Andy Murray On Top Form

by Shaky Parkinson

Andy Murray has come up trumps by dazzling spectators with a stunning performance in his Wimbledon Semi-final match against Raphael Nadal.

Murray's arrogant, rude and ego ridden nature enabled him to push on through such set backs as winning the first set to achieve an inevitable end result.  "I've been training hard and I'm proud of my performance today," he stated after the match.

Adrenaline pumped crowds were seen leaving centre court pleased at Murray's game saying, "We got the outcome we were expecting."  Boris Becker said, "He played a consistent game and it was enticing to watch."

Asked in detail about his performance Murray said, "errrr, errrr, errrr, well, I played well, stuck it out, errrr, didn't get bogged down with two many break points and my unforced errors were better than I had hoped."  He followed this up with a shrug followed by, "I was let down by my serving, I think it is the weakest part of my game and was really pushing me towards the final, so I had to deal with that."

Murray's performance was textbook continued Becker, "He got off to a horrendous start, but then after really getting into his stride he was able to lose a number of service games before winding things up with a fourth set hissy fit."

Murray's opponent Raphael Nadal was disappointed at his victory and the chance to defend his Wimbledon title saying, "I tried my best but I just have too much charisma and talent to beat Andy, he played a fine game."

For years Murray's special brand of dour blandness has been proving a winning formula with the crowd and it is hoped that today's successful accomplishments will change the wave of popular feeling and give him the edge in next years tournament.

Bringing up the British contingent was Michael McIntyre, whose beady eyes were watching from the crowd just outside bottle range.  Asked what he made of the match he had this to say, "A ten piece cutlery set." although this demonstration of wit was later attributed elsewhere.

Murray Suspected Of Poisoning Jolly Rival

by Shaky Parkinson

Andy Murray has been accused of poisoning this years Wimbledon Championship favourite Roger Federer.  In a shock turn of events Federer was shockingly eliminated from the Wimbledon Quarter-finals earlier in a haze of shock.  Devastated fans looked on in amazement as the 'Greatest Tennis Player Ever' failed to beat his opponent Jo-Wilfried Tsonga.

Once confusion had made way for grief many spectators suddenly realised they had seen Andy Murray sneak onto the pitch dressed as a tennis shoe towards the end of the second set.  "He was up to no good," wheezed one member of the general pubic.

Police were slowly called in but were unable to question the British Number, as he was required on centre court to dazzle the amassed idiots.  They were able to get a brief mumble from the miserable ballsack but it was so dull Officer's were unable to retain the words long enough to write them down.

They resulted to observing his mannerisms during his performance to see if anything was amiss.  Behaviour expert, Dennis Dennis found Murray's smug arrogance somewhat suspicious until a nosey Fan explained, "Oh, he always looks like that.  It's why he is so awesome."

It is believed that Murray was acting in cahoots with his power hungry mother, Judy, as one of his puppet strings was found under Roger's chair by a team of forensic specialist people men.

Unfortunately there was not enough evidence to make the charges stick and an organised crowd whinge forced the fuzz to make a quick sanity saving retreat.

It is now feared that the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club are under the threat from a severe raping by the star and a full-time Police presence has been issued to protect the association, (except for bank holidays, weekends and lunchtime).