Eating Meat Deemed Cruel, Legally

by Shaky Parkinson

A bill has today been presented to the House of Commons that if passed will see the banning of all meat consumption in the UK.  There is outcry everywhere with the bill starting widespread conflict and rioting throughout the nation.

"This needs to happen," claims Animal Welfare Campaigner, Mrs. Bacon Stodge, "Animals are being killed and then eaten.  What kind of ancient barbaric ritual are we practicing in this country?  We've found ways to make things taste like meat without actually eating it so this legislation shouldn't change anything, except give Quorn a more verbal airing."

"This is complete balls," claimed Birdseye President Christopher J. Puma, "No one in their right mind is going to give up their meat without a fight.  Although on the other hand these nutbags are in a minority and they always tend to get their way so there is certainly cause for danger.  This would make Clarence Birdseye turn in his grave.  In fact could you stay clear of the deep freeze compartments because that is where he goes to chill out and news like this could really spoil his afterlife."

"I'm sick of these damn veggies," exclaimed butcher, Pat Shat, "All they do is whinge and protest and whinge.  Maybe they would put up a better argument if they had the strength for debate that only a pork rib can provide.  Linda McCartney made them some bloody sausages, what more do they want?  Next they'll have veggie black pudding.  It's a disgrace, that's ours."

Could you say no to that burger?

We spoke to one Out-and-about on the subject, "They may take our lives, but they'll never take our BACOOOOON!!!"

Another had this to say, "You can take my civil liberties, you can take away my right to vote, you can bend me over and fuck me until I'm blue, but there is no way you're taking away my chicken Ragalosh.  That's just the way it is."

When asked if the nationwide rioting due to her proposed legislation is a good thing, Mrs. Stodge replied, "The riots are fine as long as no animals get hurt in the proceedings."  When greeted with the knowledge that human beings are animals too Mrs. Stodge commented, "In some respects the working class are animals, but not biologically dear.  Don't let their barbaric ways and beer guts fool you, they are just like you and eh, your colleagues.  Simply out to kill anything they can eat and this is the thought that sickens me."

When asked to comment about the situation David Cameron sighed, "Please tell me that isn't a serious question?"  Even Ed Miliband had more constructive ways to spend his remaining time in office.  Presumably rearranging his name plate and ordering more stationary.

The Bill is set to pass from the Commons into the House of Lords on Thursday but the resulting clash with steak night is thought to spell doom to proceedings.