Local Radio Finally Deemed Useless

by Shaky Parkinson

The BBC have announced they plan to cut all funding to local radio after an internal report has dubbed it "Useless".  It is thought that abolishing local radio could be the saviour to the BBC's lavish spending.

"We're in a state," claimed Director General George Entwistle, "What with Doctor Who, excessive waste and my new bathroom to pay for we just cannot rely on the License Fee anymore.  We need more cash and it seems axing local radio is a sure fire way to unsure we can fund another series of Strictly Come Dancing."

The report delved deeply into the BBC's biggest expenditures and when crossed referenced with a second report into the corporation's most boring and expendable assets, local radio came out as the largest target.

"Everyone will agree."

"We've always known it's utterly pants," continued Entwistle, "Deep down I think everyone will agree.  Crop formations in Norwich, swimming pool closures in Lincoln, is this really what people want?  Is it bollocks, it is what cynical dullards want, normal morons want another series of The Voice and we're going to give it to them."

Backlash was swift and unobtrusive with numerous walkouts going unnoticed across the North East.  "We are a highly valued and loved broadcast," claimed Damphrey Spludge of weekly Doncaster gardening program Tickhill Tilling, "We have a ten strong fan base and the BBC should not be so quick to dismiss them."

"Think of the children?" cited Lemington mother Carly Clump, "How am I supposed to know if my daughter's school is closed during the winter? I doubt the coverage will be as comprehensive if the job goes national."

"Thumbs down Benny's Bottom."

Ben Bennington was quick to voice his outrage with a morning moan on his Swindon based radio show Benny's Breakfast Burp.  "The people need us, the people love us and you can be sure as ship that I'm not going back to hospital radio after this.  I'm making a real difference.  We cannot compete with mass genocide and global recession but the Wiltshire Downs can yield their fair share of air rescue stories.  These cuts get a thumbs down Benny's Bottom of ten."

Many organisations have protested the cuts such as Mickey Rourke (No not that Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler one) of former secret society D.E.A.T.H. (Dude's Expecting A Tenth Hell), "Entwistle has no idea about the potential disaster he is unleashing onto our streets.  With local radio gone these Deejays will be let loose on hospitals, street corners and low-rent social clubs and who knows what chaos they will unleash.  THE WAR IS COMING!!!"

Commercial radio stations such as Oxfordshire's Jack FM were quick to be praised for their superior content.  "Thank fuck someone has finally levelled some budget cuts their way," they commented, "It makes you sick to see over funded and over produced shows put together sub-standard output. It might make competition easier with them gone but it doesn't fill anyone with enthusiasm for the medium.  Here at Jack we give people apposite output that they will enjoy.  The general public don't want stories about sheep farming they want Phil Collins and Duran Duran."

"Local radio is a thing of the past," concluded Entwistle, "In this climate of streamlining and recession there is no place for rubbish except on our flagship channels."

Doctor Who Found In Hampshire Cupboard

by Shaky Parkinson

Fans of the long running debacle that is Doctor Who will be wetting themselves to the discovery of two missing episodes in a private collection in Hampshire.  Terry Burnett bought the prints at a school fete thirty years ago and until an encounter with Head of Heritage at the Radio Times, Ralph Montagu, was unaware of the goldmine he was sat on.

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" commented Burnett in a phone interview, "I've been struggling with the rent for years and I haven't eaten anything except baked beans on toast for several.  They haven't lost their appeal but I could really go for a cheeseburger.  With this windfall I might be able to get myself three or even four Big Macs."

The prints that date back to 1965 and 1967 will help fill the gaps in a number of scattered plots such as why was the show recommissioned and the creative motivation behind a time travelling Police Box.  "One of these episodes was the second in a four part serial that has until now been greeted with confusion and more confusion," claimed Terry Peckins, a loner from Stratford, "These episodes are the missing links all us fans have been waiting for to create some understanding as to why we have wasted our lives watching such an outdated over budgeted load of crap.  Finally we'll have answers."

It seems fans might have to wait a little longer for the release as negotiations between Burnett and the BBC move into their fifteenth day.  "It'll cost 'em," chuckled Burnett, "So far we are stuck on £800,000 and a free License Fee for life but I'm pushing for a million and that's still only half the budget for the last series so we're all winning."

The missing Fish People in all
their technical brilliance 

Either way it seems the television show will be hitting even higher ratings than before when the new episodes are broadcast while the amount of news coverage has brought forth other collectors from hiding.  "I've got ten complete unaired series of Crossroads that I found in a bin outside Jane Rossington's house if anyone wants them," claimed hermit, Joe Whereabouts.

"My prized possession is a lost episode of Coronation Street," claims archivist Polly Pocket, "It's the one where Deirdrie and Gale get bludgeoned to death by Ken Barlow but are miraculously saved when a world famous brain surgeon nips into the Rover's for a quick pint.  It was discarded when the producer's decided to go with the Richard Hillman storyline as they thought it would be what the audience wanted.  I've been quoted huge prices but it is staying on the mantelpiece with my Eldorado prints and my Robert Kilroy Silk cutout from Shafted."

It is thought the lost episodes will be airing on Christmas day and are expected to generate over ten billion viewers.