Hello, Hello, I'm Back Again!

by Shaky Parkinson

Saturday evenings are set to take a turn for the fun with the launch of ITV's new game-show 'Gary Glitter's Sex Quiz'.  The show features legendary rock n' roller Gary Glitter as he takes contestants on an insightful and entertaining journey through his sexual history and selected discography.

"Suspected kiddy fiddler is dead."

"According to our market research in today's Sun it is clear what the public want.  Paedophiles," claimed ITV's Entertainment Commissioner, Kate Maddigan, "It seems any show that doesn't feature even a suspected kiddy fiddler is dead in the water.  So what better way to cater to popular tastes than with a detailed look into the sexual history of one the 70's biggest entertainers.  If we want to continue broadcasting through the recession we have to accept that touching kids is where the money is."

Today saw the show's pilot being filmed to a receptive audience.  Various catchphrases such as 'Do you wanna win in my gang', 'Hello, Hell, I'm back again' and 'Do you wanna touch me, OH YEAH!' hit a positive tone with the audience as Glitter hit a firm stride in his presenting that left little doubt to his abilities.

"It went well out there today," claimed a post show Glitter, "I wasn't sure about the idea to begin with, but after we cracked the name everything seemed to come together.  I think this show'll turn some heads, now if you'll excuse me I need to hit the Pepsi Max and chill."

"Clap Clap."

"Judging by today's upbeat atmosphere we think the quiz could easily knock Britain's Got Talent from the top of the ratings," continued Clap, "Clap followed clap throughout the recording, the sight was encouraging.  Not only that but Gary is the perfect age for a late comeback and with such a successful track record we'd be silly not to launch an album off the back of the show."

Britain's Got Talent judge's Simon Cowell and Amanda Holden where outraged at the proposed competition they would soon be facing, while fellow judges Alesha Dixon and David Walliams embarked upon a nationwide molesting tour in a bid to boost popularity for the show.  "By putting ourselves back at number one we can show the viewers that the only kind of touching that needs to be done is with our hearts," claimed Walliams, "There's a lot of talent out there and we want to get to know it."

"Disinterested by the show's content."

The general pubic were both happy, shocked, flabbergasted and disinterested by the show's content and host.

"It isn't natural," cited Glenn Spence of Carlisle, "Glitter's a singer not a presenter, this concept doesn't stand a chance."

"I'm sickened, literally," spewed Gladys Firth of Reigate, "BLUUUUUUUGHHH!!!"

"If he's covering the entire glam rock movement I'm in," John Milk of Exeter, "If not then I'm out."

"I love 'Rock and Roll Part Two' but that's as far as I'll take it," noted Pat from Bournemouth.

"This pathetic play for ratings is representative of the worst kind of television," claimed David Dunhill of Slough, "Shock tactics are FUCKING infantile.  When will the media stop abusing the impressionable minds of their readers, viewers and listeners?"

Gary Glitter's Sex Quiz premieres this Saturday on ITV at 9 o'clock.

Strictly Gets Mildly More Interesting

by Shaky Parkinson

In a bid to make its 11.5 million viewers feel something other than stark emotional boredom, the BBC's flagship entertainment show Strictly Come Dancing has upped its raunchiness factor in a bid to do justice to it's title.

The trial run of smut was held last Saturday but unexpectedly caused record amounts of complaints for a family show of its kind.  The focus of the attention was laid at the hips of Robbie Savage, whose Jackoesque style hip thrusting was deemed far too excitable for the older generation and far too inspirational for the younger.  When told that this dance was an exact copy of the original groove laid down in the hit 'Bad', a mass CD burning was held at the Southwark branch of Age Concern, while Royal Mail saw a tripling in workloads.

"I've already got a dodgy shoulder," claimed Postman Pat, "And what with Christmas round the corner my work load isn't getting any easier, especially with all these complaints flooding my route.  I don't even have any room for Jess anymore, the poor bugger has to stay at home watching Cash In The Attic.  I say we should pull both the shows and send Bruno Tonioli to the moon in a big rocket."

"I've even written to the BBC," he continued, "Complaining about the number of complaints they are getting and to do something about it but they just wrote back complaining that I was a time waster and that they were aware of the problem.  I've been doing this job for a while now and I've never known a more pointless whinge than this."

It seems that Savage's hip thrusting wasn't the only thing getting the public hot under the collar.  Nancy Dell'Olio's leg spreading also proved unwelcome, a view that was sadly reflected in the final phone in vote with the BBC's new raunchy angle getting voted out in the final dance off.

"I couldn't believe it," claimed Granny Scroggins, "In fact I still don't believe it.  I think the BBC is disgusting for letting such an old lady getting her vag out on television.  You could see it all and frankly that was too much."

"I agree with what she said," said Albert Nearingit, "You don't know the kind of pressure old people are under to constantly complain about the most trivial matters.  I hate Strictly Come Faffing but you can't hit the bingo hall with that attitude.  The last person who slagged off Len Goodman ended up in a skip and I don't like skips."

Despite wide coverage of the negative reception of last weekend's show there has also been a surprisingly high trend of positive feedback for the show's new angle.  "I love a bit of leg," winked Lord B. Dover, "Now think of my enjoyment when I got a bit of upskirt action thrown into the mix.  I almost spilled my champagne."

BBC Director General, Mark Thompson, was enthusiastic about the show's progress, "More complaints mean more people watching and if most of those people aren't complaining then that is probably good.  What I'm saying is that complaints mean things are good, not bad and that when things are good then they are for the most part discouraged.  I think that's right."

"Don't these people have lives," piped up Skip Dump from the Michael Jackson and Nancy Dell'Olio Appreciation Society, "Why waste your time complaining about such a dull show as Strictly Come Dancing when there are far more important problems in the world.  Surely their anger would be better used complaining about Hollyoaks or why Nancy didn't get a job judging the X-Factor.  Some people."

"Family show my arse," claimed one loud mouth, "I've not watched a program with the kids since Jordan had her reality show cancelled.  Now that they have Xbox's and unlimited Internet porn I hardly ever see them.  A bit of smut might be the thing needed to get this show ticking all the right boxes."

Today's complaints have sadly forced the BBC to once again bend over backwards and cater to a minority who are unable to work their television remotes and cancel any proposed plans to make the show even the slightest bit entertaining.  Strictly's creator Fenia Vardanis is saddened at the fact that such promising ideas as the Alesha Dixon Strip-off and the Craig Horwood face smashing will have to be scrapped.

No doubt this weeks controversy will quickly blow over and viewers will be able to settle back into their preferred viewing patterns before the Strictly Christmas DVD clogs up retail outlets throughout the land in the cumming weeks.