Shadow Education Secretary Promotes Eastern Teaching Techniques

by Shaky Parkinson

Shadow Education Secretary Stephen Twigg has today stated that the British Education system is not only dated but needs a change in approach if it is going to improve performance.

In a press conference at Shadow Downing Street Twigg likened the current state of schools as Victorian and was keen to highlight that nothing has changed since such times.  "The Labour Party is dedicated (Cough!) to education.  It is our number one (Cough!) priority and we see it as an area that needs rapid investment."

"Staff the country."

He went onto to praise Eastern education specifically the lesson planning system known to all teachers as jugyou kenkyuu (You can fuck right off), a system of planning that utilises the highly paid and numerous underworked teaching staff the country has its disposal by giving them less time with their students and more time in meetings with other like minded colleagues.

"It's a good system," beamed Twigg, "I cannot see any problems with this.  I've heard criticism that it may cost money, but that is tosh, there's money everywhere so it shouldn't be hard to organise.  But it's not just these lesson plans I'm keen on.  I've watched a series of promotional videos produced by renowned director Kinji Fukasaku and it is clear that on the international playing field British students are not as disciplined as those in Korea or Japan.  We've got a lot of work to do."

"The Victorians had it bad."

Not Nick Griffin MP Stephen Twigg

Teachers have been instant of their criticism of Twigg's propositions.  History teacher Kingston Waffle was keen to explain, "There is nothing wrong with our teaching system, the problem lies with the students and the barriers we face in dealing with them, namely the hitting one and the not being able to fail them one.  And who's to say the Victorians had it bad?  You would think a system that mirrored the greatest period in the British Empire would be good enough for today's dullards.  I teach in a three hundred year old school so does that mean my students will all graduate as P.E. Teachers?"

"He's wrong," voxed Headmaster Reginald Peterson, "Just plain old wrong.  I can't make it any simpler."

When asked why there was no improvement in the education system during Labour's last three terms and why the Party was so strongly offended by a system that seems to have been working for over a century it appeared Twigg had stepped out for a class of water.