Obama Returning iPad To Reduce Deficit

by Shaky Parkinson

Recent reports show that Apple Inc are now the only people with any money anywhere and their current operating budget dwarfs even that of the US Government by billions of dollars.  In a desperate bid to even out the problem and raise some cash, American President Barrack Obama has agreed to put down his beloved iPad, Stevie.

"I had to no choice but to return him.  Steve Jobs is pretty well off and I'm thinking that with a refund we can help lower the deficit," stated Obama, "Stevie isn't a standard model either, he has all the sexy extras and I'm told he cost a bomb and the troops are really running low on them."

This comes in a week when America is to pass a bill giving itself the power to extend its own overdraft above its $14.3 Trillion Dollar limit.  "If the iPad scheme doesn't work then we have no choice but to push through the bill.  It will totally ruin our AAA Credit Rating but we are currently loosing $200 billion a month so choices have to be made," sobbed the President as he entered the Washington Apple Store.

Problems arose when Obama was later seen at his favourite cafe with Stevie laughing his butt off to the latest episode of 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians'.  When cornered he was quick to defend himself with a quick demonstration, "Look what it does!"  The resulting promotion created an even bigger financial gap between the two giants and the proposed Bill will be looked at this afternoon.

Child Paedophile Brought To Justice

by Shaky Parkinson

After being on the run for almost three years Police have finally tracked down notorious paedophile, Timmy Curious, at his Swindon hideout.  Curious, 6, has been wanted on charges of sexual conduct with minors and peaking up skirts since his escape from custody in 2008.

An anonymous tip off earlier this morning lead to a raid at a flat in Swindon resulting in Curious' capture and an end to his sordid dealings.  "We broke down the door in the earlier hours but Curious was already awake watching cartoons," stated Detective Don Digestive, "He managed to slip out of the kitchen window and make a break for it on his police styled electric quad bike but my men realised he wasn't using regulation light bulbs and pulled him over."

When police examined his Noddy themed Laptop they discovered over 13 trillion indecent images that included a sickeningly large amount of Phineas and Ferb promotional artwork.  Police are still unsure if the cartoon acted as motivation for Curious' actions but behavioural specialists are being called in to tackle the problem.

Curious, who is responsible for numerous therapy bills across Wiltshire and the Midlands has been on Britain's most wanted list since his birth in 2005.  "I think he took far too much pleasure when he came out," stated staff Doctor Mick Flibbins, "But in his defense his Mother had a wonderful vagina, pre birth of course."

A Judge at Swindon Crown Court was quick to sentence Curious to 30 years in a young offenders institute this afternoon saying, "He's been a very naughty boy and hurt a lot of people.  We need to make an example of this youth in a bid to stamp out such horrific activities and I plan to prosecute to the fullest extent of the law."

When dragged from court Timmy managed to whimper a statement through his blanky, "I just peaked at an earlier age, besides what else is there to do in Swindon."

Man Attacks Older Man In A Bid To Further Pathetic Career

by Shaky Parkinson

Part-time Stand-up Comedian Jonathan May-Bowles a.k.a. Jonnie Marbles, has today admitted attacking Old Man Murdoch with a foam pie during his hearing last week.  The moronic attack has today been ridiculed in court with claims that it, "Has helped fuel global stupidity and create a sickening tinge of sympathy to that haggard old megalomaniac.  You should be ashamed of yourself."

"I'm out for me," humbled Marbles, "I love myself, I love my jokes and I love my shocking comb over.  If this stint doesn't get me a reality show then the system will have failed me."

District Judge Daphne Wickham said, "This is a very naughty thing to do and he could go to jail from this act. I urge all television broadcasters and pub basements to be wary of employing this complete and utter fucktard."

Rupert Murdoch, who was saved by the heroic actions of his wife Wendi, was forced to finish his interrogation in nothing but his shirt and tie.  "It was embarrassing," he sobbed, "You don't know what it is like facing a panel of MP's without a jacket.  I can still hear the mumblings.  They said it was fine under the circumstances but I still feel dirty.  It was just jealousy, Marbles couldn't even wear shirtsleeves to his hearing and is just taking it out on the rest of us.  That pie took away my dignity and made me feel as cheap as a contestant on Family Fortunes."

Marbles who had the cheek to ask for a postponement on grounds of a 'pre-booked family holiday' is, "Really making a mockery of the justice system," claimed one Juror, "Amongst other things his reiteration of the sarcastic and insincere comment laid down by Murdoch last week just goes to show you that this man is an absolute cock!"

Marbles, who claimed his 'day' in court to have, "Been the most humble day of my life," apparently showed no signs of remorse and is being hailed by some critics as, "The greatest comedy genius of his minute," and others as, "About as humorous as a post curry shit."

Either way with Stand-up Comedians rapidly becoming the most revered and important people in the universe one thing is clear, Jonnie Marbles may be a colossal cunt but he's in the right line of work for it prove beneficial.

Sympathy For Norway Waning

by Shaky Parkinson

After last weeks car bomb attack in Oslo, sympathy for poor old Norway has already turned into bitter resentment.  It seems the incident has quickly lost its global standing with many world leaders calling the Norwegians, "Babies," and to, "Just get over it."

It seems Jamaica's 'Chill Out' and France's 'Shit Happens' sympathy cards have fallen on unsympathetic ears and have been deemed rude and insensitive by the Norwegians.

"Count yourselves lucky this is the worse thing that has happened to your country since the War.  God forbid anything really disastrous happened.  You sour faced bastards would crumble at the shock," fumed one Global Leader, "How about we stick a tsunami up your ass and see how you cope!"

It seems the social Utopian image being emitted from Norway over the past fifty years was just a publicity stunt claims UN Intelligence.  What with Anders Breivik's initial car bomb causing instant racist attacks in the capital, The World is starting to lose their patience.  "It seems homegrown terrorism is too good for Norway," chimed one Nation.

What with Norway's 100,000 strong Muslim population being the motivation for Anders' violent quest the immigrant population are quite rightly getting very worried at these turn of events.  It seems a man whose appearance screams 'Nazi' was deemed normal enough to warrant a lower threat level than the terrorist cell, Al-Qaeda.

When asked to comment Al-Qaeda said, "Who or what is a Norway?  Are they make believe like the Smurfs?  Why would we blow up the Smurfs?  We love the Smurfs."  Indeed initial reports claim that most Muslims thought they were to blame for the attack which in turn didn't further their cause.

Amid the thousands of gushing mourners roaming the capital's streets there was a sheepish group of Somalians getting some suspiciously aggressive looks.  "It seems Anders' goal may see fruition yet," whispered one Muslim Mother, "The shock of the event is too much for their small Liberal minds to handle and a backlash could potentially happen at anytime."

The killings have only highlighted the fact that behind their clean socialist image the Norwegians are just as racist and fractured as the rest of humanity.  "This really is a wake up call for the buggers," alleged David Cameron, "They should be counting themselves lucky the Death Toll went down.  I never catch a break."

Plans for a national Norwegian field trip to Somalia have met with large scale global enthusiasm but little encouragement at home.  "We'd love to go," grieved one Griever, "But there is just too much grieving to be done and we don't want to get contaminated with whatever it is they have over there."

Unfortunately Norway has failed to learn their lesson with a ten fold increase in national security coupled with fear at an all time monstrosity.  It seems a home grown political attack is still not their fault and the whole world should drop whatever it is doing and join in with their grief.

In response The World said, "They were washing their hair."

Positive 0.2% GDP Gets Negative Response

by Shaky Parkinson

The UK's Gross Domestic Product (GDP) grew by 0.2% in the second quarter of this year, claims the Office for National Statistics (ONS).  The news that the economy is improving has caused much anger throughout Westminster none more so than at Labour HQ where Ed Balls was appalled with the figures.

"It's all Osborne's fault," he raged over lunch, "0.2% is a really small number, it's less than one, so it can't possibly be good.  That VAT rise was outrageous, not to mention his damn spending review messing things up.  He has recklessly choked last year's recovery not too mention he looks like a cast off from the Muppet Show."

No one had the heart to tell Mr. Balls that 0.2% of an economy worth hundreds of billions of pounds was still quite a sizable chunk of cash and that even if growth wasn't hitting predicted levels it was still going up.

When asked for a comment George Osborne was happy, "Just because we aren't hitting the predicted targets doesn't mean things aren't on the up.  I once went to a psychic and she said that given time I would look like a real boy.  So you see you can't trust these things."

Nick Pearce of Institute for Public Policy Research (IPPR) was even more wanked off by the statistics.  "If the economy doesn't get back on track I'm right up shit creek.  At this rate we'll only get about 1.2% annual growth and if I want to keep my kneecaps it needs to be at least 2.6%.  That's the last time I gamble on the advice of Mystic Meg," he whimpered from behind the curtains.

"What more do people want?" continued Osborne, "Growth is growth, unemployment is going down and it isn't my fault if people have spent all their disposable income on a third rate athletics competition."

"That is completely unfounded and true," reacted Pearce, "The recession continues to be felt and the UK economy might as well still be in recession, even if it technically isn't."

Norwegian Man Furious At Lost Invite

by Shaky Parkinson

Anders Behring Breivik, a 32-year-old Norwegian nutbag has murdered at least 93 people on Utoeya Island just outside the capital.  It seems Breivik was motivated to the horrific act after not being invited to the annual Labour Party Youth Camp.

After his car bomb protest in Oslo went relatively unnoticed by security forces, Breivik drove his silver van the 25 miles North West to Utoeya in a bid to, "Really make his point."  It was here that he strategically impersonated a police officer and used his cunning disguise to gate crash the party.

When asked, "To come out and play," the lack of resulting enthusiasm from his victims, "Was a huge mistake," claimed one Survivor.  "In our defense he was really creepy," gibbered another could have been, "We told him it was a Socialist Youth Camp and that as a Right-Wing Fundamentalist Racist we didn't want to play with him.  It was a bit of a shame because he had brought some cool guns to share with us."

Upon being rejected a second time Breivik reportedly, "Flew off the handle and started shooting the shit.  Literally."  "He was an animal," said one Youngster, "We tried to hop foot it into the lake but he kept shooting at us."  Some children were able to hide in nearby caves and shrubs but that didn't stop Breivik in his murderous rampage.

It took police 40 minutes to arrive on the scene and a further hour to finish their coffee and begin operations.  In that time Breivik had decide to stop his rampage but having noticed that his point was still going unquestioned he continued the massacre with renewed vigour by shooting all of the dead bodies a second time, "For some real emphasis."

Eventually Police confronted the killer who gladly put down his guns to be lead away for questioning which later showed the attack to have been motivated, "By being left out and ignored.  They know how much I love the big parachute and campfires.  It was really hurtful not just emotionally, but physically.  Some people just don't know how that feels." Asked why he chose to make his point by murdering 100 innocent people he claimed it was, "Gruesome but necessary."

Detectives were shocked as to Breivik's actions asking him, "Why didn't you just do something dull like any normal Scandinavian?" In response Breivik claimed to be, "Thinking outside the box," and that he, "Wouldn't use an ammunition crate as a control next time."

The government is today looking into the incident to get to the route of why Mr. Breivik's invitation was never sent out.  Initial evidence hints that Breivik had been unhappy about the situation for many years, having voice his opinions in Anti-Muslim videos on YouTube, a feed on Twitter and during his eight year stint as a member of Norwegians' Right-Wing Progress Part.  There was even more swearing when it was revealed that he had recently bought six tonnes of artificial fertiliser for, "Use on his farm," and that his national service training had left him in legal possession of two firearms.

"This was always on the cards and it was a rookie mistake that we didn't cater a political event to silence this fundamentalist fuck nut.  I blame myself.  And also him," sobbed Norwegian Prime Minister, Jens Stoltenberg.

Americans Forced to Acknowledge Rest of the World

by Jack 'The Mac' Mack

The American media was turned upside down today when rumours surfaced about news coverage of an event that wasn't about America, Iraq, Afghanistan or any communist countries. A worried CNN correspondent reported: "I thought it was something really important like a poodle show in Philadelphia. However there were all these people in a room talking about phones and bullying this old man. We ran the story because news is news but we weren't really sure what was happening."

Viewers at home were furious. A Mr. Verne Large of Texas said. "I rang my news centre to complain. Jay Leno was making jokes about the UK. I thought he meant USA at first but then there was a different second letter and a third missing so I was really confused. I can't have been the only one calling in as I was on hold for over an hour. What the hell is going on?"

Top news representatives were quick to reassure the public that the news was USA-centric. "We'd like everyone to know the person at the center of this is Rupert Murdoch who lives in America and gives us quality broadcasting. Yes, he's from Australia but he lives here. The guy makes The Simpsons for god's sake. You can't get more American than that."

Rupert Murdoch was unavailable for comment but his wife clawed our correspondent's eyes out.

People Visit Dress

by Shaky Parkinson

A dress worn to a recent Royal shindig is going on display at Buckingham Palace to the delight of unloved chubby women everywhere.  The dress was worn at some sort of wedding thingy by a lass from Reading.

The piece of cloth is said to be the envy of woman everywhere and its showcase I've been assured has caused ripples somewhere on the planet.  It seems thousands of people will turn out to see the dress for a good gawping and possibly a few tears.

The owner of the dress is said to be traveling down from Cambridge for a special one on one private viewing of the arranged fabric with the Queen.  Once the ceremony is over the dress will be opened to visitors for some such reason.

Guests pilgrimages to see the dress will not be in vain as we have assurances that it will be accompanied by veil and tiara.

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher Split

by Brutal Robbins

After hours of speculation Demi Moore, 48, has revealed that her marriage to Ashton Kutcher, 33, is soon to be no more. The story comes as a huge surprise to many fans seeing the couple’s public service announcement, taking a stand against child prostitution and human trafficking, only started in April of this year.

The couple, who tied the knot in September, 2005 have been on rocky ground for a while, reveals Moore in her press announcement.  “Yeah, things between me and Ashton have been a little weird as of late. “ Reveals Moore “Everything was fine at first, domination, kinky sex play, threesomes even a little backdoor action on his birthday. But this past year Ashton has developed a kind of obsession.”

When asked if she cared to elaborate on this statement Moore barely hesitated before saying “Ashton likes to pleasure himself, like most men, this in itself isn’t a strange habit. What Ashton was into though was doing that while watching my performance in Striptease. You know that movie I did a few years ago.”

“Well at first I was flattered, of course, what self respecting woman wouldn’t be, but now it’s gotten to that stage where he’s doing it on a too regular basis. Last month he did it thirteen times in one day, while I was in the house and when I asked him about it his response was to turn up the volume on the TV and continue with what he was doing. Well I just can’t take that kind of abuse.”

This revelation also explains why DVD sales of Demi Moores 1996, sex comedy, STRIPTEASE have sky rocketed recently. As Moore explained “Oh the DVD’s. He wares them out so quickly, he’s had to buy a new disc for every room of every house.”

The story seems to be a little deeper than Demi Moore is letting on however as only two hours after the press announcement Ashton Kutcher argued via his twitter feed that the problems between the couple have stemmed from Moore herself.

“That b**ch, she has a nerve. I broke it off with her because of her obsession with my performance in The Butterfly Effect. She keeps looking at that scene where I have no arms and I’m drowning in the tub, and she laughs. Then when she’s done she gets me to wrap up my arms and act out the scene for her in person, while she just sits there. One time I caught her trying to cut my real arms off while I slept.”

When asked if the rumours about him becoming obsessed with STRIPTEASE were true, the future TWO AND A HALF MEN star had this to say “That’s a load of horse s**t. I hate that movie, everyone does. The real reason the sales have been up lately is because Burt Reynolds has been lonely again.”

No doubt the truth as to what has really happened between the couple will be revealed over the coming weeks. When approached to give his side of the story, Burt Reynolds refused to comment.

Miliband Down In The Dumps

by Shaky Parkinson

A shocking revelation has brought to light the fact that Ed Miliband has been walking around Westminster with a toilet on his head.  The toilet was first noticed yesterday at Mario's Pasta Emporium by a member of the public.  It seems the Labour leader was enjoying a light dinner after a grueling day of Tory slagging and upon thanking the waiter for his meal he attracted the attention of his fellow patrons.

Fellow diner, Reg Gusset, was, "Shocked to see the Labour leader express gratitude," but was even more shocked when his application of interest revealed the stained white porcelain of an Armitage classic. "It was incredible, I've never paid any attention to his crap but you would have thought his own party would have noticed something," he continued.

Asked if he would leave the restaurant Miliband said, "No," then politely threatened to sue the owner for emotional damage and whiplash saying, "This is a democracy and my political views are just as valid as anyone's here.  I won't be alienated by my position"  Mario responded with, "What position is that Sir?" and upon Miliband's insistence that he was head of the Labour Party, Mario insisted he should leave.

Once the story broke and people actually started listening to Miliband the toilet was in plain view for all to see. "I don't know what the fuss is about," said Ed's Mum, "It's always been like this.  I remember him playing politician as child.  Streaking up and down the landing with freshly formed policies, waving paper around and spewing out filth.  It is very unbecoming but he is still my little boy and I love him dearly even if he is head of the Labour Party.  Although it would be nice not to get all those looks at the supermarket."

The general opinion floating around Westminster is that Miliband has such a liking for his own bullshit that he can't bear to be separated from it.  Donald Intelligent, a behavioural specialist from Oxford College Oxford was intrigued by the matter, "It seems the ego of this young man, coupled with a knowing insecurity about his skill, intelligence and personality have manifested itself in the need for constant affirmation.  In this case, the bullshit he is being fed by his aids becomes a reassurance and he cannot bare to be parted from the reaction.  This is very much like Gordon Brown's comfort blanket and Tony Blair's toy soldiers."

Miliband's housekeeper Doris was, "Just as shocked as the rest of the country, but it does explain why we have regular deliveries from Toilet Duck."

Ed Miliband quickly organised a press conference to discuss the situation but unfortunately no one showed up and the big hoorah quickly faded from memory.  MP's were seen wondering around Westminster confused as to the recent hysterics and 'funny smell', that a press release from Labour HQ stated was probably caused by the Tories and that Cameron should be forced to resign.

Cameron responded calling Miliband a 'pooh pooh head' and was surprised by the effectiveness of the insult.

PM's Trip Cut By Three Days

by Shaky Parkinson

David Cameron was today peeved at plans to cut his sojourn to South Africa by three days because of the absolute mess caused by News International's alleged phone hacking activities.  "This is bollocks," he sulked to his scheduling committee, "Why can't I stay the full five days, it's Mandela's Birthday Party and everything.  I miss all the fun."

Today's resignation of Met Commissioner, Sir Paul Stephenson, has put increasing pressure on the Prime Minister to shorten his trading holiday.  "It's probably best the PM doesn't look like he is running away, even if the weather over their is looking pretty good," stated the PM's head of staff.

Cameron was even more upset when the trade meetings he had planned were all squished together and his trip to the beach was cancelled.  "This is so unfair, I wanted a nice little dip in the ocean and now I'm stuck talking to people.  I bought a new bucket and spade and everything.  It is so boring, can't they just do what I say and go away," he whined while dragging his suitcase to the meeting.

"I couldn't go swimming in China, India or Afghanistan and now I'm stuck in board meetings.  I can see the beach from the window.  It isn't fair.  I should have gone to Mexico with Cleggy," he commented.

Asked if he could comment on his hiring of ex News Of The World Editor, Andy Coulson he groaned, "How was I supposed to know he was a bit dodgy? I'm a politician, we're all dodgy.  If it wasn't for journalists I wouldn't have anyone fun to talk to.  I only hired him because of his Bob The Builder Lunchbox."

Elaborating he claimed that, "Andy also came with a letter of recommendation from himself which the others didn't have so I couldn't not give him the job, he may have told his Mum on me.  That doesn't excuse his hacking of people's phones.  He is such a twathead.  I hope he gets locked up and never sees a beach as long as he lives.  Does he realise how busy I am now and I haven't even brushed my teeth."

The PM was suddenly ushered away from the press for nap time and colouring in leaving Theresa May to talk to the press.  "No one put any pressure on Sir Paul to resign, it seems Neil Wallis' involvement got the better of the old codger.  These fucking journalists are really just dicking around at the wrong time.  This mess is really going to spill over into the summer break," she sighed.

As usual Labour had nothing constructive to say in the matter.

American Woman To Sue Over Fart

by Shaky Parkinson

Rufus Loose, a shop clerk from Chicago, will appear in court today after being sued by a fellow bus passenger over an alleged fart he released into her vicinity during a trip on the 146 Red Line Circuit.

Ms. Laurie Sniffs has triggered the lawsuit after she inadvertently partook of the noxious excretion on her way home from work.  "I was disgusted, one minute I was looking forward to a roast chicken dinner then my life was flipped into chaos," she sobbed in court, "This event has triggered deep emotional scarring, traumatic tendencies and whiplash."

Ms. Sniffs' Lawyer, Gary Exploit of Opportunistic and Sons Ltd, is thrilled with how today's trial turned out.  "It's early days but we have got him on the runs, that slippery bastard is not going to get away with this.  I want this silent and deadly issue to brought to the forefront of public knowledge.  We can't have people going around letting one slip on public transport." he yelled at a press conference.

Rufus sheepishly took the stand earlier on claiming, "It just slipped out."  He went onto attack Ms. Sniffs of talking 'hot air' and being an inconsiderate passenger, "I couldn't help it, I had explosive diarrhea and was really holding back the flood gates, your lucky all you got was an eggy whiff."

The trial went into recess this afternoon with the coming of new evidence by a fellow Passenger that may prove Ms. Sniffs was indeed, "Talking really really loudly into her iPhone that had Willow Smiths' 'Whip My Hair' as its ringtone."  Mr. Loose's Lawyers claimed that if the evidence is indeed tangible we will be counter suing as, "Loud phone conversations are likely to cause irritation, anger and whiplash, something that my client has been afflicted with since the incident."

While rumours of a counter suing were in full force Ms. Sniffs' Lawyers came back with a counter counter lawsuit claiming that Mr. Loose's shopping was, "Taking up an extra seat and if she had been pregnant there would have been nowhere for her to sit."

In a radical move Ms. Sniffs' Lawyers also issued the Judge with a mandate for, "Not taking the case seriously."  When asked for a comment Ms. Sniffs said she was suffering from too much whiplash and trauma to answer any questions.

The case is set to spiral out of control when the Driver came forward claiming, "No one said thank you when alighting from the bus," but was in turn counter sued when allegations of his missing a stop, "Causing Ms. Old Lady Wilkins to get off 800 metres down the road instead of outside her house."

The outcome of the multiple lawsuits will indeed take months if not years to seep through the Courts who are hoping that a, "Fair settlement and implementation of justice can prevail."

Mexican Prison Bursts After Overcrowding

by Shaky Parkinson

A mass bursting at Nuevo Laredo Prison in Northern Mexico has left seven prisoners dead and fifty-nine thrown into the surrounding landscape.  The prison that lies only miles from the American border was being filled up with recent convicts from a national drug campaign but due to the influx was unable to take the strain and subsequently burst.

It appears the increasing bulges were first noticed on Friday and coupled with an increase in financial tightening put pressure on a pocket of guards who were forced to release the strain.  Five guards who were unavailable for comment due to their mysterious disappearance have been held accountable for, "Pussing out and opening the door.  Didn't those fools learn anything from watching Hillsborough?" Yelled Prison Warden, Jesus Pepe, after his nap.  Asked what plans he had to recapture the absconders he said, "It isn't my turn.  I did it in December and there was like 140 of them.  Hey, did I take my nap yet?"

The army was quickly called in to secure the burst building and prevent an even massier mass bulge out, much to the pleasing of President Calderon whose war on drugs pushed him to power in 2006.  "Well he got his war alright," whinged Calderon's main rival, "But I promise a war on prison overcrowding and drugs, so there."

More than 35,000 people have died since Calderon's campaign was put into place and so, "A few little prisoners aren't too much of a biggy.  They'll probably get shot on the border or something.  It'll blow over, just chill.  I better go lie down," he reassured reporters through a docile gaze.

What with more than 400 prisoners bursting forth in the last 18 months and prison bulging becoming more commonplace it seems what little pockets of resistance still stand are quickly being stuffed out.  People across the border say they aren't worried at this recent burst saying, "I just checked in with the realtor and the house price is still fine, so we are looking in good shape."

The Mexican drug cartels that are causing the bulging due to conflicts over smuggling routes into the US are fighting back strong and may mean a rise in prison bulging in the coming future.  Top political analyst, Jose Carlos commented, "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

As we can see drug cartels control all of the countries territory including Calderon's country house but will forcing the cartels into prison really solve the problem? "I dunno," he muttered between snores.

Five Dead In Mind Blowing Explosion

by Shaky Parkinson

Five Men have died and another is, "Very poorly," after a bout with some homemade liquor at an industrial estate in Boston, Lincolnshire.  It is unclear why the party were partying, but the general opinion is that they were celebrating a successful job well done.

Unfortunately the party got out of hand at 7PM last night and rapidly deteriorated into what the Forensic Team are describing as, "One hell of an evening.  Wish I'd been there."

Police are saddened by the loss with Chief Constable Bobbins saying, "No one should die partying.  Forgetting the night before is something you enjoy while living.  We will never forget this brave band of fun enthusiasts and their memory will live on until it is forgotten or possibly remembered."

Anti-liquor group, TWATS (Total Willing Attitude Towards Sobriety) quickly seized upon the tragedy claiming an accident like this was always possible.  "It was always possible," puffed Lyn Schmob, head of the organisation, "This one off, extremely rare and probably highly inaccurate case is just one in a short list of horrific accidents that can occur with the brewing of illegal toxins."

The Families of the dead partygoer's are saddened by the loss but are hoping to get a fresh batch on before the memorial service that will be held throughout the week at 'The Dog and Lion'.  "We wanted to do a candlelit vigil but the TWATS thought it too dangerous," gulped one Widow.

The people of Boston are sending their thoughts out to the families of the deceased and, "Will be there around 5ish for service." One resident, Danny Puffin philosophised, "You won't see the likes of them again."

A full investigation is underway to compile a timeline of last night's events, find any surviving images for Facebook uploading and discern exactly what barley was being used to give the brew such an intriguing texture.

Yoko One To Sue Husband's Memory

by Shaky Parkinson

Yoko Ono is at it again, this time by trying to crush the memory of her late husband and former Jesus lookalike, John Lennon.  Dundee resident and owner of Lennon's, Mike Craig, was sent a letter by Ono's lawyers claiming his memorabilia of infringing copyright.

Amidst confusion and packing Craig had this to say, "Hey buddy I'm just as confused as you this is all authorised merchandise, can you pass me that packing tape."

Ono has yet to comment on the lawsuit but is determined to see the pub renamed and all images of John to be removed within the fortnight.

Craig who has spent thousands of pounds decking out his pub with images of his favourite singer was flabbergasted at the decision.  As was Ronald, the bars resident 'old man at the bar', "This place has been like a home to me these past five years, what's that silly bint up to now.  Isn't she rich enough?  Surely a pub set up to remember one of the world's greatest artists is a good thing.  Share the love and all that," he puked over the bar.

Ever the optimist Craig has not let the decision bother him and after a bit of remodeling McCartney's will be opening this fall.

Gordon Brown Jumps On Ethics Bandwagon In Bid To Be Remembered

by Shaky Parkinson

Former country wrecker Gordon Brown has today attacked News International over its "Disgusting" methods, "Ruthless tactics," and links to the "Criminal Underworld."  "I'VE been out of the limelight for a while and MY PR team said I should attack something big and this seemed the best candidate," the MP stated off the record, "I AM totally willing to rape the notion of ethics if it gets ME and MY POOR, POOR, ill son into the papers."

Asked what he thought about the phone hacking scandal he said, "It is outrageous and disgusting, but enough about that let's talk about ME.  You know they had MY bank details, MY details, it is a disgrace at the way MY personal information can be shared around without any regards to the consequences."  The rest of his mumbling about "Unlawful tactics, Milly Dowler and ordinary citizens," went unheard as our reporter was usurped by a man claiming to be himself.

Further questioning about his administration's dependence on spin journalism and his own alleged media abuses, Brown concluded the interview and ran out of the building, he later claimed, "In tears," but failed to make the exit after slipping on an ID card brochure.

Ed Miliband was quick to defend the MP by whoring himself out to the press with a visit to the Dowler family home.  Amidst winks at the assembled photographers he brought the now meaningless 'D' word into effect and demanded that the Tories sort out, "Justice for them," and that, "Action should be taken on a broad range of issues."

Asked to elaborate Miliband started sweating, blamed the Tories and ran out of the house to hide behind a nearby newsagents.  David Cameron was quick to respond with gritted teeth to say his heart, "Went out to Gordon and Sarah Brown."

Many detailed investigations, reports and investigations are already underway with a delighted Whitehall making many enthusiastic trips to the stationary cupboard.

'Give Us Back Our Race', Waffle French

by Shaky Parkinson

This year's Tour De France is off to a controversial and shocking start with accusations of French 'rule fiddling'.  Today's set back by Team Saxo Bank in the Team Time Trials and the numerous crashes on Stage One have left reigning champion Alberto Contador with a two minute deficit on his rivals.

Contador, whose victory last year is still in question seems pretty bummed at the turn of events. "Something is up, I don't trust these froggies walking around with bolt cutters and spanners, it doesn't seem right," stated the champion after today's stage.

Amid claims of doping and being brilliant Contador is fighting a court battle to retain his 2010 Yellow Jersey, but due to postponement by his lawyers he will not be in court until after this years race.  This has provoked madness by the French organisers saying that, "If his bastard Spanish legs win again this year and he loses in court, we'll take that one away from him as well."

Since Lance Armstrong's seven victories ended in 2005 the Tour De France has been won exclusively by Spanish cyclists and rumours are running rampant that the French are doing all they can to bump Contador from the race.  One important looking bloke let this be overheard, "Damn, this is looking pretty bad, non?  We aven't won our own fucking race in twenty five years.  Sort it."

Since Bernard Hinault's victory in 1985 there have been eleven Spanish and nine American victories and our unknown source continued, "Balls to the spotty coloured shirt, we want the good one.  I'm sick of these foreign people cheating us."

Contador was furious at the two crashes that occurred within the final five kilometers of yesterday's opening stage in which the 3km rule was put in place to bump up all the riders except for himself and his fellow countrymen to equal standings.  "This is shit," he fumed, "that bizarre rule only works if you are on the flat but we were going uphill."

In response the French Race Referee had this to say, "It looked pretty flat from were I was standing, he needs to get his eyes tested, non?"  The 'like it and lump it' attitude to Tour decisions is integral to the outcome of races and the organisers were firm to state, "Any balance to this delicate race might prove catastroph, non?"

Contador who is made of tougher stuff finished his conference with, "Who cares, I'll win it in the mountains and does anyone know why that guy is fiddling with my brakes?"

Andy Murray On Top Form

by Shaky Parkinson

Andy Murray has come up trumps by dazzling spectators with a stunning performance in his Wimbledon Semi-final match against Raphael Nadal.

Murray's arrogant, rude and ego ridden nature enabled him to push on through such set backs as winning the first set to achieve an inevitable end result.  "I've been training hard and I'm proud of my performance today," he stated after the match.

Adrenaline pumped crowds were seen leaving centre court pleased at Murray's game saying, "We got the outcome we were expecting."  Boris Becker said, "He played a consistent game and it was enticing to watch."

Asked in detail about his performance Murray said, "errrr, errrr, errrr, well, I played well, stuck it out, errrr, didn't get bogged down with two many break points and my unforced errors were better than I had hoped."  He followed this up with a shrug followed by, "I was let down by my serving, I think it is the weakest part of my game and was really pushing me towards the final, so I had to deal with that."

Murray's performance was textbook continued Becker, "He got off to a horrendous start, but then after really getting into his stride he was able to lose a number of service games before winding things up with a fourth set hissy fit."

Murray's opponent Raphael Nadal was disappointed at his victory and the chance to defend his Wimbledon title saying, "I tried my best but I just have too much charisma and talent to beat Andy, he played a fine game."

For years Murray's special brand of dour blandness has been proving a winning formula with the crowd and it is hoped that today's successful accomplishments will change the wave of popular feeling and give him the edge in next years tournament.

Bringing up the British contingent was Michael McIntyre, whose beady eyes were watching from the crowd just outside bottle range.  Asked what he made of the match he had this to say, "A ten piece cutlery set." although this demonstration of wit was later attributed elsewhere.

Flight Lieutenant Goes AWOL

by Shaky Parkinson

Staff at RAF Valley woke up to the realisation that one of their pilots; one William Arthur Phillip Louis Windsor has gone AWOL.  Flight Lieutenant Windsor, who is part of the Search and Rescue Team, was discovered to have disappeared early this week without so much as a goodbye and a wave.

"This is a massive disappointment," sighed Commanding Officer Bruce Hedley, "He is always disappearing for days and weeks at a time without explanation, and it is causing far too many problems."

"Not two months ago we saw him on television gate crashing an event at Westminster Abbey.  This was followed by a two-week absence and when he returned he looked a little worn out.  Hardly the kind of condition he was needed in for active duty."

There was much criticism bounding around Search and Rescue HQ and one pilot called the debunk, "A bloody disgrace.  Last time I went AWOL I was reprimanded, fined, hung, drawn and quartered.  But William gets off scot-free.  Who does he think he is?"

A search was set in motion and it was quickly discovered that the pilot was flaunting himself around Canada with some, "Skinny bird."  Military Police were quickly sent to recapture the absconder but were forced back by crowds of screaming tourists.  "There was nothing we could do," cried Paul Chiggles, "There was just too many of them."

"We have no choice but to implement all of our legal force to expel him from the army," screamed Hedley, "I will not have my base given such a bad reputation.  This time he is out and I don't care who his Nan is."

A Spokesman for Mr. Windsor said, "Although it is regrettable that my client is unable to rescue people off the Anglesey coast, he is taking part in some much needed moral boosting in the colonies.  So deal with it," he concluded matters with a stern look and the words, "You do know who his Nan is don't you?"