"We believe in people being given everything they want as long as it means we look good and get to stay at the top," said Ed Balls, "Everyone is pissed off that they are loosing cash because of the mess left by us the last Labour government so despite it being completely unfeasible we have decided to promise that we will reverse as many of these cuts as we can. We're not them, we're New New Labour which is really new."
It appears the majority of cuts to be reversed will magically benefit people from strong Labour backgrounds and areas or indeed any potential vote. "I think people have to believe what we say and that means we have to be very careful about what we say," stated Balls in a Radio 4 interview.
According to Balls, "Britain is crying out for a better way," and that "He would not be making any irresponsible promises," he simply said, "We'll see you all on the lawn outside the pearly gates and it will be heaven with Labour."
"Tossers," remarked David Cameron, "You put on a damn tie and your public enemy number one. What is wrong with these morons, I bet half the people whinging voted for this mess in the first place. These cretins all see me as some sort of rich snob, well here's a truth, I see them as a bunch of greedy simpletons with about as much brain capacity as a melted dildo. If you want to throw our country down the shitter because of a bit of discomfort then go fuck yourself. I'll get on the blower and tell Oxfam to pull the plug on their latest advertising campaign."
"Whatever people disliked about our last term in office then that is what we will probably not do, and that's a certainty, which is probably better than a promise. Just vote for us and find out," finished Balls.
News Guff must state it has always been the beacon of impartiality and no amount of bribes or free Caramacs will change that. Eat Caramacs they're grrreeeeeeaaaaaat!
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