Norway Are Taking The Piss

by Shaky Parkinson (Fucking Norwegians, I suppose its best to give them their moment in the spotlight so we won't have to hear from them for a while).

Angered by a recent blow to their society coupled with only a marginal shimmer of grief from the global community has triggered Norway to literally 'let out the bears'.  The tragedy occurred at the Von Post glacier near Santa's pad, where a stray Polar Bear infiltrated the camp of the BRITISH!!! Schools Exploring Society killing an unnamed 17-year-old BRITISH!!! Youth.

Despite being warned about the potential of a fiasco the stubborn scientists dismissed the idea as "ludicrous" after a quick bought with the calculator.  Pandemonium ensued when the unexpected houseguest stumbled aimlessly onto the campsite causing uncertainty, disbelief and doubt at the nature of Mathematics.  It seems the Polar Bear had strayed there while allegedly out looking for some snacks and a 'bevvie'.  "We think he got lost in a sudden snow storm and ended up taking a wrong turn at Svalbard," said the Voice in my Head.

Upon entering the camp he was greeted with anger, abuse and a closed bar.  The accompanying barrage of scientific instruments and lack of manners became the last straw and caused the Polar Bear to, "Flip the fuck out and go stark raving bonkers.  He was cute and cuddly through binoculars but close up he was really scary," stated a second Voice.

The resulting attack left four people severely injured and one Youth, "Without life," claimed a distraught Survivor, "After that experience I can say for sure that everyone dreamt of polar bears that night."

The name of the dead chappie has yet to be released but a spokesperson from BSES said, "We don't want to tarnish the reputation of the deceased and create any unwanted grief for his parents by revealing his really funny name to the press but I can assure you it is hilarious.  We're talking piss yourself funny.  Okay it's Richard Harmless."

While being dragged from captivity the Polar Bear claimed, "AAAAAAARRRRRRHHHHH!!!"  Which run past a bear vocal specialist we believe to read, "I was just chillin' out looking for a brew when those damn pervy tourists who had been eyeing me up for the last four days started attacking me.  I was stuck on the ice for days and all those fuckers' did was point and giggle.  They took away my buzz so I took away their faces."

The tragedy is set to eclipse the Anders murderfest with the British Government demanding an apology. "We want an apology," bellowed Foreign Secretary William Hague, "If those daft cunts hadn't been sat around crying they may have been keeping a closer eye on those retarded children we sent them."

Sympathy For Norway Waning

by Shaky Parkinson

After last weeks car bomb attack in Oslo, sympathy for poor old Norway has already turned into bitter resentment.  It seems the incident has quickly lost its global standing with many world leaders calling the Norwegians, "Babies," and to, "Just get over it."

It seems Jamaica's 'Chill Out' and France's 'Shit Happens' sympathy cards have fallen on unsympathetic ears and have been deemed rude and insensitive by the Norwegians.

"Count yourselves lucky this is the worse thing that has happened to your country since the War.  God forbid anything really disastrous happened.  You sour faced bastards would crumble at the shock," fumed one Global Leader, "How about we stick a tsunami up your ass and see how you cope!"

It seems the social Utopian image being emitted from Norway over the past fifty years was just a publicity stunt claims UN Intelligence.  What with Anders Breivik's initial car bomb causing instant racist attacks in the capital, The World is starting to lose their patience.  "It seems homegrown terrorism is too good for Norway," chimed one Nation.

What with Norway's 100,000 strong Muslim population being the motivation for Anders' violent quest the immigrant population are quite rightly getting very worried at these turn of events.  It seems a man whose appearance screams 'Nazi' was deemed normal enough to warrant a lower threat level than the terrorist cell, Al-Qaeda.

When asked to comment Al-Qaeda said, "Who or what is a Norway?  Are they make believe like the Smurfs?  Why would we blow up the Smurfs?  We love the Smurfs."  Indeed initial reports claim that most Muslims thought they were to blame for the attack which in turn didn't further their cause.

Amid the thousands of gushing mourners roaming the capital's streets there was a sheepish group of Somalians getting some suspiciously aggressive looks.  "It seems Anders' goal may see fruition yet," whispered one Muslim Mother, "The shock of the event is too much for their small Liberal minds to handle and a backlash could potentially happen at anytime."

The killings have only highlighted the fact that behind their clean socialist image the Norwegians are just as racist and fractured as the rest of humanity.  "This really is a wake up call for the buggers," alleged David Cameron, "They should be counting themselves lucky the Death Toll went down.  I never catch a break."

Plans for a national Norwegian field trip to Somalia have met with large scale global enthusiasm but little encouragement at home.  "We'd love to go," grieved one Griever, "But there is just too much grieving to be done and we don't want to get contaminated with whatever it is they have over there."

Unfortunately Norway has failed to learn their lesson with a ten fold increase in national security coupled with fear at an all time monstrosity.  It seems a home grown political attack is still not their fault and the whole world should drop whatever it is doing and join in with their grief.

In response The World said, "They were washing their hair."

Norwegian Man Furious At Lost Invite

by Shaky Parkinson

Anders Behring Breivik, a 32-year-old Norwegian nutbag has murdered at least 93 people on Utoeya Island just outside the capital.  It seems Breivik was motivated to the horrific act after not being invited to the annual Labour Party Youth Camp.

After his car bomb protest in Oslo went relatively unnoticed by security forces, Breivik drove his silver van the 25 miles North West to Utoeya in a bid to, "Really make his point."  It was here that he strategically impersonated a police officer and used his cunning disguise to gate crash the party.

When asked, "To come out and play," the lack of resulting enthusiasm from his victims, "Was a huge mistake," claimed one Survivor.  "In our defense he was really creepy," gibbered another could have been, "We told him it was a Socialist Youth Camp and that as a Right-Wing Fundamentalist Racist we didn't want to play with him.  It was a bit of a shame because he had brought some cool guns to share with us."

Upon being rejected a second time Breivik reportedly, "Flew off the handle and started shooting the shit.  Literally."  "He was an animal," said one Youngster, "We tried to hop foot it into the lake but he kept shooting at us."  Some children were able to hide in nearby caves and shrubs but that didn't stop Breivik in his murderous rampage.

It took police 40 minutes to arrive on the scene and a further hour to finish their coffee and begin operations.  In that time Breivik had decide to stop his rampage but having noticed that his point was still going unquestioned he continued the massacre with renewed vigour by shooting all of the dead bodies a second time, "For some real emphasis."

Eventually Police confronted the killer who gladly put down his guns to be lead away for questioning which later showed the attack to have been motivated, "By being left out and ignored.  They know how much I love the big parachute and campfires.  It was really hurtful not just emotionally, but physically.  Some people just don't know how that feels." Asked why he chose to make his point by murdering 100 innocent people he claimed it was, "Gruesome but necessary."

Detectives were shocked as to Breivik's actions asking him, "Why didn't you just do something dull like any normal Scandinavian?" In response Breivik claimed to be, "Thinking outside the box," and that he, "Wouldn't use an ammunition crate as a control next time."

The government is today looking into the incident to get to the route of why Mr. Breivik's invitation was never sent out.  Initial evidence hints that Breivik had been unhappy about the situation for many years, having voice his opinions in Anti-Muslim videos on YouTube, a feed on Twitter and during his eight year stint as a member of Norwegians' Right-Wing Progress Part.  There was even more swearing when it was revealed that he had recently bought six tonnes of artificial fertiliser for, "Use on his farm," and that his national service training had left him in legal possession of two firearms.

"This was always on the cards and it was a rookie mistake that we didn't cater a political event to silence this fundamentalist fuck nut.  I blame myself.  And also him," sobbed Norwegian Prime Minister, Jens Stoltenberg.