Madeleine: 'We Can't Let Go"

Madeleine McCann,
abductamurdered in 2007.

A fresh suspect in the Madeleine McCann disappearance has sent ripples running through Fleet Street with journalists both fearing and hoping for a resolution to this seven year itch.  The information comes amid increasingly agitated feelings towards the story from both a weary public and a tired media who are both looking for a chance to move on.

"Children throughout the Algarve."

Earlier today Portuguese Police released details about a suspect wanted in connection with a number of sexual assaults on children throughout the Algarve between the period of 2004 and 2010 that could theoretically link him with Maddy's abduction.

"We can't let go," claimed News Guff Editor-in-Chief Shaky Parkinson, "This story has gone on long enough and we need closure. The sheer costs of monitoring this story over the years is astronomical. The crews, the flights, the takeout, the astronauts and the hotel bills for our man on the ground are sky rocketing. Hey that's a good one leave it in."

"Back in 2007 everyone on the strip thought that a body would turn up within a fortnight, or they'd at least lock up the parents, but one thing lead to another and we've all been landed with a story that won't end and if today's breakthrough doesn't result in a conviction we could be hearing about this child for decades. Perhaps if we'd got out early we could've limited the damage but the papers were selling and we egged on the hysteria so much that we were duty bound to see it through until the end. Let's just hope it comes sooner rather than never."

"He's good."

Portuguese authorities were led to the lead (he's good) after CCTV footage was unearthed of their previous suspect buying a hammock at the time of the attacks.  Inspector Pratzo of the Royal Portuguese Policing and Dredging Authority (RPPDA) claimed that this new suspect, "Could've been responsible for Maddy's attack, but it really depends on your definition of could've. And attack."

Various eye witness accounts from across Southern Portugal paint a vivid picture of the perp with the Mother of one Victim describing him as, "Clothed. Foreign, but with a good broken grasp of English. White, but black, you know, sort of in the middle. One of those. They had hair, probably eyes and unless they were using a really good prosthetic like in that film, they had four limbs and may or may not have been a man. You can't really tell these days what with all the fashion."

"Sexually assaulted a number."

"It's all very confusing," continued Inspector Pratzo, "After the British press got involved, dubbed us all a bunch of Clouseau's and pedestalled the parents our investigation went up shit creek.  This new suspect is just one in a long line of people we need to talk to in regards to widening our search for further enquiries. That and he also sexually assaulted a number of young British girls that weren't Madeleine McCann."

"Our eye-witness accounts are blurry. From the description of the attackers clothing we could take it that the suspect may have been in the grip of a superhero delusion and have in fact scared away the real attacker before he could abduct the children and landed himself in a hero's twoddle. This could then possibly hypothetically mean that this other suspect could have stolen Maddy. Then again our suspect hasn't committed a crime in over three years which leads us to Believe and this Believe could have been responsible for his significant life change. Although now he has stopped committing crimes it will make it far trickier to catch him and even harder to locate Madeleine's missing corpse body."

Costume worn by possible
superhero 'The Hole'.

"We believe the attacker followed a pattern that involved, breaking, entering and attacking, although he displayed no signs of kidnapping or murder which markedly sets him apart from the McCann incident. In regards to Maddy's abduction beating nothing is what it seems. Quite frankly we've thrown the box out of the window on this one, but it keeps the money coming in."

"Germany and the Netherlands sparking."

In a bid to get the case moving towards a much needed conclusion the press have dubbed the attacker 'Paedo X' and a special episode of Crimewatch has been broadcast in Germany and the Netherlands sparking over 5,000 calls, "Some of which may have been possibly useful," cited Pratzo, "although that depends very heavily on your definition of useful."

Shaky Parkinson was vocal on the subject, "It's all trumped up gibberish. I blame the myself and the shareholders, they're usually at fault. I mean bloody hell, the poor child's spent more of her life as a news item than she has living it. I wonder what her royalties are worth? Surely we can all move on and pass this dreadful story onto the film companies, the press has done its turn."

Maddy's possible maker's.

"If things don't end soon, we'll be forced into a tricky situation. Personally I'm thinking of taking it down the Satanic route, inject a bit of vim into the mix. Bring in some slutty vampires or something. Yes, I like that. I'll take another glance at the brainstorming chart but let's face it, we're onto something. Either that or we'll just drum up a hate campaign and blame the parents. Let's face it, they're as guilty as sin. Not my words."

"New lead will take us somewhere."

When asked to comment on the news Gerry McCann stated, "Maddy's alive and all that and the fund has done a lot, the windows, the kitchen, the patio and you should see our games room. We just hope this new lead will take us somewhere. You know I'm constantly under suspicion and these accusations can be hurtful so I just ignore these people. I'm very neglectful."

Closer Cheats On Heat with OK! Reports Guff

News Guff sources can exclusively reveal that a leisurely boat trip in Plymouth Harbour was the scene for a secret rendezvous between Closer and OK! Magazine.  It seems with Heat taking a far flung break around the Pacific the two were free to indulge in a bit of fraternizing under the covers.

Our sources were unclear as to the details but the two were seen making a mockery of their absent friend by getting extremely steamy in the hot tub.  With the pit sweat pics of Cheryl Cole proving to be a bigger hurdle in the Heat/Closer relationship than previously thought, who knows if this is the end for the popular pair?

"Start to Lay."

"I'm not surprised the two have bedded down together," claimed Cosmopolitan, "They've always been friendly and with Heat out of the picture the two can really start to lay the foundations of a real relationship."

"OK! is such a bitch," claimed an irate Marie Claire, "All she wants is a juicy story and doesn't care whose expected profit percentages she hurts.  I cannot bear to read another paragraph."

Outraged Marie Claire!

Onlookers were said to be appalled by the display, dubbing the scandal an 'Attention bid' and 'A popularity fizzle'.  "They were obviously aware of the cameras," claimed a photographer for Grazia, "I've done a lot of publicity in my time and after the first few waves you start to cotton onto the bigger picture.  In the end they only care what the readers think, because once they loose their standing it's all over."


"In a press."

In response Heat was seen boarding a plane home from the Tropics, although in a press statement her CEO claimed that it was, "A routine flight and Heat is returning home after a catching a cold."

Experts are saying that this event could spark a story so big it'll make Jen and Brad's divorce look like a lover's tiff and we all wait with baited breath and mixed reviews as to the outcome.

Internal Memo: News Guff Spring Holiday Checklist

To All Staff,

I've just gotten off the blower with my agent and he's booked us a cracking two week cruise around the mid-Atlantic, booze included but we'll have to bring our own loo roll.  The boat leaves Portsmouth at a prompt 2pm so I expect you there no later than half-past.  Below is a checklist of things to sort in the office before we go and bon voyage.

- Take up the rubbish.
- Call the asbestos guy.
- Call the asbestos asbestos guy.
- Renew all passports (I'm not spending another week in an Icelandic jail, the reception was cold).
- Turn off the cheese toastie machine.
- Probably best to turn everything off except the calendars.
- Wash the dog, at least he won't be too bad to clean when we get back.
- Feed the pigeons, tuppence a bag.
- Go to print.
- Locate my alarm clock, I'm sick of missing shuffleboard.
- Sort out Robbins' prescription, the pharmacy on board will be light at best and I don't want another Gibralta incident.
- Call the asbestos guy.
- Re-frost the freezer.  We all know the tradition but frankly I seem to be the only one who cares.  The man died for Christ's Sake!
- Call the asbestos guy.

Happy sailing,

Shaky P.


P.S. Robbins, if you get a chance take that damn leopard print bikini out of Jack's bag and burn it otherwise it'll be you who has to get him out of the brig.  I'm still going through the motions from our '96 fishing trip to Utah so if anything goes wrong it's your turn to sort it out.  That's why I'm making you his travel buddy so don't let him out of your sight even for a minute.  And yes that even means when he's on the shitter, you know what he's like.

Inebriated News Guff Editor Cannot operate Keyboard

by Shaky Parkinson (That's me bitches)

Archive image

Journalist and all round arse Shaky P has expectantly delved the depths of online depravity to d o something.  Bad intro wait.  After a night out with the star (Banter, this, baby( renowned fool Shaky Parkinson has managed to successfully get himself home to write this article.

After an all attack with the sniffer dogs and the mongs at the nobgoblin in which the EDitor in Cheif suffered numerous blows to his sobreity and expectations of humanity he was let loose on the public to sigh and mourn their loss as a species.

When asked for a comment I had this to say, "When the wind blows and the moon tides, let peace be your symbol and this staement be your fool. "

Asked to elaborate I was forced to come up with, "The darkness reigned, in the forest deep where the wolves cry of sadness and th e thoughts of the groove can be marred with bad intention and why the fuck am I listneing to the Gloomy Galleon theme from Donkey Kong 64.  Eerie stuff.  ON THIS DAY BEHOLD.  FOR BEHOLDING IS PROBABLY A WORTHWHILE BUSINESS AND SUCH.  The caps lock was intentional."

Archive image, camera was buried
underdeath tv so make do

It seems the perveyor of wit has come up trumps and forgotten any such witty dialogue as his once active imagination was able to prcess.  He is now left with tiredness, shame and confusion, although a spellcheck free article is a blessing in disguise.  The fake glasses and moustache aren't fooling anybody.

"I'm sure this coul've been better," shrieked Shakiy from within his own subdued concious, "This joke is good but the execution is pants," he typed, "Stop fucking things up hands, make with the funny and all that."

It is thought that although crtical (my god this spelling might cost me the whole joke (and yes I've had to change a fair bit))SHaky will rapidly recover after a bit of nap and some good thiking, although it is this reporters opinion that upon rereading this mound of shite the lack of coherent thought and correct spelling will cause him much aggrivation.  Let's hope this joke is readable.

Staff Memo: News Guff Annual Winter Picnic

Dear Staff,

Thanks for coming out to the Staff do, it was one of the best we've had.  I'm not sure the Foie Gras Trifle was necessary Robbins but the thought was much appreciated even if the response was highly insincere.  Sorry about the barbecue but once it got going the steel frame did heat up well and really lent itself to some good cooking and that home made Brandy you brought acted as cracking lighter fuel Jack.

It's a shame the weather wasn't better but once the sun went in things did pick up as you well know what with being there and all.  I have to say that Mr. Collins was an absolute delight and I'm sure he'll make you very happy Jack.  And you were right, he does look like Richard Bacon, it is always good to find an account with a bit of humour.

Enough of that, the main reason for the memo is to give you a quick run down of the damages to the park.  It comes out at an even three grand so I thought we'd go quids in and split it between the three of us.  Although being the main perpetrator of the vandalism I am happy to cover a larger share what with it being subscription month.  I'm sure the News Guff Meerkat is dead by now what with Robbins' contribution to the Lion conservation fund but I just don't have the heart to send back the monthly brochures.

I babble, the damages are as follows:

- One picnic table (Clearly a joint effort).
- Three Dutch Elms (Pricy fuel but incredibly effective).
- One floral display (Although are rearrangement was far superior if I do say so myself).
- A further Dutch Elm (Less said about that the better).
- One Warden's hut (I'll query that one).
- A set of playground swings (Kudos on the 1080).
- Five to thirty bottles of lighter fuel (I lost count).
- Seventeen vacuum cleaners.
- One Vacuum shop manager (We get billed if he isn't found by the seventeenth).
- Two police horses.
- A ceremonial Gavel from the Pickerton wine tasting society.
- A further two Dutch Elms (I get the impression they were following us).
- A replacement pair of flip flops (I have no recollection of the suggestion to attempt the tidal crossing so we're all chipping in).
- A further two Dutch Elms (The more said about that the better).
- Two sets of post-its, one stationary cupboard and a set of unbreakable pens.
- One complete set of patio chairs.
- The front gate of 47 Williamson Drive (I know he deserves it but the bugger is a Judge).
- And three snazzy bakers aprons from the Gregg's factory (They cannot actually prove this one and if we are all in favour of installing them as our official uniform then enough said)

I think that covers it.  I'll take the limo costs out of the petty cash and look forward to seeing you for the Christmas Bash next June.

Champion

Shaky

The Weeks Gossip From Perth

by Shaky Parkinson

Last weeks Commonwealth Summit saw 54 heads of state convene in Perth for a bit of a get together.  News Guff's man on the beach, Shaky Parkinson, was there to cover the event.

This gathering of politicians was set to change the face of thinking and get some stuff sorted out and from my detailed research I can safely say that the summit's biggest impact was made in the pudding section of the buffet cart.  And who can blame them, the food was top notch, the service second to none and that cute little blonde number serving the crabs was nothing but a vision.

I also heard rumours that Barbados and the Maldives spent a few interesting moments in the chalet and the Queen had a wonderful time pretending to be interested in her irritatingly numerous subjects.  Sri Lanka's Uncle was also let loose on the bar after slipping free of his health care worker and spent a pleasant week harassing the local talent and getting plastered on gin.  Iain Duncan Smith was also seem practising his dive bombing in the pool and by Friday had gotten it down to a fine art, being able to splash the Solomon Islands with deceptive ease.  I think they would have been more upset if they'd been conscious but they don't get away from the wives to often and the tequila blammer's really took their toll.

As usual the annual twister contest was won by Pakistan but the trophy giving hit new heights of hilarity when India got jealous and botched an attempt at sabotage that resulted in Ghana's Nan getting a full tank in the face from a Super Soaker 2100v.

On the downside someone who has yet to be identified left one mean smelling creation in the lads' toilets and by all accounts the finger is being pointed at you Tuvalu.  Maybe you do things differently out there on the Pacific Rim but there is no excuse for that kind of activity being present at such a significant political get together.  Cameroon's Mum was almost sick and once the smell got sucked into the vents the buffet had to be postponed for the afternoon.  Maybe you did it, maybe you didn't but Trinidad and Tobago were playing hide and seek when they saw you leave the restroom and you know well enough that they can't lie.

Right, it's been a hectic week and Shaky needs him some beauty sleep.  Front side down, after sun on.  Bingo.

"It's Nice To Sir You, Sir You, Nice!"

by Shaky Parkinson

After a ropey headline News Guff has decided to push ahead with its coverage of Sir Bruce Forsyth's Knighthood.  The announcement of this impending pun came way back during June in the Queen's Birthday Honours List.  Since then Brucey has been tapping his heels to the beat of life and generally feeling pretty fantastic.  "I'm very proud my career hasn't been in vain," he was overheard quoting, "And I'd like to big up the press for supporting me all the way and making today possible.  Keep it real fuckers."

Below is a transcript taken from News Guff's live radio coverage of the event.

"Here comes Brucey.  Oh, I do like that wiggle, very stylish.  Classic, subtle and very sexy.  He's going down on one knee.  Don't worry folks he's not proposing, although you'd be hard press to say no.  There's the sword.  Beautifully handed by Her Majesty.  That's how it should be done.  I think the decision to leave off the full armour and shield combo was probably a good move.  Watch the toupee, watch the toupee!  She's good.  Superb.  Superb.  You can hear the applause ringing out through the palace.  I've seen a fair few Knightings in my time but this is really quite spectacular.  The shoulder placement was just so natural.  God, don't we love the Queen?  Wait.  Wait. What's this?  She's leaning in, maybe she's accepting after all.  I can't quite make that out.  I think the Queen is saying, wait.  Lovely to Sir you, Sir you, nice.


Oooooooooh, they don't like that.  Listen to that silence.  Brucey is not happy.  He's smiling but he's not happy.  Not happy at all.  That's a sour face if ever I've seen one.  Proof that bad humour can ruin even the most special moment.  I think that's the last of the clapping we'll be hearing today.  Such a sad sight.  If you've just joined us you're listening to the 2011 Queen's Birthday Honours List Awards."

Amongst the other recipients were fashion designer Celia Birtwell and author Julia Donaldson whose contributions to literature don't do much in furthering the notion of credibility.  It is hoped that Donaldson's MBE will help lower the bar and aid Katy Price and Kerry Katona in their respective bids for the Queen's next birthday.

Internal Memo: FAO: Mr. Mack

Dear 'The Mac',

That's it Jack, you are officially barred from using the staff fridge.  Not only did I find half a Wellington boot lodged firmly into my custard slice but your flagrant disregard for the Marmite policy is proving troublesome.  It's a two to one thing so stop bringing that muck into our canteen.

Not too mention the down right disturbing site of having a cuddly toy staring at me from the top shelf.   If I have to sit through another snack time with the phrase, 'Mr. Cuddles, Protector of the Universe' ingrained on my retinas one more time, I'll kick his ass.

THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!!! NO MARMITE IN THE FRIDGE!!! 

On a side note your current lack of written material is just plain irritating yet your expense claim for the beach house in Malibu is a site for sore eyes.  We agreed to only abuse the expenses up to a £750,000 limit and now there isn't any cash left to pay off my hooker bill.  If you're going to start skimming cash from the Bosses then you have to let us all know so we can join in.  I hate to sound like the twatty kid at the party but unless you set Robbins and me up with a time-share then we'll have no choice to turn to arson.  It's in the staff handbook so stop fannying about.

And if you've finished with it I need my copy of Bambi back, I'm feeling down and need a pick me up.

Cheers

Shaky

American Woman To Sue Over Fart

by Shaky Parkinson

Rufus Loose, a shop clerk from Chicago, will appear in court today after being sued by a fellow bus passenger over an alleged fart he released into her vicinity during a trip on the 146 Red Line Circuit.

Ms. Laurie Sniffs has triggered the lawsuit after she inadvertently partook of the noxious excretion on her way home from work.  "I was disgusted, one minute I was looking forward to a roast chicken dinner then my life was flipped into chaos," she sobbed in court, "This event has triggered deep emotional scarring, traumatic tendencies and whiplash."

Ms. Sniffs' Lawyer, Gary Exploit of Opportunistic and Sons Ltd, is thrilled with how today's trial turned out.  "It's early days but we have got him on the runs, that slippery bastard is not going to get away with this.  I want this silent and deadly issue to brought to the forefront of public knowledge.  We can't have people going around letting one slip on public transport." he yelled at a press conference.

Rufus sheepishly took the stand earlier on claiming, "It just slipped out."  He went onto attack Ms. Sniffs of talking 'hot air' and being an inconsiderate passenger, "I couldn't help it, I had explosive diarrhea and was really holding back the flood gates, your lucky all you got was an eggy whiff."

The trial went into recess this afternoon with the coming of new evidence by a fellow Passenger that may prove Ms. Sniffs was indeed, "Talking really really loudly into her iPhone that had Willow Smiths' 'Whip My Hair' as its ringtone."  Mr. Loose's Lawyers claimed that if the evidence is indeed tangible we will be counter suing as, "Loud phone conversations are likely to cause irritation, anger and whiplash, something that my client has been afflicted with since the incident."

While rumours of a counter suing were in full force Ms. Sniffs' Lawyers came back with a counter counter lawsuit claiming that Mr. Loose's shopping was, "Taking up an extra seat and if she had been pregnant there would have been nowhere for her to sit."

In a radical move Ms. Sniffs' Lawyers also issued the Judge with a mandate for, "Not taking the case seriously."  When asked for a comment Ms. Sniffs said she was suffering from too much whiplash and trauma to answer any questions.

The case is set to spiral out of control when the Driver came forward claiming, "No one said thank you when alighting from the bus," but was in turn counter sued when allegations of his missing a stop, "Causing Ms. Old Lady Wilkins to get off 800 metres down the road instead of outside her house."

The outcome of the multiple lawsuits will indeed take months if not years to seep through the Courts who are hoping that a, "Fair settlement and implementation of justice can prevail."

Editorial: The Guff Has Been Released

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