Miliband Contracts Labouritus

by Shaky Parkinson

Fears were confirmed today when Labour Leader Ed Miliband was diagnosed with Labouritus.  Reactions of shock and dismay rattled through the party with some MP's going as far as to take their own jobs.

Symptoms were noticed earlier today when Miliband was unable to recall the forerunner for the Scottish Labour Party Leadership.  During the press conference with BBC's Westminster Correspondent, Tim Reid, Miliband was unable to bring the name of party favourite Ken Macintosh MSP to mind amidst his droll babblings.

"Labouritus is a serious affliction," claimed Dr. Foster of Gloucester Royal Infirmary, "It is a rare disease seemingly afflicting any head of the Labour Party.  It usually takes a few months to make itself known but once it does it can seriously affect speech, appearance, public image while leave serious scars on any political career.  There is no official cure but experiments into charisma are proving successful.  In the meantime we advise Mr. Miliband to stay indoors away from all video and audio equipment and if at all possible to take a vow of silence until the General Election."

Other politicians have not fared well in the face of Labouritus.  Former Number Ten occupier, Gordon Brown suffered from the disease for his entire term in office.  "It was a gruesome case," continued Foster, "By the end he was nothing more than a walking ball of hate and filth.  Mr. Brown had a rare strain of the rare disease.  The only thing that kept him alive was a self-loathing public who were greedily bent on self-destruction.  Once that got taken away from him he was done for."

"We've seen it all before," commented Mr. Mister of Royal College London, "First it's a wrong name then you're on the streets slagging off the electorate.  Then come the abuse allegations and by then it's all over.  The whole thing is very sad and we hope Mr. Miliband can pull through and be able to live a purposeful life."

Ed Balls had this too say, "It's a bit of a shock.  We weren't expecting this until after Christmas.  He's done his best and laid the groundwork but we'll begin the transition and start getting things changed at the top.  The Docs have given him nine months, which was very, very kind of them.

Miliband has already seen a number of specialists but so far the prognosis is unanimously bad.

Labour Probably Promise 'Heaven On Earth'

by Shaky Parkinson

The no nonsense, life ruining, money swindling, retarded farts known as the Labour Party have taken policy making to the next extreme by promising the countries' morons 'Heaven on earth'.

"We believe in people being given everything they want as long as it means we look good and get to stay at the top," said Ed Balls, "Everyone is pissed off that they are loosing cash because of the mess left by us the last Labour government so despite it being completely unfeasible we have decided to promise that we will reverse as many of these cuts as we can.  We're not them, we're New New Labour which is really new."

It appears the majority of cuts to be reversed will magically benefit people from strong Labour backgrounds and areas or indeed any potential vote.  "I think people have to believe what we say and that means we have to be very careful about what we say," stated Balls in a Radio 4 interview.

According to Balls, "Britain is crying out for a better way," and that "He would not be making any irresponsible promises," he simply said, "We'll see you all on the lawn outside the pearly gates and it will be heaven with Labour."

"Tossers," remarked David Cameron, "You put on a damn tie and your public enemy number one.  What is wrong with these morons, I bet half the people whinging voted for this mess in the first place.  These cretins all see me as some sort of rich snob, well here's a truth, I see them as a bunch of greedy simpletons with about as much brain capacity as a melted dildo.  If you want to throw our country down the shitter because of a bit of discomfort then go fuck yourself.   I'll get on the blower and tell Oxfam to pull the plug on their latest advertising campaign."

"Whatever people disliked about our last term in office then that is what we will probably not do, and that's a certainty, which is probably better than a promise.  Just vote for us and find out," finished Balls.



News Guff must state it has always been the beacon of impartiality and no amount of bribes or free Caramacs will change that.  Eat Caramacs they're grrreeeeeeaaaaaat! 

Positive 0.2% GDP Gets Negative Response

by Shaky Parkinson

The UK's Gross Domestic Product (GDP) grew by 0.2% in the second quarter of this year, claims the Office for National Statistics (ONS).  The news that the economy is improving has caused much anger throughout Westminster none more so than at Labour HQ where Ed Balls was appalled with the figures.

"It's all Osborne's fault," he raged over lunch, "0.2% is a really small number, it's less than one, so it can't possibly be good.  That VAT rise was outrageous, not to mention his damn spending review messing things up.  He has recklessly choked last year's recovery not too mention he looks like a cast off from the Muppet Show."

No one had the heart to tell Mr. Balls that 0.2% of an economy worth hundreds of billions of pounds was still quite a sizable chunk of cash and that even if growth wasn't hitting predicted levels it was still going up.

When asked for a comment George Osborne was happy, "Just because we aren't hitting the predicted targets doesn't mean things aren't on the up.  I once went to a psychic and she said that given time I would look like a real boy.  So you see you can't trust these things."

Nick Pearce of Institute for Public Policy Research (IPPR) was even more wanked off by the statistics.  "If the economy doesn't get back on track I'm right up shit creek.  At this rate we'll only get about 1.2% annual growth and if I want to keep my kneecaps it needs to be at least 2.6%.  That's the last time I gamble on the advice of Mystic Meg," he whimpered from behind the curtains.

"What more do people want?" continued Osborne, "Growth is growth, unemployment is going down and it isn't my fault if people have spent all their disposable income on a third rate athletics competition."

"That is completely unfounded and true," reacted Pearce, "The recession continues to be felt and the UK economy might as well still be in recession, even if it technically isn't."