Tennant And Osbourne To Duel

by Shaky Parkinson

Flagship BBC program The One Show was forced off the air this evening when an argument broke out between Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osbourne and Royal Shakespeare Company operative David Tennant.  As is their want the BBC have already apologised for the incident but the fight seems fit to continue as the pair don swords in a duel to be held at dawn.

"Financial grants to cows."

The conflict arose moments after the Chancellor ended his discussion about the Coalition's latest environmental scheme to reduce Britain's CO2 emissions by awarding financial grants to cows if they cease flatulating.

Despite staff claiming that the Chancellor 'Appeared stressed' and was 'Looking very pale' he openly discussed the scheme as well as claims about back bench opposition to the proposal, "The scheme is a doozy.  Really top notch thinking, and we've got our best guys on it.  Clegg, Cable, the whole team and the MP's who are opposing this strategy need to think in the long term if Britain is going to help combat global warming. People elected us so we would resolve the economic problems left to us by the previous government but we've gone one step further by altering every facet of daily life in our bid to assist the nation."

Further observations that the Chancellor looked 'Vacant and emotionally ignorant' failed to dampen his spirits as he left the studio during the broadcasting of a Springwatch 2013 segment to join fellow guest David Tennant in the green room where minutes later raised voices were heard.  Eventually the banging and smashes alerted security who broke into the barricaded room to find the couple rough housing amongst a pile of empty Celebration Wrappers.

Tennant moments before the fight.

"Backwell back in 2008."

"We got them apart as quickly as we could," commented Security Officer Mick James, "But they were at each others throats. Galaxy Truffle this and see you on the battlefield that.  I haven't dealt with anything this nasty since Len Goodman and Bruce Forsyth threw down over a cherry bakewell back in 2008."

"The pair were flustered," claimed presenter Matt Baker, "And we just want to apologise to our viewer for the incident.  Thanks to my Blue Peter first aid training I was able to treat David's bruised ego and the Chancellor's ever reddening cheek before matters got out of hand."

Although staff were unable to discover a cause for the hostilities Tennant was eager to protest his innocence as the pair were calmly lead from Broadcasting House, """I'M INNOCENT!!! DOTH NOT THE EYE SEETH TRUTH IN ME??? HISS HISS HISS!!!""" while a more animated Osbourne was furious at the incident, "Boys will be boys and this is nothing more than a bit of light improv that got out of hand. Still no matter how the delivery a challenge is a challenge," but when asked to elaborate neither party could offer any further explanation although runner Claire Hutching witnessed the argument from outside the green room.

"I couldn't hear much through the overacting," she claimed, "But it seemed that there was a dispute about chocolate, which was followed by a lot of swearing and things being thrown around before I distinctly heard the word 'duel' and 'twat' being repeated a number of times.

Osbourne's duelling gonks.

This comment was later confirmed when Tennant released a press statement claiming, """GEORGE OSBOURNE IS NO MORE A SNOB THAN I AM A THESPIAN!!!  AND WE SHALL BE DUELLING TO THE DEATH COME DAYBREAK!!!"""  Downing Street also delivered a similar announcement that stated 'Chancellor Osbourne has accepted the challenge of a duel and will comply with all the requisite procedures required in its undertaking'.

"Duels are to be fought."

Parliamentary tradition dictates that all duels are to be fought at first light upon the waters of the river Thames overlooking the Houses of Parliament and in good faith the palace has offered the royal duelling barge to act as the customary vessel.

Royal duelling barge.

What with Osbourne's 2nd grade fencing award from Magdalen College and Tennant's extensive use of stage props bookies are saying that a Tennant death would prove unfavourable as would an Osbourne win and are therefore refusing to give odds on either opponent but wish both the combatants unanimous condolences.

BBC will be broadcasting the event from 4.30am with kick off at 5.08 after opening coverage from Adrian Chiles and Sue Barker.  You can also follow the proceedings on twitter at #twatfight.

Strictly Gets Mildly More Interesting

by Shaky Parkinson

In a bid to make its 11.5 million viewers feel something other than stark emotional boredom, the BBC's flagship entertainment show Strictly Come Dancing has upped its raunchiness factor in a bid to do justice to it's title.

The trial run of smut was held last Saturday but unexpectedly caused record amounts of complaints for a family show of its kind.  The focus of the attention was laid at the hips of Robbie Savage, whose Jackoesque style hip thrusting was deemed far too excitable for the older generation and far too inspirational for the younger.  When told that this dance was an exact copy of the original groove laid down in the hit 'Bad', a mass CD burning was held at the Southwark branch of Age Concern, while Royal Mail saw a tripling in workloads.

"I've already got a dodgy shoulder," claimed Postman Pat, "And what with Christmas round the corner my work load isn't getting any easier, especially with all these complaints flooding my route.  I don't even have any room for Jess anymore, the poor bugger has to stay at home watching Cash In The Attic.  I say we should pull both the shows and send Bruno Tonioli to the moon in a big rocket."

"I've even written to the BBC," he continued, "Complaining about the number of complaints they are getting and to do something about it but they just wrote back complaining that I was a time waster and that they were aware of the problem.  I've been doing this job for a while now and I've never known a more pointless whinge than this."

It seems that Savage's hip thrusting wasn't the only thing getting the public hot under the collar.  Nancy Dell'Olio's leg spreading also proved unwelcome, a view that was sadly reflected in the final phone in vote with the BBC's new raunchy angle getting voted out in the final dance off.

"I couldn't believe it," claimed Granny Scroggins, "In fact I still don't believe it.  I think the BBC is disgusting for letting such an old lady getting her vag out on television.  You could see it all and frankly that was too much."

"I agree with what she said," said Albert Nearingit, "You don't know the kind of pressure old people are under to constantly complain about the most trivial matters.  I hate Strictly Come Faffing but you can't hit the bingo hall with that attitude.  The last person who slagged off Len Goodman ended up in a skip and I don't like skips."

Despite wide coverage of the negative reception of last weekend's show there has also been a surprisingly high trend of positive feedback for the show's new angle.  "I love a bit of leg," winked Lord B. Dover, "Now think of my enjoyment when I got a bit of upskirt action thrown into the mix.  I almost spilled my champagne."

BBC Director General, Mark Thompson, was enthusiastic about the show's progress, "More complaints mean more people watching and if most of those people aren't complaining then that is probably good.  What I'm saying is that complaints mean things are good, not bad and that when things are good then they are for the most part discouraged.  I think that's right."

"Don't these people have lives," piped up Skip Dump from the Michael Jackson and Nancy Dell'Olio Appreciation Society, "Why waste your time complaining about such a dull show as Strictly Come Dancing when there are far more important problems in the world.  Surely their anger would be better used complaining about Hollyoaks or why Nancy didn't get a job judging the X-Factor.  Some people."

"Family show my arse," claimed one loud mouth, "I've not watched a program with the kids since Jordan had her reality show cancelled.  Now that they have Xbox's and unlimited Internet porn I hardly ever see them.  A bit of smut might be the thing needed to get this show ticking all the right boxes."

Today's complaints have sadly forced the BBC to once again bend over backwards and cater to a minority who are unable to work their television remotes and cancel any proposed plans to make the show even the slightest bit entertaining.  Strictly's creator Fenia Vardanis is saddened at the fact that such promising ideas as the Alesha Dixon Strip-off and the Craig Horwood face smashing will have to be scrapped.

No doubt this weeks controversy will quickly blow over and viewers will be able to settle back into their preferred viewing patterns before the Strictly Christmas DVD clogs up retail outlets throughout the land in the cumming weeks.