Campsite Ruined By Mongs

by Shaky Parkinson

St. Paul's new campsite has proven a huge failure with the intended space being taken over by a rabble of mongs.  The campsite was opened a few weeks ago under a new scheme proposed by the Church of England but was quickly over run with smelly beer swigging hippies before the end of the first day.

"I was horrified when we arrived," claimed Tommy Booker, a cash and carry accountant, "I'd booked three nights for me and the family but when we showed up our space had been filled by a half naked drunk man spouting out incorrect political filth.  I've brought up the children with a fairly open mind but the sight of a grown man spitting out the failings of democracy that have been working well for over a thousand years is just too much.  We didn't hang around and I'm disgraced that these fools are aloud outside.  Maybe if we took away the freedom they seem to hate so much we could get away with a bit of state governed killing.  If I want to see stupidity I'll go in there," he fumed pointing to the Cathedral.

Vaguely put.

News Guff tried to track down the leader of the faceless mess but was unable to track down a single soul willing to take responsibility for the protest and our researchers were stumped when they tried to contact the organisation online.

Fortunately we ran into one Protestor who was willing to give us his views on the demonstration. "We're here for the working man," he whinged, "All the politicians have the money and that is wrong, we want some.  Things aren't equal and we want things equal.  Sort of like Communism but like Democracy.  We want equality but as long as everything stays the same right.  It's what we're all about."

When we interviewed a second passionate Fool he had this to say, "If those cunts want a peaceful protest we'll give them one.  This is a free campsite, I'll sleep where I fucking want.  At least I'm not in their bumming God and kids and stuff, what I'm doing is totally rad and cool and you can't arrest us cos' we checked."

Two non-violent protestors
sporting anonymous anarchistic face
masks.

"We never thought things would turn out like this," sighed the Rt Revd. Graeme Knowles, "It was all meant to be taken in good faith but I'm walking around the Cathedral and I'm knee deep in Subway wrappers and shit.  That's not the type of set-up we were aiming for.  We tried being forgiving and people said we were weak, then we decided to get tough and we were being pricks.  Maybe a free Church of England campsite was a silly idea?  Who cares, I'm quitting, there's no way I'm cleaning up this mess."

It is now thought the campsite will stay as it is until the squatters get bored or the cameras find a new focus for attention.  "We don't want another Kowloon Walled City on our hands," claimed David Cameron, "We could always cut off their benefits but that is a risky strategy, these buggers have exploited the weakness's inherent in the Church and Democracy itself, so we may have no other option to turn to Communism and let the Labour Party in.  Shame really, I was doing rather well."