by Shaky Parkinson
After extreme pressure from the NHS, Oxford University and numerous Parent Teacher Associations the Government has today reclassified Fifty Shades Of Grey as a Gateway Novel. The change comes on a day Birmingham man Gordon Fluck found his stranded mother-in-law spread eagled naked in an incorrectly assembled sex swing in her home in Solihull.
"I was just nipping over to drop off some shopping and make sure the carers had been round," he cringed, "Then the unpleasantness happened. I'd have fainted had it not been for her Christian Grey t-shirt. You see I married one hell of a minger, you know the story, one night stand, bun in the oven, game set and match, so you can imagine my disgust at finding my 92-year-old mother-in-law danglingly six ways from Sunday from the lounge ceiling. The books were everywhere and quite obviously to blame."
"Their pants."
"We have to make a firm stance on this decision," cited David Cameron, "This Government has to be seen to be making a stand on this matter. Too many lives are being ruined and we hope that with this labelling people will take their hands out of their pants and listen to the dangers facing them."
Author of the multi-bajillion selling book E. L. James has defended her fortune saying that, "My novel is not poorly written and has given hope to many woman throughout the world. Without my reader's daily fix of Grey they will not be able to escape the drudgery of their pitiful lives and this classification is going to make a serious dent in that appreciation."
Last week saw a 700% increase in STI's, workplace affairs and hardware sales up from 544% for the month ending August. The trend in literature experimentation has also brought about a new type of book group where the use of rope and handcuffs have added to the surge in dedicated Fifty Shades Admittance Lines that are now springing up in most major hospitals.
"One guy had it."
"The impact this book is having on our countries infrastructure is massive," claimed Doctor Foster of Gloucestershire Royal Infirmary, "We've seen more chocking, insecurities and broken penis's than I care to relate, although I will say that it's been loads and one guy had it totally bent off. If Britain wants to survive the next few months the smut has to stop. A healthy wank inside or outside of a relationship is a good release for the building of hourly tension and I would advise people take precautions to avoid surrendering themselves to Fifty Shades at all costs."
He continued, "With Fifty Shades of Smut, manface James is targeting vulnerable individuals who have probably got some serious Stephanie Meyer experience under their waists to begin with and from their it's only a stepping stone to something harder. I enjoy a bit of Dan Brown like the next person but I indulge in moderation. So if you want to see your friends and family shitting themselves in some alley while jacked up on Christian Fundamentalism leaflets praising L. Ron Hubbard and James Patterson as gods then go ahead and buy them the complete Fifty Shades trilogy."
Experts at Oxford University have spent time analysing the text with shocking results. "What we've found is disturbing," claimed researcher David Fake, "The make-up of this gateway book is a deeply addictive mixture of self pity, laziness and emotional gluttony bonded to a massive string of twattiness. With Twilight fan fiction of this potency coming from such a bizarre middle aged woman the effects of over exposure could potentially result in loneliness, weight gain, ugliness, cats and excessive masturbation to teenage vampire films. This creation is sick and we support the Government's decision to alert the public to its dangers."
"This woman's perverted."
"This is just another case of some deranged connected nut case inflicting her talentless agenda upon the world," claimed PTA member Glenda Dale, "Why should the general public be made to play psychiatrist to this woman's perverted insecurities? In my opinion today's decision is not tough enough and frankly I think all copies of the book should be liquidated and replaced with the works of P.G. Wodehouse so that people can appreciate some good old fashioned right wing frolics and none of this terribly written mess."
Despite James' exposure of the British public as sexually repressed perverts, experimentation is on the rise and if rumours are to be believed, the casting of Alexander sex face Skarsgard in the title role of the upcoming film adaption could cause an even bigger surge in poor literacy publishing.
This coupled with the soon to be released Fifty Shades Of Gay, a novel about two homosexual writer's who recite a semi-autobiographical account of their office smuttery that develops into dangerous intensity alongside their quest of topping the UK book charts, could see Britain enter a new age of imagination.
"I was just nipping over to drop off some shopping and make sure the carers had been round," he cringed, "Then the unpleasantness happened. I'd have fainted had it not been for her Christian Grey t-shirt. You see I married one hell of a minger, you know the story, one night stand, bun in the oven, game set and match, so you can imagine my disgust at finding my 92-year-old mother-in-law danglingly six ways from Sunday from the lounge ceiling. The books were everywhere and quite obviously to blame."
"Their pants."
"We have to make a firm stance on this decision," cited David Cameron, "This Government has to be seen to be making a stand on this matter. Too many lives are being ruined and we hope that with this labelling people will take their hands out of their pants and listen to the dangers facing them."
 |
| E. L. James. |
Last week saw a 700% increase in STI's, workplace affairs and hardware sales up from 544% for the month ending August. The trend in literature experimentation has also brought about a new type of book group where the use of rope and handcuffs have added to the surge in dedicated Fifty Shades Admittance Lines that are now springing up in most major hospitals.
"One guy had it."
"The impact this book is having on our countries infrastructure is massive," claimed Doctor Foster of Gloucestershire Royal Infirmary, "We've seen more chocking, insecurities and broken penis's than I care to relate, although I will say that it's been loads and one guy had it totally bent off. If Britain wants to survive the next few months the smut has to stop. A healthy wank inside or outside of a relationship is a good release for the building of hourly tension and I would advise people take precautions to avoid surrendering themselves to Fifty Shades at all costs."
 |
| A Fifty Shades addict. |
Experts at Oxford University have spent time analysing the text with shocking results. "What we've found is disturbing," claimed researcher David Fake, "The make-up of this gateway book is a deeply addictive mixture of self pity, laziness and emotional gluttony bonded to a massive string of twattiness. With Twilight fan fiction of this potency coming from such a bizarre middle aged woman the effects of over exposure could potentially result in loneliness, weight gain, ugliness, cats and excessive masturbation to teenage vampire films. This creation is sick and we support the Government's decision to alert the public to its dangers."
"This woman's perverted."
"This is just another case of some deranged connected nut case inflicting her talentless agenda upon the world," claimed PTA member Glenda Dale, "Why should the general public be made to play psychiatrist to this woman's perverted insecurities? In my opinion today's decision is not tough enough and frankly I think all copies of the book should be liquidated and replaced with the works of P.G. Wodehouse so that people can appreciate some good old fashioned right wing frolics and none of this terribly written mess."
 |
| Alexander Skarsgard xxx |
This coupled with the soon to be released Fifty Shades Of Gay, a novel about two homosexual writer's who recite a semi-autobiographical account of their office smuttery that develops into dangerous intensity alongside their quest of topping the UK book charts, could see Britain enter a new age of imagination.
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