UK Prepares For Mid-Week Sickie

by Shaky Parkinson

Extreme weather warnings from the Met Office have caused employers to expect a huge rise in absenteeism in the coming week.  With the country heading into a yellow warning due to an increase in temperature in the stratosphere the UK could expect an excuse of -2C freezing, causing minimal amounts of ice and slush to hit the roads.

"It's the weather we've been waiting for," claimed Daniel Pierce of the Met Office, "Personally I found a damp cloudy Christmas wasn't good enough, so it is with belated joy we can claim that in the coming days we are expecting roughly 5cm of snow to fall on the highest points in the UK that will result in a fatal sleet and slush combo in most low lying areas.  With the recent global warming figures hot off the press we will happily be debunking any doubting farts by braving all in our thermals for a snowball fight at Henley Golf Course at a prompt 6am start on Tuesday morning."

"We can to make sure."

The Highways Agency were quick to reassure the public by stating, "There is enough salt for us to see out the winter.  However, the chips might be a problem with the findings of a contaminated potato storage lock up in East London.  We are doing all we can to make sure that the public get what they need to help them through this potentially exciting time."

Science?

Despite the reassurance of Government and institutions alike the public flew straight into panic mode with supermarkets undergoing a rush for booze, snacks and reduced mince pies.  "It's been chaos," spoke supermarket greeter Richard Ace, "The beer aisle is completely empty and we're running desperately low on Jacob's Creek.  As for crisps you won't get a pack of Walker's this side of Leicester."

The chance of a five day weekend also fueled the firebombing of a grit depot in Maidenhead, which saw a score of workers badly burned with salt in their wounds.  To coincide with the holiday ITV also underwent a massive scheduling change by advertising a mid-week Harry Potter film marathon that has left next Saturday's evening programming open to perilous amounts of Ant and Dec.

"Further."

"We're practically slaves," claimed one Scottish retail worker, "These company's just want more and more from you, they don't regard you as people and abuse your generous nature and hard work to reduce staff and exploit you further.  They may be able to take our health, time and freedom but they will NEVER TAKE OUR WEATHER!!!"

Prediction of Monday's rush hour.

Despite widespread enthusiasm many skeptics have come out to argue the statistics such as London banker Rectum Will, "The general public have once again shown themselves to be a pack of fools.  I'd like a day off as much as the next person but false optimism is not the answer.  We all know that the Met Office have proven time and time again that they cannot actually predict the weather beyond a shaky seven minute time frame and if people want to risk their jobs on loose findings then that is up to them.  What with the huge levels of anger, frustration and aggression being furthered by corporate rape and a failing economy we need to plough on regardless of these issues."

Other critics were also vocal on the subject but having given them one paragraph we thought that covers us and so the country waits to see if Monday's hangover will be as easy to manage as they hope.

Poverty Stricken Proletariat Praise Gold Post Box Scheme

by Shaky Parkinson

Royal Mail's plans to give 44 of their boring old red post boxes a golden makeover in celebration of Britain's Olympic successes has been met with huge support from the general public.

"It's amazing," claimed Margery Spling of Leek, "It's about time our needs were being catered for and we have Anna to thank for it.  Her protests in the rowing really put her name and views on the map and we have already started to see a change.  Now all we need is for the banks to pick up the cause and we'll be fine."

Overwhelming support has put pressure on Royal Mail to extend the scheme nationwide so that even the remotest parts of the United Kingdom will be able to reap the compensation they deserve after paying for the event itself.

"It's not an ideal form of payment," noted Arthur Grout of Wilmslow, "But it's a start.  We just want to see the scheme go national so us here in Wilmslow who were too busy paying our taxes to train anyone up for the games can get the repayments we are owed.  Those Olympic street prancers didn't come cheap and the quicker our post box can get its golden upgrade the quicker we can settle our overdrafts."

Others were less enthusiastic about the plans with Danny Bulok of Oxford on hand to express his views, "We may not have won any medals, or paid much attention to the games and come to think of it I'm still unsure what the Double Sculls is but it's been a good week now and we've not seen a single Golden Post Box materialise anywhere in the city.  This is just another way in which Royal Mail are skimping on costs to line their pockets instead of giving the money back to the people who deserve it."

The Postal Community was quick to respond to the allegations with postman Billy Feck claiming, "I'm from Northern Ireland and we didn't win shite, deal with it.  These golden boxes won't change anything and the misconceptions surrounding the scheme are causing us many problems.  I for one am not happy at the looks I've been getting on my round from the numerous crowbar wielding thugs that litter the streets.  We at Royal Mail understand times are tough but gold-spray paint is hardly a budget breaker."

The scheme suffered a major set back when Lymington Publican Ben Ainslie in attempting to instill peace into the community by spraying the town's local post box gold incited a riot and was arrested after seven people suffered fatal encounters.  "I was just trying to help," sighed Ainslie, "This whole thing has gotten out of hand.  Since when did celebration become a crime."

An announcement from Royal Mail that the post boxes would only be in place for a one month temporary period sparked further aggression and rioting across the UK and with Paralympics starting next week it is thought the unrest will continue well into September and possibly the month after that.

Chinese Whispers Gets Out Of Control

by Shaky Parkinson

After a recent investigation by Scotland Yard's Technological Detectives Unit a culprit for last weeks rioting has been identified.  The widespread riots that caused chaos in London and other leading cities across England resulted in the death of four men and billions of pounds damage to businesses and the economy.

It seems that the origin of these terrible events can be traced back to the social networking site Facebook.  In particular one single message posted on the morning of 6th August by Tommy Collins that read, "Cereal's lonely, need milk from the shops."

It seems this catalyst triggered a serious case of Chinese Whispers that brought the country to the brink of Civil War claimed Scotland Yard's report.  "As usual events such as these always have a starting point," claimed DC Piggins, "Mr. Collins was unfortunate that his little quip was the catalyst for the worst case of Chinese Whispers ever to grace our country.  We've never seen anything like it.  The story just didn't come full circle.  Those poor cornflakes."

The report states the confusion as instant, with Collins' bit on the side Sally ('In A Relationship With') instantly heading to Top Shop for, "A ruckus of epic proportion."  Things went from shit to chaotic when Sally's message to her chum down in Croydon claiming she was, "Just nipping off for a quick loot," was mistakenly passed on as, "Free stuff and riots in town, BRING FIRE!!!"

From then on a chain reaction of University friends and old school buddies that are their to bump up the numbers caused widespread miscommunication, "On an epic scale of epical epicness," continued DC Piggins, "Facebook really isn't the place for stupidity.  Look at what can happen when one moron mistakes the ravings of a quirky maniac.  It's a wonder the country is still standing."

Social Networking Specialist Peter Dullard had this to say, "This is a freak occurrence.  There is always the off chance that a rogue trail of Chinese Whispers could break free and evolve into an unstoppable train of shit, but that is no reason to blame social networking.  Please don't blame it, without it I won't have friends."

"This goes beyond the normal cock jokes around the table and the silly billy antics of pass the parcel," stated David Cameron, "This is a level of miscommunication only previously experienced in trying to recite the alphabet whilst pissed or in a Coen Brothers' flick.  With the Blackberry culture booming there was no way of stopping the whisper.  I'm just happy with the police's reaction to the riots or maybe not, depends how the press want to swing it."

I spokesperson from Specsavers said, "They should have gone to Specsavers."