iApple Hits Shops

by Shaky Parkinson

Tim Cook at iApple launch.

Apple's new portable device the iApple hit the high street this morning with fans already queueing round the block to get their hands on what experts are dubbing 'The decades most revolutionary invention'.

"The iApple is not just an apple," claimed Apple CEO Tim Cook, "It's the latest innovation in mobile technology.  Much like we did with the desktop computer and the mobile phone we have taken this simple fruit and developed it in a way that will suit our customers needs and further the Apple brand."

"Our consumers are always looking for the next big technological development and the iApple is there to help them on the way.  Its goal is to cater to the professional who is so busy with their important rushing about that eating not only becomes a choir but a nuisance.  With incorporated calorie counter, iTunes connectivity and wireless Internet the iApple aims to time manage people's eating habits in a healthy way whilst offering up all the essential communication tools of a high end Apple product."

Feeding the world.  The iApple.

It seems the public are eager to get their hands on the new device that comes equipped not only with all the plug-ins, apps and accessibility of a standard iPhone but with a calorie counter, diet instructor and fat measurer coupled with tasty nourishing abilities that are set to path the way for a fresh surge in healthy living.

"I've been queuing up here for roughly a month," claimed avid Apple fan Stephen Fry, "If the iApple is as awesome as my iPhone then I'm willing to pay the £800 for the privilege of using it."

"If it has Angry Birds on it then I'm sold," claimed Publicist Shelia Gonk.

"Increase in whole sale fruit."

Retail analysts are predicting that the release of the iApple could see a positive effect on the high street at a time when many retailers are struggling with closure.  Although many critics are claiming that the Apple brand is becoming far to monopolising, recent statistics show an increase in wholesale fruit and vegetables as Apple licensed fruit and vegetable stores sprout up across the country.

The scene on Regent Street.

"We're out to crush our competitors," continued Cook, "And we see our backing as key to the survival of the fledging fruit and veg industry in the UK.  As a company we're innovators and with our skills coupled with that of the already well-established apple we can promote healthy, clean living with integrated Wi-Fi at a reasonable and excessive cost.  With Apple's global appeal we plan on putting an iApple into the hands of everyone on the globe.  Simply put the iApple is the future."

The Online iApple App Store has already seen a massive surge in activity since stores opened at 8am this morning and it is thought that the trend will continue.  Experts are also expecting to see increased sales in healthy food products with many brands already using the iApple's technology to syndicate their products.

"The public won't stand."

The news wasn't all jubilant with court cases and criticism hitting Apple's door like a barrage of shit.  "The apple is a fruit and cannot be licensed by one company alone," claimed Granny Smith, "This kind of corporate intrusion cannot be justified and no matter how many features it has the public won't stand for this."

The iApple's classic features.

Samsung also bruised Apple's side by filing a number of lawsuits against the company claiming that they had infringed patent copyright, "We invented the apple years ago and Apple have simply ripped off our technology for their own uses," fumed Samsung Chairman Lee Kun-hee, "They must be stopped."

Cook responded by claiming, "That Apple has breached no copyright laws and that its fruity technology is its own," before going onto accost Samsung CEO Kwon Oh-hyun of failing to produce proof of the accusations, "If we can steal from the Beatles we can steal from anybody and regardless of these accusations it is clear that the iApple is having a positive impact on the consumer market," he concluded.

Samsung made no further statements and their concerns were lost amid news that the iApple 2.0 will be hitting shelves next month featuring upgrades such as a 16 mega-pixel camera as well as orange, kiwi and strawberry coloured models. 

"I'm A Fig Man," Claims Jobs

by Shaky Parkinson

In a shock turn of events Apple CEO, Steve Jobs has thrown in the towel and resigned from his position as ruler of the universe.  "I've been living a lie for too long, I'm a fig man, and the knowledge has been eating away at me like a cancer," he stated in a press conference.

Jobs who is the brains behind some of the greatest technological innovations of the last fifteen years has decided to step down from his coveted position to spend more time, "Away from computers and apples, I fucking hate apples."  With such iconic designs as the iMac and the iPod under his belt it seems Jobs is happy to leave behind him a legacy he can be proud of.

In a heart warming interview Jobs commented, "I can't live with the shame anymore, I'm a fig lover and I'm proud of it.  I pitched the Fig Macintosh to the board but they shot it down.  If only Jim hadn't been dieting that week my peace of mind might not have been shattered."

"I mean Apple's?  They suck, that waxy coating tastes like crap and you always get bits of skin stuck in your teeth, who needs that shit?  Not me, I'm leaving.  I may even start up a rival portable music device.  I could call it the Figatron or Figgle.  That sounds like the sort of thing the youth of today will lap up.  Damn apples."

Back stabbing is already underway for Jobs' job with his potential successor's brown nosing on a level hereto only thought of as myth.  Fig shares also sky rocketed this week with one Grocer in Silicon Valley claiming, "Sorry love, no figs today, just sold the last lot to that smelly guy in the suit."

With Jobs' departure shares in Apple Inc suffered a slump before stock holders' realised their mountains of gold weren't going to be shifted by any negativity and so a champagne party was thrown and shares went back to normal.

"He'll be missed," claimed the Apple workforce, "Sure the levels of security, privacy and paranoia resulted in a few suicides but hey, shit happens."

Obama Returning iPad To Reduce Deficit

by Shaky Parkinson

Recent reports show that Apple Inc are now the only people with any money anywhere and their current operating budget dwarfs even that of the US Government by billions of dollars.  In a desperate bid to even out the problem and raise some cash, American President Barrack Obama has agreed to put down his beloved iPad, Stevie.

"I had to no choice but to return him.  Steve Jobs is pretty well off and I'm thinking that with a refund we can help lower the deficit," stated Obama, "Stevie isn't a standard model either, he has all the sexy extras and I'm told he cost a bomb and the troops are really running low on them."

This comes in a week when America is to pass a bill giving itself the power to extend its own overdraft above its $14.3 Trillion Dollar limit.  "If the iPad scheme doesn't work then we have no choice but to push through the bill.  It will totally ruin our AAA Credit Rating but we are currently loosing $200 billion a month so choices have to be made," sobbed the President as he entered the Washington Apple Store.

Problems arose when Obama was later seen at his favourite cafe with Stevie laughing his butt off to the latest episode of 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians'.  When cornered he was quick to defend himself with a quick demonstration, "Look what it does!"  The resulting promotion created an even bigger financial gap between the two giants and the proposed Bill will be looked at this afternoon.