Dickhead's Can't Win Tennis

by Shaky Parkinson

Today's Australian Open semi-final between Novak Djokovic and Andy Murray has laid down definitive proof that Dickheads are unable to win tennis.  It seems no matter how hard the Scottish tennisman played, he was unable to claim victory because of his inability to smile due to a severe affliction.

It is thought that the amount of people suffering with Dickheaditus is on a rise across the globe and the number of people infected rose by one million percent over the holidays alone.  Experts say that the current statistics are worryingish and that without a cure the problem may soon turn into a pandemic.

Professor. John Professor of Edinburgh University has been leading a pioneering study into Dickheadology (The Study Of Pricks) over the last two years and his team have already made substantial discoveries in the field.

"Dickheads are everywhere," explained Professor, "They run our banks, invade our pop charts and spout out blosh from our television sets.  We have also discovered that the 'Dickhead' mindset is highly contagious and usually targets children under the age of twenty."

He continued, "If we look at Andy Murray in particular we can see the advanced stages of the disease at work.  He has lost all semblance of sportsmanship and elegance while filling up to the brim with impatient anger.  All these traits manifest themselves most strongly when he is put up against stronger competition in the latter stages of high ranking tennis championships and his defeat today is a clear demonstration that being a Dickhead means you can never truly be a winner."

Posing egomaniac McIntyre.

"Although this may not always be the case.  If we look at the likes of Michael McIntyre, Ricky Gervais and Martin Freeman we can see a high level of success in their chosen field.  We call this strain of the disease 'Mystifying'.  In such cases we see an adaption of the disease's binary code to the industry in question that causes fellow sufferers to become ignorant to the effects and subconsciously encourage a distinct increase in degradation in all the participants. This is called homing and in many cases certain industries have become so infected with Dickheads they are beyond help.  We know it and Ricky Gervais knows it that deep down he is a Dickhead but without a cure this poor man is doomed to suffer forever."  

Professor and his team of researchers have been working under hazardous conditions in some of Britain's biggest corporations to obtain data they hope to implement in a cure and next weeks publication will reveal the extent of their successes.

"I'll be blunt with you, it isn't looking good," sighed research assistant Stephen Poliakoff, "We've already tried re-commissioning additional episodes of Hustle to take over Sherlock's Saturday night time-slot.  Along with this we've also offered a thumbs up to Rafael Nadal and tried shooting Chris Moyles but nothing seems to have worked.  The current strain of the virus is proving immune to our best efforts and a more rigorous program is needed.  With that in mind a firebombing of Coronation Street and Albert Square have been scheduled for Saturday but with the disease already progressing to such an advanced state our research might prove worthless."

"If Dickheaditus is not stopped the British public will never see a home grown Scotsman take home the prize," shouted Professor, "This virus is crippling and needs fighting.  Without a cure there are thousands of people walking the streets unable to think straight, muster up a creative thought or even act with civility and that is a scary thought."

An in depth report into the disease will be running on BBC One on Monday between the evening News and The One Show.

Andy Murray On Top Form

by Shaky Parkinson

Andy Murray has come up trumps by dazzling spectators with a stunning performance in his Wimbledon Semi-final match against Raphael Nadal.

Murray's arrogant, rude and ego ridden nature enabled him to push on through such set backs as winning the first set to achieve an inevitable end result.  "I've been training hard and I'm proud of my performance today," he stated after the match.

Adrenaline pumped crowds were seen leaving centre court pleased at Murray's game saying, "We got the outcome we were expecting."  Boris Becker said, "He played a consistent game and it was enticing to watch."

Asked in detail about his performance Murray said, "errrr, errrr, errrr, well, I played well, stuck it out, errrr, didn't get bogged down with two many break points and my unforced errors were better than I had hoped."  He followed this up with a shrug followed by, "I was let down by my serving, I think it is the weakest part of my game and was really pushing me towards the final, so I had to deal with that."

Murray's performance was textbook continued Becker, "He got off to a horrendous start, but then after really getting into his stride he was able to lose a number of service games before winding things up with a fourth set hissy fit."

Murray's opponent Raphael Nadal was disappointed at his victory and the chance to defend his Wimbledon title saying, "I tried my best but I just have too much charisma and talent to beat Andy, he played a fine game."

For years Murray's special brand of dour blandness has been proving a winning formula with the crowd and it is hoped that today's successful accomplishments will change the wave of popular feeling and give him the edge in next years tournament.

Bringing up the British contingent was Michael McIntyre, whose beady eyes were watching from the crowd just outside bottle range.  Asked what he made of the match he had this to say, "A ten piece cutlery set." although this demonstration of wit was later attributed elsewhere.

Murray Suspected Of Poisoning Jolly Rival

by Shaky Parkinson

Andy Murray has been accused of poisoning this years Wimbledon Championship favourite Roger Federer.  In a shock turn of events Federer was shockingly eliminated from the Wimbledon Quarter-finals earlier in a haze of shock.  Devastated fans looked on in amazement as the 'Greatest Tennis Player Ever' failed to beat his opponent Jo-Wilfried Tsonga.

Once confusion had made way for grief many spectators suddenly realised they had seen Andy Murray sneak onto the pitch dressed as a tennis shoe towards the end of the second set.  "He was up to no good," wheezed one member of the general pubic.

Police were slowly called in but were unable to question the British Number, as he was required on centre court to dazzle the amassed idiots.  They were able to get a brief mumble from the miserable ballsack but it was so dull Officer's were unable to retain the words long enough to write them down.

They resulted to observing his mannerisms during his performance to see if anything was amiss.  Behaviour expert, Dennis Dennis found Murray's smug arrogance somewhat suspicious until a nosey Fan explained, "Oh, he always looks like that.  It's why he is so awesome."

It is believed that Murray was acting in cahoots with his power hungry mother, Judy, as one of his puppet strings was found under Roger's chair by a team of forensic specialist people men.

Unfortunately there was not enough evidence to make the charges stick and an organised crowd whinge forced the fuzz to make a quick sanity saving retreat.

It is now feared that the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club are under the threat from a severe raping by the star and a full-time Police presence has been issued to protect the association, (except for bank holidays, weekends and lunchtime).