Jamie Oliver Enjoys Waffling

by Shaky Parkinson

In the same week that Britain's females have been labelled the 'Fattest' in Europe, Jamie Oliver is hard at work attacking the Government for its alleged breaches of nutritional law in schools.  The Chef has claimed that because new Academies are exempt from the law the Government is letting fast food back onto the menu and eroding all the hard work he has done to make school meals healthier.

"I'll be blunt," claimed Educational Secretary Michael Gove, "Children don't want to eat salad nicoise.  In fact most people don't want to eat salad.  I was stumbling back from the pub the other night and I didn't see a single salad bar open beyond 9pm.  It's a bloody disgrace.  Stop blaming the Government for people's taste buds.  I grew up on fish fingers and I turned out okay.  Those little buggers are grand, all they need to do is hit the park once in a while and not be pampered with Blackberry's at age seven and things will soon right themselves."

"We don't want vegetables," claimed 7TC at Littlewhitton Secondary School in Buckinghamshire, "It doesn't matter how they are cooked they still taste like shit until they are covered in butter and salt.  We'll stretch to some roast potatoes but the difference between them and chips is pretty marginal.  All we want is to sit down for an hour each day and forget the fact we are caged up in this shitty prison and scoff down some pizza and ice cream and Mr. Gove is doing all he can to cater for us.  You see what I did there?"

"Mr. Gove is eroding the laws that we set down over seven years ago.  That was a pukka bit of work for anyone and now he is undermining it.  I love the idea of letting schools do what they want but not if it means making me upset," wept Oliver.

"I can see why Mr. Oliver is downtrodden," claimed Michael Gove, "But try being a minister for a fortnight, I've got to bow to public demand and the demand is gristle.  You can't say schools can do what they want except this, this and this because it makes a mockery of trust.   I like Jamie Oliver, his food is excellent and his portions correctly sized but why doesn't he just drop this damn crusade of his.  He is the only person that wants it.  All schools usually offer healthy menu options and if anyone was that unhappy with their canteen they'd bring a fucking packed lunch.  He's still got two thirds of the country under his grasp, that's better than a kick in the teeth or a seat in Parliament.  We're broke and I'll say it again, fat or stupid, he's made his choice I've made mine, nuff said."

Recent observations have proven that today's pampered youth are only interested in drinking, video games and KFC Mini Fillet's and that alongside their parents are being pushed into a podgy adulthood from an early age.  Unless social mentality changes the Greggs' lunchtime rush will soon become ingrained tradition.

NHS Canteen's To Get Foreign Makeover

by Shaky Parkinson

After a number of disgruntled comments from the suggestion box the NHS has decided to outsource its catering sector to foreign investors.  It appears a wave of discontent has broken out across many top leading institutions throughout the UK and in a bid to keep standards high the Government is planning to allow foreign investment into many UK hospitals.

"Everyone loves curry right?  Problem solved," beamed Health Secretary Andrew Lansley, "We aren't privatising the NHS, we just thought that patients would prefer a post colostomy curry than some mouldy brown salad.  Beans and chips aren't going to cut it in this Jamie Oliver Snail FUCK! Smith sort of world."

After breaking for a quick Chicken Vindaloo Lansley was back with, "What we are planning to do is bring up all NHS canteen's to a level of pretension that rivals that of the best London bistro.  Once we've souped up this kitchen you'll be shitting bricks."

After his runaway success with the rebranding of Little Chef, Heston Blumenthal is being dragged in to create a public friendly menu to suit injuries of any scale, "We've got snail toast for the fractures and frozen piss cream for tonsillitis but I've yet to make any progress with the cancer patients," he scoffed earlier today.

"I'm for it," said one Vox Pop, "I pay my taxes and I think it is about time the NHS offered me up a few choice cuts with my leg amputation.  If I wanted chips I could go to the freezer, what I want is an experience that I cannot get at home.  They already have the awkward room share and that weird metal thing to piss in but so far the food isn't up to scratch."

"My jelly is crap," fumed brain surgery survivor, Richard Head, "When will they learn."  It seems the range of Greek salads, curries, fresh pizzas and Turkish kebabs has already proven a success during its trial period and is set to go national next month.

"This is going to be great," smiled Lansley, "We'll get the best in food the world has to offer.  We're changing the whole face medicine.  Once I drag up some research that links feta cheese with a cancer cure we're set.  Hey, if this works we might as well source out the whole lot.  Gotta go my Kulfi is here."