Tennant And Osbourne To Duel

by Shaky Parkinson

Flagship BBC program The One Show was forced off the air this evening when an argument broke out between Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osbourne and Royal Shakespeare Company operative David Tennant.  As is their want the BBC have already apologised for the incident but the fight seems fit to continue as the pair don swords in a duel to be held at dawn.

"Financial grants to cows."

The conflict arose moments after the Chancellor ended his discussion about the Coalition's latest environmental scheme to reduce Britain's CO2 emissions by awarding financial grants to cows if they cease flatulating.

Despite staff claiming that the Chancellor 'Appeared stressed' and was 'Looking very pale' he openly discussed the scheme as well as claims about back bench opposition to the proposal, "The scheme is a doozy.  Really top notch thinking, and we've got our best guys on it.  Clegg, Cable, the whole team and the MP's who are opposing this strategy need to think in the long term if Britain is going to help combat global warming. People elected us so we would resolve the economic problems left to us by the previous government but we've gone one step further by altering every facet of daily life in our bid to assist the nation."

Further observations that the Chancellor looked 'Vacant and emotionally ignorant' failed to dampen his spirits as he left the studio during the broadcasting of a Springwatch 2013 segment to join fellow guest David Tennant in the green room where minutes later raised voices were heard.  Eventually the banging and smashes alerted security who broke into the barricaded room to find the couple rough housing amongst a pile of empty Celebration Wrappers.

Tennant moments before the fight.

"Backwell back in 2008."

"We got them apart as quickly as we could," commented Security Officer Mick James, "But they were at each others throats. Galaxy Truffle this and see you on the battlefield that.  I haven't dealt with anything this nasty since Len Goodman and Bruce Forsyth threw down over a cherry bakewell back in 2008."

"The pair were flustered," claimed presenter Matt Baker, "And we just want to apologise to our viewer for the incident.  Thanks to my Blue Peter first aid training I was able to treat David's bruised ego and the Chancellor's ever reddening cheek before matters got out of hand."

Although staff were unable to discover a cause for the hostilities Tennant was eager to protest his innocence as the pair were calmly lead from Broadcasting House, """I'M INNOCENT!!! DOTH NOT THE EYE SEETH TRUTH IN ME??? HISS HISS HISS!!!""" while a more animated Osbourne was furious at the incident, "Boys will be boys and this is nothing more than a bit of light improv that got out of hand. Still no matter how the delivery a challenge is a challenge," but when asked to elaborate neither party could offer any further explanation although runner Claire Hutching witnessed the argument from outside the green room.

"I couldn't hear much through the overacting," she claimed, "But it seemed that there was a dispute about chocolate, which was followed by a lot of swearing and things being thrown around before I distinctly heard the word 'duel' and 'twat' being repeated a number of times.

Osbourne's duelling gonks.

This comment was later confirmed when Tennant released a press statement claiming, """GEORGE OSBOURNE IS NO MORE A SNOB THAN I AM A THESPIAN!!!  AND WE SHALL BE DUELLING TO THE DEATH COME DAYBREAK!!!"""  Downing Street also delivered a similar announcement that stated 'Chancellor Osbourne has accepted the challenge of a duel and will comply with all the requisite procedures required in its undertaking'.

"Duels are to be fought."

Parliamentary tradition dictates that all duels are to be fought at first light upon the waters of the river Thames overlooking the Houses of Parliament and in good faith the palace has offered the royal duelling barge to act as the customary vessel.

Royal duelling barge.

What with Osbourne's 2nd grade fencing award from Magdalen College and Tennant's extensive use of stage props bookies are saying that a Tennant death would prove unfavourable as would an Osbourne win and are therefore refusing to give odds on either opponent but wish both the combatants unanimous condolences.

BBC will be broadcasting the event from 4.30am with kick off at 5.08 after opening coverage from Adrian Chiles and Sue Barker.  You can also follow the proceedings on twitter at #twatfight.

Dickhead's Can't Win Tennis

by Shaky Parkinson

Today's Australian Open semi-final between Novak Djokovic and Andy Murray has laid down definitive proof that Dickheads are unable to win tennis.  It seems no matter how hard the Scottish tennisman played, he was unable to claim victory because of his inability to smile due to a severe affliction.

It is thought that the amount of people suffering with Dickheaditus is on a rise across the globe and the number of people infected rose by one million percent over the holidays alone.  Experts say that the current statistics are worryingish and that without a cure the problem may soon turn into a pandemic.

Professor. John Professor of Edinburgh University has been leading a pioneering study into Dickheadology (The Study Of Pricks) over the last two years and his team have already made substantial discoveries in the field.

"Dickheads are everywhere," explained Professor, "They run our banks, invade our pop charts and spout out blosh from our television sets.  We have also discovered that the 'Dickhead' mindset is highly contagious and usually targets children under the age of twenty."

He continued, "If we look at Andy Murray in particular we can see the advanced stages of the disease at work.  He has lost all semblance of sportsmanship and elegance while filling up to the brim with impatient anger.  All these traits manifest themselves most strongly when he is put up against stronger competition in the latter stages of high ranking tennis championships and his defeat today is a clear demonstration that being a Dickhead means you can never truly be a winner."

Posing egomaniac McIntyre.

"Although this may not always be the case.  If we look at the likes of Michael McIntyre, Ricky Gervais and Martin Freeman we can see a high level of success in their chosen field.  We call this strain of the disease 'Mystifying'.  In such cases we see an adaption of the disease's binary code to the industry in question that causes fellow sufferers to become ignorant to the effects and subconsciously encourage a distinct increase in degradation in all the participants. This is called homing and in many cases certain industries have become so infected with Dickheads they are beyond help.  We know it and Ricky Gervais knows it that deep down he is a Dickhead but without a cure this poor man is doomed to suffer forever."  

Professor and his team of researchers have been working under hazardous conditions in some of Britain's biggest corporations to obtain data they hope to implement in a cure and next weeks publication will reveal the extent of their successes.

"I'll be blunt with you, it isn't looking good," sighed research assistant Stephen Poliakoff, "We've already tried re-commissioning additional episodes of Hustle to take over Sherlock's Saturday night time-slot.  Along with this we've also offered a thumbs up to Rafael Nadal and tried shooting Chris Moyles but nothing seems to have worked.  The current strain of the virus is proving immune to our best efforts and a more rigorous program is needed.  With that in mind a firebombing of Coronation Street and Albert Square have been scheduled for Saturday but with the disease already progressing to such an advanced state our research might prove worthless."

"If Dickheaditus is not stopped the British public will never see a home grown Scotsman take home the prize," shouted Professor, "This virus is crippling and needs fighting.  Without a cure there are thousands of people walking the streets unable to think straight, muster up a creative thought or even act with civility and that is a scary thought."

An in depth report into the disease will be running on BBC One on Monday between the evening News and The One Show.

Worral Thompson Praised After Queue Jumping

by Shaky Parkinson

Last Friday, Egg Whisker and Saucepan Designer Anthony Royal Thompson was caught queue jumping by security staff at the Henley-on-Thames branch of Tesco.  It seems he had entered the store in a flustered state in pursuit of some 'Low Value' cheese and wine but upon reaching the tailback at the express checkouts Thompson took matters into his own hands and left the building.

Despite being unable to leave with his goods Thomspon broke free of the Staff and ran off into the car park screaming with delight.  His actions sparked numerous uprisings throughout the middle classes and it is thought that the thousands of pounds Tesco pocketed on staff cut backs were wiped out by the sudden disappearance of six million cubic tonnes of Red Leicester.

"He's a Saint," whispered nearby shoppers, "He's broken the mould and done what we all wish we could do if we had a well established television career behind us."

"I'm just a man," claimed Thompson on Monday's edition of The One Show, "We were having a few friends over and so I had to make a dash for a few vitals.  If the supermarket hadn't pushed me to breaking point with their lengthy queues I wouldn't be here today." 

Thompson leading the fight for
rights.

Thompson escaped prosecution on grounds that, "Tesco had already gotten their publicity's worth out of the event and simply wanted to return the cheese to its housing before it went moldy and had to be written off.  

Yet Thompson's acts have called for a probe into the supermarket's 'We'll open a till if there's a line' policy.  "There was one work experience girl to service fifty of us and that wasn't good enough," sounded Thompson, "If no one stands up to these tossers where will we be?" 

Off the back of his unexpected success Thompson has outlined a program of protest to defeat the unnecessary removal of goods from supermarkets in a quick manner that leaves people free from stress and anger.  His 'Five Minutes Or Free' campaign is set to launch on Sunday to moderate reception.   

Jeremy Clarkson Complaints Replayed For Millions

by Shaky Parkinson 

Zillions of complaints have poured into the BBC demanding an end to the insulting comments made by Jeremy Clarkson on yesterday's edition of The One Show.  Mr. Clarkson stated that all public sector strikers should, "Be taken out and executed in front of their families," and the comment has generated huge amounts of public anger when it was picked up by BBC News 24 and played on a constant loop throughout the day.

"I'm really outraged," claimed Nosey Parker, "First I had to write in to complain about Mr. Clarkson and his tirade of filth, then I had to complain about the fact the BBC kept repeating it.  I've been offended over seventy times today by the same event and I'm furious.  I've been down to the post office several times already and God knows the queues don't get any shorter.  Does the BBC think I'm made of stamps?"

"I could do without this shit," claimed BBC complaints manager, Derrick Whinge, "We've just found out about a glitch in the new Frozen Planet DVD where David Attenborough says 'fuck' so things are pretty hectic around here without another Clarkson comment piling up the work.  I still like Top Gear."

"His comments hurt deep," claimed administrative worker Daniel Dumps, "And having to see them being played over and over again just adds salt to the wound.  I went striking in good faith but to realise that I had done so mistakenly was just too much to bear.  I'm going to load up my air rifle and take it into the front garden as per Jeremy's suggestion and do the right thing."

"The public sector workers in this country are privilege to some of the best pensions in the world," claimed Father Chris Mass, "You're not the only ones getting a pay freeze.  At least you teachers are doing a job you bloody enjoy.  If I have to explain God's motives for another dead three year old I'm done.  The rate my profession is going I'll be lucky to retire on anything more than a weekly helping of bread and incense."

"Unfortunately we live in a democracy," remarked Clarkson, "It's my opinion, I know the BBC is pretty weak minded but if I cannot express myself on a 'Topical' magazine show then why bother having me here?  You know what I'm like.  I still can't believe anyone was even watching this hunk of shit.  The only reason this show is here is because of a complete lack competition.  I'd hate to know that Top Gear was getting shared with a plate of microwavable curry.  Do I still get paid?"

Mr. Clarkson's comments could end up with him facing prosecution and eventually see him sentenced to a crime.  "I've done a crime now have I," spouted Clarkson, "It's not my fault you lot can't take a joke, but if you need an apology then I suppose I'll give you one along with the BBC."  The BBC has yet to apologise with any sincerity and the whole affair has wound up turning into yet another attack on the Prime Minister.

"I didn't say anything," claimed David Cameron during a berating at the hands of Philip Schofield, "Just because I know someone doesn't make them my responsibility.  I know people hate Clarkson because he is rich but you're worth a fair few million and he brings in a hell of a lot of revenue for the BBC.  Just because you're on a morning chat show doesn't make you one of the people Schofield.  If Clarkson wants to talk like an arse that should theoretically be his problem.  I will say that his comments were silly, foolish and should not have been given repeated airtime.  That is what Top Gear is for and he should know that."

Calls for Clarkson's removal from television screens have been wide spread.  "There have been many good arguments as to why we should sack Mr. Clarkson," explained director general Mark Thompson, "But the thing is that he makes us loads of cash, and so we can get away with offending people by repeating the story over and over.  It's all great publicity, even if it isn't entirely newsworthy, at least people now know The One Show exists."

Whatever may happen it is thought that the reruns will be continued for at least the next twenty four hours until interest in the story fades with many irate viewers planning sit outs at their local post office to get their complaints into Television Centre on the first post.  If you want information on where your nearest Clarkson Loathers Against Profanity sit out is taking place, simple ring 118 118 and ask for the CLAP.