Timmy Mallet Lookalike Found Dead In Timmy Mallet's Lounge

by Shaky Parkinson

A body has been found in the home of television presenter Timmy Mallet in the early hours of this morning.  The victim is thought to be 90-year-old Timmy Mallet lookalike Timothy M. Allet and police are treating the death as confusing.

"This certainly is a unique case," said Chief Inspector Kevin Wheatley, "There was no blood at the scene and no disturbances, but the victim had suffered huge internal hemorrhaging caused by a repeated beating with a soft instrument.  We have yet to locate the murder weapon but we believe the item to be a replica Mallet's Mallet as the original was under lock and key at the time and a full investigation is in progress."

The shock discovery occurred this morning after Mallet's annual 'Lookalike Thank You Bash'.  Mallet discovered the body himself while sipping some coco on the way to his painting studio.  "It was utterly brilliant," he sighed, "I was off to paint another masterpiece because I do actually have some talent, when I stumbled over the body of poor Timothy."

Wanted in connection with the
attack.

He continued, "I thought everyone had left hours ago.  We were partying pretty hard, as is our custom, but I can't imagine anything like this happening.  Prank calling Martina Navratilova at half one is a good six hour step from murder and we broke things up at four so I don't know how this could've happened.  Then again Timothy pissed off a lot of people.  He had enemies."

It seems the deceased had borrowed from numerous loan sharks in a desperate bid to float his gambling debts while simultaneously being tried for defrauding a number of large businesses over dodgy accounting.  It is also thought that he had invested heavily in black market bonds and was blackmailing a number of key Politicians as well as selling military secrets to foreign business executives.

"As far as we can see there is no motive for the killing," continued Wheatley, "This seems to be a spontaneous attack of rage probably caused by a spilt drink or ill-aimed joke.  All we can say is that the circumstances surrounding the death are comical and a full investigation is in progress."  

Allet, who is most noted for appearing in a number of episodes of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here as a stand in for Mallet who was off sick with freckles will not be missed and our thoughts cannot be with his loved ones because he sold them all into slavery many years ago.