Jeremy Clarkson Complaints Replayed For Millions

by Shaky Parkinson 

Zillions of complaints have poured into the BBC demanding an end to the insulting comments made by Jeremy Clarkson on yesterday's edition of The One Show.  Mr. Clarkson stated that all public sector strikers should, "Be taken out and executed in front of their families," and the comment has generated huge amounts of public anger when it was picked up by BBC News 24 and played on a constant loop throughout the day.

"I'm really outraged," claimed Nosey Parker, "First I had to write in to complain about Mr. Clarkson and his tirade of filth, then I had to complain about the fact the BBC kept repeating it.  I've been offended over seventy times today by the same event and I'm furious.  I've been down to the post office several times already and God knows the queues don't get any shorter.  Does the BBC think I'm made of stamps?"

"I could do without this shit," claimed BBC complaints manager, Derrick Whinge, "We've just found out about a glitch in the new Frozen Planet DVD where David Attenborough says 'fuck' so things are pretty hectic around here without another Clarkson comment piling up the work.  I still like Top Gear."

"His comments hurt deep," claimed administrative worker Daniel Dumps, "And having to see them being played over and over again just adds salt to the wound.  I went striking in good faith but to realise that I had done so mistakenly was just too much to bear.  I'm going to load up my air rifle and take it into the front garden as per Jeremy's suggestion and do the right thing."

"The public sector workers in this country are privilege to some of the best pensions in the world," claimed Father Chris Mass, "You're not the only ones getting a pay freeze.  At least you teachers are doing a job you bloody enjoy.  If I have to explain God's motives for another dead three year old I'm done.  The rate my profession is going I'll be lucky to retire on anything more than a weekly helping of bread and incense."

"Unfortunately we live in a democracy," remarked Clarkson, "It's my opinion, I know the BBC is pretty weak minded but if I cannot express myself on a 'Topical' magazine show then why bother having me here?  You know what I'm like.  I still can't believe anyone was even watching this hunk of shit.  The only reason this show is here is because of a complete lack competition.  I'd hate to know that Top Gear was getting shared with a plate of microwavable curry.  Do I still get paid?"

Mr. Clarkson's comments could end up with him facing prosecution and eventually see him sentenced to a crime.  "I've done a crime now have I," spouted Clarkson, "It's not my fault you lot can't take a joke, but if you need an apology then I suppose I'll give you one along with the BBC."  The BBC has yet to apologise with any sincerity and the whole affair has wound up turning into yet another attack on the Prime Minister.

"I didn't say anything," claimed David Cameron during a berating at the hands of Philip Schofield, "Just because I know someone doesn't make them my responsibility.  I know people hate Clarkson because he is rich but you're worth a fair few million and he brings in a hell of a lot of revenue for the BBC.  Just because you're on a morning chat show doesn't make you one of the people Schofield.  If Clarkson wants to talk like an arse that should theoretically be his problem.  I will say that his comments were silly, foolish and should not have been given repeated airtime.  That is what Top Gear is for and he should know that."

Calls for Clarkson's removal from television screens have been wide spread.  "There have been many good arguments as to why we should sack Mr. Clarkson," explained director general Mark Thompson, "But the thing is that he makes us loads of cash, and so we can get away with offending people by repeating the story over and over.  It's all great publicity, even if it isn't entirely newsworthy, at least people now know The One Show exists."

Whatever may happen it is thought that the reruns will be continued for at least the next twenty four hours until interest in the story fades with many irate viewers planning sit outs at their local post office to get their complaints into Television Centre on the first post.  If you want information on where your nearest Clarkson Loathers Against Profanity sit out is taking place, simple ring 118 118 and ask for the CLAP.

New Sitcom A Complete Failure

by Shaky Parkinson

Go Team!!!

New sitcom "Banter with the Newbies", has plummeted to the bottom of the ratings after a sterling seven minute broadcast.  It appears the forced humour and appalling lead character have finally brought about a realisation that Britain is no longer the world's comedy forerunner.

The comedy was the brainchild of iPod Accessory Salesman Mike Gleeson, who was thrilled at the reception, "All in all I think things went well.  My style is certainly an acquired taste and seven minutes beats any personal goals.  Fingers crossed for a second episode."

Critics have been raving wildly about the show with the Daily Mail saying, "This is the worst thing that has ever happened."  The Sun were a bit kinder and ran with, "Complete shit."

The Radio Times have been at the forefront for a campaign into getting the show banned from television screens.  "Only a tosser would watch it," they write, "Let's hope Gleeson can play video games better than he can write comedy."

This debacle has led to much needed questioning about the BBC's current comedy output.  "You've got to hit rock bottom before you realise you have a problem," claimed Mark Thompson, "Now we know things have to change we've instantly commissioned a further ten series of Little Britain and are planning a spin-off show of My Family centring around Baby Kenso.  Poor Gleeson, he means well but he just hasn't quite got it right.  I spoke to him over a game of Fifa and although he found the situation hard to grasp I think he'll pull through."

Strictly Gets Mildly More Interesting

by Shaky Parkinson

In a bid to make its 11.5 million viewers feel something other than stark emotional boredom, the BBC's flagship entertainment show Strictly Come Dancing has upped its raunchiness factor in a bid to do justice to it's title.

The trial run of smut was held last Saturday but unexpectedly caused record amounts of complaints for a family show of its kind.  The focus of the attention was laid at the hips of Robbie Savage, whose Jackoesque style hip thrusting was deemed far too excitable for the older generation and far too inspirational for the younger.  When told that this dance was an exact copy of the original groove laid down in the hit 'Bad', a mass CD burning was held at the Southwark branch of Age Concern, while Royal Mail saw a tripling in workloads.

"I've already got a dodgy shoulder," claimed Postman Pat, "And what with Christmas round the corner my work load isn't getting any easier, especially with all these complaints flooding my route.  I don't even have any room for Jess anymore, the poor bugger has to stay at home watching Cash In The Attic.  I say we should pull both the shows and send Bruno Tonioli to the moon in a big rocket."

"I've even written to the BBC," he continued, "Complaining about the number of complaints they are getting and to do something about it but they just wrote back complaining that I was a time waster and that they were aware of the problem.  I've been doing this job for a while now and I've never known a more pointless whinge than this."

It seems that Savage's hip thrusting wasn't the only thing getting the public hot under the collar.  Nancy Dell'Olio's leg spreading also proved unwelcome, a view that was sadly reflected in the final phone in vote with the BBC's new raunchy angle getting voted out in the final dance off.

"I couldn't believe it," claimed Granny Scroggins, "In fact I still don't believe it.  I think the BBC is disgusting for letting such an old lady getting her vag out on television.  You could see it all and frankly that was too much."

"I agree with what she said," said Albert Nearingit, "You don't know the kind of pressure old people are under to constantly complain about the most trivial matters.  I hate Strictly Come Faffing but you can't hit the bingo hall with that attitude.  The last person who slagged off Len Goodman ended up in a skip and I don't like skips."

Despite wide coverage of the negative reception of last weekend's show there has also been a surprisingly high trend of positive feedback for the show's new angle.  "I love a bit of leg," winked Lord B. Dover, "Now think of my enjoyment when I got a bit of upskirt action thrown into the mix.  I almost spilled my champagne."

BBC Director General, Mark Thompson, was enthusiastic about the show's progress, "More complaints mean more people watching and if most of those people aren't complaining then that is probably good.  What I'm saying is that complaints mean things are good, not bad and that when things are good then they are for the most part discouraged.  I think that's right."

"Don't these people have lives," piped up Skip Dump from the Michael Jackson and Nancy Dell'Olio Appreciation Society, "Why waste your time complaining about such a dull show as Strictly Come Dancing when there are far more important problems in the world.  Surely their anger would be better used complaining about Hollyoaks or why Nancy didn't get a job judging the X-Factor.  Some people."

"Family show my arse," claimed one loud mouth, "I've not watched a program with the kids since Jordan had her reality show cancelled.  Now that they have Xbox's and unlimited Internet porn I hardly ever see them.  A bit of smut might be the thing needed to get this show ticking all the right boxes."

Today's complaints have sadly forced the BBC to once again bend over backwards and cater to a minority who are unable to work their television remotes and cancel any proposed plans to make the show even the slightest bit entertaining.  Strictly's creator Fenia Vardanis is saddened at the fact that such promising ideas as the Alesha Dixon Strip-off and the Craig Horwood face smashing will have to be scrapped.

No doubt this weeks controversy will quickly blow over and viewers will be able to settle back into their preferred viewing patterns before the Strictly Christmas DVD clogs up retail outlets throughout the land in the cumming weeks.