Pandas Inflicted Upon Scotland

by Shaky Parkinson

At 7am this morning staff at Edinburgh Zoo were startled to find two caged Pandas by the back door.  It is unsure about how the Pandas got there but were quickly brought in and given a clean bill of health by the staff vet.

"I hate seeing animals being abandoned by their countries but we've done all we can for them now," claimed head vet William Paws, "As far as we can see they seem to be adjusting well, but then again they are Pandas so you can never really tell."

Zoo CCTV has been unable to identify the culprits and there have been no witnesses other than a sighting on Prince's Street by Angus McTosh, "I was sitting down to my evening drink when all of a sudden these Chinese lads came rushing past cheering and yelling.  Then again I was sat on the junction to Waverley Bridge and they could've been the kitchen staff from Jimmy Chung's on a post dinner rush celebration."

"We've been unable to identify a single member of the terrorist organisation," claimed head keeper Mark Furry, "The surveillance equipment simply shows fifteen young people dressed in black wheeling up the cages and bolting.  The attack took little more than a minute and they cunningly wore balaclavas to avoid being noticed.  You'd think a seven hundred thousand pound security system would have picked up something?  It's just horrific to see such attacks in this day and age.  What the hell are we going to do with a pair of Pandas?  They are completely useless."

When asked for comments the Chinese Ambassador for Britain, Liu Xiaoming commented, "It appears that Edinburgh Zoo has been victim to a serious breach of animal welfare and my thoughts go out to all the Keeper's and penguins."

Mr. Xiaoming was keen to deny accusations of his Governments involvement, "We love Pandas and would never think about hurting them in anyway, much less abandoning them.  The City of Edinburgh should count itself lucky it has such wonderful creatures being gifted to them.  The Scottish climate and natural bamboo crop is a perfect place for these majestic animals to be and we should all be taking the positive from this event."

Despite these claims FedEx has stepped forward claiming that they have clues to the Pandas origin.  "It says here that the Panda's were sent special delivery from China last night on the FedEx Panda Express and signed for by a Mr. Smith at Edinburgh Airport at 11pm last night," remarked FedEx Customer Service Operator William, "The bill was paid for using PayPal if that helps but there final whereabouts are completely unknowable."

Either way it is thought that until the rightful owners of the Pandas can be found Edinburgh Zoo will display the couple in a bid to gain fortune from the incident.  "We've taken a serious blow as a zoo and all we can do now is whore out the creatures to the gawping public and try and flog some Panda toys in the mix.  They might as well be doing something useful until we can get them off our hands."

Either way crowds are already flocking to the capital for a glimpse at the animals with an estimated ten billion people to pass through the city in the next three days.