"I'm A Fig Man," Claims Jobs

by Shaky Parkinson

In a shock turn of events Apple CEO, Steve Jobs has thrown in the towel and resigned from his position as ruler of the universe.  "I've been living a lie for too long, I'm a fig man, and the knowledge has been eating away at me like a cancer," he stated in a press conference.

Jobs who is the brains behind some of the greatest technological innovations of the last fifteen years has decided to step down from his coveted position to spend more time, "Away from computers and apples, I fucking hate apples."  With such iconic designs as the iMac and the iPod under his belt it seems Jobs is happy to leave behind him a legacy he can be proud of.

In a heart warming interview Jobs commented, "I can't live with the shame anymore, I'm a fig lover and I'm proud of it.  I pitched the Fig Macintosh to the board but they shot it down.  If only Jim hadn't been dieting that week my peace of mind might not have been shattered."

"I mean Apple's?  They suck, that waxy coating tastes like crap and you always get bits of skin stuck in your teeth, who needs that shit?  Not me, I'm leaving.  I may even start up a rival portable music device.  I could call it the Figatron or Figgle.  That sounds like the sort of thing the youth of today will lap up.  Damn apples."

Back stabbing is already underway for Jobs' job with his potential successor's brown nosing on a level hereto only thought of as myth.  Fig shares also sky rocketed this week with one Grocer in Silicon Valley claiming, "Sorry love, no figs today, just sold the last lot to that smelly guy in the suit."

With Jobs' departure shares in Apple Inc suffered a slump before stock holders' realised their mountains of gold weren't going to be shifted by any negativity and so a champagne party was thrown and shares went back to normal.

"He'll be missed," claimed the Apple workforce, "Sure the levels of security, privacy and paranoia resulted in a few suicides but hey, shit happens."

Obama Returning iPad To Reduce Deficit

by Shaky Parkinson

Recent reports show that Apple Inc are now the only people with any money anywhere and their current operating budget dwarfs even that of the US Government by billions of dollars.  In a desperate bid to even out the problem and raise some cash, American President Barrack Obama has agreed to put down his beloved iPad, Stevie.

"I had to no choice but to return him.  Steve Jobs is pretty well off and I'm thinking that with a refund we can help lower the deficit," stated Obama, "Stevie isn't a standard model either, he has all the sexy extras and I'm told he cost a bomb and the troops are really running low on them."

This comes in a week when America is to pass a bill giving itself the power to extend its own overdraft above its $14.3 Trillion Dollar limit.  "If the iPad scheme doesn't work then we have no choice but to push through the bill.  It will totally ruin our AAA Credit Rating but we are currently loosing $200 billion a month so choices have to be made," sobbed the President as he entered the Washington Apple Store.

Problems arose when Obama was later seen at his favourite cafe with Stevie laughing his butt off to the latest episode of 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians'.  When cornered he was quick to defend himself with a quick demonstration, "Look what it does!"  The resulting promotion created an even bigger financial gap between the two giants and the proposed Bill will be looked at this afternoon.