quick to defend the MP by whoring himself out to the press with a visit to the Dowler family home.  Amidst winks at the assembled photographers he brought the now meaningless 'D' word into effect and demanded that the Tories sort out, "Justice for them," and that, "Action should be taken on a broad range of issues."

Asked to elaborate Miliband started sweating, blamed the Tories and ran out of the house to hide behind a nearby newsagents.  David Cameron was quick to respond with gritted teeth to say his heart, "Went out to Gordon and Sarah Brown."

Many detailed investigations, reports and investigations are already underway with a delighted Whitehall making many enthusiastic trips to the stationary cupboard.

Latest Series Of 'Prime Minister's Questions' Is Doing Good

by Shaky Parkinson

The latest series of Prime Minister's Questions has shocked critics and ratings polls alike by breaking all previous records for the show.  The confident 'come out swinging' attitude of the show's hero David Cameron is apparently a runaway hit with the public.

The shows producers the BBC have whinged that the new format is working a treat and makes a welcome change from the tyrannical exploits of the previous cast.  Gordon Brown's stupid blustery bitching wasn't doing the viewers any good but his replacement Ed Miliband is working well with the ensemble cast.

Miliband, who has been brought in to field critical abuse from the shows lead has until now handled the role to perfection.  His bumbling, witless, insulting and misinformed contribution to the cast has created a vicious harmony between 'opposing sides' The Red and Blue Team.

Today's episode is said to have smashed all ratings since the shows inception and David's all out confident attack on the entire house came as a shock to viewers.  No Member of Parliament was left unscathed by David Cameron's unstoppable train of dialogue.  "He fielded question after question without so much as a glance at his notes," says co-star George Osborne, "I wouldn't want to play him at Trivial Pursuit."

The pace of the program never abated and after Miliband was left to sulk in the kiddie's corner Cameron clearly established himself as the shows out right leader.  The program's researchers are confused as to the origin of his in depth encyclopedic knowledge of all things political.  "We just gave him a piece of paper that read 'Wing it'," said one Researcher while busy making willy jokes on Wikipedia.

The audience response to the program was ecstatic.  One Hag from Winchester had this to say, "I love him, I have a picture of him on my wall and I think he is right good."  Further praise was given to the Blue Team's leader in the form of Mrs. Miss from Dudley, "He's a hunk and I'm totally voting for him next time."

The news of the shows success wasn't taken well by Miliband who is in talks with the unemployment office about switching to their current ratings boomer 'Job Centre Fortnightly'.  Apparently he suffered mental and emotional abuse at the hands of his co-star Cameron and was not gifted with the cuddles he was promised.

With today's ratings peaking at 4.8billion the shows creators are hoping that the upsurge will allow them to push for another series.  The same group later okayed this decision and a search for a new Red Team Leader is underway.  If the move does go ahead the producers are praying to God that Ed Balls will step in and take over the reins so that they can continually print his name over and over again.

Nick Clegg was unwanted for comment.