by Shaky Parkinson
Amid rebuffs of independence Cornwall County Council have shocked the country be rallying volunteers to begin construction on the Corn Wall, a planned 300ft undertaking that will stretch from Plymouth to Welcombe and result in the unofficial annexing of Cornwall from the United Kingdom.
Drastic though it may be the new Corn Wall will not be the first of its kind. In 900BC and again 1316AD corn walls were erected along the edge of Britain's 'Corn Belt' that marked the border between Devon and Cornwall and gave rise to the county's name.
"It was a big decision," claimed head of research and development for Cornwall County Council Bernard Rick, "But after many months of peaceful campaigning only to be told our desire for a free Cornwall was 'infantile on a level not even a child would understand' we decided to take matters into our own hands. Although we would like to keep with tradition and build the fortification out of corn the idea isn't feasible or cost effective and so with a modern age comes a modern wall. We have a long way to go yet but we are confident that in time everyone will come to love and support the project as much as our initial bunch of volunteers. "
"I'm not going to stand."
During a press conference this morning Prime Minister David Cameron was asked how he will be handling the matter and whether or not the actions taken by Cornwall were treasonous, "Sensible, no, treasonous, we can but hope. If Cornwall want to play independence for a few days I'm not going to stand in their way but the reality is that their plans are completely unfeasible, ridiculous and infantile on a level not even a child would understand."
He continued, "I mean where will they get the stones? Years of mining have exhausted all their natural resources and if history has shown us anything it's that you cannot build a defensive 300ft barrier out of tin scraps. It's just stupid. However if it comes down to it we'll fight them, no matter how absurd the fight we can't have rogue counties causing mayhem in this manner. A joke's a joke but that's as far as we'll let them take it."
"So."
Native Truro Architect Richard Price (8th Generation) has been asked to oversee the project, "This is the biggest undertaking of its kind and I'm proud to be apart of the project. We not only want the wall to be practical but also aesthetically pleasing, so we plan on using imported British cement for the structure and a beautiful Cornish granite for the facing, thus illustrating the strength and beauty that emblazons the Cornish people themselves."
"I'm simply the first link in a chain that will go on for the 250 years it will take to complete the wall," he furthered, "We're laying the groundwork of independence so that our grandchildren's children's great grandchildren will finally have the privilege of living in a state free from the tyrannical influence of the British Government."
"The family hopped."
News Guff was on site to speak to volunteers such as Samantha Pastry of Cambourne who has given up her time to aid the project, "After we'd heard the news the family hopped straight into the Citroen and we drove up to help. We just had to be apart of this."
"This will really stick it to the man," claimed Edgar Plunk of Wendron.
"FREEDOM!!!" claimed Badger Dennings of Looe.
"Get those crazy fucks."
Support for the Corn Wall has already progressed beyond the confines of the county with Devonshire County Council committing extra workmen to aid in construction, "We just have to get rid of them," claimed Devonshire Councillor Kerry Hill, "It's always independence this and independence that so we've sent in labourers to quicken construction and get those crazy fucks locked away forever. With them gone we can finally give the Devonshire Pasty its deserved placing as the nation's favourite heated snack and finally put Devon on the map."
Support also came from further afield with Norfolk and Shropshire County Councils both in plans to dissociate themselves from British rule. A spokesperson for Norfolk County Council stated, "We are sick of being left behind and if Britain is heading towards a state state then we want to be first in the queue."
"We've witnessed these projects fail."
Walls have been used throughout history as a simple form of segregation but UN Worker David Baulderdash has been quick to criticise the Corn Wall and it's unnecessary instigation, "The wall is only a means to distill a short term conflict and cannot succeed as a long term peaceful goal. Despite what they say people don't like to be separated and we've witnessed these projects fail time and time again. When you think really hard about it, the idea of a Corn Wall is very much retarded."
The feelings of Baulderdash were mirrored by many inhabitants of the Cornish region that resulted in a riot at the workers construction HQ at Launceston. "You don't just go around building walls without good cause," claimed protest organiser Kenneth Gill, "We believe that words and negotiation are what is needed here, so these idiots can fuck off while we burn down their campsite."
"They may think they are keeping everyone else out but really they are locking us all in," claimed fellow activist Gemma Beach, "I've seen the plans and although the granite is a lovely touch the project is simply barmy. I'm all for displays of mass action but as a county there is no reason why we need independence from our neighbours, and we sure as shit don't need a 300ft wall blocking out our most enjoyable asset."
After the riot left three people bruised and eight tents flattened the Territorial Army sent in reserve troops to monitor the scene but with rumours of rain, excessive tea breaks and malcontent circulating, the chaotic diplomatic affairs amongst the Cornish ranks could already spell doom for the plan.
Drastic though it may be the new Corn Wall will not be the first of its kind. In 900BC and again 1316AD corn walls were erected along the edge of Britain's 'Corn Belt' that marked the border between Devon and Cornwall and gave rise to the county's name.
"It was a big decision," claimed head of research and development for Cornwall County Council Bernard Rick, "But after many months of peaceful campaigning only to be told our desire for a free Cornwall was 'infantile on a level not even a child would understand' we decided to take matters into our own hands. Although we would like to keep with tradition and build the fortification out of corn the idea isn't feasible or cost effective and so with a modern age comes a modern wall. We have a long way to go yet but we are confident that in time everyone will come to love and support the project as much as our initial bunch of volunteers. "
"I'm not going to stand."
During a press conference this morning Prime Minister David Cameron was asked how he will be handling the matter and whether or not the actions taken by Cornwall were treasonous, "Sensible, no, treasonous, we can but hope. If Cornwall want to play independence for a few days I'm not going to stand in their way but the reality is that their plans are completely unfeasible, ridiculous and infantile on a level not even a child would understand."
 |
| Artists impression of original 900BC Corn Wall. |
"So."
Native Truro Architect Richard Price (8th Generation) has been asked to oversee the project, "This is the biggest undertaking of its kind and I'm proud to be apart of the project. We not only want the wall to be practical but also aesthetically pleasing, so we plan on using imported British cement for the structure and a beautiful Cornish granite for the facing, thus illustrating the strength and beauty that emblazons the Cornish people themselves."
"I'm simply the first link in a chain that will go on for the 250 years it will take to complete the wall," he furthered, "We're laying the groundwork of independence so that our grandchildren's children's great grandchildren will finally have the privilege of living in a state free from the tyrannical influence of the British Government."
"The family hopped."
News Guff was on site to speak to volunteers such as Samantha Pastry of Cambourne who has given up her time to aid the project, "After we'd heard the news the family hopped straight into the Citroen and we drove up to help. We just had to be apart of this."
"This will really stick it to the man," claimed Edgar Plunk of Wendron.
"FREEDOM!!!" claimed Badger Dennings of Looe.
"Get those crazy fucks."
Support for the Corn Wall has already progressed beyond the confines of the county with Devonshire County Council committing extra workmen to aid in construction, "We just have to get rid of them," claimed Devonshire Councillor Kerry Hill, "It's always independence this and independence that so we've sent in labourers to quicken construction and get those crazy fucks locked away forever. With them gone we can finally give the Devonshire Pasty its deserved placing as the nation's favourite heated snack and finally put Devon on the map."
 |
| Working? The Israeli West Bank Barrier. |
"We've witnessed these projects fail."
Walls have been used throughout history as a simple form of segregation but UN Worker David Baulderdash has been quick to criticise the Corn Wall and it's unnecessary instigation, "The wall is only a means to distill a short term conflict and cannot succeed as a long term peaceful goal. Despite what they say people don't like to be separated and we've witnessed these projects fail time and time again. When you think really hard about it, the idea of a Corn Wall is very much retarded."
The feelings of Baulderdash were mirrored by many inhabitants of the Cornish region that resulted in a riot at the workers construction HQ at Launceston. "You don't just go around building walls without good cause," claimed protest organiser Kenneth Gill, "We believe that words and negotiation are what is needed here, so these idiots can fuck off while we burn down their campsite."
 |
| Construction HQ, Launceston. |
After the riot left three people bruised and eight tents flattened the Territorial Army sent in reserve troops to monitor the scene but with rumours of rain, excessive tea breaks and malcontent circulating, the chaotic diplomatic affairs amongst the Cornish ranks could already spell doom for the plan.
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