Eurozone Head Out West

by Jack 'The Mac' Mack

 

Eurozone crisis talks were interrupted this week for what was described as a "make or break" trip to Las Vegas. 

 

News Guff caught up with Greece President Dr. Karolos Papoulias in Caesar's Palace, "Basically we had no choice," said the visibly perspiring premier, "Germany isn't keen to help, China offers support but no cash so we decided to give it a last shot. I've cashed in what little money the country has left, let the chips fall where they may. Literally, in this case. I'm not worried, as worrying would imply I can lose. Blackjack has been my game for years, I'm wearing my lucky pants, I've said a prayer and I haven't walked under a ladder. I even found a penny this morning, the winning streak has got to continue." 

 

Dismissed as a desperate gamble by some the move was praised by the US Treasurery. A Spokesman said; "Its putting money back into the US economy and although it may seem reckless we have been assured the Europeans are not relying on luck alone. They are all big sports fans and will play the odds like pros. I've been told the Deputy President is on roulette and the Foreign Minister is playing poker. Who says a crisis can't be fun?"

Italian Prime Minister Mario Monti was unavailable for comment as he was yelling; "Run you stupid nag!" at a TV. Spirits were raised when he punched the minister without portfolio, claiming his bad luck was catching and went on to win $1,000.

Greece Attempt Suicide, Again

by Shaky Parkinson (It feels lonely in the office, it's like I'm the only one here)

Greek Prime Minister George Papapapandreou has once again sent his country into turmoil with threats of suicide.  Earlier this week George toyed with his country by issuing an abrupt statement in which he threatened to end Greece's life, "I'll do it, I'll take this referendum and end it all.  Just try me."

Luckily Finance Minister Evangelos Venizelos called his bluff by citing the fact that if a mass suicide was implemented George would be partaking of it alone.  After some baby banter George was later forced to take back the threat and secure assurances that his popular idea was not to be acted upon.

"Fuck the world," raved George, "We don't need them or their fucking lies.  This is Greece.  Fuck off.  We'll do what we want, it got us this far."

"I'm not convinced this plan is a good one," butted in Venizelos, "I've been talking to other countries and as far as they're concerned it seems they are unanimously agreed that living is the best course of action and I agree.  I cannot imagine death would prove beneficial to our global standing so I have urged the country to ignore Papa George's ravings.  If we're lucky he'll take the first sip of the punch when we pretend to go along with his 'vision'".

As things stand Greece's official stance on life is positive but only by a slim majority.  With the upcoming holiday rush it is thought anything as simple as a fight for the last Buzz Lightyear could prove fatal to the populace as a whole.

The decision to stay alive caused a sigh of relief to be heard throughout the global community as no one was really in the mood to clean up the potential mess.

Greece Attempts Suicide

by Shaky Parkinson

The current economical situation in the Eurozone seems to have proved too much Greece as earlier today the country decided to take its own life.  Economists were called onto the scene this afternoon and have claimed that 'Strike Action' was said to be the method used in the attempt.

We spoke to George Osborne, "The word on the grapevine is that the money all us sensible countries lent to Greece was apparently too tyrannical.  The methods and restrictions we have put in place to ensure that Greece is still able to feed itself were apparently really mean."

Since the incident Greece has been locked within a stupidity coma that makes communication impossible.  It is hoped Economists and Politicians can somehow bring Greece round but the outlook is bleak, not very good and potentially bad.

"I loved Greece like a son," wept Nicolas Sarkozy, "I work, I toil and for what?  Look at how the world has treated Greece.  Watch it lying helpless and unloved on its own back.  I did everything for it and this is how I am repayed."

The incident has also sparked a number of radical copycats, all hell bent on defaulting this life in the desperate hope of somewhere richer.  "Once that volcano blasts up again we're going to the top and hurling ourselves into the crater," whinged Iceland, "Things are looking pretty grim and we are also running low on cash.  That money we stole from Great Britain didn't even cover the heating bills.  So we've decided this is all for the best."

America toyed with the idea for a few minutes before hearing that the Russians were too enthusiastic about the plans, so unless a double bluff can get the go ahead the threat of more defaulting may be averted.

Economists have said that Greece is in a critical state but even a small union ballot could be enough to send it over the edge.  They were adamant that Greece would recover in time and that they, "Weren't letting go."

"Our thoughts are with the family," stated David Cameron, "They are also with it's wallet.  Let's hope there's a donor card in there."

Nick Knowles To Save The World

by Shaky Parkinson

Nick Knowles, presenter of the television show DIY S.O.S has been summoned by the United Nations to save the world.  It seems that the global crisis has hit meltdown and the world is in need of a hero.  "It is a desperate move." chimed Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon, "We are simply out of options and are going to have to call in the big guns.  We've been trying to get him for months now but after that bungalow in Aberystwyth we had no choice but to postpone our plans until now."

Knowles, who has gained admiration and devotees with such hard hitting shows as Departure Lounge and City Hospital, was thrilled at the prospect.  "I just want to help.  We'll get the crew sorted and head off ASAP," he stated in a press conference.

The plan is for Knowles to travel around the world passing through some of the biggest political and religious hot spots culminating in a globally televised sermon on Golgotha to bring peace to the Holy Land.  "I'm really looking forward to Greece, Libya and Northern Ireland," Knowles claimed while packing his swimming trunks.

The UN have unanimously backed the plan and feel that if Knowles can knock together a hideous looking bedroom in a few hours a shot at world peace should be easy.  "I can't believe we didn't think of this before," stated Ki-Moon, "I mean the whole thing's a no brainer.  Most people can't knock up a flat pack shelving unit and he's been doing it for twenty one series, plus specials."

The Nick Knowles World Tour is set to depart from Gatwick later on this afternoon and it is expected he can wrap things up by the 27th August just in time to start work on a flat in Wigan.