9/11 Did Happen Claim Theorists

by Shaky Parkinson

Once again controversy and hearsay have arisen to question the events that shook the world when terrorists flew two big planes into New York's Twin Towers 134 months ago.  Conspiracy theorists have put finger to keyboard as a fresh batch of evidence has been released that they say will finally prove that 9/11 did actually happen.

Blogging sites have seen increased traffic as groups of pro 9/11 conspiracy theorists (but not in that way) claim that newly released eye witness reports and satellite imaging clearly show that the US Government wasn't stupid enough to destroy one if its crowning feats of engineering for the sake of a sense of fear they could've got by dressing up some cost effective extras in black suits and ear pieces and let them parade around your local neighbourhood.

"Cover up to hide."

"It's like we've been saying all along," stuttered Max Clink author of conspiracy blog Far Out, "There was definitely some kind of cover up to hide the truth that 9/11 actually occurred.  We've been campaigning for years and it finally looks like people are starting to notice."

Faked photos show a giant arrow
 to have caused the attack.

"What we're dealing with here is a massive event that cannot be properly understood," he continued, "The attack on the Twin Towers breaches a mental barrier of security that has until now retained a stern sense of stability.  It's going to take a decade of materialistic living to counteract these images.  We are only just coming to grips with what is happening and the initial reports aren't good."


"I remember where I was the day the towers fell," stated Old Man Drudge, "It was a Sunday or some such day and I had just gotten the mower out of the car hold when I saw a gaggle of geese flying by overhead.  Now I thought to myself that you don't see too many a gaggle anymore, seems to me like the geese are becoming a more hermitised bird.  It must've been '86 since I saw a pair of them together, maybe even '85 and being one of my favourite winged animals it struck me as a sad affair that only zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ."

(Eye witness report taken 12th September 2001)

Reports such as these are said to have caused the initial disbelief that lead to a vague sense of happening rather than clear evidence for a genuine terrorist attack.  Yet special analysts, forgers and experts have trawled through the masses of photographs, videos, interviews, videos and rubble to finally achieve what they are calling conclusive evidence.

"As far as I can make out this did happen," claimed one such expert Philip Patz, "There's doubt, like there is with everything, but I'd say this is an open and shut book and I'd go on record as saying that you'd be a fool to say 9/11 didn't happen and an even bigger one to joke about it."

Popular villain Smoke Face was
seen amongst the fires leading many
to believe a Hollywood film
was in production.

"Life is horrific."

Messages of acceptance, condolences and nonsense have been widespread with Katie Hulch of Kentucky having this to say, "The loss of life, it's horrific.  I didn't think it was even possible.  If it wasn't for these eye witness accounts and footage I may have gone another decade without believing 9/11 ever happened."

"It's a disgrace," claimed Sally Field (Yes that Sally Field), "Someone had to say to it."

"Our hearts go out to the people effected by this attack, even the Jews," claimed anti-Semitic preacher Caleb Funk.

One uncovered eye witness report from Manhattan resident Peter Gunk read, "I was there, I saw them towers fall and no matter how stoned I was that shit was real, you wanna know how?  'Cos I was inside them when it happened."

"People claim that."

Evidence was as far reaching as China, Madagascar and Ireland where Mrs. O'Toole of Cork proclaimed, "It's a dirty fecking business.  It wasn't until we saw it on the news that we realised it had actually happened.  These people claim that their Government were to blame and although they may be blameless and to blame it's clear that 9/11 did happen unlike the Holocaust which is clearly just a flight of fancy."

FAKE!!! Experts debunk widely
famous photo of a ciricle plan of death.

"We never claimed that 9/11 didn't happen," furthered Clink, "But we may have said some things that were untrue, hearsay or otherwise bollocks.  What we can all agree on is that this terrible event did take place and that from the start we knew this and can only hope to move on with our lives now that the tragedy can be labelled as nostalgic and pray that a commemorative lunch box is in the pipeline."

Extra! Extra! Old News Clichés Make Distracting Comeback

by Shaky Parkinson

SHOCK! TERROR!  As the streets of Manhattan reek with the villainous stench of wayward news conventions the Media has resorted to retro trends in a snappy bid to save face and restore the faith of the common reader.  With doom looming for such negative entities as excessive advertising, biased subject matter and the far too regular quirky pleading of its broadcaster, in steps nostalgia to once again make its mark on the local rag.

Down at City Hall the Major is seen mulling over musings with his advisors while wondering if his next leap will be the leap home, "We've fallen on hard times see.  We need to buck trend and follow fashion to get things rolling.  The news is getting out of hand, we want the facts without the guff (No indictment of this sterling publisher).  No two-bit rogue reporting is getting past me and the great people of this city.  Anymore."

"Words hit deep."

The Major's words hit deep with riots sparking up in newsrooms across the globe.  James Murdoch came out in favour of not, "Getting in trouble," while cutie Kate Silverton claimed that the profession is, "Not to blame," only the facts.

The letter of the law ran deep in a sea of criticism with Government's and Money Maker's defending themselves alike, "We follow the coin see, it's about the wealth, we can't have another crash on our hands and if the chicken is out of the pie it'll be chaos I tells you, chaos."

Picture.

With impending doom riding high in the polls a contemporary 1920's stereotype has been ushered in to still the fears of the questioning masses.  "We're unhappy and if we need to ruckus we will," they bellowed, "It's not right see, this goes all the way to the top.  We want the truth not the lies, it's all coming along and with this we hope to change it all.  Change the people, change the places and change the change to see justice done."

"We can't fly."

The anger being mailed across town got tense and in a bid to save face the Media went underground but the regime couldn't race the bad intentions floating down Main Street and the ensuing riots ended in chaos see.  "It's about the fact," they continued, "We don't want to see some Chinky's post disaster dying breath, it's a sickness that we can't fly and something needs to be done about it chump."

"That Silverton maybe a dish but it's the doll's we're worried about.  They're everywhere, it isn't straight see.  The fact of the truth of the matter is that the fact isn't up and out, it's down and low and that don't sit well with us or the unions, am I right boys?"

"Yeah!"

With chaos turning to gibberish the pressure is mounting for media gimmicks to become widespread in the hope it will alleviate the reader's stress to bring about a clean sense of wholesome acceptance for the wrong rights.  "It's a ditch attempt effort but as the seventh hits out it's a fine sexy play that won't disappoint," says the Governor, but who'll come out on top when the ball picks up the train and hits Broadway?