Fifty Shades To Be Classified A Gateway Book

by Shaky Parkinson

After extreme pressure from the NHS, Oxford University and numerous Parent Teacher Associations the Government has today reclassified Fifty Shades Of Grey as a Gateway Novel.  The change comes on a day Birmingham man Gordon Fluck found his stranded mother-in-law spread eagled naked in an incorrectly assembled sex swing in her home in Solihull.

"I was just nipping over to drop off some shopping and make sure the carers had been round," he cringed, "Then the unpleasantness happened.  I'd have fainted had it not been for her Christian Grey t-shirt.  You see I married one hell of a minger, you know the story, one night stand, bun in the oven, game set and match, so you can imagine my disgust at finding my 92-year-old mother-in-law danglingly six ways from Sunday from the lounge ceiling.  The books were everywhere and quite obviously to blame."

"Their pants."

"We have to make a firm stance on this decision," cited David Cameron, "This Government has to be seen to be making a stand on this matter.  Too many lives are being ruined and we hope that with this labelling people will take their hands out of their pants and listen to the dangers facing them."

E. L. James.

Author of the multi-bajillion selling book E. L. James has defended her fortune saying that, "My novel is not poorly written and has given hope to many woman throughout the world.  Without my reader's daily fix of Grey they will not be able to escape the drudgery of their pitiful lives and this classification is going to make a serious dent in that appreciation."

Last week saw a 700% increase in STI's, workplace affairs and hardware sales up from 544% for the month ending August.  The trend in literature experimentation has also brought about a new type of book group where the use of rope and handcuffs have added to the surge in dedicated Fifty Shades Admittance Lines that are now springing up in most major hospitals.

"One guy had it."

"The impact this book is having on our countries infrastructure is massive," claimed Doctor Foster of Gloucestershire Royal Infirmary, "We've seen more chocking, insecurities and broken penis's than I care to relate, although I will say that it's been loads and one guy had it totally bent off.  If Britain wants to survive the next few months the smut has to stop.  A healthy wank inside or outside of a relationship is a good release for the building of hourly tension and I would advise people take precautions to avoid surrendering themselves to Fifty Shades at all costs."

A Fifty Shades addict.

He continued, "With Fifty Shades of Smut, manface James is targeting vulnerable individuals who have probably got some serious Stephanie Meyer experience under their waists to begin with and from their it's only a stepping stone to something harder.  I enjoy a bit of Dan Brown like the next person but I indulge in moderation.  So if you want to see your friends and family shitting themselves in some alley while jacked up on Christian Fundamentalism leaflets praising L. Ron Hubbard and James Patterson as gods then go ahead and buy them the complete Fifty Shades trilogy."

Experts at Oxford University have spent time analysing the text with shocking results.  "What we've found is disturbing," claimed researcher David Fake, "The make-up of this gateway book is a deeply addictive mixture of self pity, laziness and emotional gluttony bonded to a massive string of twattiness.  With Twilight fan fiction of this potency coming from such a bizarre middle aged woman the effects of over exposure could potentially result in loneliness, weight gain, ugliness, cats and excessive masturbation to teenage vampire films.  This creation is sick and we support the Government's decision to alert the public to its dangers."

"This woman's perverted."

"This is just another case of some deranged connected nut case inflicting her talentless agenda upon the world," claimed PTA member Glenda Dale, "Why should the general public be made to play psychiatrist to this woman's perverted insecurities?  In my opinion today's decision is not tough enough and frankly I think all copies of the book should be liquidated and replaced with the works of P.G. Wodehouse so that people can appreciate some good old fashioned right wing frolics and none of this terribly written mess."

Alexander Skarsgard xxx

Despite James' exposure of the British public as sexually repressed perverts, experimentation is on the rise and if rumours are to be believed, the casting of Alexander sex face Skarsgard in the title role of the upcoming film adaption could cause an even bigger surge in poor literacy publishing.

This coupled with the soon to be released Fifty Shades Of Gay, a novel about two homosexual writer's who recite a semi-autobiographical account of their office smuttery that develops into dangerous intensity alongside their quest of topping the UK book charts, could see Britain enter a new age of imagination.

Tesco Fail To Hit Total Dominance Of UK Economy

by Shaky Parkinson

Your local Tesco.

Tesco shares have today fallen by 15% after the company failed to achieve total dominance of the UK economy in the 14 weeks leading up to January 7th.  The company has stated that it is "Disappointed" with its Christmas trading.

"Things are tough," said a Tesco Spokesmanwoman, "Sales were up by 5% but for some reason we aren't yet in complete control of everything.  We set down targets and these have to be met or Head Office gets funny.  Even after our unbelievable price hikes over the last five years we still missed are predictions.  We've quadrupled the price of our economy value tuna from 19p to 78p and look where that's gotten us.  With the price rises on bread alone you'd expect at least a majority shareholding in the NHS.  We've tried our best and it seems that shopper's would rather go elsewhere.  We're just after a few more pennies.  Every little helps."

Despite having such wildly unreachable goals the figures and targets speak for themselves and far away in a place called 'The Stock Market' there was an unexpected rush to sell as many shares as possible in a bid to save the pennies.

"Pennies make pounds," stated Trader Trench Slick "And pounds buy things.  So if there is even the slightest whiff of losing our pennies we're out.  It starts with a bit of banter around the water cooler and then by lunch everyone is in the loop.  It's concentrated fear and uneasiness, and that is what makes the world go round."

A graph showing not so
good things.

"When you expect to make a trillion pounds and you make a bit less than that it hurts.  It really hurts," continued the Spokesmanwoman, "If this trend keeps up we might only make a few billion pounds in clear profit over the next year and frankly that sounds like a waste of time.  At best we'll see minimal profit growth and I'm starting to think all those companies that are going bust and getting a bit of spare time are on the right track."

Tesco have not been the only company to suffer over the Christmas period.  Home Retail Group who own Argos and Homebase said its like-for-like sales (?) were down and that a sharp rise in home accidents involving nail guns have proven bad for business.

Business Guru Frank Splosh shed some light before commenting on the economy's recent downturn, "People are pricks.  They'd rather sit at home and order a reasonably priced DVD off Amazon and receive excellent customer service instead of trudging into town in the rain to be told by a gormless JJB Sport employee that the trainers they are after 'Could be here somewhere'.  Frankly I find the whole matter deplorable."

Either way the recession has officially hit businesses hard and although there is still profit to be had it seems the profit is not high enough for some.

Tubbies To Taste Tiredness

by Shaky Parkinson

A shock report has claimed that the NHS in Scotland has seen a 25% rise in sleep disorders with 80% of sufferer's showing signs of obesity.  "The main culprit appears to be Sleep Apnoea," stated Dr. Tom Mackay of Edinburgh's Royal Infirmary, "The patients fat neck squishes down their windpipe causing them to suck their airway closed, much like that of sucking up a milkshake.  We believe the motions that have become habitual are transferring themselves into a nocturnal setting.  Either that or the word suck is very misplaced."

He continued, "The resultant lack of oxygen has caused people to wake up, die or pass out at the wheel.  Thus causing a crummy nights sleep, death and proof that obesity can kill.  We've been prescribing diets and jogging but it seems that most of these people enjoy being fat."

The Guff met up with one Survivor at her favourite burger joint, "I knew that after I had technically died it was time to hit the salads.  Now I no longer snore and I'm still alive.  Although I am being treated for clown related nightmares."

It appears this new report has sent shock waves through the fast food industry with a mandatory extra slice of lettuce being added to every burger sold nationwide.  "Hey, we're just trying to do our bit," said King Ronald, Burger Mogul, we can't have all our customers dying, that's bad for business.  This Afro isn't holding its colour as well as it used to and the price of hair dye is a fucking joke."

Despite the seriousness of the report certain organisations have deemed the statistics as localised.  "You did say these results are from the Scotland?" asked Dr. Foster of Gloucester Royal Infirmary, "Well there's your answer.  If you've ever seen the school lunch rush in Musselburgh you'll have no cause to fear this down in the South East."

Either way the rise in the number of rough nights being attributed to the cheeseburger cannot probably be a bad or good thing although it might be very tasty.  "It's an outrage," continued the Survivor, "First they kill Elvis and now they are determined to ruin my life.  When will these delicious bastards be stopped?"

The situation has apparently gotten so bad that the British Lung Foundation has used the word 'Priority'.



Oh, and Steve Jobs died but we figured someone else would cover that one.

NHS Canteen's To Get Foreign Makeover

by Shaky Parkinson

After a number of disgruntled comments from the suggestion box the NHS has decided to outsource its catering sector to foreign investors.  It appears a wave of discontent has broken out across many top leading institutions throughout the UK and in a bid to keep standards high the Government is planning to allow foreign investment into many UK hospitals.

"Everyone loves curry right?  Problem solved," beamed Health Secretary Andrew Lansley, "We aren't privatising the NHS, we just thought that patients would prefer a post colostomy curry than some mouldy brown salad.  Beans and chips aren't going to cut it in this Jamie Oliver Snail FUCK! Smith sort of world."

After breaking for a quick Chicken Vindaloo Lansley was back with, "What we are planning to do is bring up all NHS canteen's to a level of pretension that rivals that of the best London bistro.  Once we've souped up this kitchen you'll be shitting bricks."

After his runaway success with the rebranding of Little Chef, Heston Blumenthal is being dragged in to create a public friendly menu to suit injuries of any scale, "We've got snail toast for the fractures and frozen piss cream for tonsillitis but I've yet to make any progress with the cancer patients," he scoffed earlier today.

"I'm for it," said one Vox Pop, "I pay my taxes and I think it is about time the NHS offered me up a few choice cuts with my leg amputation.  If I wanted chips I could go to the freezer, what I want is an experience that I cannot get at home.  They already have the awkward room share and that weird metal thing to piss in but so far the food isn't up to scratch."

"My jelly is crap," fumed brain surgery survivor, Richard Head, "When will they learn."  It seems the range of Greek salads, curries, fresh pizzas and Turkish kebabs has already proven a success during its trial period and is set to go national next month.

"This is going to be great," smiled Lansley, "We'll get the best in food the world has to offer.  We're changing the whole face medicine.  Once I drag up some research that links feta cheese with a cancer cure we're set.  Hey, if this works we might as well source out the whole lot.  Gotta go my Kulfi is here."