Man Wakes Up After 6,000 Year Coma

by Shaky Parkinson

Dennis with his flash agent
Flash. 

Accountant and part-time Reese Witherspoon lookalike Dennis Bradshaw has today woken up after being in a coma for 6,000 years.  Dennis slipped into a stressed induced comatose state after a nasty land debate with some fellow hunter gatherers in the early bronze age but came too this morning when his alarm was uncovered at a nearby archaeological dig.

"I suppose a land argument was pretty trivial but that's all we had back then, that and hairy copulation," enunciated Bradshaw, "This neighbour of mine Pete, we called him Pete 'cos it was short for Peter, had moved his fence a couple of feet into my garden.  The whole situation was absurd, there were several thousand acres of untouched countryside on the other side of his garden but he was just out for the spite.  I must seem like a simple soul arguing over such a stupid thing but it was a different time."

Scientists, Archaeologists and Descendants from around the world have been flown into Wiltshire General for a chance to speak with Dennis.  "This man is a miracle," claimed renowned gynaecologist Dr.  P. Ervy, "It is highly unusual for a patient in such a deep coma to wake up after such prolonged sleep."

"We're very excited," beamed Medical Scientist Doctor, Judith Tosh, "We're hoping that Dennis will be able to answer many of our questions such as, what is it like being in a coma, what was his best dream and what does he think of the iPad3.  I'm ecstatic."

"All this attention is very flattering," claimed Dennis, "I've been awake for twenty minutes and I've seen more people in the last ten minutes than I did in my entire life.  I've already skimmed through your history books and it is more or less perfectly accurate as far as I can remember.  Then again I was a heavy drinker and this is what lead to the break down of my union with Jennifer.  'Stop dragging mud into the roundhouse, no deer blood on the sheep carcasses', I mean is it any wonder I turned hit the liquor?  No mud in the roundhouse I tell you, there's mud everywhere, please tell me things are better now and it's all gone."

Bradshaw's residence, lying untouched
in the Swindon suburbs and
currently housing the
Wilshire Chicken Museum.

When asked what he thought of the modern world Dennis was eager to express his thoughts, "It's pretty much the same just a little more shiny and bizarre, frankly I'm not enjoying it very much.  Imagine waking up from the best sleep anyone has ever experienced to see a repeat of 'Cash In The Attic' starring back at you.  It nearly sent me back under."

After the press conference we spoke to Dennis' agent Tom Flash, "He's going to be big, massive, huge, enormous, like my vocabulary.  We've already signed a book deal that'll blow that Rowling bint out of the water and Dennis is already scheduled to take over from Judith Keppel on Eggheads.  I'm stunned with excitement, joy, happiness."

"I think it's a disgrace," screamed one Protester from their camp outside the hospital, "This is just another case of the Government giving another freeloader an easy ride.  He hasn't paid any tax since 4012 B.C. and going by inflation that amounts to nothing more than a gesture of goodwill and who has to front the bill for his medical costs.  Us and possibly mostly everyone else."

Alas the party didn't last too long as an unmonitored Bradshaw was able to asses the remote control and accidentally switched himself over to 'Sherlock' and was found seconds later banging his head repeatedly on the wall in a successful attempt at re-inducing his comatose state.

"It's a sad day for money," sobbed Flash, "He'll be forgotten but never missed."

Strictly Gets Mildly More Interesting

by Shaky Parkinson

In a bid to make its 11.5 million viewers feel something other than stark emotional boredom, the BBC's flagship entertainment show Strictly Come Dancing has upped its raunchiness factor in a bid to do justice to it's title.

The trial run of smut was held last Saturday but unexpectedly caused record amounts of complaints for a family show of its kind.  The focus of the attention was laid at the hips of Robbie Savage, whose Jackoesque style hip thrusting was deemed far too excitable for the older generation and far too inspirational for the younger.  When told that this dance was an exact copy of the original groove laid down in the hit 'Bad', a mass CD burning was held at the Southwark branch of Age Concern, while Royal Mail saw a tripling in workloads.

"I've already got a dodgy shoulder," claimed Postman Pat, "And what with Christmas round the corner my work load isn't getting any easier, especially with all these complaints flooding my route.  I don't even have any room for Jess anymore, the poor bugger has to stay at home watching Cash In The Attic.  I say we should pull both the shows and send Bruno Tonioli to the moon in a big rocket."

"I've even written to the BBC," he continued, "Complaining about the number of complaints they are getting and to do something about it but they just wrote back complaining that I was a time waster and that they were aware of the problem.  I've been doing this job for a while now and I've never known a more pointless whinge than this."

It seems that Savage's hip thrusting wasn't the only thing getting the public hot under the collar.  Nancy Dell'Olio's leg spreading also proved unwelcome, a view that was sadly reflected in the final phone in vote with the BBC's new raunchy angle getting voted out in the final dance off.

"I couldn't believe it," claimed Granny Scroggins, "In fact I still don't believe it.  I think the BBC is disgusting for letting such an old lady getting her vag out on television.  You could see it all and frankly that was too much."

"I agree with what she said," said Albert Nearingit, "You don't know the kind of pressure old people are under to constantly complain about the most trivial matters.  I hate Strictly Come Faffing but you can't hit the bingo hall with that attitude.  The last person who slagged off Len Goodman ended up in a skip and I don't like skips."

Despite wide coverage of the negative reception of last weekend's show there has also been a surprisingly high trend of positive feedback for the show's new angle.  "I love a bit of leg," winked Lord B. Dover, "Now think of my enjoyment when I got a bit of upskirt action thrown into the mix.  I almost spilled my champagne."

BBC Director General, Mark Thompson, was enthusiastic about the show's progress, "More complaints mean more people watching and if most of those people aren't complaining then that is probably good.  What I'm saying is that complaints mean things are good, not bad and that when things are good then they are for the most part discouraged.  I think that's right."

"Don't these people have lives," piped up Skip Dump from the Michael Jackson and Nancy Dell'Olio Appreciation Society, "Why waste your time complaining about such a dull show as Strictly Come Dancing when there are far more important problems in the world.  Surely their anger would be better used complaining about Hollyoaks or why Nancy didn't get a job judging the X-Factor.  Some people."

"Family show my arse," claimed one loud mouth, "I've not watched a program with the kids since Jordan had her reality show cancelled.  Now that they have Xbox's and unlimited Internet porn I hardly ever see them.  A bit of smut might be the thing needed to get this show ticking all the right boxes."

Today's complaints have sadly forced the BBC to once again bend over backwards and cater to a minority who are unable to work their television remotes and cancel any proposed plans to make the show even the slightest bit entertaining.  Strictly's creator Fenia Vardanis is saddened at the fact that such promising ideas as the Alesha Dixon Strip-off and the Craig Horwood face smashing will have to be scrapped.

No doubt this weeks controversy will quickly blow over and viewers will be able to settle back into their preferred viewing patterns before the Strictly Christmas DVD clogs up retail outlets throughout the land in the cumming weeks.