"This isn't fact," stated scientist, Carl Ponders, "We're just questioning the idea. We've also tried clamps, footballs and badly co-ordinated offspring and the results have all proven to have a great impact on the male reproductive organs. So the results are pretty much open to interpretation but we reckon we're right. Plus we have to look to be doing something."
Scientists were vague as to which element of the laptop was the cause of the activity but it is assumed that it has something to do with the Wi-Fi access enjoyed by the devices. With every square inch of the globe being covered with wireless Internet it seems Men are at greater risk from dying sperm.
"It could well be the Wi-Fi," commented Ponders, "It could also be the sitting position, the batteries or simply an increase in the amount of flip case induced injuries. It's really all factual speculation."
"I'm hugely worried about the effects global Internet access and portable computers will have on my willy and gubbins," claimed concerned laptop user, Jason Cummings, "I spend 27 hours a day on my computer and I'm not that good with the ladies. This could mean a new career change for a lot of people."
"It's all bollocks," chuckled laptop enthusiast Danny Strokes, "Having a laptop isn't damaging my sperm, just my screen, am I right? I use my laptop all day every day, even while I'm shitting and I can assure you it has no negative effects on my sperm, although the repetitive usage can cause arm ache. Regardless of any scientific studies, being able to lounge on a settee ten feet from my desktop PC is sweeter than Jesus and just like my laptop I'm buzzin' like a bee after a blow job."
The studies will be furthered at length until the year 2015 by which time the conclusions will be irrelevant, outdated and absolutely no use to the general public.
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