Fifty Shades To Be Classified A Gateway Book

by Shaky Parkinson

After extreme pressure from the NHS, Oxford University and numerous Parent Teacher Associations the Government has today reclassified Fifty Shades Of Grey as a Gateway Novel.  The change comes on a day Birmingham man Gordon Fluck found his stranded mother-in-law spread eagled naked in an incorrectly assembled sex swing in her home in Solihull.

"I was just nipping over to drop off some shopping and make sure the carers had been round," he cringed, "Then the unpleasantness happened.  I'd have fainted had it not been for her Christian Grey t-shirt.  You see I married one hell of a minger, you know the story, one night stand, bun in the oven, game set and match, so you can imagine my disgust at finding my 92-year-old mother-in-law danglingly six ways from Sunday from the lounge ceiling.  The books were everywhere and quite obviously to blame."

"Their pants."

"We have to make a firm stance on this decision," cited David Cameron, "This Government has to be seen to be making a stand on this matter.  Too many lives are being ruined and we hope that with this labelling people will take their hands out of their pants and listen to the dangers facing them."

E. L. James.

Author of the multi-bajillion selling book E. L. James has defended her fortune saying that, "My novel is not poorly written and has given hope to many woman throughout the world.  Without my reader's daily fix of Grey they will not be able to escape the drudgery of their pitiful lives and this classification is going to make a serious dent in that appreciation."

Last week saw a 700% increase in STI's, workplace affairs and hardware sales up from 544% for the month ending August.  The trend in literature experimentation has also brought about a new type of book group where the use of rope and handcuffs have added to the surge in dedicated Fifty Shades Admittance Lines that are now springing up in most major hospitals.

"One guy had it."

"The impact this book is having on our countries infrastructure is massive," claimed Doctor Foster of Gloucestershire Royal Infirmary, "We've seen more chocking, insecurities and broken penis's than I care to relate, although I will say that it's been loads and one guy had it totally bent off.  If Britain wants to survive the next few months the smut has to stop.  A healthy wank inside or outside of a relationship is a good release for the building of hourly tension and I would advise people take precautions to avoid surrendering themselves to Fifty Shades at all costs."

A Fifty Shades addict.

He continued, "With Fifty Shades of Smut, manface James is targeting vulnerable individuals who have probably got some serious Stephanie Meyer experience under their waists to begin with and from their it's only a stepping stone to something harder.  I enjoy a bit of Dan Brown like the next person but I indulge in moderation.  So if you want to see your friends and family shitting themselves in some alley while jacked up on Christian Fundamentalism leaflets praising L. Ron Hubbard and James Patterson as gods then go ahead and buy them the complete Fifty Shades trilogy."

Experts at Oxford University have spent time analysing the text with shocking results.  "What we've found is disturbing," claimed researcher David Fake, "The make-up of this gateway book is a deeply addictive mixture of self pity, laziness and emotional gluttony bonded to a massive string of twattiness.  With Twilight fan fiction of this potency coming from such a bizarre middle aged woman the effects of over exposure could potentially result in loneliness, weight gain, ugliness, cats and excessive masturbation to teenage vampire films.  This creation is sick and we support the Government's decision to alert the public to its dangers."

"This woman's perverted."

"This is just another case of some deranged connected nut case inflicting her talentless agenda upon the world," claimed PTA member Glenda Dale, "Why should the general public be made to play psychiatrist to this woman's perverted insecurities?  In my opinion today's decision is not tough enough and frankly I think all copies of the book should be liquidated and replaced with the works of P.G. Wodehouse so that people can appreciate some good old fashioned right wing frolics and none of this terribly written mess."

Alexander Skarsgard xxx

Despite James' exposure of the British public as sexually repressed perverts, experimentation is on the rise and if rumours are to be believed, the casting of Alexander sex face Skarsgard in the title role of the upcoming film adaption could cause an even bigger surge in poor literacy publishing.

This coupled with the soon to be released Fifty Shades Of Gay, a novel about two homosexual writer's who recite a semi-autobiographical account of their office smuttery that develops into dangerous intensity alongside their quest of topping the UK book charts, could see Britain enter a new age of imagination.

London 2012 Logo Finally Deciphered

Local mini cab driver Abdul Shabesh will go down in history today as being the first man to decipher the London 2012 Olympic Logo.  When an unmarked envelope arrived at Wolff Olins brand consultancy in May 2007 the enclosed illustration was seen as a solution to deadline problems and creative blockage and has since caused global speculation as to its true origin.

While catching up on some 'me' time it seems Mr. Shabesh accidentally stumbled upon the answer to the enigma that has had the entire globe confused and angry.  "I was sat in the taxi rank outside Paddington waiting for the Saturday night dregs to puke themselves onto the street when I looked down at the sports section and saw it staring back at me," he claimed at a press conference earlier this afternoon, "Once I'd seen it the pieces clicked together to read '2012'.  I was shocked but if you look really really really really hard you'll just about be able to see it."

"Someone cracked."

Shabesh's discovery has instantly sent ripples through the academic world landing many intuitions in hot water, notably Keble College's Dr. Anthony Plank who has come under strong criticism after his fifty million pound study into the logo was made instantly redundant by Shabesh and his broken mini cab tail light.  "He got lucky," blagged Plank, "The foundations were well in place and it was only a matter of time before someone cracked the Olympic Code."

Conspiracy Theorists were unhappy.  John Crunge of information network S.P.O.C.K (Silent Persons Of Credible ilK) was quick to denounce Shabesh and his findings, "This is clearly a cover up by the IOC.  Are we seriously to believe that a West London mini cab driver is cleverer than the boffins at every university on the planet?  This whole 2012 excuse is flawed at best.  The logo resembles something far more abstract and confusing than a few numbers, and once the truth is revealed the world will quake beneath its own feet."

Shabesh's epiphany stop.

Shabesh's discovery hit the world in more ways than one when a public information leaflet explaining his discovery quickly became the nations best seller and histories most sort after pamphlet.  The literary world was also eager to tap Shabesh's celebrity status as Dan Brown emerged with a statement claiming that Shabesh will be helping him co-write the next Robert Langdon outing entitled 'Oi Limp 'Ere'.  "The book will be set in the historical East End of London," claimed Brown, "The plot will follow Langdon as he navigates the shallow depths of the Docklands Light Railway in search of a mystical cult called the Olympian's after one of its members kills a good friend of his only minutes before he is due to give a seminar in nearby King's College.  It's gonna be lucrative."

"Filthy image."

Despite wide spread shock and adulation there has been much discontent levelled at Shabesh and his logo.  "I've had to see this filthy image everyday for years and it's still a pile of shite," cited commoner Joe Bloggs, "Now that the truth is out I'm even angrier.  This Shabesh chappy should have kept his mouth shut.  We're already running 100% over budget at $28billion so I didn't really need to know that this £400,000 logo wasn't a secret code to hidden treasure gifted to us by aliens but a snatch and grab by a greasy consultancy firm.  At least you could ignore the magic, but this is hideous."

Whatever the response, ticket sales and anticipation for this months games are as misguided as ever with extended gasps of excitement being heard throughout the city in the run up to the opening ceremony on 27th July.