New Red Arrows Fatal Landing Display "A Huge Success"

by Shaky Parkinson

An air show by the RAF's famous Red Arrow display team turned to shit on Saturday when one of the planes crashed in a field outside Bournemouth killing 33-year-old Flight Lieutenant Jon Egging.  Despite being whisked from the plane before impact, the Flight Lieutenant suffered a severe beating that left him dead on impact.  It is thought the crash was due to scrambled electronics that left the Hawk T1 a shell of its former self.

"It was bound to happen at some point," sighed Group Captain Simon Blake, the Commandant of the RAF Central Flying School, "We are just too damn good, something like this was bound to kick us up the arse.  You can't play the odds for 32 years and escape incident free.  We thought about taking a five year hiatus to even out the odds but the punters were to enthralled by all our wavy jet streams to let us go and I can't blame them, they do look sweet.  Still, today's incident should level things out for the next decade.  All in all, it was a huge success.  It was risky but things worked out for the best."

Nicholas Gore, a bypasser who was out strolling, saw the Hawk T1 fly into an adjacent field and land belly up in a river.  "I heard this loud crack, not an explosion, just a crack.  But that could have been my Kellog's variety mix."

Another bystander, who wished to remain anonymous, we'll call him Dicky Penis said, "The plane skidded for a few hundred metres before it landed in the river," after which he ran off into the undergrowth.

By all accounts it seems Lt. Egging's final piece of skill lay in his ability to crash land a high powered jet plane with the upmost care for the surrounding wildlife.  "He loved a good steak," claimed his rightly distraught wife, Dr. Emma Egging, "It's just so sad to see him gone, but it's good to know he was caring until the end."

The doctor and jet pilot couple have been begrudgingly mourned by the local populace with a book of condolence that has proved a popular attraction for the locals, with anyone who attended the display getting a 50% discount as reimbursement for a spoilt weekend.

"This is the worst thing to happen to this country in months," said one Local, who when pushed also said, "What riots?"

Flight Lieutenant Goes AWOL

by Shaky Parkinson

Staff at RAF Valley woke up to the realisation that one of their pilots; one William Arthur Phillip Louis Windsor has gone AWOL.  Flight Lieutenant Windsor, who is part of the Search and Rescue Team, was discovered to have disappeared early this week without so much as a goodbye and a wave.

"This is a massive disappointment," sighed Commanding Officer Bruce Hedley, "He is always disappearing for days and weeks at a time without explanation, and it is causing far too many problems."

"Not two months ago we saw him on television gate crashing an event at Westminster Abbey.  This was followed by a two-week absence and when he returned he looked a little worn out.  Hardly the kind of condition he was needed in for active duty."

There was much criticism bounding around Search and Rescue HQ and one pilot called the debunk, "A bloody disgrace.  Last time I went AWOL I was reprimanded, fined, hung, drawn and quartered.  But William gets off scot-free.  Who does he think he is?"

A search was set in motion and it was quickly discovered that the pilot was flaunting himself around Canada with some, "Skinny bird."  Military Police were quickly sent to recapture the absconder but were forced back by crowds of screaming tourists.  "There was nothing we could do," cried Paul Chiggles, "There was just too many of them."

"We have no choice but to implement all of our legal force to expel him from the army," screamed Hedley, "I will not have my base given such a bad reputation.  This time he is out and I don't care who his Nan is."

A Spokesman for Mr. Windsor said, "Although it is regrettable that my client is unable to rescue people off the Anglesey coast, he is taking part in some much needed moral boosting in the colonies.  So deal with it," he concluded matters with a stern look and the words, "You do know who his Nan is don't you?"