Jamie Oliver Enjoys Waffling

by Shaky Parkinson

In the same week that Britain's females have been labelled the 'Fattest' in Europe, Jamie Oliver is hard at work attacking the Government for its alleged breaches of nutritional law in schools.  The Chef has claimed that because new Academies are exempt from the law the Government is letting fast food back onto the menu and eroding all the hard work he has done to make school meals healthier.

"I'll be blunt," claimed Educational Secretary Michael Gove, "Children don't want to eat salad nicoise.  In fact most people don't want to eat salad.  I was stumbling back from the pub the other night and I didn't see a single salad bar open beyond 9pm.  It's a bloody disgrace.  Stop blaming the Government for people's taste buds.  I grew up on fish fingers and I turned out okay.  Those little buggers are grand, all they need to do is hit the park once in a while and not be pampered with Blackberry's at age seven and things will soon right themselves."

"We don't want vegetables," claimed 7TC at Littlewhitton Secondary School in Buckinghamshire, "It doesn't matter how they are cooked they still taste like shit until they are covered in butter and salt.  We'll stretch to some roast potatoes but the difference between them and chips is pretty marginal.  All we want is to sit down for an hour each day and forget the fact we are caged up in this shitty prison and scoff down some pizza and ice cream and Mr. Gove is doing all he can to cater for us.  You see what I did there?"

"Mr. Gove is eroding the laws that we set down over seven years ago.  That was a pukka bit of work for anyone and now he is undermining it.  I love the idea of letting schools do what they want but not if it means making me upset," wept Oliver.

"I can see why Mr. Oliver is downtrodden," claimed Michael Gove, "But try being a minister for a fortnight, I've got to bow to public demand and the demand is gristle.  You can't say schools can do what they want except this, this and this because it makes a mockery of trust.   I like Jamie Oliver, his food is excellent and his portions correctly sized but why doesn't he just drop this damn crusade of his.  He is the only person that wants it.  All schools usually offer healthy menu options and if anyone was that unhappy with their canteen they'd bring a fucking packed lunch.  He's still got two thirds of the country under his grasp, that's better than a kick in the teeth or a seat in Parliament.  We're broke and I'll say it again, fat or stupid, he's made his choice I've made mine, nuff said."

Recent observations have proven that today's pampered youth are only interested in drinking, video games and KFC Mini Fillet's and that alongside their parents are being pushed into a podgy adulthood from an early age.  Unless social mentality changes the Greggs' lunchtime rush will soon become ingrained tradition.