Flame Dies For Olympic Enthusiasm

by Shaky Parkinson

Flame Off.

A typically Russian Olympic torch relay began this morning in Moscow where the flame started its 40,000 mile journey to the town of Sochi in time for the Winter Games in February. The flame is set to travel across the Arctic Ocean, underwater and be blasted into space in one of the most pretentious administrative tasks in history.

Barely a mile from the podium and trouble set in when former swimming champion Shavarsh Karapetyan was dismayed to find that the flame had jumped ship while still in sight of the Kremlin wall. "Probably doesn't dig the cold," he chuckled as a Security Guard tried desperately to reignite Russia's hopes of a gloriously impressive opening ceremony.

"I can't see."

"Surely that counts as a loss?" stated renowned Olympic hater Shaky Parkinson, "I'm not an expert, especially when it comes to people running around in circles, but I do know that when a flame is extinguished and needs to be relit then you are dealing with a different flame just the same gas source and container and I'm pretty sure those rolled off a production line a few months back so I can't see how any form of tradition or ceremony can really be kept alive with this farce."

He continued, "You honestly think that they've kept a flame alive since 1936, with these gas prices? What does it say when you're on your understudy after three hundred metres? This is just another example of how the Olympics is a pretentious load of twaddle. The Olympics is hardly Wimbledon or the Tour De France, neither of these events dick around with 123 day televised warm up jog and they are much cooler."

"It sputtered."

Vladimir Putin and onlookers.

Despite the problems, and the cold weather tens of mistakenly dressed individuals eagerly lined the streets around the Kremlin for a brief glimpse of the flame as it sputtered its way from the stage. With many people offering up their thoughts of the event;

"We gave it a good run and in all fairness Karapetyan was looked a tad tired already. Probably best it's over. Should save us a few bob," noted one spectator.

"My Olympic dream is dead," sighed another.

"Just goes to show you," commented a third.

"This is a PR disaster," was overheard behind the stage.

"I thought it was brilliant," continued Shaky Parkinson, "It was the most human and honest thing I have seen in months."

It is hoped that the torch relay will continue on its journey unimpeded and without incident as the organisers look towards the heavens and shiver.

Catching To Be Made Into Mandatory Exam

by Shaky Parkinson

In a bid for recognition the pretentious world of sport has deemed fit to fuel its ego by proposing the addition of more tests to the national curriculum.  The patronising souls behind such wonders as the Olympic 2012 games and other such unavoidable catastrophes have set their sights on schools in a bid to push mandatory Physical Education tests upon the nation's youth.

Sports Medicine Specialist (?) Dr Andy Franklyn-Miller has whinged, "No one likes us.  If we made PE tests mandatory in schools it would mean that more children would spend their time doing circuit training instead of all that learning bullshit they do at the other end of the building.  Sport is important and must be made mandatory for all students.  It is the failing of the national curriculum that children are getting fat and if people would just listen to us we could change all that."

In response the National Curriculum stated, "That is all well and good but I'd rather have a bunch of tubby youths running around instead of a bunch of stupid ones.  The fat ones might be unable to leave an armchair but they'll damn well know how too.  If you damn PE teachers would just stop bitching for attention and tried to make PE even the remotest bit enjoyable maybe we'd be open to compromise, but these proposals are stupid, much like our current youth population who need more in the way of learning than they do bad experiences.  More tests would just back fire."

Little Tommy Pity has already
lost ten stone by lifting
plastic rods.

"I think it is absurd," claimed Headmaster Richard Head, "We've already blown the entire years budget on invigilators and laptops.  Our texts books only run up to the year 1988 and the history department has to repeatedly show the pupils the ceiling asbestos as an illustration of modern building controversy because they haven't any other educational materials.  It's a mess, I don't want anymore fucking exams.  We gave them GCSE PE what more credibility do they want.  I blame the parents, pushing their children into such a needless and irritating profession."

Amongst the proposed tests will be activities such as walking, running, squats and being able to put down an Xbox controller.  There are also plans to add throwing, catching and other numerous abilities into the range of exams.

"These tests will be important," claimed PE Teacher Donald Rugby, "We want to stop children getting fat so we are going to distance them from exercise by instilling an even deeper sense of boredom into the subject.  We want PE to be on par with that of Maths and Reading.  We cannot call it English because we have progressed far beyond that but I still think PE is just as important.  If a child picks up a cheeseburger incorrectly they are opening themselves up to potential wrist sprains and injuries.  We're here to help and that is why we need more power and more people to listen to us."

"I've got enough tests," sighed one Pupil, "We haven't done any studying yet because we have to sit so many exams.  I'm in year 10 and I'm still working on my nouns.  PE doesn't even count.  All the PE teacher's at our school are rubbish.  They send us out into the cold to play rugby without showing us the rules and stay inside drinking tea and being angry.  I blame the parents."

It is thought that the slogans 'Stop being fat fatty' and 'It only takes one cheeseburger' have been put forward as possible taglines for the upcoming bid for recognition but with the nations unified dislike for PE teachers running at a constant level of twat it is this reporter's opinion that being a child is going to become a little less interesting.  These really aren't the golden years of your life and if these exams go ahead the sheen will certainly be gone forever.

Online Ticket Purchase To Become New Olympic Sport

by Shaky Parkinson

After the epic demands placed onto the Internet this morning Olympic Chief Count Rogge has declared that Online Ticket Purchasing will become a regular fixture of the events.

The hoorah started at 6am proper time, when two million left over curling tickets went on sale to the general public.  The competition was fierce and only the top computer literates were gifted with the seats of their choice.

Having seen the enthusiasm and monetary profits from the newly recognised sport Rogge commented, "If we get this one off the ground it might knock my Forbes Rating up to no.66."

Ian Cludgley, a computer geek from Swindon who was the first to successfully complete the purchasing process is currently in talks with the British Olympic Association about forming a one-man team for the next games.

He went onto to chatter, "This is a new sport that has taken the world by storm and I want to be a part of that.  Having worked in IT for over twenty years has given me the skills I need to take Britain to the top.  I feel..."  Cludgley was unavailable to elaborate because his talktalk connection suddenly evaporated and his MSN feed died.

"What we can take from this is that filling out online forms is something that the British people have come to love and excel at, and Cludgley is the man for the job" said BOA's head Colin Moynihan, "That medal is as good as ours."

The Government were quick to praise the sport saying, "It will probably be good for young people and they are all that matter."