Youth Not To Blame For Youth Unemployment

by Shaky Parkinson

Today's attacks on the government were leveled squarely at the failing economy that isn't failing but just slow and the fact that youth unemployment rose to over a million.  It seems a pampered and spoilt generation of youngsters are finding it difficult to muster up the strength to look for work.

"It's shit right," claimed one Claimant, "The government is all full of rich tossers and I can't even afford the latest Call of Duty game.  There's jobs out there man but that's not right, I wanna be rich and all that but I ain't serving coffee or nuffin'."

"He's right, jobs start way to early, I can't handle it," agreed his Friend, "Scanning barcodes and puttin' change in a till is just beyond me, they don't teach you anything useful at school man.  I'm not qualified to be intelligent."

The Office For National Statistics said the job rate hit 8.3%, which was more than it had been at some point previous to that.  People in the North East were getting screwed more than them in the South East.  The unemployment rate is the highest since 1996 with the total number of unemployed being the highest since 1994.  The number of woman out of work jumped from 49,000 to 1.9million that was the highest since 1988 and the number of people in work was down on the quarter by 197,000.  "It's a mess," stated Employment Minister Chris Grayling.

"I've looked over the statistics and frankly I'm shitting my pants.  They've got graphs, pie charts and all sorts, it's not looking hot.  Let's face it, the ONS have dropped the ball on occasion with their percentage of babies being named after David Beckham survey being woefully incorrect but even I can tell this looks bad.  People are yelling and there's a lot of whinging going on and frankly that usually spells disaster for someone and looking around it could be me."

Local drug circulator Dennis Fartbum spoke out about his outrage at the situation, "It's outrageous, those poor young kiddies, not being able to work.  It breaks your heart.  How are they going to keep up with their Ford Fiesta payments on job seekers?  And what with the booze and fag taxes going up what sort of example are we setting?  A bad one I think you'll agree."

Not agreeing was Shopkeeper Laura Elle, "I sell flowers.  Young people don't know what flowers are.  Therefore employing them would be a mistake.  I'll speak honestly.  I don't want some glue sniffing ill-mannered moron ruining my business when I can employ someone older and a little bit smarter.  I tried running a work experience placement to get some of the kids into the feel of things but I left one of them with a few telephone orders and he got confused when I told him it couldn't do a text.  They have no one to blame but themselves."

It is the thought the population increase is to blame with a higher proportion of idiots coming out strong during mating season.  "It's the ugly ones that breed," claimed Social Expert Doug Ross, "When you've got nothing to lose there is no expectation and a sheer willingness to procreate.  All the pretty people are so stuck up their own egos they haven't the time to have babies.  It's all very sad.  This trend towards idiocy could well bring about an end to our current civilization.  By my reckoning we'll be fucked into Armageddon by 2017."

"They're not all bad," stuck up Ed Miliband, "The Youth have just been misunderstood, it isn't their fault, it's the Tories.  They've done something bad and look at the results."

"There are a few good ones out there," continued Ross, "I can name at least thirty good young people.  If the ONS are correct and my trust is still shaky after that Apocalypse 2010 debacle then there maybe more.  It is just easier to spot the useless ones."

As the debate rages through Parliament and Cameron musters up the strength to live through another day, questions are still being asked as to why he has failed the youth of yesterday and today and tomorrow.