90% Of Other Eye Drops Miss

by Shaky Parkinson (in association with Pink Eye, the number one cuddly treatment for blotched eyes)

Dr. Robert Hall and Professor Arthur Oates have today published the results of their fifteen-year study into the rate of eye-drop wastage in the United Kingdom.  The paper, dubbed 'Private Eyes' is being held as startling and revolutionary by the pharmaceutical industry and could change the way we use eye-drops in the future.

"Over fifteen thousand tonnes of eye-drops were used in the experiment and our results are so close," beamed Hall.  "It's great being able to do what you want, be who you are and make a difference," chimed Oates.

"Pink Eye is radical!"

"If there were any other leading brands I could say so, but because Pink Eye is radical and efficient, a promise ain't enough and you have our word that when running from paradise you'll have one on one vision that won't disappoint," claimed Pink Executive Sara Smile.

Despite large amounts of praise some groups are unhappy with the research.  Optician Ralph Lense was quick to voice his opinion, "Ignore that Sara Smile she's just a maneater, all she's interested in is possession, obsession and downtown life.  Quite frankly this research is nothing new.  Just because you put something to paper doesn't mean the idea and knowledge wasn't everywhere I look.  I feel this is a missed opportunity in adult education where instead of blaming people for inadvertently squandering their medicine we can let love take control and help people to eliminate eye disease."

Man demonstrates how not to
use eye drops.

The report claims that up to, around and even exceeding 18billion drops are missed each year, which accounts for up to, around and even exceeding 90% of all drops dropped in a given year and that shows people are very much out of touch with their droppings.

"Secretary Andrew."

"We've been talking all night and have decided to instigate a nationwide program that will inform and educate the general public on the application of eye drops to bring us back together again to a place where such vast amounts of costly medicine aren't being wasted," cited Health Secretary Andrew Lansley.

Even still the problems facing the eye-drop user continue to wreak havoc on the nation.  "Their has to be a more efficient way of relieving eye pain," stated florist Peter Potter, "Romeo is bleeding out the back and I've had to throw the roses away.  This problem effects us all as a nation, the statistics might be true but they aren't providing a solution and I can't go for that, no can do.  I'm not a rich girl who can nip off to a clinic for some laser treatment, something needs to be done.  That's why I've started using Pink Eye, it's the first kiss on my list when I think of eye strain, now I can drive my getaway car, I mean florist van without any jingle bell rock."

Other comments from eye-drop users shed a different opinion on their usage, such as one statement from an Anonymous Jerk.  "I'm just a family man who likes Italian girls.  It's uncanny, I'm a man on a mission and that mission was my droppings.  I was unsure at first but I did it in a minute with the portable radio playing in the background.  It's easy, just hold onto yourself and squeeze, it's a laugh, but then again who said the world was fair?

Use Pink Eye to avoid
demon spawn.

"Things are a bugger."

"I don't care what people say," claimed an Irate Citizen, "The reason for this vast wastage is that these things are a bugger to operate.  You either get a soggy eyelash or miniature drowning.  I say deal with it and if that doesn't work use the method of modern love and get an eye patch."

Despite today's research it is thought that any change in current eye-drop design will take years to implement and although some things are better left unsaid the possibility of gels, creams and even transplants are all potential possibilities that have been put forward by the medical community in its fight against eye-drop wastage.

So if you've lost that lovin' feeling and everything your heart desires.  If you feel out of touch (remix) and the sky is falling, say it isn't so because I'll be around to help.  Pink Eye, forever for you.