PM's Trip Cut By Three Days

by Shaky Parkinson

David Cameron was today peeved at plans to cut his sojourn to South Africa by three days because of the absolute mess caused by News International's alleged phone hacking activities.  "This is bollocks," he sulked to his scheduling committee, "Why can't I stay the full five days, it's Mandela's Birthday Party and everything.  I miss all the fun."

Today's resignation of Met Commissioner, Sir Paul Stephenson, has put increasing pressure on the Prime Minister to shorten his trading holiday.  "It's probably best the PM doesn't look like he is running away, even if the weather over their is looking pretty good," stated the PM's head of staff.

Cameron was even more upset when the trade meetings he had planned were all squished together and his trip to the beach was cancelled.  "This is so unfair, I wanted a nice little dip in the ocean and now I'm stuck talking to people.  I bought a new bucket and spade and everything.  It is so boring, can't they just do what I say and go away," he whined while dragging his suitcase to the meeting.

"I couldn't go swimming in China, India or Afghanistan and now I'm stuck in board meetings.  I can see the beach from the window.  It isn't fair.  I should have gone to Mexico with Cleggy," he commented.

Asked if he could comment on his hiring of ex News Of The World Editor, Andy Coulson he groaned, "How was I supposed to know he was a bit dodgy? I'm a politician, we're all dodgy.  If it wasn't for journalists I wouldn't have anyone fun to talk to.  I only hired him because of his Bob The Builder Lunchbox."

Elaborating he claimed that, "Andy also came with a letter of recommendation from himself which the others didn't have so I couldn't not give him the job, he may have told his Mum on me.  That doesn't excuse his hacking of people's phones.  He is such a twathead.  I hope he gets locked up and never sees a beach as long as he lives.  Does he realise how busy I am now and I haven't even brushed my teeth."

The PM was suddenly ushered away from the press for nap time and colouring in leaving Theresa May to talk to the press.  "No one put any pressure on Sir Paul to resign, it seems Neil Wallis' involvement got the better of the old codger.  These fucking journalists are really just dicking around at the wrong time.  This mess is really going to spill over into the summer break," she sighed.

As usual Labour had nothing constructive to say in the matter.

Latest Series Of 'Prime Minister's Questions' Is Doing Good

by Shaky Parkinson

The latest series of Prime Minister's Questions has shocked critics and ratings polls alike by breaking all previous records for the show.  The confident 'come out swinging' attitude of the show's hero David Cameron is apparently a runaway hit with the public.

The shows producers the BBC have whinged that the new format is working a treat and makes a welcome change from the tyrannical exploits of the previous cast.  Gordon Brown's stupid blustery bitching wasn't doing the viewers any good but his replacement Ed Miliband is working well with the ensemble cast.

Miliband, who has been brought in to field critical abuse from the shows lead has until now handled the role to perfection.  His bumbling, witless, insulting and misinformed contribution to the cast has created a vicious harmony between 'opposing sides' The Red and Blue Team.

Today's episode is said to have smashed all ratings since the shows inception and David's all out confident attack on the entire house came as a shock to viewers.  No Member of Parliament was left unscathed by David Cameron's unstoppable train of dialogue.  "He fielded question after question without so much as a glance at his notes," says co-star George Osborne, "I wouldn't want to play him at Trivial Pursuit."

The pace of the program never abated and after Miliband was left to sulk in the kiddie's corner Cameron clearly established himself as the shows out right leader.  The program's researchers are confused as to the origin of his in depth encyclopedic knowledge of all things political.  "We just gave him a piece of paper that read 'Wing it'," said one Researcher while busy making willy jokes on Wikipedia.

The audience response to the program was ecstatic.  One Hag from Winchester had this to say, "I love him, I have a picture of him on my wall and I think he is right good."  Further praise was given to the Blue Team's leader in the form of Mrs. Miss from Dudley, "He's a hunk and I'm totally voting for him next time."

The news of the shows success wasn't taken well by Miliband who is in talks with the unemployment office about switching to their current ratings boomer 'Job Centre Fortnightly'.  Apparently he suffered mental and emotional abuse at the hands of his co-star Cameron and was not gifted with the cuddles he was promised.

With today's ratings peaking at 4.8billion the shows creators are hoping that the upsurge will allow them to push for another series.  The same group later okayed this decision and a search for a new Red Team Leader is underway.  If the move does go ahead the producers are praying to God that Ed Balls will step in and take over the reins so that they can continually print his name over and over again.

Nick Clegg was unwanted for comment.