Tennant And Osbourne To Duel

by Shaky Parkinson

Flagship BBC program The One Show was forced off the air this evening when an argument broke out between Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osbourne and Royal Shakespeare Company operative David Tennant.  As is their want the BBC have already apologised for the incident but the fight seems fit to continue as the pair don swords in a duel to be held at dawn.

"Financial grants to cows."

The conflict arose moments after the Chancellor ended his discussion about the Coalition's latest environmental scheme to reduce Britain's CO2 emissions by awarding financial grants to cows if they cease flatulating.

Despite staff claiming that the Chancellor 'Appeared stressed' and was 'Looking very pale' he openly discussed the scheme as well as claims about back bench opposition to the proposal, "The scheme is a doozy.  Really top notch thinking, and we've got our best guys on it.  Clegg, Cable, the whole team and the MP's who are opposing this strategy need to think in the long term if Britain is going to help combat global warming. People elected us so we would resolve the economic problems left to us by the previous government but we've gone one step further by altering every facet of daily life in our bid to assist the nation."

Further observations that the Chancellor looked 'Vacant and emotionally ignorant' failed to dampen his spirits as he left the studio during the broadcasting of a Springwatch 2013 segment to join fellow guest David Tennant in the green room where minutes later raised voices were heard.  Eventually the banging and smashes alerted security who broke into the barricaded room to find the couple rough housing amongst a pile of empty Celebration Wrappers.

Tennant moments before the fight.

"Backwell back in 2008."

"We got them apart as quickly as we could," commented Security Officer Mick James, "But they were at each others throats. Galaxy Truffle this and see you on the battlefield that.  I haven't dealt with anything this nasty since Len Goodman and Bruce Forsyth threw down over a cherry bakewell back in 2008."

"The pair were flustered," claimed presenter Matt Baker, "And we just want to apologise to our viewer for the incident.  Thanks to my Blue Peter first aid training I was able to treat David's bruised ego and the Chancellor's ever reddening cheek before matters got out of hand."

Although staff were unable to discover a cause for the hostilities Tennant was eager to protest his innocence as the pair were calmly lead from Broadcasting House, """I'M INNOCENT!!! DOTH NOT THE EYE SEETH TRUTH IN ME??? HISS HISS HISS!!!""" while a more animated Osbourne was furious at the incident, "Boys will be boys and this is nothing more than a bit of light improv that got out of hand. Still no matter how the delivery a challenge is a challenge," but when asked to elaborate neither party could offer any further explanation although runner Claire Hutching witnessed the argument from outside the green room.

"I couldn't hear much through the overacting," she claimed, "But it seemed that there was a dispute about chocolate, which was followed by a lot of swearing and things being thrown around before I distinctly heard the word 'duel' and 'twat' being repeated a number of times.

Osbourne's duelling gonks.

This comment was later confirmed when Tennant released a press statement claiming, """GEORGE OSBOURNE IS NO MORE A SNOB THAN I AM A THESPIAN!!!  AND WE SHALL BE DUELLING TO THE DEATH COME DAYBREAK!!!"""  Downing Street also delivered a similar announcement that stated 'Chancellor Osbourne has accepted the challenge of a duel and will comply with all the requisite procedures required in its undertaking'.

"Duels are to be fought."

Parliamentary tradition dictates that all duels are to be fought at first light upon the waters of the river Thames overlooking the Houses of Parliament and in good faith the palace has offered the royal duelling barge to act as the customary vessel.

Royal duelling barge.

What with Osbourne's 2nd grade fencing award from Magdalen College and Tennant's extensive use of stage props bookies are saying that a Tennant death would prove unfavourable as would an Osbourne win and are therefore refusing to give odds on either opponent but wish both the combatants unanimous condolences.

BBC will be broadcasting the event from 4.30am with kick off at 5.08 after opening coverage from Adrian Chiles and Sue Barker.  You can also follow the proceedings on twitter at #twatfight.

Greece Attempts Suicide

by Shaky Parkinson

The current economical situation in the Eurozone seems to have proved too much Greece as earlier today the country decided to take its own life.  Economists were called onto the scene this afternoon and have claimed that 'Strike Action' was said to be the method used in the attempt.

We spoke to George Osborne, "The word on the grapevine is that the money all us sensible countries lent to Greece was apparently too tyrannical.  The methods and restrictions we have put in place to ensure that Greece is still able to feed itself were apparently really mean."

Since the incident Greece has been locked within a stupidity coma that makes communication impossible.  It is hoped Economists and Politicians can somehow bring Greece round but the outlook is bleak, not very good and potentially bad.

"I loved Greece like a son," wept Nicolas Sarkozy, "I work, I toil and for what?  Look at how the world has treated Greece.  Watch it lying helpless and unloved on its own back.  I did everything for it and this is how I am repayed."

The incident has also sparked a number of radical copycats, all hell bent on defaulting this life in the desperate hope of somewhere richer.  "Once that volcano blasts up again we're going to the top and hurling ourselves into the crater," whinged Iceland, "Things are looking pretty grim and we are also running low on cash.  That money we stole from Great Britain didn't even cover the heating bills.  So we've decided this is all for the best."

America toyed with the idea for a few minutes before hearing that the Russians were too enthusiastic about the plans, so unless a double bluff can get the go ahead the threat of more defaulting may be averted.

Economists have said that Greece is in a critical state but even a small union ballot could be enough to send it over the edge.  They were adamant that Greece would recover in time and that they, "Weren't letting go."

"Our thoughts are with the family," stated David Cameron, "They are also with it's wallet.  Let's hope there's a donor card in there."

Positive 0.2% GDP Gets Negative Response

by Shaky Parkinson

The UK's Gross Domestic Product (GDP) grew by 0.2% in the second quarter of this year, claims the Office for National Statistics (ONS).  The news that the economy is improving has caused much anger throughout Westminster none more so than at Labour HQ where Ed Balls was appalled with the figures.

"It's all Osborne's fault," he raged over lunch, "0.2% is a really small number, it's less than one, so it can't possibly be good.  That VAT rise was outrageous, not to mention his damn spending review messing things up.  He has recklessly choked last year's recovery not too mention he looks like a cast off from the Muppet Show."

No one had the heart to tell Mr. Balls that 0.2% of an economy worth hundreds of billions of pounds was still quite a sizable chunk of cash and that even if growth wasn't hitting predicted levels it was still going up.

When asked for a comment George Osborne was happy, "Just because we aren't hitting the predicted targets doesn't mean things aren't on the up.  I once went to a psychic and she said that given time I would look like a real boy.  So you see you can't trust these things."

Nick Pearce of Institute for Public Policy Research (IPPR) was even more wanked off by the statistics.  "If the economy doesn't get back on track I'm right up shit creek.  At this rate we'll only get about 1.2% annual growth and if I want to keep my kneecaps it needs to be at least 2.6%.  That's the last time I gamble on the advice of Mystic Meg," he whimpered from behind the curtains.

"What more do people want?" continued Osborne, "Growth is growth, unemployment is going down and it isn't my fault if people have spent all their disposable income on a third rate athletics competition."

"That is completely unfounded and true," reacted Pearce, "The recession continues to be felt and the UK economy might as well still be in recession, even if it technically isn't."