Labour Probably Promise 'Heaven On Earth'

by Shaky Parkinson

The no nonsense, life ruining, money swindling, retarded farts known as the Labour Party have taken policy making to the next extreme by promising the countries' morons 'Heaven on earth'.

"We believe in people being given everything they want as long as it means we look good and get to stay at the top," said Ed Balls, "Everyone is pissed off that they are loosing cash because of the mess left by us the last Labour government so despite it being completely unfeasible we have decided to promise that we will reverse as many of these cuts as we can.  We're not them, we're New New Labour which is really new."

It appears the majority of cuts to be reversed will magically benefit people from strong Labour backgrounds and areas or indeed any potential vote.  "I think people have to believe what we say and that means we have to be very careful about what we say," stated Balls in a Radio 4 interview.

According to Balls, "Britain is crying out for a better way," and that "He would not be making any irresponsible promises," he simply said, "We'll see you all on the lawn outside the pearly gates and it will be heaven with Labour."

"Tossers," remarked David Cameron, "You put on a damn tie and your public enemy number one.  What is wrong with these morons, I bet half the people whinging voted for this mess in the first place.  These cretins all see me as some sort of rich snob, well here's a truth, I see them as a bunch of greedy simpletons with about as much brain capacity as a melted dildo.  If you want to throw our country down the shitter because of a bit of discomfort then go fuck yourself.   I'll get on the blower and tell Oxfam to pull the plug on their latest advertising campaign."

"Whatever people disliked about our last term in office then that is what we will probably not do, and that's a certainty, which is probably better than a promise.  Just vote for us and find out," finished Balls.



News Guff must state it has always been the beacon of impartiality and no amount of bribes or free Caramacs will change that.  Eat Caramacs they're grrreeeeeeaaaaaat! 

Latest Series Of 'Prime Minister's Questions' Is Doing Good

by Shaky Parkinson

The latest series of Prime Minister's Questions has shocked critics and ratings polls alike by breaking all previous records for the show.  The confident 'come out swinging' attitude of the show's hero David Cameron is apparently a runaway hit with the public.

The shows producers the BBC have whinged that the new format is working a treat and makes a welcome change from the tyrannical exploits of the previous cast.  Gordon Brown's stupid blustery bitching wasn't doing the viewers any good but his replacement Ed Miliband is working well with the ensemble cast.

Miliband, who has been brought in to field critical abuse from the shows lead has until now handled the role to perfection.  His bumbling, witless, insulting and misinformed contribution to the cast has created a vicious harmony between 'opposing sides' The Red and Blue Team.

Today's episode is said to have smashed all ratings since the shows inception and David's all out confident attack on the entire house came as a shock to viewers.  No Member of Parliament was left unscathed by David Cameron's unstoppable train of dialogue.  "He fielded question after question without so much as a glance at his notes," says co-star George Osborne, "I wouldn't want to play him at Trivial Pursuit."

The pace of the program never abated and after Miliband was left to sulk in the kiddie's corner Cameron clearly established himself as the shows out right leader.  The program's researchers are confused as to the origin of his in depth encyclopedic knowledge of all things political.  "We just gave him a piece of paper that read 'Wing it'," said one Researcher while busy making willy jokes on Wikipedia.

The audience response to the program was ecstatic.  One Hag from Winchester had this to say, "I love him, I have a picture of him on my wall and I think he is right good."  Further praise was given to the Blue Team's leader in the form of Mrs. Miss from Dudley, "He's a hunk and I'm totally voting for him next time."

The news of the shows success wasn't taken well by Miliband who is in talks with the unemployment office about switching to their current ratings boomer 'Job Centre Fortnightly'.  Apparently he suffered mental and emotional abuse at the hands of his co-star Cameron and was not gifted with the cuddles he was promised.

With today's ratings peaking at 4.8billion the shows creators are hoping that the upsurge will allow them to push for another series.  The same group later okayed this decision and a search for a new Red Team Leader is underway.  If the move does go ahead the producers are praying to God that Ed Balls will step in and take over the reins so that they can continually print his name over and over again.

Nick Clegg was unwanted for comment.