Miliband Down In The Dumps

by Shaky Parkinson

A shocking revelation has brought to light the fact that Ed Miliband has been walking around Westminster with a toilet on his head.  The toilet was first noticed yesterday at Mario's Pasta Emporium by a member of the public.  It seems the Labour leader was enjoying a light dinner after a grueling day of Tory slagging and upon thanking the waiter for his meal he attracted the attention of his fellow patrons.

Fellow diner, Reg Gusset, was, "Shocked to see the Labour leader express gratitude," but was even more shocked when his application of interest revealed the stained white porcelain of an Armitage classic. "It was incredible, I've never paid any attention to his crap but you would have thought his own party would have noticed something," he continued.

Asked if he would leave the restaurant Miliband said, "No," then politely threatened to sue the owner for emotional damage and whiplash saying, "This is a democracy and my political views are just as valid as anyone's here.  I won't be alienated by my position"  Mario responded with, "What position is that Sir?" and upon Miliband's insistence that he was head of the Labour Party, Mario insisted he should leave.

Once the story broke and people actually started listening to Miliband the toilet was in plain view for all to see. "I don't know what the fuss is about," said Ed's Mum, "It's always been like this.  I remember him playing politician as child.  Streaking up and down the landing with freshly formed policies, waving paper around and spewing out filth.  It is very unbecoming but he is still my little boy and I love him dearly even if he is head of the Labour Party.  Although it would be nice not to get all those looks at the supermarket."

The general opinion floating around Westminster is that Miliband has such a liking for his own bullshit that he can't bear to be separated from it.  Donald Intelligent, a behavioural specialist from Oxford College Oxford was intrigued by the matter, "It seems the ego of this young man, coupled with a knowing insecurity about his skill, intelligence and personality have manifested itself in the need for constant affirmation.  In this case, the bullshit he is being fed by his aids becomes a reassurance and he cannot bare to be parted from the reaction.  This is very much like Gordon Brown's comfort blanket and Tony Blair's toy soldiers."

Miliband's housekeeper Doris was, "Just as shocked as the rest of the country, but it does explain why we have regular deliveries from Toilet Duck."

Ed Miliband quickly organised a press conference to discuss the situation but unfortunately no one showed up and the big hoorah quickly faded from memory.  MP's were seen wondering around Westminster confused as to the recent hysterics and 'funny smell', that a press release from Labour HQ stated was probably caused by the Tories and that Cameron should be forced to resign.

Cameron responded calling Miliband a 'pooh pooh head' and was surprised by the effectiveness of the insult.