Miliband Contracts Labouritus

by Shaky Parkinson

Fears were confirmed today when Labour Leader Ed Miliband was diagnosed with Labouritus.  Reactions of shock and dismay rattled through the party with some MP's going as far as to take their own jobs.

Symptoms were noticed earlier today when Miliband was unable to recall the forerunner for the Scottish Labour Party Leadership.  During the press conference with BBC's Westminster Correspondent, Tim Reid, Miliband was unable to bring the name of party favourite Ken Macintosh MSP to mind amidst his droll babblings.

"Labouritus is a serious affliction," claimed Dr. Foster of Gloucester Royal Infirmary, "It is a rare disease seemingly afflicting any head of the Labour Party.  It usually takes a few months to make itself known but once it does it can seriously affect speech, appearance, public image while leave serious scars on any political career.  There is no official cure but experiments into charisma are proving successful.  In the meantime we advise Mr. Miliband to stay indoors away from all video and audio equipment and if at all possible to take a vow of silence until the General Election."

Other politicians have not fared well in the face of Labouritus.  Former Number Ten occupier, Gordon Brown suffered from the disease for his entire term in office.  "It was a gruesome case," continued Foster, "By the end he was nothing more than a walking ball of hate and filth.  Mr. Brown had a rare strain of the rare disease.  The only thing that kept him alive was a self-loathing public who were greedily bent on self-destruction.  Once that got taken away from him he was done for."

"We've seen it all before," commented Mr. Mister of Royal College London, "First it's a wrong name then you're on the streets slagging off the electorate.  Then come the abuse allegations and by then it's all over.  The whole thing is very sad and we hope Mr. Miliband can pull through and be able to live a purposeful life."

Ed Balls had this too say, "It's a bit of a shock.  We weren't expecting this until after Christmas.  He's done his best and laid the groundwork but we'll begin the transition and start getting things changed at the top.  The Docs have given him nine months, which was very, very kind of them.

Miliband has already seen a number of specialists but so far the prognosis is unanimously bad.

Gordon Brown Jumps On Ethics Bandwagon In Bid To Be Remembered

by Shaky Parkinson

Former country wrecker Gordon Brown has today attacked News International over its "Disgusting" methods, "Ruthless tactics," and links to the "Criminal Underworld."  "I'VE been out of the limelight for a while and MY PR team said I should attack something big and this seemed the best candidate," the MP stated off the record, "I AM totally willing to rape the notion of ethics if it gets ME and MY POOR, POOR, ill son into the papers."

Asked what he thought about the phone hacking scandal he said, "It is outrageous and disgusting, but enough about that let's talk about ME.  You know they had MY bank details, MY details, it is a disgrace at the way MY personal information can be shared around without any regards to the consequences."  The rest of his mumbling about "Unlawful tactics, Milly Dowler and ordinary citizens," went unheard as our reporter was usurped by a man claiming to be himself.

Further questioning about his administration's dependence on spin journalism and his own alleged media abuses, Brown concluded the interview and ran out of the building, he later claimed, "In tears," but failed to make the exit after slipping on an ID card brochure.

Ed Miliband was quick to defend the MP by whoring himself out to the press with a visit to the Dowler family home.  Amidst winks at the assembled photographers he brought the now meaningless 'D' word into effect and demanded that the Tories sort out, "Justice for them," and that, "Action should be taken on a broad range of issues."

Asked to elaborate Miliband started sweating, blamed the Tories and ran out of the house to hide behind a nearby newsagents.  David Cameron was quick to respond with gritted teeth to say his heart, "Went out to Gordon and Sarah Brown."

Many detailed investigations, reports and investigations are already underway with a delighted Whitehall making many enthusiastic trips to the stationary cupboard.