Internal Memo: Season's Greetings

Dear All,

First off I'd like to wish you all a Merry Christmas and ask the person who abused the photocopying machine on Saturday's office bash to come forward.  The act was neither entertaining nor clever and reflects a standard of activity far below the heraldic wit that our subscribers have come to expect from us.  God knows how Gladys will react to the sight of next years paper budget being wasted on the promotion of the male member but the task will no doubt take more muscle to fix than the usual mop and bucket approach and I'll not be taking the flack for this one.

That said I'm looking forward to the Carol Concert and utter my thanks to Goodgame who has lived up to his name by faxing across the lyrics for tomorrow's festivities.  Time may be against us but a little work and we'll get this baby nailed.  I've had a read and must confess that my memory was in dire need of refreshing as it would appear I have little recollection of the words and the music quite escapes me having not heard it since the Upper Butterfield Midnight Mass service back in '86.  So have fun with it and I'll see you all at The Plough at a prompt 5ish and we'll soil a few hearts.

Shaky xxx

Away In A Manger (Lyrics)

Hooked up with a minger,

Legs splayed on the bed,

My little poor penis,

Laid down his soft head.

Her parts in the lamplight,

Looked up where she lay,

My little poor penis,

Asleep in her hay.

The prattle is flowing,

In coldness she waits,

My little poor penis,

Sore crying he makes.

I hate thee poor penis,

Catch glance eye to eye,

Let's leave this here bedside,

'fore one of us cries.

Be with me poor penis,

Apologies I pray,

Chance takings will never,

Take home to away.

Flee all these one nighters,

In your tender care,

And take me to heaven,

When better's not there.

Cliff Richard Becomes World's First Self Stalker

"It's over," Cliff at Scotland Yard.

Cliff Richard has walked himself into the ego-books by becoming the world's first self-stalker.  His confession was heard by officers at Scotland Yard after he swept into the building in the early hours of this morning claiming to the victim and perpetrator of a stalking he had initiated upon himself.

After the police were presented with scrapbooks, photo logs and Richard's personal correspondence he was taken into custody and questioned before being released on bail minutes later and told to go home.

"Low and hard."

"When Mr. Richard arrived at the station we were of course distressed," claimed Chief Inspector Mark Grubber, "It's not often we see such an upstanding member of the showbiz community at our door but knowing how low and hard they fall we naturally took the confession seriously.  However, despite the overwhelming evidence provided by Mr. Richard against himself we were unable to charge the scumbag with anything and have let him off with a £6.5million fine and the condition he can stay free as long as he doesn't do it again."

With the comforting flash of the paparazzi in tow Cliff read a spontaneous speech he had written yesterday on his ordeal, "It's been a trying decade for me.  I've had plenty of chart records, public appearances and book deals but they just aren't enough anymore so I thought the most effective way to get myself some more exposure was with a stalker and who better to follow my every move than myself. I know him inside out and the convenience was a huge bonus.  I'm brilliant and wonderful and I just want the world to know it."

Cliff performing a miracle for
the Wimbledon spectators.

Guinness official Duncan Runk was called upon to officiate the story, "We've never seen an ego or a record attempt like this.  Mr. Richard is breaking every rule of accepted self admiration so much so that we can't help (and we tried) to give him anything less than the world record for the world's first self stalking, an award he will forever hold and never lose.  Hopefully this will put an end to his record breaking career and encourage him to give up public life and finally retire."

"We all laughed."

Cliff continued (as if he wouldn't), "I may be modest but I'm also great, just great.  It reminds me of the time I was doing something really great with all these well known celebrities and they thought I was great too because they couldn't possibly think otherwise and so I was there being great and just superb when something great happened but not great enough to take the attention away from myself and acted more of as a compliment to my presence when we all laughed, I sold another ten million records and I became even greater."

"We're being used," claimed the Press at Richard's press conference, "It feels horrible that this twisted ego is providing my children with dinner.  If something isn't done to curb this monster we could have another 'Millennium Prayer' incident on our hands and the country has only just recovered from the initial bout.  If he thinks he can get away with it this megalomaniac will soon be dishing out miracles, on every London street corner.  We need to get him and his calendars off the street and behind some sort of bars.  The fact that he isn't aware self-stalking is completely impossible and only remotely feasible in the case of a grudge laden split personality case then we shouldn't humour him."

Leslie Ash with her husband Neil
Morrissey before her accident.

Further anger came Cliff's way when he ignored Leslie Ash's protests that she herself had attempted the same stunt in 2003 after her Homebase contract had ended claiming, "The self stalk is a classic that I started years ago to get myself another series of Merseybeat after my surgical complications.  If anyone belongs in the record books it's me."

"I was stalking myself."

Guinness were looking into the allegations when Cliff returned to Scotland Yard with a possible grin across his face claiming to have been stalking his stalker in an act of revenge, "It started when I found out that I was stalking myself and instead of going to the proper authorities as I know to be right I took it upon myself to seek vengeance against the perpetrator by stalking him like some crazed but ethically sound vigilantly.  I know this makes me appear as some sort of Superman and you'd be right but I think it is time that this sordid affair is uncovered for the world to see.  I just want widely publicised justice."

Things got even more precarious when a supposed Cliff Richard lookalike named Harry Webb visited the same police station moments later claiming to be Richard's real stalker, "I've been following Cliff since his childhood days in India and I feel this man is a terrible egocentric and should be immediately admitted to a psychiatric hospital before he injures somebody."

Webb was later found belly up in the Thames and a warrant has been issued for Richard's arrest.  "It's been a trying but eventful day," continued Grubber, "We just hope that this case will be solved quickly and although we haven't charged anyone yet, Mr. Richard is being held under the spotlight until further evidence can surface to his innocence, guilt or mental stability."

9/11 Did Happen Claim Theorists

by Shaky Parkinson

Once again controversy and hearsay have arisen to question the events that shook the world when terrorists flew two big planes into New York's Twin Towers 134 months ago.  Conspiracy theorists have put finger to keyboard as a fresh batch of evidence has been released that they say will finally prove that 9/11 did actually happen.

Blogging sites have seen increased traffic as groups of pro 9/11 conspiracy theorists (but not in that way) claim that newly released eye witness reports and satellite imaging clearly show that the US Government wasn't stupid enough to destroy one if its crowning feats of engineering for the sake of a sense of fear they could've got by dressing up some cost effective extras in black suits and ear pieces and let them parade around your local neighbourhood.

"Cover up to hide."

"It's like we've been saying all along," stuttered Max Clink author of conspiracy blog Far Out, "There was definitely some kind of cover up to hide the truth that 9/11 actually occurred.  We've been campaigning for years and it finally looks like people are starting to notice."

Faked photos show a giant arrow
 to have caused the attack.

"What we're dealing with here is a massive event that cannot be properly understood," he continued, "The attack on the Twin Towers breaches a mental barrier of security that has until now retained a stern sense of stability.  It's going to take a decade of materialistic living to counteract these images.  We are only just coming to grips with what is happening and the initial reports aren't good."


"I remember where I was the day the towers fell," stated Old Man Drudge, "It was a Sunday or some such day and I had just gotten the mower out of the car hold when I saw a gaggle of geese flying by overhead.  Now I thought to myself that you don't see too many a gaggle anymore, seems to me like the geese are becoming a more hermitised bird.  It must've been '86 since I saw a pair of them together, maybe even '85 and being one of my favourite winged animals it struck me as a sad affair that only zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ."

(Eye witness report taken 12th September 2001)

Reports such as these are said to have caused the initial disbelief that lead to a vague sense of happening rather than clear evidence for a genuine terrorist attack.  Yet special analysts, forgers and experts have trawled through the masses of photographs, videos, interviews, videos and rubble to finally achieve what they are calling conclusive evidence.

"As far as I can make out this did happen," claimed one such expert Philip Patz, "There's doubt, like there is with everything, but I'd say this is an open and shut book and I'd go on record as saying that you'd be a fool to say 9/11 didn't happen and an even bigger one to joke about it."

Popular villain Smoke Face was
seen amongst the fires leading many
to believe a Hollywood film
was in production.

"Life is horrific."

Messages of acceptance, condolences and nonsense have been widespread with Katie Hulch of Kentucky having this to say, "The loss of life, it's horrific.  I didn't think it was even possible.  If it wasn't for these eye witness accounts and footage I may have gone another decade without believing 9/11 ever happened."

"It's a disgrace," claimed Sally Field (Yes that Sally Field), "Someone had to say to it."

"Our hearts go out to the people effected by this attack, even the Jews," claimed anti-Semitic preacher Caleb Funk.

One uncovered eye witness report from Manhattan resident Peter Gunk read, "I was there, I saw them towers fall and no matter how stoned I was that shit was real, you wanna know how?  'Cos I was inside them when it happened."

"People claim that."

Evidence was as far reaching as China, Madagascar and Ireland where Mrs. O'Toole of Cork proclaimed, "It's a dirty fecking business.  It wasn't until we saw it on the news that we realised it had actually happened.  These people claim that their Government were to blame and although they may be blameless and to blame it's clear that 9/11 did happen unlike the Holocaust which is clearly just a flight of fancy."

FAKE!!! Experts debunk widely
famous photo of a ciricle plan of death.

"We never claimed that 9/11 didn't happen," furthered Clink, "But we may have said some things that were untrue, hearsay or otherwise bollocks.  What we can all agree on is that this terrible event did take place and that from the start we knew this and can only hope to move on with our lives now that the tragedy can be labelled as nostalgic and pray that a commemorative lunch box is in the pipeline."

James Brown, "Never Felt Good"

by Brick Goodgame

The face of a broken man.

A never before seen documentary recently unearthed in the Polydor archives that charted the chart success of late feel good singer James Brown has finally made its way onto DVD.  In a never before seen candid interview the chocolate coloured fallen star discussed his addictions to sex, drugs and Fawlty Towers, and how excessive indulgence made him feel, "A bit shit," and "Untrue to his real urges."

"One hit, I feel good."

The footage that was filmed in 1989 by Bobby Ballweather, has sparked worldwide controversy amongst the 'Fat man with an obese voice' fans, or as Brown used to refer to them, 'His Sweet Brown Army', due to its revealing content in which Brown describes his number one hit 'I Feel Good' as, "A bloody shambles," "Bollocks," and "Nothing but a chubby lie," whilst also taking time to comment on the then economic downturn and health sector troubles.

The film's director Peter Cunt spoke about his fondness for the singer, "I only knew him for a brief time.  No more than a few hours, but in those few hours I think I was closer to him than anyone.  Our chairs were almost touching, it was an intimate session.  It shocked me to hear that James was in fact suffering with manic depression brought on by his feelings of unfulfilment at not having partied out his true dreams and that he never felt good.  Sad stuff."

"Better yourself!"

A Spokesperson for the Brown family told the Guff that, "James always wanted to be a politician but his singing got in the way.  It was always his dream to become the first black President of the USA but he felt he could better inspire people by singing about how to better yourself.  His cocaine benders, rampant sexual encounters and inexhaustible amounts of wealth and fame were the true cost of a soul who was truly committed to getting down.  Down to hard work in the aid of his fellow man."

'Getting Down In Brown Town: The Soul Searcher' premiers on BBC Four this Sunday at 10pm.  Ba dum bum bum bum bump bump bump.

Hello, Hello, I'm Back Again!

by Shaky Parkinson

Saturday evenings are set to take a turn for the fun with the launch of ITV's new game-show 'Gary Glitter's Sex Quiz'.  The show features legendary rock n' roller Gary Glitter as he takes contestants on an insightful and entertaining journey through his sexual history and selected discography.

"Suspected kiddy fiddler is dead."

"According to our market research in today's Sun it is clear what the public want.  Paedophiles," claimed ITV's Entertainment Commissioner, Kate Maddigan, "It seems any show that doesn't feature even a suspected kiddy fiddler is dead in the water.  So what better way to cater to popular tastes than with a detailed look into the sexual history of one the 70's biggest entertainers.  If we want to continue broadcasting through the recession we have to accept that touching kids is where the money is."

Today saw the show's pilot being filmed to a receptive audience.  Various catchphrases such as 'Do you wanna win in my gang', 'Hello, Hell, I'm back again' and 'Do you wanna touch me, OH YEAH!' hit a positive tone with the audience as Glitter hit a firm stride in his presenting that left little doubt to his abilities.

"It went well out there today," claimed a post show Glitter, "I wasn't sure about the idea to begin with, but after we cracked the name everything seemed to come together.  I think this show'll turn some heads, now if you'll excuse me I need to hit the Pepsi Max and chill."

"Clap Clap."

"Judging by today's upbeat atmosphere we think the quiz could easily knock Britain's Got Talent from the top of the ratings," continued Clap, "Clap followed clap throughout the recording, the sight was encouraging.  Not only that but Gary is the perfect age for a late comeback and with such a successful track record we'd be silly not to launch an album off the back of the show."

Britain's Got Talent judge's Simon Cowell and Amanda Holden where outraged at the proposed competition they would soon be facing, while fellow judges Alesha Dixon and David Walliams embarked upon a nationwide molesting tour in a bid to boost popularity for the show.  "By putting ourselves back at number one we can show the viewers that the only kind of touching that needs to be done is with our hearts," claimed Walliams, "There's a lot of talent out there and we want to get to know it."

"Disinterested by the show's content."

The general pubic were both happy, shocked, flabbergasted and disinterested by the show's content and host.

"It isn't natural," cited Glenn Spence of Carlisle, "Glitter's a singer not a presenter, this concept doesn't stand a chance."

"I'm sickened, literally," spewed Gladys Firth of Reigate, "BLUUUUUUUGHHH!!!"

"If he's covering the entire glam rock movement I'm in," John Milk of Exeter, "If not then I'm out."

"I love 'Rock and Roll Part Two' but that's as far as I'll take it," noted Pat from Bournemouth.

"This pathetic play for ratings is representative of the worst kind of television," claimed David Dunhill of Slough, "Shock tactics are FUCKING infantile.  When will the media stop abusing the impressionable minds of their readers, viewers and listeners?"

Gary Glitter's Sex Quiz premieres this Saturday on ITV at 9 o'clock.

99% Of Accidents Caused By People That Aren't You

by Shaky Parkinson

A new survey, christened the Falworth Paper has been released by statisticians at Manchester and Doncaster Experimental Union Polytechnic (MADE UP) claiming that 99% of all personal accidents are brought about by the interference of others.  The survey tracked the lives of over ten people to determine whether their accidents were the direct result of self-bumbling or bastard external forces.

"The results were as you can guess, shocking," claimed survey leader Malcolm Flunk, "They were also enlightening, gratifying and financially justifying.  We all drop things.  A knife, a fork.  A fresh pot of Earl Grey over our child's palms.  These incidents are what we refer to as the 1%.  The inevitable upsets that come with being a human being.  The danger arises when the proximity between human beings increases."

"My house did the skirting boards himself."

He continued, "Like most, I am a person of reasonable mental facilities but am unable to predict exactly where and when a pedestrian will throw themselves onto the bonnet of my car, if the person standing behind me at the chippie is the mass murderer I've been hearing about, or whether the previous owner of my house did the skirting boards himself or called in someone he'd seen on Rogue Traders.  It's a sick and horrific world."

"We found that accidents within high population densities were so frequent that hospitals were up to thirty times more numerous with schools of a certain size also assigned dedicated medical practitioners to cope with the influx of injuries.  It was a stomach churning discovery to make when you live in East Finchley."

Flunk and his team discovered a range of injuries the general public have been inflicting upon each other ranging into the millions with low hanging party streamers, loose fruit peelings and coffee burns topping the poll of daily assaults.

"Vast consumption of strawberries."

News footage from Hedgington
Park annual cricket match.

The survey was commissioned by Lord Falworth of nearby Hedgington Park after a nasty run in with a thug at the annual village cricket match, "This blighter comes slopping onto the pitch, mouth frothing from a vast consumption of strawberries, cream and cheap ale.  He proceeded to snatch my umbrella swing it around maniacally and dent the side of my bowler.  It was a truly horrific and humiliating experience.  Luckily the man is still in Broadmoor but is that really punishment?  This new survey will hopefully cap the lid on stupidity and instill a sensible amount of reclusiveness in us all."

Conspiracy theorists were keen to syndicate a press release stating their ideological position but due to a lack of attention were only able to share a quick comment, "It is clear that the Falworth Paper exposes the truth we have long been claiming.  That Elastoplast is leading the world's medical institutions in a cover-up of sensitive material that will once and for all illustrate the human races lack of hand eye co-ordination, vast stupidity and carelessness in a bid to further plaster sales."

Health and Safety official Gwent Stamp (male) was one of many civil servants to come out in favour of the Falworth Paper, "This is a significant day for Health and Safety.  By isolating the countries masses we will bring about a nation completely devoid of blame and without blame the world will be entirely safe and healthy."

"Debenhams, even at the other end of the telephone."

"It wasn't until the experiment started that we became aware of the potential hazards around us," sobbed survey participant Deadrie Parks, "At first we thought that everything was all right.  Then as the weeks went by we soon realised that there were people everywhere, in the street, behind the counter at Debenhams, even at the other end of the telephone.  I had to put the children first so we upped sticks and moved to the Isle of Man where we were assured there weren't any people."

Heysham sands.

Flunk's theory of extreme hermitism has been suggested as the only cure for 'Other People' but as he later claimed, "Even in the case of Mrs. Parks the separation wasn't tough enough and although well meaning her desire to protect her children blinded her to the rising tides and shifting sands off Heysham in what proved a fatal dash for the ferry.  Humanity cannot be cured, but solitary hermitism is the only sure fire way of lowering potential injury, death and maiming to within an acceptable 1% level."

A meeting of top medical officials, theorists and hangers on will take place at King's College London later this week, where the practical applications of the paper will be discussed at length until tea time.

Mammoth Carcass Found In Siberia

by Shaky Parkinson

A mammoth carcass has been uncovered on the Taimyr Peninsula by 11-year-old boy Zhenya Salinder. The enormous body was discovered in late August in the town of Sopochnaya Karga on the Siberian coast and after a lengthy five day excavation news of the discovery has finally filtered through to the global media.

It is thought that the deceased giant animal was originally one of a living giant animal of the same species and had lain frozen in mud until it was uncovered by Zhenya while he was out walking his dogs.  "It was really scary," claimed Zhenya, "I was playing at climbing when I saw this massive Mammoth like body lying in the mud.  I doddled home and told my parents and they called up the scientists who came and took it out of the ground.  It's soooo big, I hope it's a dinosaur."

"Answers to life."

The body of the unknown giant was taken to St. Petersburg Zoology Institute where it has been thawed, pawed and mauled in the hope it might reveal answers to the life of pre-historic man and indeed the enormous mammal itself.

Artist's guess at what the creature
looked like while living.

"We know it's old," stated excavation team leader Alexei Tikhonov, "We dug it out of the ground so we're putting a date range of between one and thirty million years on it.  Judging by the wounds we discovered we can safely say that this mammoth beast probably died at the hands of ice-age humans or that of a fellow monster, or simply because it could no longer live."

As of yet Tikhonov and his team have been unable to classify the creature due to insufficient evidence. "You know what science is like?  For all we know it could be a fish," continued Tikhonov, "We've ruled out monster bacteria and the evidence of fur has lead us to determine that we aren't dealing with a snake.  We also think the mystery of the large protruding curved bones shows that the animal was heavily accessorized for the time and a notion like that puts fashion and also sensical history into all sorts of uproar.  This really is a mammoth find."

"Assumptions that need filling."

Tikhonov and Gorbunov
pre dispute.

In a second press conference Tikhonov's colleague Sergei Gorbunov of the International Mammoth Committee claimed, "My colleagues have made a mammoth mistake.  The mammoth carcass that we have been studying is clearly that of a Mammoth carcass.  The accessories or tusks as they are otherwise known clearly back up this classification and in my opinion this only leaves us with the job of uncovering just how this particular Mammoth can contribute to our knowledge of his or hers species.  From what we already guess Siberian Mammoth's were more cunning than regular Mammoth's by using mud to disguise themselves against pestilence and even mammother creatures but there are always massive gaps in our assumptions that need filling."

Tikhonov and his team will continue with their research well into the next year when their final conclusions will be published.  In the meantime we are left to speculate why Zhenya Salinder has yet to receive even a bag of sweets for his part in keeping this team of science men in work for another year.

Virgin Employee Killed In Botched Sacrifice

by Shaky Parkinson

Surveillance photo of Grant's
property.

The body of missing Virgin Media employee Garth Peak has been found on the outskirts of a farm in Shrivenham, a few miles North-East of Swindon.  The mutilated and scarred body showed signs of ritual sacrifice and an investigation has been launched against local landowner Lucifer Grant.

In a statement issued earlier this afternoon Wiltshire police claimed, "Lucifer Grant has been taken into custody but has not yet (but with a name like that it's only a matter of time) been charged.  We hope Mr. Grant can shed light on how the body of the deceased ended up within yelling distance of his creepy old barn."

"We'll get ourselves."

Garth Peak

Mr. Grant has been the subject of a lengthy investigation by Wiltshire Police after he was arrested for brandishing a severed goats head at the local Wimpy's in June.  "We kept getting all these calls about a Satanist cult operating out of Shrivenham but we had members of the public to hassle and treated it as a crock of toss like any rational fool," claimed Chief Inspector Department Anthony Prittle (Twice Removed), "After the goats head incident the shit rope unravelled and the whole story kicked off.  Orgies, sacrifice, fluids, and that wasn't the best of it. Unfortunately we couldn't get a conviction despite Grant's appearance on the restaurants CCTV camera.  It was a blow, but we're hoping that with this body we'll get ourselves a conviction."

The body was found at 7 am when local woman Agatha Hush was out walking her trainers, "It was a shock," she claimed, "I was just getting into my stride when I saw what I thought was Rutger Hauer lying in a bush.  Upon closer inspection I recognised the body to be that of Garth Peak but he had symbols etched into his flesh and his face was face gouged in.  Quite frankly a terrible business, it doesn't bare talking about."

"But not silent."

Local reaction to the murder has been varied but not silent and with the body being dumped only yards from Swindon's most frequented mini golf course we asked visitors their opinions of the killing.

Shrivenham Mini-Golf Course.

"Horrendous, vial and downright lacking in any real sense of sinister engagement," fumed Mary Wilson.

"Put me down for a birdy," eagered Martin Hendrick.

"It beats golf," beamed Dennis Winterflop.

"A very upsetting affair," stated Emily Cart, "You would think being a local of fifty-three years would get you an invite but that's people for you, always wrapped up in their own doings."

A warrant was issued to search Mr. Grant's property but nothing extraordinary was found except a collection of over three thousand toasted sandwich makers.  "We carried out a thorough search of Mr. Grant's barns and everything seemed in order," continued Inspector Prittle, "But then again I don't know much about barns.  Who would've thought they come equipped with ritualistic paraphernalia and stained altars.  It's amazing what you learn in this line of work."

"I was eager to expand."

In a statement released after a lunch of disappointing sandwiches and weak tea Mr. Grant's lawyer spoke on behalf of his client saying, "It is true that I knew the deceased.  He visited my home over a month ago to inspect my recently installed cabling. WHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  Upon learning him to be a virgin with only the purist incentives and offerings I was eager to expanded our meeting into a friendship but alas Mr. Peak's death beheaded that prospect rather swiftly. BWAHAHAHAHA!!!  PRAISE THE ALMIGHTY BUNG AND HIS BENEVOLENT CHAOS!!!"

He continued, "MWHAHAHAHA!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Grant remains in custody but Police have stated that he is co-operating and his deepest compliments go out to Mr. Peak's family and newborns.

Fifty Shades To Be Classified A Gateway Book

by Shaky Parkinson

After extreme pressure from the NHS, Oxford University and numerous Parent Teacher Associations the Government has today reclassified Fifty Shades Of Grey as a Gateway Novel.  The change comes on a day Birmingham man Gordon Fluck found his stranded mother-in-law spread eagled naked in an incorrectly assembled sex swing in her home in Solihull.

"I was just nipping over to drop off some shopping and make sure the carers had been round," he cringed, "Then the unpleasantness happened.  I'd have fainted had it not been for her Christian Grey t-shirt.  You see I married one hell of a minger, you know the story, one night stand, bun in the oven, game set and match, so you can imagine my disgust at finding my 92-year-old mother-in-law danglingly six ways from Sunday from the lounge ceiling.  The books were everywhere and quite obviously to blame."

"Their pants."

"We have to make a firm stance on this decision," cited David Cameron, "This Government has to be seen to be making a stand on this matter.  Too many lives are being ruined and we hope that with this labelling people will take their hands out of their pants and listen to the dangers facing them."

E. L. James.

Author of the multi-bajillion selling book E. L. James has defended her fortune saying that, "My novel is not poorly written and has given hope to many woman throughout the world.  Without my reader's daily fix of Grey they will not be able to escape the drudgery of their pitiful lives and this classification is going to make a serious dent in that appreciation."

Last week saw a 700% increase in STI's, workplace affairs and hardware sales up from 544% for the month ending August.  The trend in literature experimentation has also brought about a new type of book group where the use of rope and handcuffs have added to the surge in dedicated Fifty Shades Admittance Lines that are now springing up in most major hospitals.

"One guy had it."

"The impact this book is having on our countries infrastructure is massive," claimed Doctor Foster of Gloucestershire Royal Infirmary, "We've seen more chocking, insecurities and broken penis's than I care to relate, although I will say that it's been loads and one guy had it totally bent off.  If Britain wants to survive the next few months the smut has to stop.  A healthy wank inside or outside of a relationship is a good release for the building of hourly tension and I would advise people take precautions to avoid surrendering themselves to Fifty Shades at all costs."

A Fifty Shades addict.

He continued, "With Fifty Shades of Smut, manface James is targeting vulnerable individuals who have probably got some serious Stephanie Meyer experience under their waists to begin with and from their it's only a stepping stone to something harder.  I enjoy a bit of Dan Brown like the next person but I indulge in moderation.  So if you want to see your friends and family shitting themselves in some alley while jacked up on Christian Fundamentalism leaflets praising L. Ron Hubbard and James Patterson as gods then go ahead and buy them the complete Fifty Shades trilogy."

Experts at Oxford University have spent time analysing the text with shocking results.  "What we've found is disturbing," claimed researcher David Fake, "The make-up of this gateway book is a deeply addictive mixture of self pity, laziness and emotional gluttony bonded to a massive string of twattiness.  With Twilight fan fiction of this potency coming from such a bizarre middle aged woman the effects of over exposure could potentially result in loneliness, weight gain, ugliness, cats and excessive masturbation to teenage vampire films.  This creation is sick and we support the Government's decision to alert the public to its dangers."

"This woman's perverted."

"This is just another case of some deranged connected nut case inflicting her talentless agenda upon the world," claimed PTA member Glenda Dale, "Why should the general public be made to play psychiatrist to this woman's perverted insecurities?  In my opinion today's decision is not tough enough and frankly I think all copies of the book should be liquidated and replaced with the works of P.G. Wodehouse so that people can appreciate some good old fashioned right wing frolics and none of this terribly written mess."

Alexander Skarsgard xxx

Despite James' exposure of the British public as sexually repressed perverts, experimentation is on the rise and if rumours are to be believed, the casting of Alexander sex face Skarsgard in the title role of the upcoming film adaption could cause an even bigger surge in poor literacy publishing.

This coupled with the soon to be released Fifty Shades Of Gay, a novel about two homosexual writer's who recite a semi-autobiographical account of their office smuttery that develops into dangerous intensity alongside their quest of topping the UK book charts, could see Britain enter a new age of imagination.

Dyslexic Fury At Paralympic Confusion

by Jack 'The Mac' Mack

Gavin Snell

The Olympic ticketing scandal rumbled on this week after a disgruntled dyslexic fan Gavin Snell realised he had been sold Paralympic tickets in error.  

"It was very confusing," he said in a statement, "I went online to buy tickets for the 400 meter final, the website wasn’t user friendly but I saw the word ‘Lympics in the title so I assumed I was in the right section. Anyway I clicked on the link and away I went."

"I myself jog."

His excitement turned to anger however when he arrived at the Olympic park. He continued; "I’d covered myself in all the crap you’re supposed to wear; I had a GB flag as a kilt and a bowler hat. I suppose I should have twigged when everyone in the stadium was talking about how inspiring it was but I thought they were just referring to the athletic prowess on display. I myself jog at least once a fortnight to collect my Sunday paper as it’s inspired me to do more. The Sunday paper is heavier so it’s a better workout but I digress."

Things turned sour as events got underway. Snell described how his excitement turned to dismay; "I saw Oscar Pistorius come out which I was expecting but then all these other people came out on blades as well. Then someone said that they weren't his family, they were fellow athletes. I was sure that this was just a mistake so I watched for twenty minutes but after that realisation dawned. I’m furious and upset."

"They said I’d paid."

Naturally Snell’s first reaction was to demand a refund but his outrage increased further when this was confused.  "They said I’d paid for the event and turned up so I wasn’t entitled to a refund. I’m taking this to the European Court of Human Rights. My lawyer from Silly Sea Sun and partners says I’ve got a case." 

The Paralympics were unable for comment so this reporter decided to struggle on with the dilemma of how to label losing teams in the Paralympics as inspirational after such bitter sweet defeat.  "I've lost my faith in humanity," concluded Snell, "The illusion's been shattered and raped."

Bat-Signal Vandalised By Unknown Prankster

by Shaky Parkinson

Disturbing images released by Gotham City Police have shed light on the rumours circulating that the departments trusted Bat-Signal has been vandalised by vandals.  Leads are light on the ground but Commissioner Gordon is adamant the perpetrator will be caught.

"This is a bad day for a shit city," he stated during an interview with Gotham reporter Vicki Vale, "These lousy crooks have gone too far.  They've disgraced a symbol of solidarity and safety and the people won't stand for it."

So far there have been no arrests but CCTV footage shows a loudly dressed, pale and content individual running amok in the GCPD during the early hours of this morning.

"They can broadcast a cock."

"What we're dealing with here is some sort of prankster or joker," continued Gordon, "Clever, bitter, probably been in the game too long.  He revelled in being seen and his juvenille humour is obviously a playground pastiche.  It makes you fucking sick.  Doesn't it?  Doesn't it make you sick?  Anyone who thinks they can broadcast a cock and balls from my roof is looking for a short spell in a lax state prison."

Upset Bruce Wayne.

The seriousness of the crime has caused the Police to ask themselves some much needed questions and the Commissioner was quick to place himself and his entire staff under arrest until new guidelines can be put in place to prevent any such incidents from occurring in the future.  The movement gained unexpected support from the Gotham Criminal Underworld when respected crossword promoter Edward Nigma stepped forward to condemn the attack.

"I've been pedalling violence and chaos for years and such childish imagery brings criminals everywhere into disrepute," he commented, "We are willing to do a job most people wouldn't and when one of our kind goes ahead with such uncomplimentary scheming it makes us all look like a bunch of amateurs.  I'm too angry for puns."

"Others claim."

Batman was as usual unavailable for comment and his accompanying absence from the streets of Gotham is being seen by many as defeat.  Others claim that the damaged Bat-Signal is a possibility for his absence.  Luckily the arrival of Twatman on the scene has held the potential crime wave at bay.

Twatman a.k.a. Zoltan Kohari
official publicity shot.

"I've been working on the fringes of protection for years," claimed Twatman from his secret hideout on West 54th Street, "It's hard to earn respect when you've got the likes of Batman ploughing the skies with multi-billion dollar planes and the like.  I'm just happy to help but when I saw my name up in lights I'll admit it felt good to get the recognition I deserve."

Twatman was first seen fending off a drunk and violent Bruce Wayne outside Old Wayne Tower and although his appearance onto the crime-fighting scene is much welcomed, the citizens of Gotham City still have their heads turned skyward in search of their missing hero.

Poverty Stricken Proletariat Praise Gold Post Box Scheme

by Shaky Parkinson

Royal Mail's plans to give 44 of their boring old red post boxes a golden makeover in celebration of Britain's Olympic successes has been met with huge support from the general public.

"It's amazing," claimed Margery Spling of Leek, "It's about time our needs were being catered for and we have Anna to thank for it.  Her protests in the rowing really put her name and views on the map and we have already started to see a change.  Now all we need is for the banks to pick up the cause and we'll be fine."

Overwhelming support has put pressure on Royal Mail to extend the scheme nationwide so that even the remotest parts of the United Kingdom will be able to reap the compensation they deserve after paying for the event itself.

"It's not an ideal form of payment," noted Arthur Grout of Wilmslow, "But it's a start.  We just want to see the scheme go national so us here in Wilmslow who were too busy paying our taxes to train anyone up for the games can get the repayments we are owed.  Those Olympic street prancers didn't come cheap and the quicker our post box can get its golden upgrade the quicker we can settle our overdrafts."

Others were less enthusiastic about the plans with Danny Bulok of Oxford on hand to express his views, "We may not have won any medals, or paid much attention to the games and come to think of it I'm still unsure what the Double Sculls is but it's been a good week now and we've not seen a single Golden Post Box materialise anywhere in the city.  This is just another way in which Royal Mail are skimping on costs to line their pockets instead of giving the money back to the people who deserve it."

The Postal Community was quick to respond to the allegations with postman Billy Feck claiming, "I'm from Northern Ireland and we didn't win shite, deal with it.  These golden boxes won't change anything and the misconceptions surrounding the scheme are causing us many problems.  I for one am not happy at the looks I've been getting on my round from the numerous crowbar wielding thugs that litter the streets.  We at Royal Mail understand times are tough but gold-spray paint is hardly a budget breaker."

The scheme suffered a major set back when Lymington Publican Ben Ainslie in attempting to instill peace into the community by spraying the town's local post box gold incited a riot and was arrested after seven people suffered fatal encounters.  "I was just trying to help," sighed Ainslie, "This whole thing has gotten out of hand.  Since when did celebration become a crime."

An announcement from Royal Mail that the post boxes would only be in place for a one month temporary period sparked further aggression and rioting across the UK and with Paralympics starting next week it is thought the unrest will continue well into September and possibly the month after that.

NASA Declares War On Martians

by Shaky Parkinson

Crispin as seen through the
eyes of his killer.

After successfully launching from Earth and landing on Mars, NASA's Curiosity is now ready to bring out the big guns and get cracking on America's conquest of the Universe.  Being the first armed space rover to leave our planet Curiosity is being haled as the next step in ridding the universe of anything scary so that future generations may live and work in the solar system without fear.

"Bastards had begun mobilising their forces."

The mission was prioritised after a menacing rock was found on the surface of Mars that proved too unsettling for Mission Control to simply pass over.  "We are the leaders in space exploration," claimed Mission Controller Shuda Resurched, "And the world looks to us to defend them against Space Godzillas, Fruit Martians and all the unknown life forms we haven't yet named.  So when we saw that the Rock Bastards had begun mobilising their forces we set our own defence procedures into action."

The 7cm rock, dubbed Crispin by activists, is being labelled as an outpost sentry guarding the Bastards central base at the Glenelg Junction.  "We got lucky," continued Resurched, "N165 is just your common basalt range fighter and shouldn't give us much trouble, if we'd have landed closer to Glenelg then the people of Amsterdam would be suffering a stoning like they've never known.  Our plan now is to gather our forces and head East right into the heart of the Bastards stronghold."

"Laser our world."

Location of enemy mound.

Without the creation of the ChemCam Death Laser our world would surely be in peril.  "My baby is a Martian's worst nightmare," claimed ChemCam inventor Chance Cholera, "For just five one-billionths of a second my beam fires over a million watts of pure destruction into heart of the enemy fighters while the resultant sparks give us a clear indication as to their defences and geological make-up.  Their death will turn what we think might be rivers into scree."

With uncertainty on the horizon Rock Activists were quick to get out the tents and strum Westminster.  "There is no evidence to say that Crispin is a threat or danger to our kind!  The guise of science and politics and money and oil and stuff are going to bring us into a conflict we don't want and cannot prove!  If Crispin is killed innocent alien life and habitats will be extinguished!  These bastards wouldn't put a hammer through their patios so why start a war?  He's just an innocent 48% silicon dioxide with percent amounts of magnesium, calcium, sodium, iron and potassium oxides for God's sake, what has he done to deserve this??? Why won't these bastards think of the children and not least the wave of weak comedy stand-ups that will arise in the wake of this sick vendetta???  WHY?!?!?"

Breakdown of Curiosity's
weaponry.

"Will is completely justified."

Resurched was quick to respond to any misgivings claiming, "This war that hasn't happened yet but probably will is completely justified.  We have paper and pens and all manner of stationary that points to yes.  These Rock Bastards don't have feelings and it's up to the American Space programme to get the funding it needs to wipe these Bastards off the face of the Mars."

Recent reports indicate that despite an impromptu rock concert hosted by Brain May and Paul McCartney the fate of Crispin is sealed with Curiosity to kill the cat at 1900hrs Greenwich space-time.

Missing Persons: Garth Peak

by Shaky Parkinson

Garth Peak (Artist Impression)

Garth Peak, a 26-year-old Virgin Media Salesman from Swindon has been found missing after he failed to return home to his puppy on Thursday evening. Mr. Peak was last seen selling low rate, high quality broadband at only £15 a month with the first three months half price in St. Andrews Green cul-de-sac at 6.37pm.  His subsequent movements are unknown but it is thought Mr. Peak proceeded into the Shrivenham area where his automobile was found abandoned and raped in a siding off the B4000.

Peak's abandoned motorized sales vehicle.

Peak's family are asking the public for any information in locating a person his Mother describes as, "Adorable and loving as ever a person could wish to meet.  He had a roaring social life with a huge network of friends that were always up and about enjoying themselves at all the hottest clubs and discos.  He was loyal to his family and wouldn't stand for any rudeness or ineptitude and helped to keep those around him on the straight and narrow with ruthless love and care.  He loved his films and got a lot of work as Rutger Hauer's body double over at Shepperton.  I think that might have helped him with his job as the most successful salesman in the region.  He'd always come home with gifts for us after winning another bonus and for this and more we just want him back.  He is a pro-active, fierce advocate of life and you don't often find that in a person.  We're dead without him."

Police are urging the public to contact them on their dedicated missing persons line at 0800-123-456-789-10-11-12 hmmmmmmm-13-14-15.  News Guff will also be offering the prize of a day's supply of ham sandwiches to any information that leads to an arrest.

Miracle Cow Pig Hybrid Cures World Pessimism

by Shaky Parkinson

Pow (Artist Impression)

Scientists at Oxford University have claimed that they have cured world hunger in the most miraculous and tasty way possible.  The sudden discovery of a new cow pig hybrid in the Dean's private garden is being hailed by all as the second coming.

"This event cannot be measured in any feasible terms and even the phrase 'Epic' is a woeful understatement," beamed University Professor Dungus Fluff, "After we'd carried out the preliminary scientific necessities such as measuring it and giving it a name we were quick to get 'Pow' onto the barbecue for the taste test.  Luckily we were holding the monthly staff party and it is just wandered out of the shrubbery, if this isn't proof to back up the existence of God then we might as well quit now."

"We'll be able to cure."

"If you think you've tasted heaven then be prepared to question your beliefs because this shit is the bomb," slobbered Humanitarian Professor Charlie Eats, "It tastes like steak, pork, gammon and ribs all in one incredible mouthful with a bacony aftertaste that carries you through until the next bite.  They even have inbuilt suicidal tendencies and an innate ugliness that lends them easy butchering.  And it doesn't stop there; these fuckers just keep jumping out of the bushes so we're pretty confident that we'll be able to cure world hunger in a matter of weeks.  What a fucking win!"

Priests of all religions were quick to praise the miracle with the Pope declaring, "God has risen again and this time his followers will be so full of belief the world will soon be plunged into a tasty universal enlightenment."

Miracle garden.

"God works in mysterious ways," munched Archbishop Anders Plaff, "And if he sees fit to return to earth in the form of a cow pig chicken amalgamation thing who are we to question his designs?"

"Out of one fucking."

As is the human races usual want conflict was quick to muster with thousands of television chefs coming together to protest the miracle.  "This will fucking ruin us," fumed Gordon Ramsey, "How many recipes do you think we can milk out of one fucking animal especially when it tastes so fucking excellent?  This could be the end to contemporary food as we know it.  Think about Heston what the hell is that fucker going to do now people's diets will be so satisfyingly limited, there's only so much you can do with herpes cream."

Oxford University were quick to ease the situation by saying that a recipe book arrived stuck to one of the cows that featured over seventeen million different recipes for the new creature that swiftly killed the protest until the Vegetarians got wind of the story and began marching feebly on London."

The Government was quick to dispel the protests with impromptu feeding stations that were able to turn the most dedicated Vegetarians against their beliefs in acceptance of the one true Pow.  A breakaway sect of Vegetarianism merged with some renegade Vegans in a desperate bid to combat the change but with farmer's now on a well-deserved permanent vacation it is thought that the rebellion will soon die out.  "With all the chicken's being freed and the Vegan's limited berry knowledge and unsuitability to apple theft we are pretty confident they'll come to accept the new world in time," claimed Old McDonald.

"Hitting the village for a rape."

Warlord E. Vilevil celebrating
the coming of the Pow.

"Now that we have all the food we want I'm just a bit too full to indulge my blood lust," claimed African Warlord E. Vilevil, "The lads are happy so we're going to shelve the guns and catch up on Desperate Housewives instead of hitting the village for a rape."

Questions as to the creatures origin were being asked by the strongest atheists the Internet had to offer so News Guff gave the benefit of the doubt to Particle Physicist Edmund Spat of Cambridge University, "What we have here is an inter-dimensional tear in the space time continuum that is seeing an alien race being transported through time and space into the Dean's garden at Oxford University.  For all we know we're munching our way through the population of Venus without a care for the consequences.  With this theory I think we can adequately dispel the ludicrous notion of miracles.  Next they'll be saying that those dogs over at Oxford are the saviours of the world."

"Spat was unable."

With the complete global dynamic in change for the better, Oxford University is being hailed as the Saviour of the World and its entire faculty is being honoured with knighthoods for services to peace and prosperity.  When asked for a second quote Spat was unable for comment, although the Cambridgeshire Police claim to have seen a man of similar description lying under a thunder struck piano in Cambridge City Centre with the word 'Coincidence' written on his T-Shirt.

When asked for a quote to sum up today's events God had this to say, "If this doesn't get the idea across then I'm heading off to Fiji for an early retirement."

Either way this period of global unity is set to continue into the next millennium or to the point when Pow's are eaten into extinction but seeing as that is an uncertainty the world is enjoying its longest period of peace in like forever.

Local Radio Finally Deemed Useless

by Shaky Parkinson

The BBC have announced they plan to cut all funding to local radio after an internal report has dubbed it "Useless".  It is thought that abolishing local radio could be the saviour to the BBC's lavish spending.

"We're in a state," claimed Director General George Entwistle, "What with Doctor Who, excessive waste and my new bathroom to pay for we just cannot rely on the License Fee anymore.  We need more cash and it seems axing local radio is a sure fire way to unsure we can fund another series of Strictly Come Dancing."

The report delved deeply into the BBC's biggest expenditures and when crossed referenced with a second report into the corporation's most boring and expendable assets, local radio came out as the largest target.

"Everyone will agree."

"We've always known it's utterly pants," continued Entwistle, "Deep down I think everyone will agree.  Crop formations in Norwich, swimming pool closures in Lincoln, is this really what people want?  Is it bollocks, it is what cynical dullards want, normal morons want another series of The Voice and we're going to give it to them."

Backlash was swift and unobtrusive with numerous walkouts going unnoticed across the North East.  "We are a highly valued and loved broadcast," claimed Damphrey Spludge of weekly Doncaster gardening program Tickhill Tilling, "We have a ten strong fan base and the BBC should not be so quick to dismiss them."

"Think of the children?" cited Lemington mother Carly Clump, "How am I supposed to know if my daughter's school is closed during the winter? I doubt the coverage will be as comprehensive if the job goes national."

"Thumbs down Benny's Bottom."

Ben Bennington was quick to voice his outrage with a morning moan on his Swindon based radio show Benny's Breakfast Burp.  "The people need us, the people love us and you can be sure as ship that I'm not going back to hospital radio after this.  I'm making a real difference.  We cannot compete with mass genocide and global recession but the Wiltshire Downs can yield their fair share of air rescue stories.  These cuts get a thumbs down Benny's Bottom of ten."

Many organisations have protested the cuts such as Mickey Rourke (No not that Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler one) of former secret society D.E.A.T.H. (Dude's Expecting A Tenth Hell), "Entwistle has no idea about the potential disaster he is unleashing onto our streets.  With local radio gone these Deejays will be let loose on hospitals, street corners and low-rent social clubs and who knows what chaos they will unleash.  THE WAR IS COMING!!!"

Commercial radio stations such as Oxfordshire's Jack FM were quick to be praised for their superior content.  "Thank fuck someone has finally levelled some budget cuts their way," they commented, "It makes you sick to see over funded and over produced shows put together sub-standard output. It might make competition easier with them gone but it doesn't fill anyone with enthusiasm for the medium.  Here at Jack we give people apposite output that they will enjoy.  The general public don't want stories about sheep farming they want Phil Collins and Duran Duran."

"Local radio is a thing of the past," concluded Entwistle, "In this climate of streamlining and recession there is no place for rubbish except on our flagship channels."

London 2012 Logo Finally Deciphered

Local mini cab driver Abdul Shabesh will go down in history today as being the first man to decipher the London 2012 Olympic Logo.  When an unmarked envelope arrived at Wolff Olins brand consultancy in May 2007 the enclosed illustration was seen as a solution to deadline problems and creative blockage and has since caused global speculation as to its true origin.

While catching up on some 'me' time it seems Mr. Shabesh accidentally stumbled upon the answer to the enigma that has had the entire globe confused and angry.  "I was sat in the taxi rank outside Paddington waiting for the Saturday night dregs to puke themselves onto the street when I looked down at the sports section and saw it staring back at me," he claimed at a press conference earlier this afternoon, "Once I'd seen it the pieces clicked together to read '2012'.  I was shocked but if you look really really really really hard you'll just about be able to see it."

"Someone cracked."

Shabesh's discovery has instantly sent ripples through the academic world landing many intuitions in hot water, notably Keble College's Dr. Anthony Plank who has come under strong criticism after his fifty million pound study into the logo was made instantly redundant by Shabesh and his broken mini cab tail light.  "He got lucky," blagged Plank, "The foundations were well in place and it was only a matter of time before someone cracked the Olympic Code."

Conspiracy Theorists were unhappy.  John Crunge of information network S.P.O.C.K (Silent Persons Of Credible ilK) was quick to denounce Shabesh and his findings, "This is clearly a cover up by the IOC.  Are we seriously to believe that a West London mini cab driver is cleverer than the boffins at every university on the planet?  This whole 2012 excuse is flawed at best.  The logo resembles something far more abstract and confusing than a few numbers, and once the truth is revealed the world will quake beneath its own feet."

Shabesh's epiphany stop.

Shabesh's discovery hit the world in more ways than one when a public information leaflet explaining his discovery quickly became the nations best seller and histories most sort after pamphlet.  The literary world was also eager to tap Shabesh's celebrity status as Dan Brown emerged with a statement claiming that Shabesh will be helping him co-write the next Robert Langdon outing entitled 'Oi Limp 'Ere'.  "The book will be set in the historical East End of London," claimed Brown, "The plot will follow Langdon as he navigates the shallow depths of the Docklands Light Railway in search of a mystical cult called the Olympian's after one of its members kills a good friend of his only minutes before he is due to give a seminar in nearby King's College.  It's gonna be lucrative."

"Filthy image."

Despite wide spread shock and adulation there has been much discontent levelled at Shabesh and his logo.  "I've had to see this filthy image everyday for years and it's still a pile of shite," cited commoner Joe Bloggs, "Now that the truth is out I'm even angrier.  This Shabesh chappy should have kept his mouth shut.  We're already running 100% over budget at $28billion so I didn't really need to know that this £400,000 logo wasn't a secret code to hidden treasure gifted to us by aliens but a snatch and grab by a greasy consultancy firm.  At least you could ignore the magic, but this is hideous."

Whatever the response, ticket sales and anticipation for this months games are as misguided as ever with extended gasps of excitement being heard throughout the city in the run up to the opening ceremony on 27th July.