Frodo Makes It To Mt. Doom

by Shaky Parkinson

After nearly three months in the wilderness Frodo Baggins has been seen climbing the summit of Mount Doom.  This comes on a day when Sauron's forces raided Ilthilien, slaying roadside traders and causing millions of gold pieces in damage.

Frodo was sighted this morning just after elevenses sat on a ledge muttering to himself but when our Ringwraith in the Sky, Danny, swooped in for an interview he fled into hiding and hasn't been seen since.  We weren't able to ascertain the whereabouts of Frodo's man servant Samwise Gaygee but it is hoped he has perished somewhere in the wastes of Mordor.

This is the first contact made with the travelling Hobbit since his iPhone was discovered in the possession of an Orc Captain at the Black Gates.  Frodo's last tweet that read, "Sam's bitching again, hearing voices, could really do with a pint," caused growing concern since its publication as the duo haven't been seen or heard from since they entered Shelob's layer.  It was widely thought that they had perished at the hands of the giant spider but today's news will act as hope for millions, as the onslaught on Osgiliath moves into its fifth day and eternal darkness seems inevitable.

As he was taking off to cover the afternoon traffic around Minas Tirith Danny did see a skinny figure slinking his way up the mountain in an odd manner.  It is believed that the figure was none other than mass serial killer Gollum who has been wanted with the authorities for several years in connection with a number of unsolved murders in the Gladden Fields area.  The fishy circumstances surrounding the deaths have been linked with Gollum's M.O. and the Police are treating him as a key suspect in the investigation.  They have also advised any persons coming into contact with the creature to contact them immediately as he is extremely dangerous and is liable to bouts of extreme mental aggression and treachery.

Image taken from F.Baggins'
Facebook profile.

Speaking with renowned conjurer Gandalf the White, the Guff was able to glean this quick outburst, "I'm not taking any interviews.  No comments."  When asked if he had sent the Hobbits to their doom he was quick to respond, "I'm afraid I cannot answer that question, you'll have to take it up with my lawyers.  Leave me alone, you cannot pass."  We were unable to gather any more information and an official statement is being released.  At present it is believed that Gandalf is held up in his two million gold piece apartment overlooking the city and is unavailable for comment.

Ours, as well as the thoughts of all Middle-Earth are with the hairy footed bugger and we are all rooting for him to not fanny things up and that he will return home soon.