Flame Dies For Olympic Enthusiasm

by Shaky Parkinson

Flame Off.

A typically Russian Olympic torch relay began this morning in Moscow where the flame started its 40,000 mile journey to the town of Sochi in time for the Winter Games in February. The flame is set to travel across the Arctic Ocean, underwater and be blasted into space in one of the most pretentious administrative tasks in history.

Barely a mile from the podium and trouble set in when former swimming champion Shavarsh Karapetyan was dismayed to find that the flame had jumped ship while still in sight of the Kremlin wall. "Probably doesn't dig the cold," he chuckled as a Security Guard tried desperately to reignite Russia's hopes of a gloriously impressive opening ceremony.

"I can't see."

"Surely that counts as a loss?" stated renowned Olympic hater Shaky Parkinson, "I'm not an expert, especially when it comes to people running around in circles, but I do know that when a flame is extinguished and needs to be relit then you are dealing with a different flame just the same gas source and container and I'm pretty sure those rolled off a production line a few months back so I can't see how any form of tradition or ceremony can really be kept alive with this farce."

He continued, "You honestly think that they've kept a flame alive since 1936, with these gas prices? What does it say when you're on your understudy after three hundred metres? This is just another example of how the Olympics is a pretentious load of twaddle. The Olympics is hardly Wimbledon or the Tour De France, neither of these events dick around with 123 day televised warm up jog and they are much cooler."

"It sputtered."

Vladimir Putin and onlookers.

Despite the problems, and the cold weather tens of mistakenly dressed individuals eagerly lined the streets around the Kremlin for a brief glimpse of the flame as it sputtered its way from the stage. With many people offering up their thoughts of the event;

"We gave it a good run and in all fairness Karapetyan was looked a tad tired already. Probably best it's over. Should save us a few bob," noted one spectator.

"My Olympic dream is dead," sighed another.

"Just goes to show you," commented a third.

"This is a PR disaster," was overheard behind the stage.

"I thought it was brilliant," continued Shaky Parkinson, "It was the most human and honest thing I have seen in months."

It is hoped that the torch relay will continue on its journey unimpeded and without incident as the organisers look towards the heavens and shiver.

'Give Us Back Our Race', Waffle French

by Shaky Parkinson

This year's Tour De France is off to a controversial and shocking start with accusations of French 'rule fiddling'.  Today's set back by Team Saxo Bank in the Team Time Trials and the numerous crashes on Stage One have left reigning champion Alberto Contador with a two minute deficit on his rivals.

Contador, whose victory last year is still in question seems pretty bummed at the turn of events. "Something is up, I don't trust these froggies walking around with bolt cutters and spanners, it doesn't seem right," stated the champion after today's stage.

Amid claims of doping and being brilliant Contador is fighting a court battle to retain his 2010 Yellow Jersey, but due to postponement by his lawyers he will not be in court until after this years race.  This has provoked madness by the French organisers saying that, "If his bastard Spanish legs win again this year and he loses in court, we'll take that one away from him as well."

Since Lance Armstrong's seven victories ended in 2005 the Tour De France has been won exclusively by Spanish cyclists and rumours are running rampant that the French are doing all they can to bump Contador from the race.  One important looking bloke let this be overheard, "Damn, this is looking pretty bad, non?  We aven't won our own fucking race in twenty five years.  Sort it."

Since Bernard Hinault's victory in 1985 there have been eleven Spanish and nine American victories and our unknown source continued, "Balls to the spotty coloured shirt, we want the good one.  I'm sick of these foreign people cheating us."

Contador was furious at the two crashes that occurred within the final five kilometers of yesterday's opening stage in which the 3km rule was put in place to bump up all the riders except for himself and his fellow countrymen to equal standings.  "This is shit," he fumed, "that bizarre rule only works if you are on the flat but we were going uphill."

In response the French Race Referee had this to say, "It looked pretty flat from were I was standing, he needs to get his eyes tested, non?"  The 'like it and lump it' attitude to Tour decisions is integral to the outcome of races and the organisers were firm to state, "Any balance to this delicate race might prove catastroph, non?"

Contador who is made of tougher stuff finished his conference with, "Who cares, I'll win it in the mountains and does anyone know why that guy is fiddling with my brakes?"