Shark Deaths Number 100 Million A Year

by Shaky Parkinson

Statistics released today show that man's battle with nature has hit an all time high with upwards of 100 million sharks estimated to have been killed in the last 12 months.  The government is said to be  'Happy' with the increase after last years G8 summit pledged $17billion towards the fight for less scary oceans and fear free swimming.

"Myself and the other members of the G8 decided that the shark menace is one we couldn't ignore any longer," quoted Barrack Obama from Camp David last May, "With their dark beady eyes, sharp teeth and ravenous bloodlust we have act now if we ever want to rid the globe of this terrible threat to human safety."

"We still have our work."

Wallet bagging his first kill in 1981.

"We're ecstatic," claimed Dr. Ken Wallet of F.I.S.H. (Florida Institute for Shark Hunting), "This funding has not only allowed us to further a physical presence upon the seas but has given us the chance to pursue much needed research into this creatures mating habits because the way these buggers fuck means we still have our work cut out if we are ever going to get the surfing holiday we all want."

Chinese commercial fishing subsidiaries are said to have proven highly effective since their creation in June with the Chinese coast already showing exhaustion of major fishing locations.  "Francois Hollande and myself have been campaigning to incorporate China into the G8 for sometime," claimed Prime Minister David Cameron, "And the way in which they've thrown themselves into this cause is very encouraging.  They're sterling work is leading the way towards the extinction of humanity's scariest foe and their skill is only complimented by their professionalism with the cute way in which they ritualistically eat the fin from every shark they kill as a mark of respect. Adorable."

"Their limbs are safe."

OMFG!!!

"What good is a blue flag beach when the sea is infested with sharks?" claimed Tourism Minister Burt Beach, "This fish is scaring away our tourist trade and leaving our seaside's to rot in the rain.  Surely the loss of one globally disliked creature is comparable to a world where people can live in ignorance knowing that their limbs are safe from unruly predators?  Isn't that the human approach?"

Wallet continued, "Forty years ago we knew next to nothing about sharks, and if Steven Spielberg had not enlightened the world to their ways with his legendary documentary we would still be stuck in the board room discussing what to do.  His foresight gave us the time to prepare and adapt to the creature's environment so that today we can finally begin to reap the benefits of decades worth of planning."

"World specialists out of work."

Despite numerous animal rights and environmental activists forcing localised bans and litigation onto many aspects of the killing process it hasn't deterred Governments from pushing forward with their plans.  "The shark is a magnificent creature, not only will the endangering of this species put tens of oceanographers and Sea World specialists out of work but it will ruin what should be a natural fear of the ocean," claimed Cathy Newman of F.I.S.H (Friends to Investigate Shark Harassment), "Without sharks to keep them in check as the prime predator of the ocean we predict that a race of Super Crabs will rise to take their place with even more disastrous consequences for the human population and we refuse to let this become a reality."

Children at a Shark Seminar in Perth.

These concerns were swiftly swept aside when the news broke of a shark attack on 17 year old James Talward who had his tattoo disfigured while surfing off the Durban coast.  During a press conference earlier this morning the shaken youth commented, "I'd swum out past the safety nets to catch the morning break and before I knew it my Sharky and George tattoo was being agonisingly chewed up by a baby Dwarf Lantern.  It wasn't until I flicked him off that I realised the damage he'd done.  No amount of hospital bills or re-touching will prevent me being ostracised and ridiculed for my damaged ink."

In the wake of the attack the world's Governments issued joint statements claiming that their shark hunting initiatives and subsidiaries will continue as promised leaving us to ponder whether the answer to the age old question, what is yellow and dangerous is in fact a Chinese fishing trawler.

"Sharks Are Dangerous", says Dead Swimmer

by Shaky Parkinson

Ian Redmond an IT Specialist from 'p North was viciously mauled to death by a Shark whilst on his honeymoon in the Seychelles.  "What a crock of toss," Redmond communicated through the resort's medium, "I finally pop the question after nine years and this is the result.  I should've listened to my mistress and not rushed into things."

Redmond is the second victim in as many weeks to fall prey to the bastard fish mammal but the Seychelles' Tourism Board says there is no need to panic.  "There is no need to panic," said Beach Patrol Officer Martin Brody (not that one), as he rigged up a 'Beach closed' sign.

"I'm very upset," claimed Mrs. Redmond, "Ian's death has left a gaping hole in my heart that will never be filled.  Everything's a mess. I'm all over the place," to which her husband replied, "Have a bit of tact dear.  I'm bobbin' around in the form of a shark's floater while she gets to finish up the honeymoon and return home to a fully paid mortgage. Cow."

Despite being 'Shark death free since 1963', the Tourism Board have been inundated with a phone call about the attack but have yet to catch to the rogue killer.  "This is a freak accident involving a foreign shark and we are completely blameless.  As yet we don't govern or have a controlling stake in 'the sea'."  "It's fucking sick!!!" claimed one crimsoned skinned Sunbather, "Knowing there is a perverted cannibal on the loose makes my skin crawl."

In a shock turn of events the Shark claimed, "RRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHRRRRRR!!!"  Leading Shark vocalist, Frankie Fin has translated the statement that reads, "Please leave me alone, my doctor was just saying I should leave the house more and now this, it really adds credence to my agoraphobia."

When asked why he was dumb enough to go jolly footing it around in a shark infested ocean Mr. Redmond replied, "The fish were pretty and I had to get away from the misses.  Besides you don't think it'll happen to you.  What are the odds?"  Ian Redmond's local village is in mourning for the deceased moron and the holiday resort will be holding a one minute dip in the pool in his memory.

Steven Spielberg was reportedly spotted near the scene looking shifty.