Youth Not To Blame For Youth Unemployment

by Shaky Parkinson

Today's attacks on the government were leveled squarely at the failing economy that isn't failing but just slow and the fact that youth unemployment rose to over a million.  It seems a pampered and spoilt generation of youngsters are finding it difficult to muster up the strength to look for work.

"It's shit right," claimed one Claimant, "The government is all full of rich tossers and I can't even afford the latest Call of Duty game.  There's jobs out there man but that's not right, I wanna be rich and all that but I ain't serving coffee or nuffin'."

"He's right, jobs start way to early, I can't handle it," agreed his Friend, "Scanning barcodes and puttin' change in a till is just beyond me, they don't teach you anything useful at school man.  I'm not qualified to be intelligent."

The Office For National Statistics said the job rate hit 8.3%, which was more than it had been at some point previous to that.  People in the North East were getting screwed more than them in the South East.  The unemployment rate is the highest since 1996 with the total number of unemployed being the highest since 1994.  The number of woman out of work jumped from 49,000 to 1.9million that was the highest since 1988 and the number of people in work was down on the quarter by 197,000.  "It's a mess," stated Employment Minister Chris Grayling.

"I've looked over the statistics and frankly I'm shitting my pants.  They've got graphs, pie charts and all sorts, it's not looking hot.  Let's face it, the ONS have dropped the ball on occasion with their percentage of babies being named after David Beckham survey being woefully incorrect but even I can tell this looks bad.  People are yelling and there's a lot of whinging going on and frankly that usually spells disaster for someone and looking around it could be me."

Local drug circulator Dennis Fartbum spoke out about his outrage at the situation, "It's outrageous, those poor young kiddies, not being able to work.  It breaks your heart.  How are they going to keep up with their Ford Fiesta payments on job seekers?  And what with the booze and fag taxes going up what sort of example are we setting?  A bad one I think you'll agree."

Not agreeing was Shopkeeper Laura Elle, "I sell flowers.  Young people don't know what flowers are.  Therefore employing them would be a mistake.  I'll speak honestly.  I don't want some glue sniffing ill-mannered moron ruining my business when I can employ someone older and a little bit smarter.  I tried running a work experience placement to get some of the kids into the feel of things but I left one of them with a few telephone orders and he got confused when I told him it couldn't do a text.  They have no one to blame but themselves."

It is the thought the population increase is to blame with a higher proportion of idiots coming out strong during mating season.  "It's the ugly ones that breed," claimed Social Expert Doug Ross, "When you've got nothing to lose there is no expectation and a sheer willingness to procreate.  All the pretty people are so stuck up their own egos they haven't the time to have babies.  It's all very sad.  This trend towards idiocy could well bring about an end to our current civilization.  By my reckoning we'll be fucked into Armageddon by 2017."

"They're not all bad," stuck up Ed Miliband, "The Youth have just been misunderstood, it isn't their fault, it's the Tories.  They've done something bad and look at the results."

"There are a few good ones out there," continued Ross, "I can name at least thirty good young people.  If the ONS are correct and my trust is still shaky after that Apocalypse 2010 debacle then there maybe more.  It is just easier to spot the useless ones."

As the debate rages through Parliament and Cameron musters up the strength to live through another day, questions are still being asked as to why he has failed the youth of yesterday and today and tomorrow.

Today's Sporting Round-Up

by Shaky Parkinson

It appears that there was sport today with results culminating in many various wins across the UK.  Football and rugby were amongst some of the big favourites that suffered defeat with darts coming in a close third.  The tennis versus curling bout won't be decided until the fifth round with a 2-2 outcome prevailing in the sailing.

Extreme sports sore a boost against the dollar but took a beating against the FTSE 100 which triumphed against Swansea but lost its footing when Windsor came back with a last minute point.

The diving was forced into catastrophe while a runaway shuttlecock caused an upset for Jenson Button in the Doncaster Grand Prix.

The cricket was called off, as was the rain that left a clean path free for Bradford Unathletic when they stormed to victory against everyone in the cup final semis.

There was a penalty fine when Kingsley hit a rounder in the UFC, which caused ripples amongst the bowling clubs of London who lost a 15/1 bet on Wilbur's Knob in 9:17.5 at the oval.

Snooker was up with Jimmy White's ten-hour return from retirement proving unsuccessful when Ryan Giggs scored a century at Highbury Park.

Injuries were numerous with David Beckham and Wayne Rooney both being excused from play while Alex Ferguson had to bow out of a charity fistfight due to stress and a brain haemorrhage.

In the Premiership, football went down by three with Queens Park Rangers getting a thumbs up as Chelsea went ahead by fifty to secure a place in the Championship Euro.

The pools saw an upturn in numbers with a 4,4,2 win from Charlton racking up a ten second lead in the hundred metre hurdles with a new world record still under questioning.

And that's the sport.