Flame Dies For Olympic Enthusiasm

by Shaky Parkinson

Flame Off.

A typically Russian Olympic torch relay began this morning in Moscow where the flame started its 40,000 mile journey to the town of Sochi in time for the Winter Games in February. The flame is set to travel across the Arctic Ocean, underwater and be blasted into space in one of the most pretentious administrative tasks in history.

Barely a mile from the podium and trouble set in when former swimming champion Shavarsh Karapetyan was dismayed to find that the flame had jumped ship while still in sight of the Kremlin wall. "Probably doesn't dig the cold," he chuckled as a Security Guard tried desperately to reignite Russia's hopes of a gloriously impressive opening ceremony.

"I can't see."

"Surely that counts as a loss?" stated renowned Olympic hater Shaky Parkinson, "I'm not an expert, especially when it comes to people running around in circles, but I do know that when a flame is extinguished and needs to be relit then you are dealing with a different flame just the same gas source and container and I'm pretty sure those rolled off a production line a few months back so I can't see how any form of tradition or ceremony can really be kept alive with this farce."

He continued, "You honestly think that they've kept a flame alive since 1936, with these gas prices? What does it say when you're on your understudy after three hundred metres? This is just another example of how the Olympics is a pretentious load of twaddle. The Olympics is hardly Wimbledon or the Tour De France, neither of these events dick around with 123 day televised warm up jog and they are much cooler."

"It sputtered."

Vladimir Putin and onlookers.

Despite the problems, and the cold weather tens of mistakenly dressed individuals eagerly lined the streets around the Kremlin for a brief glimpse of the flame as it sputtered its way from the stage. With many people offering up their thoughts of the event;

"We gave it a good run and in all fairness Karapetyan was looked a tad tired already. Probably best it's over. Should save us a few bob," noted one spectator.

"My Olympic dream is dead," sighed another.

"Just goes to show you," commented a third.

"This is a PR disaster," was overheard behind the stage.

"I thought it was brilliant," continued Shaky Parkinson, "It was the most human and honest thing I have seen in months."

It is hoped that the torch relay will continue on its journey unimpeded and without incident as the organisers look towards the heavens and shiver.

Maria Sharapova Prettiest Woman In Tennis Again

by Shaky Parkinson

It's been a rough few years for Maria Sharapova as the tennis world has seen prettier, younger and physically gifted stars rise the ranks since her dramatic appearance in the 2004 Wimbledon Championships but against all odds she has battled through to come out on top at this years French Open.

Critics and viewing enthusiasts are delight with her sudden turn around and have been quick to praise her triumphant return to the limelight.  "She pulled out all the stops," claimed BBC's Sue Barker, "It takes you back eight years and the endurance, patience and determination of this young woman has to be applauded."

"But when I saw her take that."

"To be honest my thoughts were running with Ana Ivanovic," cited tennis coach Samantha Strike, "But when I saw her take that final game Sharapova was all I could think about."

Anna Kournikova,
gone but not forgotten.

Boris Becker was another professional who was stunned by today's play, "The shock was so startling I had to tell my tailor to give me a few minutes.  Who'd have thought Sharapova would be the one making such a distinct impact at this years French Open?  I'm speechless."

Google has been reporting a gradual increase in Maria Sharapova related searches over the last two weeks but today saw a huge spike in intrigue.  "We didn't realise she was still around," claimed tennis fan Philbert Drenk of the Stockport Lawn and Tennis Association, "We all remember her being pretty cute but then she sort of went off the radar.  Today's win has really brought her back into the limelight.  Although let's face it she's no Anna Kournikova.  Phwoar!"

"Maria's way really spurred on my game."

Competitor Sara Errani.

Sharapova's opponent, Russia's Sara Errani, was upset by the result but was forced to admit that she just didn't have what it takes to win the crowd and the hearts of tennis fans everywhere.  "What can I say," she stated, "All the attention being sent Maria's way really spurred on my game but she just has a natural talent I can't compete with.  "

It is thought that recent surgery proved a massive confidence booster for Sharapova and has helped her return to a positive mindset to bring her back to the level of appreciation she hasn't had since 2008's Australian Open.

Andy Murray On Top Form

by Shaky Parkinson

Andy Murray has come up trumps by dazzling spectators with a stunning performance in his Wimbledon Semi-final match against Raphael Nadal.

Murray's arrogant, rude and ego ridden nature enabled him to push on through such set backs as winning the first set to achieve an inevitable end result.  "I've been training hard and I'm proud of my performance today," he stated after the match.

Adrenaline pumped crowds were seen leaving centre court pleased at Murray's game saying, "We got the outcome we were expecting."  Boris Becker said, "He played a consistent game and it was enticing to watch."

Asked in detail about his performance Murray said, "errrr, errrr, errrr, well, I played well, stuck it out, errrr, didn't get bogged down with two many break points and my unforced errors were better than I had hoped."  He followed this up with a shrug followed by, "I was let down by my serving, I think it is the weakest part of my game and was really pushing me towards the final, so I had to deal with that."

Murray's performance was textbook continued Becker, "He got off to a horrendous start, but then after really getting into his stride he was able to lose a number of service games before winding things up with a fourth set hissy fit."

Murray's opponent Raphael Nadal was disappointed at his victory and the chance to defend his Wimbledon title saying, "I tried my best but I just have too much charisma and talent to beat Andy, he played a fine game."

For years Murray's special brand of dour blandness has been proving a winning formula with the crowd and it is hoped that today's successful accomplishments will change the wave of popular feeling and give him the edge in next years tournament.

Bringing up the British contingent was Michael McIntyre, whose beady eyes were watching from the crowd just outside bottle range.  Asked what he made of the match he had this to say, "A ten piece cutlery set." although this demonstration of wit was later attributed elsewhere.

Murray Suspected Of Poisoning Jolly Rival

by Shaky Parkinson

Andy Murray has been accused of poisoning this years Wimbledon Championship favourite Roger Federer.  In a shock turn of events Federer was shockingly eliminated from the Wimbledon Quarter-finals earlier in a haze of shock.  Devastated fans looked on in amazement as the 'Greatest Tennis Player Ever' failed to beat his opponent Jo-Wilfried Tsonga.

Once confusion had made way for grief many spectators suddenly realised they had seen Andy Murray sneak onto the pitch dressed as a tennis shoe towards the end of the second set.  "He was up to no good," wheezed one member of the general pubic.

Police were slowly called in but were unable to question the British Number, as he was required on centre court to dazzle the amassed idiots.  They were able to get a brief mumble from the miserable ballsack but it was so dull Officer's were unable to retain the words long enough to write them down.

They resulted to observing his mannerisms during his performance to see if anything was amiss.  Behaviour expert, Dennis Dennis found Murray's smug arrogance somewhat suspicious until a nosey Fan explained, "Oh, he always looks like that.  It's why he is so awesome."

It is believed that Murray was acting in cahoots with his power hungry mother, Judy, as one of his puppet strings was found under Roger's chair by a team of forensic specialist people men.

Unfortunately there was not enough evidence to make the charges stick and an organised crowd whinge forced the fuzz to make a quick sanity saving retreat.

It is now feared that the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club are under the threat from a severe raping by the star and a full-time Police presence has been issued to protect the association, (except for bank holidays, weekends and lunchtime).