Teenager Arrested After Childline Number Mix-up

by Shaky Parkinson

18-year-old teenager Kerry Ann Moate was arrested today after she repeatedly dialed the 999 emergency services number thinking it was the contact telephone address of the charity Childline.  Moate was said to have misdialed the number 756 times over the Christmas weekend and will most likely face a jail term for her actions.

"Dangerous and insufferable."

Superintendent Paul Fullwood of Cambridgeshire Police said, "This behaviour is clearly dangerous and insufferable.  Not only does it take a moron to realise that Childline would not have the same operating number as the entire countries emergency services but who dials a wrong number twice?  It seems the breakdown in her family life has left this girl without the ability to feel embarrassment or guilt and so we think the best place for her is prison."

Moate was brought before Huntingdon Magistrates' Court yesterday, charged with being thick and wasting everyone's time after police traced her telephone and placed her under arrest.  "I don't know why I did it," sighed Moate, "It's like I couldn't stop myself.  I don't know."

"Dickhead."

The silent calls were placed on Christmas Day and on Boxing Day and were said to have caused massive disruptions to the under staffed Christmas Temps.  "Didn't this little girl get any presents or a even a lump of coal?" claimed one unenthusiastic individual, "Even a lump of coal would have burnt for a few hours and kept her mind focused.  I know the Christmas scheduling was duller than a flattened pot of squash but that's no excuse for being a dickhead."

After admitting to the crimes Moate was relased on bail and will be sentenced in February.  "It was an easy decision," claimed Foreman George Foreman, "She was ugly so we wrapped things up by lunch and had plenty of time for some lean mean fat reducing grilling on my wonderful new lean mean fat reducing grilling machine."

Editorol: It's Chris

Morry Chris from teh News Geff Tem!!!  Horroah!!!

It's Chris!!!

Timmy Mallet Lookalike Found Dead In Timmy Mallet's Lounge

by Shaky Parkinson

A body has been found in the home of television presenter Timmy Mallet in the early hours of this morning.  The victim is thought to be 90-year-old Timmy Mallet lookalike Timothy M. Allet and police are treating the death as confusing.

"This certainly is a unique case," said Chief Inspector Kevin Wheatley, "There was no blood at the scene and no disturbances, but the victim had suffered huge internal hemorrhaging caused by a repeated beating with a soft instrument.  We have yet to locate the murder weapon but we believe the item to be a replica Mallet's Mallet as the original was under lock and key at the time and a full investigation is in progress."

The shock discovery occurred this morning after Mallet's annual 'Lookalike Thank You Bash'.  Mallet discovered the body himself while sipping some coco on the way to his painting studio.  "It was utterly brilliant," he sighed, "I was off to paint another masterpiece because I do actually have some talent, when I stumbled over the body of poor Timothy."

Wanted in connection with the
attack.

He continued, "I thought everyone had left hours ago.  We were partying pretty hard, as is our custom, but I can't imagine anything like this happening.  Prank calling Martina Navratilova at half one is a good six hour step from murder and we broke things up at four so I don't know how this could've happened.  Then again Timothy pissed off a lot of people.  He had enemies."

It seems the deceased had borrowed from numerous loan sharks in a desperate bid to float his gambling debts while simultaneously being tried for defrauding a number of large businesses over dodgy accounting.  It is also thought that he had invested heavily in black market bonds and was blackmailing a number of key Politicians as well as selling military secrets to foreign business executives.

"As far as we can see there is no motive for the killing," continued Wheatley, "This seems to be a spontaneous attack of rage probably caused by a spilt drink or ill-aimed joke.  All we can say is that the circumstances surrounding the death are comical and a full investigation is in progress."  

Allet, who is most noted for appearing in a number of episodes of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here as a stand in for Mallet who was off sick with freckles will not be missed and our thoughts cannot be with his loved ones because he sold them all into slavery many years ago.

"We Did It. We Fucking Did It".

by Shaky Parkinson

America's struggle for a Middle Eastern flag show has at last come to an end and been rewarded with success.  American forces were forced into armed action when their petition for a flag parade was denied nine years ago.  Since then there has been 4,000 American causalities along with hundreds of billions of civilian deaths.  The highlight of the conflict came when flag hater Saddam Hussein was killed in 2006, yet that didn't see an end to the bloodshed.

It has taken the Americans and no one else a further five years of petitions and attacks to secure their desired end.  "This is a special day," claimed first lieutenant flag bearer Jimmy Wave of Idaho, "Damn today is special, we did it, we fucking did it."

"It's been a struggle," spoke Barack Obama in a conference earlier today, "Damn it's been a struggle, but we did it, we fucking did it.  No one will ever live in fear of waving a flag around again.  Things will never be the same again.  Fuck yeah."

"This has been a long time coming," claimed General Dennis Leader, "We thought we had it back in o-6 when we hung that bastard and his tunnelling shenanigans.  I remember our flag being brought out and placed on his toppled statue and by fuck it looked good, but five minutes later it was gone and until today we've dreamed of showing it off properly."

Despite the apparent success of the operation in Iraq there has been criticism.  "This parade has cost our country trillions of dollars and frankly it's sloppy," claimed political critic John A. Noid, "I'm all for a good parade but the lack of professionalism and motivation behind the ceremony seems to have gone by unnoticed.  The twirls were lacking and frankly made a mockery of our entire nation and I'm sure I saw a mustard stain on the flag.  I'm very very very upset but at least we did it, we fucking did it."

"There's been sacrifices that's true," continued Obama, "There's been death, trouble, more death, but if that isn't worth fighting for then the word loses all meaning."

Whatever the future holds for flag parades in the Middle East it is clear that this venture has proven wildly successful and it is thought that when the global economy has stabilised another flag parade will be planned.

Doctor Who Found In Hampshire Cupboard

by Shaky Parkinson

Fans of the long running debacle that is Doctor Who will be wetting themselves to the discovery of two missing episodes in a private collection in Hampshire.  Terry Burnett bought the prints at a school fete thirty years ago and until an encounter with Head of Heritage at the Radio Times, Ralph Montagu, was unaware of the goldmine he was sat on.

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" commented Burnett in a phone interview, "I've been struggling with the rent for years and I haven't eaten anything except baked beans on toast for several.  They haven't lost their appeal but I could really go for a cheeseburger.  With this windfall I might be able to get myself three or even four Big Macs."

The prints that date back to 1965 and 1967 will help fill the gaps in a number of scattered plots such as why was the show recommissioned and the creative motivation behind a time travelling Police Box.  "One of these episodes was the second in a four part serial that has until now been greeted with confusion and more confusion," claimed Terry Peckins, a loner from Stratford, "These episodes are the missing links all us fans have been waiting for to create some understanding as to why we have wasted our lives watching such an outdated over budgeted load of crap.  Finally we'll have answers."

It seems fans might have to wait a little longer for the release as negotiations between Burnett and the BBC move into their fifteenth day.  "It'll cost 'em," chuckled Burnett, "So far we are stuck on £800,000 and a free License Fee for life but I'm pushing for a million and that's still only half the budget for the last series so we're all winning."

The missing Fish People in all
their technical brilliance 

Either way it seems the television show will be hitting even higher ratings than before when the new episodes are broadcast while the amount of news coverage has brought forth other collectors from hiding.  "I've got ten complete unaired series of Crossroads that I found in a bin outside Jane Rossington's house if anyone wants them," claimed hermit, Joe Whereabouts.

"My prized possession is a lost episode of Coronation Street," claims archivist Polly Pocket, "It's the one where Deirdrie and Gale get bludgeoned to death by Ken Barlow but are miraculously saved when a world famous brain surgeon nips into the Rover's for a quick pint.  It was discarded when the producer's decided to go with the Richard Hillman storyline as they thought it would be what the audience wanted.  I've been quoted huge prices but it is staying on the mantelpiece with my Eldorado prints and my Robert Kilroy Silk cutout from Shafted."

It is thought the lost episodes will be airing on Christmas day and are expected to generate over ten billion viewers.

Wind Turbine Blown Over By Strong To Moderate Wind

by Shaky Parkinson

With force gales and hurricane offshoots ravaging the Orkney Islands one would think that times were good for people who own windmills, but Mr. and Mrs. Ketchup of Kirkwall would disagree with that statement as their newly installed £15,000 wind turbine was blown over during the night.

"It was tragic," sobbed Mrs. Ketchup, "I got up this morning and it was freezing and it wasn't until I opened the fridge, I saw that the entire contents had gone off overnight.  None of the appliances were working and when I looked out of the window I saw the new turbine lying embedded in the mud."

It is thought the incident occurred somewhere between ten minutes past one and eleven minutes past one with a fifteen second difference given for magnetic alteration and a sighting of the event by local drunk Hamish McHamish puts the incident at eleven clock tomorrow night.

"It was windy," attempted McHamish, "Very windy, well more a moderate breeze.  There was this big ball of light.  I was taking in the air and it just went.  Went.  Gone, poof bye.  Tragic."

"That's modern engineering for you," sighed Mr. Ketchup, "Utter tat.  Two week's I've had that and look at it now, rubbish.  You wouldn't get this with a coal burner, even they're back in fashion now.  I just do not understand the modern world.  Truth be told I was against the whole thing, bloody wind has never done me any good so why would it start now?  I say fuck the planet, it obviously don't want our help.  Pass me that insurance form."

Panic has quickly spread to neighboring towns and in the last seventy-two hours wind turbine shares have fallen steadily and are absolutely worthless to anyone.  "We couldn't let this happen to us could we Carl," puffed Carl's wife, Mrs. Carl, "Once one has gone down then it is best to panic and turn the gas back on, I'm not taking any risks."

Today's events have left a community shocked and stunned and shocked again and it may take decades for the Ketchup's to recover from the loss of such a large sum of money.

Frodo Makes It To Mt. Doom

by Shaky Parkinson

After nearly three months in the wilderness Frodo Baggins has been seen climbing the summit of Mount Doom.  This comes on a day when Sauron's forces raided Ilthilien, slaying roadside traders and causing millions of gold pieces in damage.

Frodo was sighted this morning just after elevenses sat on a ledge muttering to himself but when our Ringwraith in the Sky, Danny, swooped in for an interview he fled into hiding and hasn't been seen since.  We weren't able to ascertain the whereabouts of Frodo's man servant Samwise Gaygee but it is hoped he has perished somewhere in the wastes of Mordor.

This is the first contact made with the travelling Hobbit since his iPhone was discovered in the possession of an Orc Captain at the Black Gates.  Frodo's last tweet that read, "Sam's bitching again, hearing voices, could really do with a pint," caused growing concern since its publication as the duo haven't been seen or heard from since they entered Shelob's layer.  It was widely thought that they had perished at the hands of the giant spider but today's news will act as hope for millions, as the onslaught on Osgiliath moves into its fifth day and eternal darkness seems inevitable.

As he was taking off to cover the afternoon traffic around Minas Tirith Danny did see a skinny figure slinking his way up the mountain in an odd manner.  It is believed that the figure was none other than mass serial killer Gollum who has been wanted with the authorities for several years in connection with a number of unsolved murders in the Gladden Fields area.  The fishy circumstances surrounding the deaths have been linked with Gollum's M.O. and the Police are treating him as a key suspect in the investigation.  They have also advised any persons coming into contact with the creature to contact them immediately as he is extremely dangerous and is liable to bouts of extreme mental aggression and treachery.

Image taken from F.Baggins'
Facebook profile.

Speaking with renowned conjurer Gandalf the White, the Guff was able to glean this quick outburst, "I'm not taking any interviews.  No comments."  When asked if he had sent the Hobbits to their doom he was quick to respond, "I'm afraid I cannot answer that question, you'll have to take it up with my lawyers.  Leave me alone, you cannot pass."  We were unable to gather any more information and an official statement is being released.  At present it is believed that Gandalf is held up in his two million gold piece apartment overlooking the city and is unavailable for comment.

Ours, as well as the thoughts of all Middle-Earth are with the hairy footed bugger and we are all rooting for him to not fanny things up and that he will return home soon.

Pandas Inflicted Upon Scotland

by Shaky Parkinson

At 7am this morning staff at Edinburgh Zoo were startled to find two caged Pandas by the back door.  It is unsure about how the Pandas got there but were quickly brought in and given a clean bill of health by the staff vet.

"I hate seeing animals being abandoned by their countries but we've done all we can for them now," claimed head vet William Paws, "As far as we can see they seem to be adjusting well, but then again they are Pandas so you can never really tell."

Zoo CCTV has been unable to identify the culprits and there have been no witnesses other than a sighting on Prince's Street by Angus McTosh, "I was sitting down to my evening drink when all of a sudden these Chinese lads came rushing past cheering and yelling.  Then again I was sat on the junction to Waverley Bridge and they could've been the kitchen staff from Jimmy Chung's on a post dinner rush celebration."

"We've been unable to identify a single member of the terrorist organisation," claimed head keeper Mark Furry, "The surveillance equipment simply shows fifteen young people dressed in black wheeling up the cages and bolting.  The attack took little more than a minute and they cunningly wore balaclavas to avoid being noticed.  You'd think a seven hundred thousand pound security system would have picked up something?  It's just horrific to see such attacks in this day and age.  What the hell are we going to do with a pair of Pandas?  They are completely useless."

When asked for comments the Chinese Ambassador for Britain, Liu Xiaoming commented, "It appears that Edinburgh Zoo has been victim to a serious breach of animal welfare and my thoughts go out to all the Keeper's and penguins."

Mr. Xiaoming was keen to deny accusations of his Governments involvement, "We love Pandas and would never think about hurting them in anyway, much less abandoning them.  The City of Edinburgh should count itself lucky it has such wonderful creatures being gifted to them.  The Scottish climate and natural bamboo crop is a perfect place for these majestic animals to be and we should all be taking the positive from this event."

Despite these claims FedEx has stepped forward claiming that they have clues to the Pandas origin.  "It says here that the Panda's were sent special delivery from China last night on the FedEx Panda Express and signed for by a Mr. Smith at Edinburgh Airport at 11pm last night," remarked FedEx Customer Service Operator William, "The bill was paid for using PayPal if that helps but there final whereabouts are completely unknowable."

Either way it is thought that until the rightful owners of the Pandas can be found Edinburgh Zoo will display the couple in a bid to gain fortune from the incident.  "We've taken a serious blow as a zoo and all we can do now is whore out the creatures to the gawping public and try and flog some Panda toys in the mix.  They might as well be doing something useful until we can get them off our hands."

Either way crowds are already flocking to the capital for a glimpse at the animals with an estimated ten billion people to pass through the city in the next three days.

Jeremy Clarkson Complaints Replayed For Millions

by Shaky Parkinson 

Zillions of complaints have poured into the BBC demanding an end to the insulting comments made by Jeremy Clarkson on yesterday's edition of The One Show.  Mr. Clarkson stated that all public sector strikers should, "Be taken out and executed in front of their families," and the comment has generated huge amounts of public anger when it was picked up by BBC News 24 and played on a constant loop throughout the day.

"I'm really outraged," claimed Nosey Parker, "First I had to write in to complain about Mr. Clarkson and his tirade of filth, then I had to complain about the fact the BBC kept repeating it.  I've been offended over seventy times today by the same event and I'm furious.  I've been down to the post office several times already and God knows the queues don't get any shorter.  Does the BBC think I'm made of stamps?"

"I could do without this shit," claimed BBC complaints manager, Derrick Whinge, "We've just found out about a glitch in the new Frozen Planet DVD where David Attenborough says 'fuck' so things are pretty hectic around here without another Clarkson comment piling up the work.  I still like Top Gear."

"His comments hurt deep," claimed administrative worker Daniel Dumps, "And having to see them being played over and over again just adds salt to the wound.  I went striking in good faith but to realise that I had done so mistakenly was just too much to bear.  I'm going to load up my air rifle and take it into the front garden as per Jeremy's suggestion and do the right thing."

"The public sector workers in this country are privilege to some of the best pensions in the world," claimed Father Chris Mass, "You're not the only ones getting a pay freeze.  At least you teachers are doing a job you bloody enjoy.  If I have to explain God's motives for another dead three year old I'm done.  The rate my profession is going I'll be lucky to retire on anything more than a weekly helping of bread and incense."

"Unfortunately we live in a democracy," remarked Clarkson, "It's my opinion, I know the BBC is pretty weak minded but if I cannot express myself on a 'Topical' magazine show then why bother having me here?  You know what I'm like.  I still can't believe anyone was even watching this hunk of shit.  The only reason this show is here is because of a complete lack competition.  I'd hate to know that Top Gear was getting shared with a plate of microwavable curry.  Do I still get paid?"

Mr. Clarkson's comments could end up with him facing prosecution and eventually see him sentenced to a crime.  "I've done a crime now have I," spouted Clarkson, "It's not my fault you lot can't take a joke, but if you need an apology then I suppose I'll give you one along with the BBC."  The BBC has yet to apologise with any sincerity and the whole affair has wound up turning into yet another attack on the Prime Minister.

"I didn't say anything," claimed David Cameron during a berating at the hands of Philip Schofield, "Just because I know someone doesn't make them my responsibility.  I know people hate Clarkson because he is rich but you're worth a fair few million and he brings in a hell of a lot of revenue for the BBC.  Just because you're on a morning chat show doesn't make you one of the people Schofield.  If Clarkson wants to talk like an arse that should theoretically be his problem.  I will say that his comments were silly, foolish and should not have been given repeated airtime.  That is what Top Gear is for and he should know that."

Calls for Clarkson's removal from television screens have been wide spread.  "There have been many good arguments as to why we should sack Mr. Clarkson," explained director general Mark Thompson, "But the thing is that he makes us loads of cash, and so we can get away with offending people by repeating the story over and over.  It's all great publicity, even if it isn't entirely newsworthy, at least people now know The One Show exists."

Whatever may happen it is thought that the reruns will be continued for at least the next twenty four hours until interest in the story fades with many irate viewers planning sit outs at their local post office to get their complaints into Television Centre on the first post.  If you want information on where your nearest Clarkson Loathers Against Profanity sit out is taking place, simple ring 118 118 and ask for the CLAP.

Laptops Possibly Damage Sperm

by Shaky Parkinson

Scientists have today claimed that any exposure to laptops will have a significant effect on Men's sperm.  It is suggested that after only four hours of contact to a miniature computer there is a significant increase in the amount of detrimental activity to the sperm.

"This isn't fact," stated scientist, Carl Ponders, "We're just questioning the idea.  We've also tried clamps, footballs and badly co-ordinated offspring and the results have all proven to have a great impact on the male reproductive organs.  So the results are pretty much open to interpretation but we reckon we're right.  Plus we have to look to be doing something."

Scientists were vague as to which element of the laptop was the cause of the activity but it is assumed that it has something to do with the Wi-Fi access enjoyed by the devices.  With every square inch of the globe being covered with wireless Internet it seems Men are at greater risk from dying sperm.

"It could well be the Wi-Fi," commented Ponders, "It could also be the sitting position, the batteries or simply an increase in the amount of flip case induced injuries.  It's really all factual speculation."

"I'm hugely worried about the effects global Internet access and portable computers will have on my willy and gubbins," claimed concerned laptop user, Jason Cummings, "I spend 27 hours a day on my computer and I'm not that good with the ladies.  This could mean a new career change for a lot of people."

"It's all bollocks," chuckled laptop enthusiast Danny Strokes, "Having a laptop isn't damaging my sperm, just my screen, am I right?  I use my laptop all day every day, even while I'm shitting and I can assure you it has no negative effects on my sperm, although the repetitive usage can cause arm ache.  Regardless of any scientific studies, being able to lounge on a settee ten feet from my desktop PC is sweeter than Jesus and just like my laptop I'm buzzin' like a bee after a blow job."

The studies will be furthered at length until the year 2015 by which time the conclusions will be irrelevant, outdated and absolutely no use to the general public.

Jamie Oliver Enjoys Waffling

by Shaky Parkinson

In the same week that Britain's females have been labelled the 'Fattest' in Europe, Jamie Oliver is hard at work attacking the Government for its alleged breaches of nutritional law in schools.  The Chef has claimed that because new Academies are exempt from the law the Government is letting fast food back onto the menu and eroding all the hard work he has done to make school meals healthier.

"I'll be blunt," claimed Educational Secretary Michael Gove, "Children don't want to eat salad nicoise.  In fact most people don't want to eat salad.  I was stumbling back from the pub the other night and I didn't see a single salad bar open beyond 9pm.  It's a bloody disgrace.  Stop blaming the Government for people's taste buds.  I grew up on fish fingers and I turned out okay.  Those little buggers are grand, all they need to do is hit the park once in a while and not be pampered with Blackberry's at age seven and things will soon right themselves."

"We don't want vegetables," claimed 7TC at Littlewhitton Secondary School in Buckinghamshire, "It doesn't matter how they are cooked they still taste like shit until they are covered in butter and salt.  We'll stretch to some roast potatoes but the difference between them and chips is pretty marginal.  All we want is to sit down for an hour each day and forget the fact we are caged up in this shitty prison and scoff down some pizza and ice cream and Mr. Gove is doing all he can to cater for us.  You see what I did there?"

"Mr. Gove is eroding the laws that we set down over seven years ago.  That was a pukka bit of work for anyone and now he is undermining it.  I love the idea of letting schools do what they want but not if it means making me upset," wept Oliver.

"I can see why Mr. Oliver is downtrodden," claimed Michael Gove, "But try being a minister for a fortnight, I've got to bow to public demand and the demand is gristle.  You can't say schools can do what they want except this, this and this because it makes a mockery of trust.   I like Jamie Oliver, his food is excellent and his portions correctly sized but why doesn't he just drop this damn crusade of his.  He is the only person that wants it.  All schools usually offer healthy menu options and if anyone was that unhappy with their canteen they'd bring a fucking packed lunch.  He's still got two thirds of the country under his grasp, that's better than a kick in the teeth or a seat in Parliament.  We're broke and I'll say it again, fat or stupid, he's made his choice I've made mine, nuff said."

Recent observations have proven that today's pampered youth are only interested in drinking, video games and KFC Mini Fillet's and that alongside their parents are being pushed into a podgy adulthood from an early age.  Unless social mentality changes the Greggs' lunchtime rush will soon become ingrained tradition.

McCann's Cheat On The Press

by Shaky Parkinson

In a press conference today the McCann's have admitted to cheating on the Press.  "It's true," claimed Gerry, "There's been tension for a while and we've been feeling ignored and unwanted for sometime and things sort of happened."

"It was exciting," claimed Kate, "The thrill of the limelight again is too alluring.  The Press will always be important to us but our heart lies elsewhere and it is time to move on and start a new life."

The Press is unavailable for comment but friends say it is devastated by events.  "The Press gave the McCann's the best years of its life," claimed close friends Woman's Weekly, "It makes you sick thinking about how the Press has been treated.  It feels used and dirty."

Bloomsbury Publishing was also quick to defend its colleague, "All the Press wanted to do was help those poor people into the public eye.  They'd be nothing without the Press and now things have gone bad they've just jumped ship and left them holding the blame.  The McCann's are despicable."

"I saw it coming," claimed the McCann's Ex, "They're users and attention seekers.  They've done well for themselves but at what cost to the Press?  I cannot blame the Press, it was in love and fell for the McCann's hard.  They don't even realise the sacrifices it has made for them.  Think of all the thousands of missing children that stayed so because of the Press's commitment to finding Maddie.   Personally I think it was just a ruse to get them into bed, I don't think they ever really loved the Press they just used it."

Although taking the break-up badly the Press has been seen out and about with friends trying to repair the damage done by recent events.  "We'd like to apologise," claimed the McCann's, "But we can't.  We were driven away, first the Press was too clingy and then too distant, we didn't sign up for this.  We just wanted to find our daughter and make a few million on the side.  This is hard for us but we aren't too blame."

Catching To Be Made Into Mandatory Exam

by Shaky Parkinson

In a bid for recognition the pretentious world of sport has deemed fit to fuel its ego by proposing the addition of more tests to the national curriculum.  The patronising souls behind such wonders as the Olympic 2012 games and other such unavoidable catastrophes have set their sights on schools in a bid to push mandatory Physical Education tests upon the nation's youth.

Sports Medicine Specialist (?) Dr Andy Franklyn-Miller has whinged, "No one likes us.  If we made PE tests mandatory in schools it would mean that more children would spend their time doing circuit training instead of all that learning bullshit they do at the other end of the building.  Sport is important and must be made mandatory for all students.  It is the failing of the national curriculum that children are getting fat and if people would just listen to us we could change all that."

In response the National Curriculum stated, "That is all well and good but I'd rather have a bunch of tubby youths running around instead of a bunch of stupid ones.  The fat ones might be unable to leave an armchair but they'll damn well know how too.  If you damn PE teachers would just stop bitching for attention and tried to make PE even the remotest bit enjoyable maybe we'd be open to compromise, but these proposals are stupid, much like our current youth population who need more in the way of learning than they do bad experiences.  More tests would just back fire."

Little Tommy Pity has already
lost ten stone by lifting
plastic rods.

"I think it is absurd," claimed Headmaster Richard Head, "We've already blown the entire years budget on invigilators and laptops.  Our texts books only run up to the year 1988 and the history department has to repeatedly show the pupils the ceiling asbestos as an illustration of modern building controversy because they haven't any other educational materials.  It's a mess, I don't want anymore fucking exams.  We gave them GCSE PE what more credibility do they want.  I blame the parents, pushing their children into such a needless and irritating profession."

Amongst the proposed tests will be activities such as walking, running, squats and being able to put down an Xbox controller.  There are also plans to add throwing, catching and other numerous abilities into the range of exams.

"These tests will be important," claimed PE Teacher Donald Rugby, "We want to stop children getting fat so we are going to distance them from exercise by instilling an even deeper sense of boredom into the subject.  We want PE to be on par with that of Maths and Reading.  We cannot call it English because we have progressed far beyond that but I still think PE is just as important.  If a child picks up a cheeseburger incorrectly they are opening themselves up to potential wrist sprains and injuries.  We're here to help and that is why we need more power and more people to listen to us."

"I've got enough tests," sighed one Pupil, "We haven't done any studying yet because we have to sit so many exams.  I'm in year 10 and I'm still working on my nouns.  PE doesn't even count.  All the PE teacher's at our school are rubbish.  They send us out into the cold to play rugby without showing us the rules and stay inside drinking tea and being angry.  I blame the parents."

It is thought that the slogans 'Stop being fat fatty' and 'It only takes one cheeseburger' have been put forward as possible taglines for the upcoming bid for recognition but with the nations unified dislike for PE teachers running at a constant level of twat it is this reporter's opinion that being a child is going to become a little less interesting.  These really aren't the golden years of your life and if these exams go ahead the sheen will certainly be gone forever.

Inebriated News Guff Editor Cannot operate Keyboard

by Shaky Parkinson (That's me bitches)

Archive image

Journalist and all round arse Shaky P has expectantly delved the depths of online depravity to d o something.  Bad intro wait.  After a night out with the star (Banter, this, baby( renowned fool Shaky Parkinson has managed to successfully get himself home to write this article.

After an all attack with the sniffer dogs and the mongs at the nobgoblin in which the EDitor in Cheif suffered numerous blows to his sobreity and expectations of humanity he was let loose on the public to sigh and mourn their loss as a species.

When asked for a comment I had this to say, "When the wind blows and the moon tides, let peace be your symbol and this staement be your fool. "

Asked to elaborate I was forced to come up with, "The darkness reigned, in the forest deep where the wolves cry of sadness and th e thoughts of the groove can be marred with bad intention and why the fuck am I listneing to the Gloomy Galleon theme from Donkey Kong 64.  Eerie stuff.  ON THIS DAY BEHOLD.  FOR BEHOLDING IS PROBABLY A WORTHWHILE BUSINESS AND SUCH.  The caps lock was intentional."

Archive image, camera was buried
underdeath tv so make do

It seems the perveyor of wit has come up trumps and forgotten any such witty dialogue as his once active imagination was able to prcess.  He is now left with tiredness, shame and confusion, although a spellcheck free article is a blessing in disguise.  The fake glasses and moustache aren't fooling anybody.

"I'm sure this coul've been better," shrieked Shakiy from within his own subdued concious, "This joke is good but the execution is pants," he typed, "Stop fucking things up hands, make with the funny and all that."

It is thought that although crtical (my god this spelling might cost me the whole joke (and yes I've had to change a fair bit))SHaky will rapidly recover after a bit of nap and some good thiking, although it is this reporters opinion that upon rereading this mound of shite the lack of coherent thought and correct spelling will cause him much aggrivation.  Let's hope this joke is readable.

Youth Not To Blame For Youth Unemployment

by Shaky Parkinson

Today's attacks on the government were leveled squarely at the failing economy that isn't failing but just slow and the fact that youth unemployment rose to over a million.  It seems a pampered and spoilt generation of youngsters are finding it difficult to muster up the strength to look for work.

"It's shit right," claimed one Claimant, "The government is all full of rich tossers and I can't even afford the latest Call of Duty game.  There's jobs out there man but that's not right, I wanna be rich and all that but I ain't serving coffee or nuffin'."

"He's right, jobs start way to early, I can't handle it," agreed his Friend, "Scanning barcodes and puttin' change in a till is just beyond me, they don't teach you anything useful at school man.  I'm not qualified to be intelligent."

The Office For National Statistics said the job rate hit 8.3%, which was more than it had been at some point previous to that.  People in the North East were getting screwed more than them in the South East.  The unemployment rate is the highest since 1996 with the total number of unemployed being the highest since 1994.  The number of woman out of work jumped from 49,000 to 1.9million that was the highest since 1988 and the number of people in work was down on the quarter by 197,000.  "It's a mess," stated Employment Minister Chris Grayling.

"I've looked over the statistics and frankly I'm shitting my pants.  They've got graphs, pie charts and all sorts, it's not looking hot.  Let's face it, the ONS have dropped the ball on occasion with their percentage of babies being named after David Beckham survey being woefully incorrect but even I can tell this looks bad.  People are yelling and there's a lot of whinging going on and frankly that usually spells disaster for someone and looking around it could be me."

Local drug circulator Dennis Fartbum spoke out about his outrage at the situation, "It's outrageous, those poor young kiddies, not being able to work.  It breaks your heart.  How are they going to keep up with their Ford Fiesta payments on job seekers?  And what with the booze and fag taxes going up what sort of example are we setting?  A bad one I think you'll agree."

Not agreeing was Shopkeeper Laura Elle, "I sell flowers.  Young people don't know what flowers are.  Therefore employing them would be a mistake.  I'll speak honestly.  I don't want some glue sniffing ill-mannered moron ruining my business when I can employ someone older and a little bit smarter.  I tried running a work experience placement to get some of the kids into the feel of things but I left one of them with a few telephone orders and he got confused when I told him it couldn't do a text.  They have no one to blame but themselves."

It is the thought the population increase is to blame with a higher proportion of idiots coming out strong during mating season.  "It's the ugly ones that breed," claimed Social Expert Doug Ross, "When you've got nothing to lose there is no expectation and a sheer willingness to procreate.  All the pretty people are so stuck up their own egos they haven't the time to have babies.  It's all very sad.  This trend towards idiocy could well bring about an end to our current civilization.  By my reckoning we'll be fucked into Armageddon by 2017."

"They're not all bad," stuck up Ed Miliband, "The Youth have just been misunderstood, it isn't their fault, it's the Tories.  They've done something bad and look at the results."

"There are a few good ones out there," continued Ross, "I can name at least thirty good young people.  If the ONS are correct and my trust is still shaky after that Apocalypse 2010 debacle then there maybe more.  It is just easier to spot the useless ones."

As the debate rages through Parliament and Cameron musters up the strength to live through another day, questions are still being asked as to why he has failed the youth of yesterday and today and tomorrow.

Staff Memo: News Guff Annual Winter Picnic

Dear Staff,

Thanks for coming out to the Staff do, it was one of the best we've had.  I'm not sure the Foie Gras Trifle was necessary Robbins but the thought was much appreciated even if the response was highly insincere.  Sorry about the barbecue but once it got going the steel frame did heat up well and really lent itself to some good cooking and that home made Brandy you brought acted as cracking lighter fuel Jack.

It's a shame the weather wasn't better but once the sun went in things did pick up as you well know what with being there and all.  I have to say that Mr. Collins was an absolute delight and I'm sure he'll make you very happy Jack.  And you were right, he does look like Richard Bacon, it is always good to find an account with a bit of humour.

Enough of that, the main reason for the memo is to give you a quick run down of the damages to the park.  It comes out at an even three grand so I thought we'd go quids in and split it between the three of us.  Although being the main perpetrator of the vandalism I am happy to cover a larger share what with it being subscription month.  I'm sure the News Guff Meerkat is dead by now what with Robbins' contribution to the Lion conservation fund but I just don't have the heart to send back the monthly brochures.

I babble, the damages are as follows:

- One picnic table (Clearly a joint effort).
- Three Dutch Elms (Pricy fuel but incredibly effective).
- One floral display (Although are rearrangement was far superior if I do say so myself).
- A further Dutch Elm (Less said about that the better).
- One Warden's hut (I'll query that one).
- A set of playground swings (Kudos on the 1080).
- Five to thirty bottles of lighter fuel (I lost count).
- Seventeen vacuum cleaners.
- One Vacuum shop manager (We get billed if he isn't found by the seventeenth).
- Two police horses.
- A ceremonial Gavel from the Pickerton wine tasting society.
- A further two Dutch Elms (I get the impression they were following us).
- A replacement pair of flip flops (I have no recollection of the suggestion to attempt the tidal crossing so we're all chipping in).
- A further two Dutch Elms (The more said about that the better).
- Two sets of post-its, one stationary cupboard and a set of unbreakable pens.
- One complete set of patio chairs.
- The front gate of 47 Williamson Drive (I know he deserves it but the bugger is a Judge).
- And three snazzy bakers aprons from the Gregg's factory (They cannot actually prove this one and if we are all in favour of installing them as our official uniform then enough said)

I think that covers it.  I'll take the limo costs out of the petty cash and look forward to seeing you for the Christmas Bash next June.

Champion

Shaky

Campsite Ruined By Mongs

by Shaky Parkinson

St. Paul's new campsite has proven a huge failure with the intended space being taken over by a rabble of mongs.  The campsite was opened a few weeks ago under a new scheme proposed by the Church of England but was quickly over run with smelly beer swigging hippies before the end of the first day.

"I was horrified when we arrived," claimed Tommy Booker, a cash and carry accountant, "I'd booked three nights for me and the family but when we showed up our space had been filled by a half naked drunk man spouting out incorrect political filth.  I've brought up the children with a fairly open mind but the sight of a grown man spitting out the failings of democracy that have been working well for over a thousand years is just too much.  We didn't hang around and I'm disgraced that these fools are aloud outside.  Maybe if we took away the freedom they seem to hate so much we could get away with a bit of state governed killing.  If I want to see stupidity I'll go in there," he fumed pointing to the Cathedral.

Vaguely put.

News Guff tried to track down the leader of the faceless mess but was unable to track down a single soul willing to take responsibility for the protest and our researchers were stumped when they tried to contact the organisation online.

Fortunately we ran into one Protestor who was willing to give us his views on the demonstration. "We're here for the working man," he whinged, "All the politicians have the money and that is wrong, we want some.  Things aren't equal and we want things equal.  Sort of like Communism but like Democracy.  We want equality but as long as everything stays the same right.  It's what we're all about."

When we interviewed a second passionate Fool he had this to say, "If those cunts want a peaceful protest we'll give them one.  This is a free campsite, I'll sleep where I fucking want.  At least I'm not in their bumming God and kids and stuff, what I'm doing is totally rad and cool and you can't arrest us cos' we checked."

Two non-violent protestors
sporting anonymous anarchistic face
masks.

"We never thought things would turn out like this," sighed the Rt Revd. Graeme Knowles, "It was all meant to be taken in good faith but I'm walking around the Cathedral and I'm knee deep in Subway wrappers and shit.  That's not the type of set-up we were aiming for.  We tried being forgiving and people said we were weak, then we decided to get tough and we were being pricks.  Maybe a free Church of England campsite was a silly idea?  Who cares, I'm quitting, there's no way I'm cleaning up this mess."

It is now thought the campsite will stay as it is until the squatters get bored or the cameras find a new focus for attention.  "We don't want another Kowloon Walled City on our hands," claimed David Cameron, "We could always cut off their benefits but that is a risky strategy, these buggers have exploited the weakness's inherent in the Church and Democracy itself, so we may have no other option to turn to Communism and let the Labour Party in.  Shame really, I was doing rather well."

Berlusconi Partied Out

by Shaky Parkinson

Silvio Berlusconi has today announced that he is retiring from politics and stepping down as Prime Minister of Italy.  "I'm exhausted," he claimed from his hot tub, "I've served for too long and I'm partied out.  It's time to step back and let in some new blood.  We should all live by example."

Mr. Berlusconi is Italy's third longest serving Prime Minister with a grand total of nine and a half years service under his belt and at seventy-five has decided to call it quits and lead a quieter life.  "I've been in the partying game for years now and I've seen it all, so I'm going to take my billions of Euros and take it easy.  Just me, thirty hookers and a big mansion in Milan."

He continued, "The government is not like it was in my day.  Things have changed, now it's all recession this and recession that and the whole thing has just left me behind.  I don't feel old, I mean look at me, but I just don't understand these new ways.  It's all a mystery."

"It's about time the randy cunt left," cited one disgruntled Voter, "He's been hoarding all the sexy woman and it's about time some of them were turfed out of the cabinet for us to fondle.  It's just not on."

The BBC's Alan Johnston had this to say, "Mr. Monti could well be the man to take over the rule of the country but I don't think he has that wild streak in him to be a successful Prime Minister.  Blair had his charisma, Bush had his stupidity and all Mr. Monti has is a well versed career counting bank notes and that won't fly with the ladies."

"This is tragic," claimed one Prostitute, "Without Silvio there is no one to pay us loads of money and give us an easy pass into the entertainment industry.  This Mr. Monti sounds like a fruit juice salesman and frankly that isn't the kind of thing we go for.  It's more the money and the parties, but the parties are going to become a thing of the past.  It is very very sad."

Silvio sorting out the G8 summit

Despite certain objections to Berlusconi's resignation the general feeling is that he has outstayed his welcome and that his partying ways were not inclusive of a modern day Italy.  "They were just to snobby and didn't take into account our views.  They just didn't stop to think of the consequences and just kept on partying without any regard to the damage it would do to the country's health," claimed one Partygoer.

Berlusconi is set to resign tomorrow after an intervention took place this afternoon where his closest aids and colleagues gave him a full account of his doings that caused the Prime Minister to break down and admit his lifestyle may be getting a bit much for the cabinet and that it was time to let go.

"I'll be gone but not forgotten," he claimed, "The legend and the hair will live on."

Man Forgets Remembrance Day

by Shaky Parkinson

At 11am this morning the country fell silent to mark the 93rd Armistice Day by paying their respects to the servicemen who have given their lives in the duty of protecting the crown and its subjects.  That is except for Mr. John Buttley of Oxfordshire who totally forgot the day's significance.

Buttley's blunder (As it has come to be known) was brought to the public foreground when he was seen wandering amongst silent pedestrians in Oxford City Centre.  "It was terrible," exclaimed Buttley, "All of a sudden everyone just stopped and lapsed into silent musing.  After half a minute I just assumed that the aliens were here to take over and started checking everyone for Zombification."

Luckily the two-minute silence ended before he could poke anymore eyes out and was quickly told of his error before being smacked in the face.  One victim had this to say, "So I'm standing there right, mindin' me own business and trying to look thoughtful when this pillock comes up and jabs a biro in my eye socket.  I've never known such pain.  I had to hit the stupid bugger, I mean who forgets Remembrance Day?"

"It just slipped my mind," apologised Buttley, "I had a lot on.  The fish tank needed a clean and I wanted to try out some scampi and lemon flavoured Nik Naks and I just forgot.  You would have thought the numerous poppy vendors and British Legion volunteers would have set something in motion but sadly it was a no go. What can I say, I forgot."

"Its a bloody disgrace," yelled veteran army man Major Major, "A grown man forgetting a day of remembrance is akin to shitting on a Royal Mail carrier pigeon.  My poor brother took a bullet in WWII and now he suffers from amnesia and even he managed to get his poppy on.   You expect it of the children because those little buggers haven't learnt about it in the first place but a grown man forgetting something is not on."

Today's incident has gone down in history as one of the most shocking and it is thought that with rehabilitation, therapy and lots of drugs Mr. Buttley will be allowed safely back into the community sometime in the next fifteen years.

"Not This Shit Again," Sigh American Government

by Shaky Parkinson

"We can totally explain that one."

A 5,000 strong petition has been submitted to the American Government nagging them to release proof of the existence of Extra-terrestrials.  The petition was submitted through the 'We The People' website with the endorsement of 17,000 signatories.  The Government responded with a resolute sigh and a decision to up the signature requirement to 25,000.

"There is no evidence for life in the universe," commented space policy expert Phil Larson of the White House, "This isn't the X-files, everyone knows we only play Mulder and Scully on Halloween and even then the costumes aren't great.  There is no proof of the existence of Extra-terrestrials, can you lot please let this one go and find some other meaning in your lives?"

"No," responded former abductee, Skip Millgrass, "They're out there man.  I've got photos man, I can prove it."

"Then why do you need evidence from us?" retaliated Larson.

"Because no one will believe it man, you gotta be in a suit for that shit to fly," stated Millgrass, "That and the photos got lost man, I dunno where but they're gone.  But I know, I 've seen 'em.  What about Roswell?  They said it was an alien."

"The press said it was an alien," claimed Larson, "They also claimed that the recession was over and that one bit them up the cock.  What crash landed in Roswell was top secret and also very very dull and unalienlike."

"Do you think we waste time looking for little green men when the Russians are on the loose?  We've got far more important things to worry about.  The countries up the shitter and you're worried about avoiding an anal probe?  Get some perspective."

"Perspective?  They know man, puff, they fucking know," countered Millgrass.

"Fine," raged Larson, "They do exist, there's millions of them and they are flying all over the place bumming anything that moves and what's worse is that they do it for pleasure.  There's no science involved, its all a big laugh to them.  Will that make you sleep better at night cos' its a load of my mind."

"I told you man, puff, they know.  They got no proof, so that means they can't not exist.  If there were no Aliens then there should be a folder on it or something.  They got nothing."

The debate is set to continue due to the lack of supporting evidence the White House has to back up its claims that the aliens do not exist and it appears believers everywhere will not have their beliefs shaken and the struggle for truth rages on.

"No it doesn't, they don't fucking exist.  Have you taken in a single word I've said?"

Experimental Fireworks Display Causes Mixed Reviews

by Shaky Parkinson

Visitors to Mossfield Stadium in Oban were witness to a spectacular new experimental fireworks display last Friday.  Instead of the usual twenty-minute display of stock explosions, viewers were given a fifty second contained bombardment for the eyes.

At 7pm sharp the entire range of fireworks costing £6,000 were simultaneously set off at once and have since gone down in history as being the most amazing and disappointing feeling a person can experience at the same time.

"It went up like a house on fire that's been filled with gas canisters and glitter," spoke spectator Terrence Cumsack, "Fuck me it was incredible.  It was pretty far out but I'm glad I got to see it.  Although it could have lasted longer."

"It was like daytime," claimed local stylist Jane Frizzy, "My hair was standing on end.  It was something to behold.  Shame it was so short."

"I found the display to be rather disappointing," bitched one Snob whose continued ego driven rant we refused to take down.

It appears the company behind the display, Pyro 1, was under the impression that the general public of Oban wanted an adventurous night out and had brought in their specialist pyrotechnician, Arthur Sparks to try something radical.  The ninety-eight-year-old has been responsible for such delights as the Oldham City Blaze and the Buckingham Palace Dazzle and felt it was time to lend his talents to this year's local event.

"I thought I'd get back to basics," coughed Arthur through his cigar smoke, "I thought we'd put on a lovely pretty display and make it a fun night, but as I was staring at the trigger switch I thought fuck it and set the lot off at once.  I know I blew a lot of money for such a short spectacle but these things happen.  I think everyone secretly wants to see this happen but now they have seen the results I'm sure their curiosity has peaked."

Indeed the crowd was deeply upset about spending their 50p to get into the ground and so a free show has been organised for later in the month.  "I think we gave them their money's worth," claimed Councillor Roddy McCuish, "But they didn't appreciate that little nugget of recession humour, they've been brilliant, everyone was happy to return in three week's time for a second display free of charge and I can't say fairer than that."

"It wasn't too much fun having to tell them that Sparks had gotten a bit trigger happy so we covered things up with an electrical malfunction excuse but they could see through it.  They couldn't believe it was over but who cares, I know you don't you lousy writer, wake up and stop trying to make this piece interesting with a bit of fourth wall humour. Shame on you."

Watching at home on the local Oban Channel 6, Mrs. Sally Hump said, "I thought it was pretty radical and it left a strange feeling inside me.  I'm upset I didn't come."

Mrs. Fred Jenkins who was on security at the show was pleased with the night, "They were in and out in  under five minutes, couldn't have gone smoother.  No messin', no skateboards and no fun.  I've never seen an operation move with such pace and skill."

The free fireworks display will occur on November the 27th at the same location.  Unfortunately Arthur Sparks will be unavailable to manage the show as he is using the day to die of lung cancer and old age.

New Sitcom A Complete Failure

by Shaky Parkinson

Go Team!!!

New sitcom "Banter with the Newbies", has plummeted to the bottom of the ratings after a sterling seven minute broadcast.  It appears the forced humour and appalling lead character have finally brought about a realisation that Britain is no longer the world's comedy forerunner.

The comedy was the brainchild of iPod Accessory Salesman Mike Gleeson, who was thrilled at the reception, "All in all I think things went well.  My style is certainly an acquired taste and seven minutes beats any personal goals.  Fingers crossed for a second episode."

Critics have been raving wildly about the show with the Daily Mail saying, "This is the worst thing that has ever happened."  The Sun were a bit kinder and ran with, "Complete shit."

The Radio Times have been at the forefront for a campaign into getting the show banned from television screens.  "Only a tosser would watch it," they write, "Let's hope Gleeson can play video games better than he can write comedy."

This debacle has led to much needed questioning about the BBC's current comedy output.  "You've got to hit rock bottom before you realise you have a problem," claimed Mark Thompson, "Now we know things have to change we've instantly commissioned a further ten series of Little Britain and are planning a spin-off show of My Family centring around Baby Kenso.  Poor Gleeson, he means well but he just hasn't quite got it right.  I spoke to him over a game of Fifa and although he found the situation hard to grasp I think he'll pull through."

Greece Attempt Suicide, Again

by Shaky Parkinson (It feels lonely in the office, it's like I'm the only one here)

Greek Prime Minister George Papapapandreou has once again sent his country into turmoil with threats of suicide.  Earlier this week George toyed with his country by issuing an abrupt statement in which he threatened to end Greece's life, "I'll do it, I'll take this referendum and end it all.  Just try me."

Luckily Finance Minister Evangelos Venizelos called his bluff by citing the fact that if a mass suicide was implemented George would be partaking of it alone.  After some baby banter George was later forced to take back the threat and secure assurances that his popular idea was not to be acted upon.

"Fuck the world," raved George, "We don't need them or their fucking lies.  This is Greece.  Fuck off.  We'll do what we want, it got us this far."

"I'm not convinced this plan is a good one," butted in Venizelos, "I've been talking to other countries and as far as they're concerned it seems they are unanimously agreed that living is the best course of action and I agree.  I cannot imagine death would prove beneficial to our global standing so I have urged the country to ignore Papa George's ravings.  If we're lucky he'll take the first sip of the punch when we pretend to go along with his 'vision'".

As things stand Greece's official stance on life is positive but only by a slim majority.  With the upcoming holiday rush it is thought anything as simple as a fight for the last Buzz Lightyear could prove fatal to the populace as a whole.

The decision to stay alive caused a sigh of relief to be heard throughout the global community as no one was really in the mood to clean up the potential mess.

Strictly Gets Mildly More Interesting

by Shaky Parkinson

In a bid to make its 11.5 million viewers feel something other than stark emotional boredom, the BBC's flagship entertainment show Strictly Come Dancing has upped its raunchiness factor in a bid to do justice to it's title.

The trial run of smut was held last Saturday but unexpectedly caused record amounts of complaints for a family show of its kind.  The focus of the attention was laid at the hips of Robbie Savage, whose Jackoesque style hip thrusting was deemed far too excitable for the older generation and far too inspirational for the younger.  When told that this dance was an exact copy of the original groove laid down in the hit 'Bad', a mass CD burning was held at the Southwark branch of Age Concern, while Royal Mail saw a tripling in workloads.

"I've already got a dodgy shoulder," claimed Postman Pat, "And what with Christmas round the corner my work load isn't getting any easier, especially with all these complaints flooding my route.  I don't even have any room for Jess anymore, the poor bugger has to stay at home watching Cash In The Attic.  I say we should pull both the shows and send Bruno Tonioli to the moon in a big rocket."

"I've even written to the BBC," he continued, "Complaining about the number of complaints they are getting and to do something about it but they just wrote back complaining that I was a time waster and that they were aware of the problem.  I've been doing this job for a while now and I've never known a more pointless whinge than this."

It seems that Savage's hip thrusting wasn't the only thing getting the public hot under the collar.  Nancy Dell'Olio's leg spreading also proved unwelcome, a view that was sadly reflected in the final phone in vote with the BBC's new raunchy angle getting voted out in the final dance off.

"I couldn't believe it," claimed Granny Scroggins, "In fact I still don't believe it.  I think the BBC is disgusting for letting such an old lady getting her vag out on television.  You could see it all and frankly that was too much."

"I agree with what she said," said Albert Nearingit, "You don't know the kind of pressure old people are under to constantly complain about the most trivial matters.  I hate Strictly Come Faffing but you can't hit the bingo hall with that attitude.  The last person who slagged off Len Goodman ended up in a skip and I don't like skips."

Despite wide coverage of the negative reception of last weekend's show there has also been a surprisingly high trend of positive feedback for the show's new angle.  "I love a bit of leg," winked Lord B. Dover, "Now think of my enjoyment when I got a bit of upskirt action thrown into the mix.  I almost spilled my champagne."

BBC Director General, Mark Thompson, was enthusiastic about the show's progress, "More complaints mean more people watching and if most of those people aren't complaining then that is probably good.  What I'm saying is that complaints mean things are good, not bad and that when things are good then they are for the most part discouraged.  I think that's right."

"Don't these people have lives," piped up Skip Dump from the Michael Jackson and Nancy Dell'Olio Appreciation Society, "Why waste your time complaining about such a dull show as Strictly Come Dancing when there are far more important problems in the world.  Surely their anger would be better used complaining about Hollyoaks or why Nancy didn't get a job judging the X-Factor.  Some people."

"Family show my arse," claimed one loud mouth, "I've not watched a program with the kids since Jordan had her reality show cancelled.  Now that they have Xbox's and unlimited Internet porn I hardly ever see them.  A bit of smut might be the thing needed to get this show ticking all the right boxes."

Today's complaints have sadly forced the BBC to once again bend over backwards and cater to a minority who are unable to work their television remotes and cancel any proposed plans to make the show even the slightest bit entertaining.  Strictly's creator Fenia Vardanis is saddened at the fact that such promising ideas as the Alesha Dixon Strip-off and the Craig Horwood face smashing will have to be scrapped.

No doubt this weeks controversy will quickly blow over and viewers will be able to settle back into their preferred viewing patterns before the Strictly Christmas DVD clogs up retail outlets throughout the land in the cumming weeks.

The Weeks Gossip From Perth

by Shaky Parkinson

Last weeks Commonwealth Summit saw 54 heads of state convene in Perth for a bit of a get together.  News Guff's man on the beach, Shaky Parkinson, was there to cover the event.

This gathering of politicians was set to change the face of thinking and get some stuff sorted out and from my detailed research I can safely say that the summit's biggest impact was made in the pudding section of the buffet cart.  And who can blame them, the food was top notch, the service second to none and that cute little blonde number serving the crabs was nothing but a vision.

I also heard rumours that Barbados and the Maldives spent a few interesting moments in the chalet and the Queen had a wonderful time pretending to be interested in her irritatingly numerous subjects.  Sri Lanka's Uncle was also let loose on the bar after slipping free of his health care worker and spent a pleasant week harassing the local talent and getting plastered on gin.  Iain Duncan Smith was also seem practising his dive bombing in the pool and by Friday had gotten it down to a fine art, being able to splash the Solomon Islands with deceptive ease.  I think they would have been more upset if they'd been conscious but they don't get away from the wives to often and the tequila blammer's really took their toll.

As usual the annual twister contest was won by Pakistan but the trophy giving hit new heights of hilarity when India got jealous and botched an attempt at sabotage that resulted in Ghana's Nan getting a full tank in the face from a Super Soaker 2100v.

On the downside someone who has yet to be identified left one mean smelling creation in the lads' toilets and by all accounts the finger is being pointed at you Tuvalu.  Maybe you do things differently out there on the Pacific Rim but there is no excuse for that kind of activity being present at such a significant political get together.  Cameroon's Mum was almost sick and once the smell got sucked into the vents the buffet had to be postponed for the afternoon.  Maybe you did it, maybe you didn't but Trinidad and Tobago were playing hide and seek when they saw you leave the restroom and you know well enough that they can't lie.

Right, it's been a hectic week and Shaky needs him some beauty sleep.  Front side down, after sun on.  Bingo.