Puff Piece Found Dead In Tree

by Shaky Parkinson

Crime scene.

After a six month search the body of missing news icon 'The Puff Piece' was found stuck up a tree on Clapham Common in the early hours of this morning.  Police have said they are shocked at the discovery but are happy that their arduous search has finally resolved itself in a moderately positive way.

"Stabbed."

Although a time of death has yet to be established forensic specialists have revealed that the body had been brutally stabbed, raped, mugged, beaten, drugged, shot, stabbed, burnt, stripped, embezzled, defrauded, bullied, violated, stabbed, abused, divorced, paedophiled, sued, excommunicated, tortured and photographed for internet distribution.

"It didn't help the breakfast go down," claimed William Felt who discovered the body while out jogging in the early hours, "I was nipping back home through the woods when I saw something moving in the trees.  It wasn't until I got closer that I saw a cat pawing over something hidden in the branches.  So I called the fire brigade and they brought down what was left of the body.  I've never been so dismayed and relieved in all my life.  I mean what's the world coming to?"

The victim's family are saddened by the loss but in a statement claimed, "It was a long time coming and we are simply glad that the torment is over.  The incident has come as a big shock to us but we've got a new fridge freezer on the way so it's not all bad news."

"Knives."

Scotland Yard have launched an investigation into the attack and with the use of intelligence reports and CCTV footage have issued a profile of what is believed to be a vicious gang of badly dressed media types armed with bulging wallets, knives, pessimistic viewpoints and vast amounts of audience research data.  Police are warning the public to stay clear of the gang and are appealing for witnesses to come forward and aid in the investigation.

And in lighter news...

Investigation Launched Into 1970's Policing

by Shaky Parkinson

Scotland Yard's squeaky clean reputation has fallen into disrepute after a number of television personalities have come forward claiming that the Metropolitan Police are guilty of systematic abuse dating back as far as the 1970's.

"Men as old as 87."

The bubble of lies finally burst when an independent commission was set up to investigate confessions made by broadcaster Stuart Hall about how the police systematically preyed on the weak and vulnerable wallets of men as old as 87 throughout the television industry for over four decades.

In a statement earlier this morning Hall claimed, "We were powerless, they knew how to isolate us and shame you into their way of thinking.  It's not like you could go to the police or seek help elsewhere and so you just end up going along with what they want.  It makes you feel sick, sick and hopeless.  I'm just happy that this is all coming out in the open."

"Indecent money."

Officials were seen leaving Scotland yard with boxes containing thousands of indecent money bands along with numerous cigar ends and used whisky glasses that under examination will hopefully contain invaluable DNA evidence to ratify the claims.  Yet the question of how have these crimes went unpunished for so long is still one that needs answering.

"By all appearances Scotland Yard was the beacon of trust and honesty," claimed Commission Head Gerald Printer, "No one had a bad word to say about it and the nation was fully content to support and encourage it."

Stuart Hall outside Preston
Crown Court.

"Maybe a few years ago the shock at the recent findings would have been markedly less ravenous," he continued,  "But with today's falling social standards and unforced media economy the British public are ready to enact their viciousness for almost anything. Even so it is a terrible thing to watch such a long serving member of the United Kingdom being brought into disrepute. As always our thoughts are with the victims families and we hope that our investigation can uncover any and all hidden secrets and establish the true nature of these crimes."

"And stalking as well."

Further information was released about an alleged secret 'Vice Squad' that were unofficially tasked with carrying out the alleged offences that range from bullying, blackmailing and stalking as well as both physical and mental assault.

A spokesman for The Sun newspaper claimed, "We've been furthering this cause for years now and it seems we're doing a damn sight better job than those sickos back in the 70's.  All they've done is let these predators run around unchecked and it is up to The Sun to sell the public some justice."

Despite the investigation still being in its early stages families of the prospective victims are already setting up their bank accounts for a potential boost in assets and it is hoped that the necessary castrations and resignations will be carried out on live television in the coming weeks.

Miracle Cow Pig Hybrid Cures World Pessimism

by Shaky Parkinson

Pow (Artist Impression)

Scientists at Oxford University have claimed that they have cured world hunger in the most miraculous and tasty way possible.  The sudden discovery of a new cow pig hybrid in the Dean's private garden is being hailed by all as the second coming.

"This event cannot be measured in any feasible terms and even the phrase 'Epic' is a woeful understatement," beamed University Professor Dungus Fluff, "After we'd carried out the preliminary scientific necessities such as measuring it and giving it a name we were quick to get 'Pow' onto the barbecue for the taste test.  Luckily we were holding the monthly staff party and it is just wandered out of the shrubbery, if this isn't proof to back up the existence of God then we might as well quit now."

"We'll be able to cure."

"If you think you've tasted heaven then be prepared to question your beliefs because this shit is the bomb," slobbered Humanitarian Professor Charlie Eats, "It tastes like steak, pork, gammon and ribs all in one incredible mouthful with a bacony aftertaste that carries you through until the next bite.  They even have inbuilt suicidal tendencies and an innate ugliness that lends them easy butchering.  And it doesn't stop there; these fuckers just keep jumping out of the bushes so we're pretty confident that we'll be able to cure world hunger in a matter of weeks.  What a fucking win!"

Priests of all religions were quick to praise the miracle with the Pope declaring, "God has risen again and this time his followers will be so full of belief the world will soon be plunged into a tasty universal enlightenment."

Miracle garden.

"God works in mysterious ways," munched Archbishop Anders Plaff, "And if he sees fit to return to earth in the form of a cow pig chicken amalgamation thing who are we to question his designs?"

"Out of one fucking."

As is the human races usual want conflict was quick to muster with thousands of television chefs coming together to protest the miracle.  "This will fucking ruin us," fumed Gordon Ramsey, "How many recipes do you think we can milk out of one fucking animal especially when it tastes so fucking excellent?  This could be the end to contemporary food as we know it.  Think about Heston what the hell is that fucker going to do now people's diets will be so satisfyingly limited, there's only so much you can do with herpes cream."

Oxford University were quick to ease the situation by saying that a recipe book arrived stuck to one of the cows that featured over seventeen million different recipes for the new creature that swiftly killed the protest until the Vegetarians got wind of the story and began marching feebly on London."

The Government was quick to dispel the protests with impromptu feeding stations that were able to turn the most dedicated Vegetarians against their beliefs in acceptance of the one true Pow.  A breakaway sect of Vegetarianism merged with some renegade Vegans in a desperate bid to combat the change but with farmer's now on a well-deserved permanent vacation it is thought that the rebellion will soon die out.  "With all the chicken's being freed and the Vegan's limited berry knowledge and unsuitability to apple theft we are pretty confident they'll come to accept the new world in time," claimed Old McDonald.

"Hitting the village for a rape."

Warlord E. Vilevil celebrating
the coming of the Pow.

"Now that we have all the food we want I'm just a bit too full to indulge my blood lust," claimed African Warlord E. Vilevil, "The lads are happy so we're going to shelve the guns and catch up on Desperate Housewives instead of hitting the village for a rape."

Questions as to the creatures origin were being asked by the strongest atheists the Internet had to offer so News Guff gave the benefit of the doubt to Particle Physicist Edmund Spat of Cambridge University, "What we have here is an inter-dimensional tear in the space time continuum that is seeing an alien race being transported through time and space into the Dean's garden at Oxford University.  For all we know we're munching our way through the population of Venus without a care for the consequences.  With this theory I think we can adequately dispel the ludicrous notion of miracles.  Next they'll be saying that those dogs over at Oxford are the saviours of the world."

"Spat was unable."

With the complete global dynamic in change for the better, Oxford University is being hailed as the Saviour of the World and its entire faculty is being honoured with knighthoods for services to peace and prosperity.  When asked for a second quote Spat was unable for comment, although the Cambridgeshire Police claim to have seen a man of similar description lying under a thunder struck piano in Cambridge City Centre with the word 'Coincidence' written on his T-Shirt.

When asked for a quote to sum up today's events God had this to say, "If this doesn't get the idea across then I'm heading off to Fiji for an early retirement."

Either way this period of global unity is set to continue into the next millennium or to the point when Pow's are eaten into extinction but seeing as that is an uncertainty the world is enjoying its longest period of peace in like forever.

New Weather Controlling App Prone To Glitches

by Shaky Parkinson

Last week saw the release of the Apple Store's long awaited Weather App.  Users of the app are given complete control of their surrounding environment through a user friendly interface.  Despite huge success the new app has come fully equipped with numerous glitches that have left authorities and meteorologists inundated with reports of bizarre weather patterns and shocking incidents.

The problems were first noted minutes after the app went live with several freak hurricanes instantly hitting Hull town centre while further north the Outer Hebrides experienced soaring temperatures that were completely uncharacteristic of the spring months.

"I'd forgotten what it felt like."

"It's a bloody marvel," claimed tweed worker Angus McMac, "What with the rising ferry costs I've been stuck on this fucking island for almost a decade and I've had to endure storms the likes of which most people can only imagine, but this new app has changed all that.  I'd forgotten what it felt like to be warm."

Other users haven't been so lucky with Skye receiving mixed blessings when their Internet connection was lost after their plans for an early summer burnt through the islands telephone cables.  "It could be months before it's fixed," claimed a BT Engineer, "There's over fifty meters of cabling that needs checking as well as parts and some other stuff.  They'll just have to live without the weather for a few months."

Touch screen interface lets you
swirl up your own typhoons.

"It's outrageous," claimed Dunvegan resident Duff McAngus, "We can't go without this new app.  It's been with us too long to switch back to past times, we cannot cope.  It isn't natural."

"Overground trains have become common place."

Problems have been reported from around the globe.  The epicentres of which are dense urban areas such as Hong Kong, Tokyo and London.  Reports of mass drownings on Japanese overground trains have become common place and on street glitching has lead to several deaths in the British Capital alone.

"It was horrific," claimed bystander Joe Bloggs, "You could see it happening but it was too late to change it.  These two business woman were strolling down Tottenham Court Road with their faces buried in their iPhones surrounded by a refreshing breeze, when they collided causing a miniature hurricane that took out three historic buildings, eighteen pedestrians and the new underground development.  There were body parts everywhere and the whole place was in chaos.  It makes you think doesn't it?"

The Northwest Territories were witness to freak bouts of weather upsets that saw rain, sleet, fog, sunshine, frogs, snow and tropical thunderstorms afflicting many towns in a matter of minutes.

Chaos in Manhatten after people
rally against a hose pipe ban.

"Nature just can't handle this sort of usage," cited Meteorologist David Wind, "If people can't use their powers for the greater good then we are as good as fucked.  We advise anyone who has absolutely no trust in smart-phones or their users to flee into the hills as quickly as possible."

"Patio furniture might be selling."

Industry has been the hardest hit with farmer's claiming massive crop yields and simultaneous harvest failures over many fields while the travel and holiday industry have been virtually wiped out overnight.  "No one is travelling abroad right now because they are bringing the weather to their gardens.  Patio furniture might be selling through the roof but we have been forced to rely on fascinated Japanese tourists just to get us through the week.  It's a hard time."

Downtown Coventry.

The problems afflicting the nation have also been seen on the digital arena with a hacker alert already in place when the online games' software was hit by a spam virus that caused penis enlargement letters to rain in volumes across the world, thus heavily stretching local recycling pick-ups that were forced to recruit from travel agencies to clear the debris.

The app's developers FLEECE inc. were unavailable for comment as they were snowed in to their Dubai offices but petitions have been flooding into Downing Street to ban the application for mass personal usage to be replaced with a time share system that would see only minimal weather fluctuations and curb any further unnatural abuse.

Oxford Tube Slower Than Hair Growth

by Shaky Parkinson

Passengers aboard Saturday evenings Oxford Tube were shocked when their simple trundle down the M40 turned into a two and a half hour slugfest with time.  After leaving Gloucester Green it seems the bus entered a strange time warp only to materialise hours later outside Victoria Coach Station.

"I'm bewildered," claimed coach driver Reg, "I just don't know what happened, maybe it always takes this long.  Frankly I blame the traffic and possibly that cunt who was smoking in the toilet."

Passenger Shaky Parkinson had this too say, "No comment, I don't want to be pegged as a whiny prick but frankly I could've thought myself there quicker."

Other passengers were less than quiet, "I've just lost an extra hour of my life and for what?  As far as I can make out nothing," screamed Emily Wood of Botley, "It's all this congestion stuff, it took us thirty-five minutes to get from Notting Hill Gate to Victoria.  That's not progress its bollocks."

"I think we can safely explain the phenomenon away with simple applied theory," cited one pent up Oxford Lecturer, "You see if we factor in to account the number of passengers insisting on using the smaller stops only reserved for the people that couldn't be bothered to walk to the bus station and the fact that it took over thirty minutes to hit Thornhill Park and Ride it is plainly evident where those lost minutes went.  It was either that or aliens.  It's anyone's guess but either way it's balls."

Upon arriving at Victoria station a small procession was held and driver Reg Reginald was awarded with a medal for his strength in the face of congestion and for helping the passengers to their destination safely.

"His chorus of 'The Wheels On The Bus' was a serious moral booster," claimed Emily, "That and the way he dealt with the wanker who was smoking in the toilet kept us all going.

The unexplained phenomenon is set to put an investigation into the works but initial findings are proving difficult, as Transport for London and Oxfordshire Council are unsure where to lay the blame for such a painstakingly slow journey.

Campsite Ruined By Mongs

by Shaky Parkinson

St. Paul's new campsite has proven a huge failure with the intended space being taken over by a rabble of mongs.  The campsite was opened a few weeks ago under a new scheme proposed by the Church of England but was quickly over run with smelly beer swigging hippies before the end of the first day.

"I was horrified when we arrived," claimed Tommy Booker, a cash and carry accountant, "I'd booked three nights for me and the family but when we showed up our space had been filled by a half naked drunk man spouting out incorrect political filth.  I've brought up the children with a fairly open mind but the sight of a grown man spitting out the failings of democracy that have been working well for over a thousand years is just too much.  We didn't hang around and I'm disgraced that these fools are aloud outside.  Maybe if we took away the freedom they seem to hate so much we could get away with a bit of state governed killing.  If I want to see stupidity I'll go in there," he fumed pointing to the Cathedral.

Vaguely put.

News Guff tried to track down the leader of the faceless mess but was unable to track down a single soul willing to take responsibility for the protest and our researchers were stumped when they tried to contact the organisation online.

Fortunately we ran into one Protestor who was willing to give us his views on the demonstration. "We're here for the working man," he whinged, "All the politicians have the money and that is wrong, we want some.  Things aren't equal and we want things equal.  Sort of like Communism but like Democracy.  We want equality but as long as everything stays the same right.  It's what we're all about."

When we interviewed a second passionate Fool he had this to say, "If those cunts want a peaceful protest we'll give them one.  This is a free campsite, I'll sleep where I fucking want.  At least I'm not in their bumming God and kids and stuff, what I'm doing is totally rad and cool and you can't arrest us cos' we checked."

Two non-violent protestors
sporting anonymous anarchistic face
masks.

"We never thought things would turn out like this," sighed the Rt Revd. Graeme Knowles, "It was all meant to be taken in good faith but I'm walking around the Cathedral and I'm knee deep in Subway wrappers and shit.  That's not the type of set-up we were aiming for.  We tried being forgiving and people said we were weak, then we decided to get tough and we were being pricks.  Maybe a free Church of England campsite was a silly idea?  Who cares, I'm quitting, there's no way I'm cleaning up this mess."

It is now thought the campsite will stay as it is until the squatters get bored or the cameras find a new focus for attention.  "We don't want another Kowloon Walled City on our hands," claimed David Cameron, "We could always cut off their benefits but that is a risky strategy, these buggers have exploited the weakness's inherent in the Church and Democracy itself, so we may have no other option to turn to Communism and let the Labour Party in.  Shame really, I was doing rather well."

Chinese Whispers Gets Out Of Control

by Shaky Parkinson

After a recent investigation by Scotland Yard's Technological Detectives Unit a culprit for last weeks rioting has been identified.  The widespread riots that caused chaos in London and other leading cities across England resulted in the death of four men and billions of pounds damage to businesses and the economy.

It seems that the origin of these terrible events can be traced back to the social networking site Facebook.  In particular one single message posted on the morning of 6th August by Tommy Collins that read, "Cereal's lonely, need milk from the shops."

It seems this catalyst triggered a serious case of Chinese Whispers that brought the country to the brink of Civil War claimed Scotland Yard's report.  "As usual events such as these always have a starting point," claimed DC Piggins, "Mr. Collins was unfortunate that his little quip was the catalyst for the worst case of Chinese Whispers ever to grace our country.  We've never seen anything like it.  The story just didn't come full circle.  Those poor cornflakes."

The report states the confusion as instant, with Collins' bit on the side Sally ('In A Relationship With') instantly heading to Top Shop for, "A ruckus of epic proportion."  Things went from shit to chaotic when Sally's message to her chum down in Croydon claiming she was, "Just nipping off for a quick loot," was mistakenly passed on as, "Free stuff and riots in town, BRING FIRE!!!"

From then on a chain reaction of University friends and old school buddies that are their to bump up the numbers caused widespread miscommunication, "On an epic scale of epical epicness," continued DC Piggins, "Facebook really isn't the place for stupidity.  Look at what can happen when one moron mistakes the ravings of a quirky maniac.  It's a wonder the country is still standing."

Social Networking Specialist Peter Dullard had this to say, "This is a freak occurrence.  There is always the off chance that a rogue trail of Chinese Whispers could break free and evolve into an unstoppable train of shit, but that is no reason to blame social networking.  Please don't blame it, without it I won't have friends."

"This goes beyond the normal cock jokes around the table and the silly billy antics of pass the parcel," stated David Cameron, "This is a level of miscommunication only previously experienced in trying to recite the alphabet whilst pissed or in a Coen Brothers' flick.  With the Blackberry culture booming there was no way of stopping the whisper.  I'm just happy with the police's reaction to the riots or maybe not, depends how the press want to swing it."

I spokesperson from Specsavers said, "They should have gone to Specsavers."

Online Ticket Purchase To Become New Olympic Sport

by Shaky Parkinson

After the epic demands placed onto the Internet this morning Olympic Chief Count Rogge has declared that Online Ticket Purchasing will become a regular fixture of the events.

The hoorah started at 6am proper time, when two million left over curling tickets went on sale to the general public.  The competition was fierce and only the top computer literates were gifted with the seats of their choice.

Having seen the enthusiasm and monetary profits from the newly recognised sport Rogge commented, "If we get this one off the ground it might knock my Forbes Rating up to no.66."

Ian Cludgley, a computer geek from Swindon who was the first to successfully complete the purchasing process is currently in talks with the British Olympic Association about forming a one-man team for the next games.

He went onto to chatter, "This is a new sport that has taken the world by storm and I want to be a part of that.  Having worked in IT for over twenty years has given me the skills I need to take Britain to the top.  I feel..."  Cludgley was unavailable to elaborate because his talktalk connection suddenly evaporated and his MSN feed died.

"What we can take from this is that filling out online forms is something that the British people have come to love and excel at, and Cludgley is the man for the job" said BOA's head Colin Moynihan, "That medal is as good as ours."

The Government were quick to praise the sport saying, "It will probably be good for young people and they are all that matter."