Tennant And Osbourne To Duel

by Shaky Parkinson

Flagship BBC program The One Show was forced off the air this evening when an argument broke out between Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osbourne and Royal Shakespeare Company operative David Tennant.  As is their want the BBC have already apologised for the incident but the fight seems fit to continue as the pair don swords in a duel to be held at dawn.

"Financial grants to cows."

The conflict arose moments after the Chancellor ended his discussion about the Coalition's latest environmental scheme to reduce Britain's CO2 emissions by awarding financial grants to cows if they cease flatulating.

Despite staff claiming that the Chancellor 'Appeared stressed' and was 'Looking very pale' he openly discussed the scheme as well as claims about back bench opposition to the proposal, "The scheme is a doozy.  Really top notch thinking, and we've got our best guys on it.  Clegg, Cable, the whole team and the MP's who are opposing this strategy need to think in the long term if Britain is going to help combat global warming. People elected us so we would resolve the economic problems left to us by the previous government but we've gone one step further by altering every facet of daily life in our bid to assist the nation."

Further observations that the Chancellor looked 'Vacant and emotionally ignorant' failed to dampen his spirits as he left the studio during the broadcasting of a Springwatch 2013 segment to join fellow guest David Tennant in the green room where minutes later raised voices were heard.  Eventually the banging and smashes alerted security who broke into the barricaded room to find the couple rough housing amongst a pile of empty Celebration Wrappers.

Tennant moments before the fight.

"Backwell back in 2008."

"We got them apart as quickly as we could," commented Security Officer Mick James, "But they were at each others throats. Galaxy Truffle this and see you on the battlefield that.  I haven't dealt with anything this nasty since Len Goodman and Bruce Forsyth threw down over a cherry bakewell back in 2008."

"The pair were flustered," claimed presenter Matt Baker, "And we just want to apologise to our viewer for the incident.  Thanks to my Blue Peter first aid training I was able to treat David's bruised ego and the Chancellor's ever reddening cheek before matters got out of hand."

Although staff were unable to discover a cause for the hostilities Tennant was eager to protest his innocence as the pair were calmly lead from Broadcasting House, """I'M INNOCENT!!! DOTH NOT THE EYE SEETH TRUTH IN ME??? HISS HISS HISS!!!""" while a more animated Osbourne was furious at the incident, "Boys will be boys and this is nothing more than a bit of light improv that got out of hand. Still no matter how the delivery a challenge is a challenge," but when asked to elaborate neither party could offer any further explanation although runner Claire Hutching witnessed the argument from outside the green room.

"I couldn't hear much through the overacting," she claimed, "But it seemed that there was a dispute about chocolate, which was followed by a lot of swearing and things being thrown around before I distinctly heard the word 'duel' and 'twat' being repeated a number of times.

Osbourne's duelling gonks.

This comment was later confirmed when Tennant released a press statement claiming, """GEORGE OSBOURNE IS NO MORE A SNOB THAN I AM A THESPIAN!!!  AND WE SHALL BE DUELLING TO THE DEATH COME DAYBREAK!!!"""  Downing Street also delivered a similar announcement that stated 'Chancellor Osbourne has accepted the challenge of a duel and will comply with all the requisite procedures required in its undertaking'.

"Duels are to be fought."

Parliamentary tradition dictates that all duels are to be fought at first light upon the waters of the river Thames overlooking the Houses of Parliament and in good faith the palace has offered the royal duelling barge to act as the customary vessel.

Royal duelling barge.

What with Osbourne's 2nd grade fencing award from Magdalen College and Tennant's extensive use of stage props bookies are saying that a Tennant death would prove unfavourable as would an Osbourne win and are therefore refusing to give odds on either opponent but wish both the combatants unanimous condolences.

BBC will be broadcasting the event from 4.30am with kick off at 5.08 after opening coverage from Adrian Chiles and Sue Barker.  You can also follow the proceedings on twitter at #twatfight.

Local Radio Finally Deemed Useless

by Shaky Parkinson

The BBC have announced they plan to cut all funding to local radio after an internal report has dubbed it "Useless".  It is thought that abolishing local radio could be the saviour to the BBC's lavish spending.

"We're in a state," claimed Director General George Entwistle, "What with Doctor Who, excessive waste and my new bathroom to pay for we just cannot rely on the License Fee anymore.  We need more cash and it seems axing local radio is a sure fire way to unsure we can fund another series of Strictly Come Dancing."

The report delved deeply into the BBC's biggest expenditures and when crossed referenced with a second report into the corporation's most boring and expendable assets, local radio came out as the largest target.

"Everyone will agree."

"We've always known it's utterly pants," continued Entwistle, "Deep down I think everyone will agree.  Crop formations in Norwich, swimming pool closures in Lincoln, is this really what people want?  Is it bollocks, it is what cynical dullards want, normal morons want another series of The Voice and we're going to give it to them."

Backlash was swift and unobtrusive with numerous walkouts going unnoticed across the North East.  "We are a highly valued and loved broadcast," claimed Damphrey Spludge of weekly Doncaster gardening program Tickhill Tilling, "We have a ten strong fan base and the BBC should not be so quick to dismiss them."

"Think of the children?" cited Lemington mother Carly Clump, "How am I supposed to know if my daughter's school is closed during the winter? I doubt the coverage will be as comprehensive if the job goes national."

"Thumbs down Benny's Bottom."

Ben Bennington was quick to voice his outrage with a morning moan on his Swindon based radio show Benny's Breakfast Burp.  "The people need us, the people love us and you can be sure as ship that I'm not going back to hospital radio after this.  I'm making a real difference.  We cannot compete with mass genocide and global recession but the Wiltshire Downs can yield their fair share of air rescue stories.  These cuts get a thumbs down Benny's Bottom of ten."

Many organisations have protested the cuts such as Mickey Rourke (No not that Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler one) of former secret society D.E.A.T.H. (Dude's Expecting A Tenth Hell), "Entwistle has no idea about the potential disaster he is unleashing onto our streets.  With local radio gone these Deejays will be let loose on hospitals, street corners and low-rent social clubs and who knows what chaos they will unleash.  THE WAR IS COMING!!!"

Commercial radio stations such as Oxfordshire's Jack FM were quick to be praised for their superior content.  "Thank fuck someone has finally levelled some budget cuts their way," they commented, "It makes you sick to see over funded and over produced shows put together sub-standard output. It might make competition easier with them gone but it doesn't fill anyone with enthusiasm for the medium.  Here at Jack we give people apposite output that they will enjoy.  The general public don't want stories about sheep farming they want Phil Collins and Duran Duran."

"Local radio is a thing of the past," concluded Entwistle, "In this climate of streamlining and recession there is no place for rubbish except on our flagship channels."

Dickhead's Can't Win Tennis

by Shaky Parkinson

Today's Australian Open semi-final between Novak Djokovic and Andy Murray has laid down definitive proof that Dickheads are unable to win tennis.  It seems no matter how hard the Scottish tennisman played, he was unable to claim victory because of his inability to smile due to a severe affliction.

It is thought that the amount of people suffering with Dickheaditus is on a rise across the globe and the number of people infected rose by one million percent over the holidays alone.  Experts say that the current statistics are worryingish and that without a cure the problem may soon turn into a pandemic.

Professor. John Professor of Edinburgh University has been leading a pioneering study into Dickheadology (The Study Of Pricks) over the last two years and his team have already made substantial discoveries in the field.

"Dickheads are everywhere," explained Professor, "They run our banks, invade our pop charts and spout out blosh from our television sets.  We have also discovered that the 'Dickhead' mindset is highly contagious and usually targets children under the age of twenty."

He continued, "If we look at Andy Murray in particular we can see the advanced stages of the disease at work.  He has lost all semblance of sportsmanship and elegance while filling up to the brim with impatient anger.  All these traits manifest themselves most strongly when he is put up against stronger competition in the latter stages of high ranking tennis championships and his defeat today is a clear demonstration that being a Dickhead means you can never truly be a winner."

Posing egomaniac McIntyre.

"Although this may not always be the case.  If we look at the likes of Michael McIntyre, Ricky Gervais and Martin Freeman we can see a high level of success in their chosen field.  We call this strain of the disease 'Mystifying'.  In such cases we see an adaption of the disease's binary code to the industry in question that causes fellow sufferers to become ignorant to the effects and subconsciously encourage a distinct increase in degradation in all the participants. This is called homing and in many cases certain industries have become so infected with Dickheads they are beyond help.  We know it and Ricky Gervais knows it that deep down he is a Dickhead but without a cure this poor man is doomed to suffer forever."  

Professor and his team of researchers have been working under hazardous conditions in some of Britain's biggest corporations to obtain data they hope to implement in a cure and next weeks publication will reveal the extent of their successes.

"I'll be blunt with you, it isn't looking good," sighed research assistant Stephen Poliakoff, "We've already tried re-commissioning additional episodes of Hustle to take over Sherlock's Saturday night time-slot.  Along with this we've also offered a thumbs up to Rafael Nadal and tried shooting Chris Moyles but nothing seems to have worked.  The current strain of the virus is proving immune to our best efforts and a more rigorous program is needed.  With that in mind a firebombing of Coronation Street and Albert Square have been scheduled for Saturday but with the disease already progressing to such an advanced state our research might prove worthless."

"If Dickheaditus is not stopped the British public will never see a home grown Scotsman take home the prize," shouted Professor, "This virus is crippling and needs fighting.  Without a cure there are thousands of people walking the streets unable to think straight, muster up a creative thought or even act with civility and that is a scary thought."

An in depth report into the disease will be running on BBC One on Monday between the evening News and The One Show.

Doctor Who Found In Hampshire Cupboard

by Shaky Parkinson

Fans of the long running debacle that is Doctor Who will be wetting themselves to the discovery of two missing episodes in a private collection in Hampshire.  Terry Burnett bought the prints at a school fete thirty years ago and until an encounter with Head of Heritage at the Radio Times, Ralph Montagu, was unaware of the goldmine he was sat on.

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" commented Burnett in a phone interview, "I've been struggling with the rent for years and I haven't eaten anything except baked beans on toast for several.  They haven't lost their appeal but I could really go for a cheeseburger.  With this windfall I might be able to get myself three or even four Big Macs."

The prints that date back to 1965 and 1967 will help fill the gaps in a number of scattered plots such as why was the show recommissioned and the creative motivation behind a time travelling Police Box.  "One of these episodes was the second in a four part serial that has until now been greeted with confusion and more confusion," claimed Terry Peckins, a loner from Stratford, "These episodes are the missing links all us fans have been waiting for to create some understanding as to why we have wasted our lives watching such an outdated over budgeted load of crap.  Finally we'll have answers."

It seems fans might have to wait a little longer for the release as negotiations between Burnett and the BBC move into their fifteenth day.  "It'll cost 'em," chuckled Burnett, "So far we are stuck on £800,000 and a free License Fee for life but I'm pushing for a million and that's still only half the budget for the last series so we're all winning."

The missing Fish People in all
their technical brilliance 

Either way it seems the television show will be hitting even higher ratings than before when the new episodes are broadcast while the amount of news coverage has brought forth other collectors from hiding.  "I've got ten complete unaired series of Crossroads that I found in a bin outside Jane Rossington's house if anyone wants them," claimed hermit, Joe Whereabouts.

"My prized possession is a lost episode of Coronation Street," claims archivist Polly Pocket, "It's the one where Deirdrie and Gale get bludgeoned to death by Ken Barlow but are miraculously saved when a world famous brain surgeon nips into the Rover's for a quick pint.  It was discarded when the producer's decided to go with the Richard Hillman storyline as they thought it would be what the audience wanted.  I've been quoted huge prices but it is staying on the mantelpiece with my Eldorado prints and my Robert Kilroy Silk cutout from Shafted."

It is thought the lost episodes will be airing on Christmas day and are expected to generate over ten billion viewers.

Jeremy Clarkson Complaints Replayed For Millions

by Shaky Parkinson 

Zillions of complaints have poured into the BBC demanding an end to the insulting comments made by Jeremy Clarkson on yesterday's edition of The One Show.  Mr. Clarkson stated that all public sector strikers should, "Be taken out and executed in front of their families," and the comment has generated huge amounts of public anger when it was picked up by BBC News 24 and played on a constant loop throughout the day.

"I'm really outraged," claimed Nosey Parker, "First I had to write in to complain about Mr. Clarkson and his tirade of filth, then I had to complain about the fact the BBC kept repeating it.  I've been offended over seventy times today by the same event and I'm furious.  I've been down to the post office several times already and God knows the queues don't get any shorter.  Does the BBC think I'm made of stamps?"

"I could do without this shit," claimed BBC complaints manager, Derrick Whinge, "We've just found out about a glitch in the new Frozen Planet DVD where David Attenborough says 'fuck' so things are pretty hectic around here without another Clarkson comment piling up the work.  I still like Top Gear."

"His comments hurt deep," claimed administrative worker Daniel Dumps, "And having to see them being played over and over again just adds salt to the wound.  I went striking in good faith but to realise that I had done so mistakenly was just too much to bear.  I'm going to load up my air rifle and take it into the front garden as per Jeremy's suggestion and do the right thing."

"The public sector workers in this country are privilege to some of the best pensions in the world," claimed Father Chris Mass, "You're not the only ones getting a pay freeze.  At least you teachers are doing a job you bloody enjoy.  If I have to explain God's motives for another dead three year old I'm done.  The rate my profession is going I'll be lucky to retire on anything more than a weekly helping of bread and incense."

"Unfortunately we live in a democracy," remarked Clarkson, "It's my opinion, I know the BBC is pretty weak minded but if I cannot express myself on a 'Topical' magazine show then why bother having me here?  You know what I'm like.  I still can't believe anyone was even watching this hunk of shit.  The only reason this show is here is because of a complete lack competition.  I'd hate to know that Top Gear was getting shared with a plate of microwavable curry.  Do I still get paid?"

Mr. Clarkson's comments could end up with him facing prosecution and eventually see him sentenced to a crime.  "I've done a crime now have I," spouted Clarkson, "It's not my fault you lot can't take a joke, but if you need an apology then I suppose I'll give you one along with the BBC."  The BBC has yet to apologise with any sincerity and the whole affair has wound up turning into yet another attack on the Prime Minister.

"I didn't say anything," claimed David Cameron during a berating at the hands of Philip Schofield, "Just because I know someone doesn't make them my responsibility.  I know people hate Clarkson because he is rich but you're worth a fair few million and he brings in a hell of a lot of revenue for the BBC.  Just because you're on a morning chat show doesn't make you one of the people Schofield.  If Clarkson wants to talk like an arse that should theoretically be his problem.  I will say that his comments were silly, foolish and should not have been given repeated airtime.  That is what Top Gear is for and he should know that."

Calls for Clarkson's removal from television screens have been wide spread.  "There have been many good arguments as to why we should sack Mr. Clarkson," explained director general Mark Thompson, "But the thing is that he makes us loads of cash, and so we can get away with offending people by repeating the story over and over.  It's all great publicity, even if it isn't entirely newsworthy, at least people now know The One Show exists."

Whatever may happen it is thought that the reruns will be continued for at least the next twenty four hours until interest in the story fades with many irate viewers planning sit outs at their local post office to get their complaints into Television Centre on the first post.  If you want information on where your nearest Clarkson Loathers Against Profanity sit out is taking place, simple ring 118 118 and ask for the CLAP.

Strictly Gets Mildly More Interesting

by Shaky Parkinson

In a bid to make its 11.5 million viewers feel something other than stark emotional boredom, the BBC's flagship entertainment show Strictly Come Dancing has upped its raunchiness factor in a bid to do justice to it's title.

The trial run of smut was held last Saturday but unexpectedly caused record amounts of complaints for a family show of its kind.  The focus of the attention was laid at the hips of Robbie Savage, whose Jackoesque style hip thrusting was deemed far too excitable for the older generation and far too inspirational for the younger.  When told that this dance was an exact copy of the original groove laid down in the hit 'Bad', a mass CD burning was held at the Southwark branch of Age Concern, while Royal Mail saw a tripling in workloads.

"I've already got a dodgy shoulder," claimed Postman Pat, "And what with Christmas round the corner my work load isn't getting any easier, especially with all these complaints flooding my route.  I don't even have any room for Jess anymore, the poor bugger has to stay at home watching Cash In The Attic.  I say we should pull both the shows and send Bruno Tonioli to the moon in a big rocket."

"I've even written to the BBC," he continued, "Complaining about the number of complaints they are getting and to do something about it but they just wrote back complaining that I was a time waster and that they were aware of the problem.  I've been doing this job for a while now and I've never known a more pointless whinge than this."

It seems that Savage's hip thrusting wasn't the only thing getting the public hot under the collar.  Nancy Dell'Olio's leg spreading also proved unwelcome, a view that was sadly reflected in the final phone in vote with the BBC's new raunchy angle getting voted out in the final dance off.

"I couldn't believe it," claimed Granny Scroggins, "In fact I still don't believe it.  I think the BBC is disgusting for letting such an old lady getting her vag out on television.  You could see it all and frankly that was too much."

"I agree with what she said," said Albert Nearingit, "You don't know the kind of pressure old people are under to constantly complain about the most trivial matters.  I hate Strictly Come Faffing but you can't hit the bingo hall with that attitude.  The last person who slagged off Len Goodman ended up in a skip and I don't like skips."

Despite wide coverage of the negative reception of last weekend's show there has also been a surprisingly high trend of positive feedback for the show's new angle.  "I love a bit of leg," winked Lord B. Dover, "Now think of my enjoyment when I got a bit of upskirt action thrown into the mix.  I almost spilled my champagne."

BBC Director General, Mark Thompson, was enthusiastic about the show's progress, "More complaints mean more people watching and if most of those people aren't complaining then that is probably good.  What I'm saying is that complaints mean things are good, not bad and that when things are good then they are for the most part discouraged.  I think that's right."

"Don't these people have lives," piped up Skip Dump from the Michael Jackson and Nancy Dell'Olio Appreciation Society, "Why waste your time complaining about such a dull show as Strictly Come Dancing when there are far more important problems in the world.  Surely their anger would be better used complaining about Hollyoaks or why Nancy didn't get a job judging the X-Factor.  Some people."

"Family show my arse," claimed one loud mouth, "I've not watched a program with the kids since Jordan had her reality show cancelled.  Now that they have Xbox's and unlimited Internet porn I hardly ever see them.  A bit of smut might be the thing needed to get this show ticking all the right boxes."

Today's complaints have sadly forced the BBC to once again bend over backwards and cater to a minority who are unable to work their television remotes and cancel any proposed plans to make the show even the slightest bit entertaining.  Strictly's creator Fenia Vardanis is saddened at the fact that such promising ideas as the Alesha Dixon Strip-off and the Craig Horwood face smashing will have to be scrapped.

No doubt this weeks controversy will quickly blow over and viewers will be able to settle back into their preferred viewing patterns before the Strictly Christmas DVD clogs up retail outlets throughout the land in the cumming weeks.