Signal Dies On Television Remote Control Inventor

by Shaky Parkinson

The man himself.

The inventor of the first television remote control is claimed to have passed away on Sunday, say his former employers Zenith Electronics.  "We think he's dead, it came as a bit of a shock to hear it but we can safely say that he is gone.  We think." claimed Zenith CEO Michael Ahn, "This man was a true pioneer of the American way of life and without him we'd not be doing so financially well.  If anyone has any thoughts, condolences or indeed any light hearted puns be sure to send them to our admin team and we'll get on circulating them ASAP.  It's the least we can do."

Eugene Polly began work as an engineer way back in the War times but didn't cause much fuss until his 1955 invention the 'Flashmatic' used light and imagination to shot a wireless signal across the room to alter the state of the users television from on to off.

The awesome Zenith
Flashmatic. 

"Sweet gun."

Despite the invention being temperamental and prone to failure its sweet gun like design proved popular with the American mass market and Polly was always keen to receive his admiration whenever possible.

We spoke to Polly's former colleague and developer of the 1956 'Zenith Space Commander 600', Robert Adler.  "Polly was a joke, that bloody 'Flashmatic' was a piece of pants and he knew it.  The damn thing didn't work.  It only took a bit of sunlight on the receiver and the television would switch off or even on.  I was developing the 'Space Commander' way back when the 'Lazy Bones' was being conceived.  This title he's been given is far from accurate.  The 'Lazy Bones' was the original remote, it just wasn't wireless and got sidelined after the unsightly cable caused a few clumsy deaths.  Then again that's the consumer for you, memory like a sieve and an imagination like a photocopier.  I was the true inventor of the wireless television remote control!"

The equally sexy Zenith
Space Commander 600.

Regardless of past paragraphs Eugene Polly spent his 96 years on earth changing everyone's life and without his efforts people would still be getting up to change the channel to this day.  What a chap.

American Woman To Sue Over Fart

by Shaky Parkinson

Rufus Loose, a shop clerk from Chicago, will appear in court today after being sued by a fellow bus passenger over an alleged fart he released into her vicinity during a trip on the 146 Red Line Circuit.

Ms. Laurie Sniffs has triggered the lawsuit after she inadvertently partook of the noxious excretion on her way home from work.  "I was disgusted, one minute I was looking forward to a roast chicken dinner then my life was flipped into chaos," she sobbed in court, "This event has triggered deep emotional scarring, traumatic tendencies and whiplash."

Ms. Sniffs' Lawyer, Gary Exploit of Opportunistic and Sons Ltd, is thrilled with how today's trial turned out.  "It's early days but we have got him on the runs, that slippery bastard is not going to get away with this.  I want this silent and deadly issue to brought to the forefront of public knowledge.  We can't have people going around letting one slip on public transport." he yelled at a press conference.

Rufus sheepishly took the stand earlier on claiming, "It just slipped out."  He went onto attack Ms. Sniffs of talking 'hot air' and being an inconsiderate passenger, "I couldn't help it, I had explosive diarrhea and was really holding back the flood gates, your lucky all you got was an eggy whiff."

The trial went into recess this afternoon with the coming of new evidence by a fellow Passenger that may prove Ms. Sniffs was indeed, "Talking really really loudly into her iPhone that had Willow Smiths' 'Whip My Hair' as its ringtone."  Mr. Loose's Lawyers claimed that if the evidence is indeed tangible we will be counter suing as, "Loud phone conversations are likely to cause irritation, anger and whiplash, something that my client has been afflicted with since the incident."

While rumours of a counter suing were in full force Ms. Sniffs' Lawyers came back with a counter counter lawsuit claiming that Mr. Loose's shopping was, "Taking up an extra seat and if she had been pregnant there would have been nowhere for her to sit."

In a radical move Ms. Sniffs' Lawyers also issued the Judge with a mandate for, "Not taking the case seriously."  When asked for a comment Ms. Sniffs said she was suffering from too much whiplash and trauma to answer any questions.

The case is set to spiral out of control when the Driver came forward claiming, "No one said thank you when alighting from the bus," but was in turn counter sued when allegations of his missing a stop, "Causing Ms. Old Lady Wilkins to get off 800 metres down the road instead of outside her house."

The outcome of the multiple lawsuits will indeed take months if not years to seep through the Courts who are hoping that a, "Fair settlement and implementation of justice can prevail."